NEW YORK — Veteran courtroom sketch artist, and self-proclaimed “MAGA diehard,” Terry Bonilla was reprimanded by county officials for continually drawing former President Donald Trump as Superman during his fraud trial, sources confirmed.
“I’m just drawing Trump exactly as I see him in court, with his biceps rippling after a long day of draining the swamp, his traps bulging through his suit jacket from carrying our Democracy on his broad shoulders, and don’t even get me started on the overwhelming bulge in his pants. God willing I’ll be able to sketch that treasure someday,” said Bonilla. “I was told to draw him ‘normal’ or else I’d be fired. But I really can’t draw him any other way, it wouldn’t be my truth. I was also told I needed to stop drawing Letitia James as the devil. It seems like Trump isn’t the only one under a gag order in this room.”
Court Stenographer Carolynn Aimes says it’s distracting working next to Bonilla.
“My job is to listen and type out what is being said by the prosecution and defense, but all day I can hear Terry scribbling on his notepad saying ‘Go get ‘em Donny’ under his breath. And any time Mr. Trump stands up Terry stands at attention and salutes,” said Aimes. “And any time the former president shifts in his chair or coughs or anything Terry starts pumping his fist like he’s cheering on the Knicks. I tried moving my chair the other day, but he set up behind me and kept talking about how our new angle really shows off Trump’s strong core.”
Lyle Hill, the owner and proprietor of a store dedicated to Trump memorabilia, hopes to get his hands on some of the courtroom sketches.
“I wish I could be in that courtroom supporting my president. Unfortunately, I have a few warrants and if I show up to the court I might not walk out. Either way, it brings a tear to my eyes to see Trump portrayed so accurately in media,” said Hill. “I’ve noticed that normal photographs of Trump don’t sell well. It turns out modern cameras can’t quite capture his muscle definition and stature. It takes a true visionary to draw Trump as the mountain of muscles we all see him as. I’ve been sending all the profits from my store to the Trump defense fund, I hope he comes by to visit when this all blows over.”
At press time, Bonilla was debating on how gigantic he should draw Ivanka Trump’s boobs while on the stand.
Uncle Jack’s swastika tattoo on his neck will only freak out the kids, but it’d make a good impression with the local police force he’d be working with. They’ll mainly want to know if it hurt when he got it, but in a way that asks, “Where can I get one?”
No fully formed adult who cuts the crusts off their sandwiches can convince me that they are capable of functioning in a normal society that has programs meant to deter children from using heroin in fourth grade.
Elliot is a huge dork. Plus he’s rich. No one is going to listen to guys like that, especially not children or other adults. We see right through their bullshit.
Kenny is part of Jack’s white supremacist gang who once talked about the urge to “smack the shit” out of a kid when he sees them wearing a bicycle helmet. Childhood safety is just not front and center for this guy.
Both of her sons use drugs, so she’s not terribly effective at deterring young people from smoking pot and meth. If anything, she inadvertently encourages it just by her presence.
This man is dull as hell. He’s one of those characters on a show who no one bothers to make a “best of” compilation on YouTube. That’s how little impact he had on us. That sort of forgettable quality will carry over into his D.A.R.E. spokesperson duties.
Talking to children about the dangers of drugs is just like being a proprietor of a modestly successful car wash. At least that’s what Bogdan believes. Unfortunately, these kids are going to be bored the entire time, which will only make the drugs sound more appealing.
This guy can’t even handle the news that his daughter died. How is he supposed to deal with the stress of giving a speech to elementary school kids?
The Phoenix meth distributor looks like he listens to Joe Rogan’s podcast, so he’ll mainly talk to the children about DMT. Unfortunately, the kids already heard these stories from the police officers who spoke before him because they also like Joe Rogan. These students really can’t catch a break.
Badger’s cousin operates a towing and vehicle repair service. On the surface that has nothing to do with D.A.R.E. leadership. But if you dig deeper, it still has no similarities. Clovis is out of his element here.
If anyone is going to get through to these kids, it’s not going to be Gretchen. What a narc.
Dr. Delcavoli is Walt’s physician and one of the top 10 oncologists in the US. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have many discernible personality traits. If you’re going to be a part of this program you’re going to need a thing the students can make fun of.
All of the kids, parents, and administrative personnel would unjustifiably detest Skyler for some reason, and they’d unrelentingly talk shit about her online. But she’s just doing her best to keep the program together despite others’ attempts to thwart it from the inside.
Emilio was Jesse’s original partner as a methamphetamine purveyor before Pinkman went with someone a little more his dad’s age. Not sure how Emilio would handle kids, but he didn’t seem to take Jesse’s departure well. You need emotional intelligence to peddle meth and talk to kids about drugs.
Walter Junior goes by Flynn now. It is unclear why someone would go with a worse name as their alias. He can’t be trusted.
Being a member of the cartel means you know a thing or two about drugs. Mainly the enterprise side of it. The kids will inadvertently learn about illegal businesses and he will inspire a handful of budding drug lord entrepreneurs in the process. This is not what the D.A.R.E. program is all about. No one knows for sure what it’s exactly about.
Every garment of clothing Marie wears will be a shade of purple. Even her shoes. This will be distracting. Most of the questions at the end of her presentation will be about her one-note fashion choices. Rightfully so.
Combo thinks this is a pro-drug seminar, so he’ll speak directly to the children about the benefits of meth. While this is effective, it’s not part of the assignment.
Carmen is the principal of a school. Kids are more likely to listen to the janitor of the school than the leader of it. Unless of course you’re a nerd student. In which case, you’re probably never doing drugs anyway.
This guy basically does this kind of thing for fun. However, he’s mainly dealt with adults who are trying to kick drugs to this point. He’ll have a tough road ahead of him if he wants to convince kids to stop using drugs they’re not even taking yet.
Debut albums are tough to be objective about, but if both PP and Kara’s Flowers hopped into a Time Machine and saw where they ended up 2002 and beyond, no one would be missing, amirite? Adam Levine needs to get a tattoo of this album’s cover art on his lower back stat! Anyway, “Phantom Planet Is Missing,” the band’s lone ’90s LP, is a fun listen front to back, and quite impressive because everyone in the band were just kids, but it sadly doesn’t hold up to the rest of their catalog, which isn’t a bad thing, as the band truly progressed and improved! Don’t get down on us for spilling the tea about this disjointed listen that is slightly all over the place, and don’t get down on 1998’s Phantom Planet because they were young and impressionable; to butcher Less Than Jake, “that’s the impression that we get”.
Like we said, debut albums may be tough to be objective about, but comeback albums are even crazier to spout rhetoric about, especially when it is regarding a band’s first LP in twelve years, making said record delay just one year shy of a Bar Mitzvah boy’s lifespan and almost as shy as he is on the dance floor with pungent cocktail shrimp breath. Still, the opening track “BALISONG” is quite a song, and enough of a reason for said LP to be ranked higher than the band’s debut studio album; through the trees, you may soak us in either Gold or Axe rank spank bank Hoobastank body spray for publicly saying such in such an incredible outlet, but like demigod Rivers Cuomo once sang in a posthumous ballad, “You know you’re wrong.” In closing, this album’s cover art is badass, and we don’t know what “ROTK” means.
Fueled by Ramen Records had quite a stronghold on the globe in 2008 with acts like Fall Out Boy, Panic (without an exclamation point) at the Disco, Paramore, and pop punk mainstays Bell Biv DeVoe leading the charge on or around TRL, so it seemed that Phantom Planet was destined for stadiums by signing with said label, but it just wasn’t in the cards for the band, and “Raise the Dead” became their lone FBR release before a hiatus the very year it was released. Pity. As they often do, eventually this record became a cult hit amongst dorks and ultra-dorks alike yearning to do the panic in or outside their great aunt Marla’s basement; yes, all of these dweebs shared the same great aunt and/or a great aunt named Marla. If you want to help this record’s legacy, literally raise the dead and spin it now.
Phantom Planet’s third and self-titled LP without question lost many jabberjaw fans with their new dirty garage influence, but we will die on this hill: This record is one of the more slept-upon records of the aughts. Producer Dave Fridmann, who previously sat behind the boards for four hipster bible albums: Mogwai’s gold-certified “Rock Action,” Sparklehorse’s slowcore classic “It’s a Wonderful Life,” The cool (The) Flaming Lips classic “Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots,” and most/least importantly, the soundtrack to “The Passion of the Christ”; Jesus. If you still don’t get why we place this album in such high regard, spin tracks 1-4 right now, and realize that your crappy band could never even. Zombies may have eaten your neighbors and attention span, but PP’s self-titled effort should provide full bellies and Adderall for those focusing on shiny lights.
Before we discuss whether you dumbos believe that “The Guest” is a sophomore slump or comeback of the year, of which you should know the correct answer to, we must say two things: 1) The bassline for “Lonely Day” rivals many James Jamerson basslines, and that is a not hyperbole. 2) The current Phantom Planet lineup which includes Alex “I Was In Donnie Darko” Greenwald on vocals/rhythm guitar/various other stringed and non-stringed instruments, Sam “I Am In Maroon 5” Farrar on the aforementioned bass, Darren “I Am Not Mrs.” Robinson on lead guitar/oohs, and Jeff “Big City Rock In A Bigger City That Has A Lot Of Freeways But Nothing Free” Conrad. Also, “The Guest” is a “play it again” album as a whole sans any “skip it” tracks, and “Tchad” is a weird way to spell a name regardless if it’s for a Blake or not.