Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Sexual Tension Completely One-Sided

Posted on July 3, 2022 by Yancy Lee Crawford

SOUTH BEND, Ind. – Rumors of sexual tension between Martin’s Super Market employees Jordan Williams and Jackie Martinez were determined to be completely one-sided, nosy co-workers confirm.

“Jordan has been so weird since I caught him vaping in the break room a few weeks ago and didn’t report it to the store manager. He’s a nice guy, but I was just protecting the proletariat, I wasn’t trying to be ‘fun and flirty.’ These supermarket fat cats have him one strike away from unemployment, and we need every vote we can get for union ratification,” the deli employee remarked while adding a comma to the price of cheese. “Now it sort of feels like he’s doing some low-level stalking in order to keep bumping into me around the store and it’s getting annoying. I’m already in a devoted throuple, so I don’t have the time, energy, or libido to deal with another person. I hope he didn’t get the wrong idea.”

When questioned about the perceived tension, Williams believes it was only a matter of time before a first date was on the books..

“Jackie and I are definitely gonna hook up. She wants me so bad–she comes to the produce department just to say flirty stuff like, ‘Hey! Get off TikTok and help this old woman find bok choy!’ Jackie tries to act professional, but one day, we’ll sneak into the cooler and have the craziest sex this regional Midwestern supermarket refrigeration unit has ever seen,” an enthusiastic Williams explained while liking every one of Martinez’s Instagram photos from 2015. “Why else would Jackie DM me articles about workers’ rights and invite me to rallies via all-staff emails? She wants it bad.”

Relationship expert Dr. Dennis Nowaski believes the pandemic created an intense need for connection which has led to record numbers of men confusing generosity for burning sexual desire.

“Since social media, online dating, and Covid have broken society, there are throngs of men mistaking basic human decency for sexual advances,” Dr. Nowaski declared during a speech about the intimacy crisis. “A woman that helps you find your brand of antifungal foot cream at the new CVS is not subtly suggesting a broom closet bang. People do good deeds out of the goodness of their heart, not the lusty fire burning in their loins. Horny is not an emotion.”

At press time, William’s mistook a compliment from a male coworker about his new haircut for a sexual proposition and immediately reported it to HR.

We Got Kicked in the Face by a Horse and Now We Can’t Stop Winning Country Music Awards

Posted on July 3, 2022 by James Knapp

A couple of weeks back we rewatched “City Slickers” and thought it would be cool to visit an actual dude ranch. One thing led to another and long story short, Clydesdale decided to remove most of our teeth with its horse foot (we think it’s called a shoe). To make matters worse, since this face kick happened we’ve been completely inundated with country music awards that we “won” despite having no connection to country music culture outside of this incident.

To be clear, we have not recorded any country music, we did not make a music video starring a tractor, and we can’t even remember the last time we listened to a country song, both because it has been a staggeringly long time as well as the massive concussion that resulted from that horse’s roundhouse. So how exactly is it that we continue “winning” CMAs against our will without the slightest scrap of output?

Two words: “Horse magic.”

Now we know that might sound crazy, but after we were given the award for ‘Vocal Duo of the Year whilst alone and still unable to open our jaws, it started to make sense. There was some sort of mystic, fiddle power, controlled by the ghost of Hank Williams, that country-fried its way into that horse’s shoe and then transferred its way into us when the beast decided to see how good our dental plan was (turns out, bad).

It’s the only explanation that makes any sense! How else would you explain the ‘Lifetime Achievement Award: Hootenanny Category’ trophy we were delivered earlier today by a man wearing three straw hats at the same time. Colossal brain damage? Nope! It’s a horse curse.

So where do we go from here? Hard to say exactly. We’re pretty sure the only way to remove the magic from our body is to beat the horse that put it on us in a fair race, but there’s no way we can run that fast. For now, it appears we’re stuck with being continuously granted country music awards against our interest or health.

Does anyone wanna buy any of these awards so we can finally pay a doctor to reconstruct our gums?

Punk Audiophile Spends $2,000 on Turntable to Listen to Album Recorded on Beer Soaked 4-Track in Basement

Posted on July 2, 2022 by Dave McNamara

SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Graphic Designer Terry Spinoza recently spent nearly two thousand dollars on an Audio Perfektion turntable in order to listen to his collection of poorly produced and recorded LPs, confirmed sources close to the situation.

“Last month I spent about five hundred bucks on the first pressing of S.V.A.’s (Situationally Violent Adolescents) debut ‘We the Kids Are Together in This Until the End.’ It got me thinking that if I’m spending all this cash on vinyl, shouldn’t I buy a decent record player to listen to them on?” said Spinoza, sitting in the “vinyl room” of his apartment just outside of Davis Square. “I did my research and I settled on the AP10. As soon as I plugged it in I could hear the difference right away. The muddy guitar tones, the washed-out bass lines, the overblown drums. It was so much warmer and abrasive at the same time. It was like I was in the Allston basement where they recorded it.”

Day laborer and former singer of the S.V.A., Ian ‘Jabs’ Jabrowski, spoke about recording the band’s debut back in the summer of 1983.

“I don’t even think we had 4-tracks. More like three,” said Jabrowski as he took a break from hauling sheets of plywood. “We only had two microphones so we put one in the kick drum and propped another up on a pile of empty beer cans in the middle of the room. For vocals, I just screamed right into the little mic hole on the Tascam itself. I remember not being able to hear anything, just a wash of cymbals bouncing off the cinderblock walls. But when we
listened back, you could actually kinda make out the songs.”

Jonas Müller, Head Acoustic Engineer at Audio Perfektion, has concerns about the rise in turntables sales over the last few years.

“For years, only lovers of the symphony would buy our turntables,” said Müller while calibrating the tonearm on a new prototype. “Then vinyl became popular and now there’s backorder until next St. Stephen’s Day. We engineer our equipment to the highest specifications. Each cartridge must reproduce three times the bandwidth of human hearing before it can leave our facility. They are really meant for Deutsche Grammophon quality vinyl, not some Lana Del Ray album bought at Target. The lowest quality music that should be listened to on any Audio Perfektion equipment would be Steely Dan, but I don’t recommend even that.”

At press time, Spinoza was investing several more thousand dollars into a surround sound speaker system in order to watch his collection of ‘90s skate videos on VHS.

Single Man With Sword Collection Cannot Figure Out This Online Dating Thing

Posted on July 2, 2022 by Chris Bratton

PHILADELPHIA — Locally sword enthusiast, and painfully single man, Dan Gorman admits he ‘hasn’t quite cracked the code’ of online dating but remains optimistic, confirmed friends from various message boards.

“When I bought my first ninja stars at a flea market I never expected someday I would own multiple katanas and a replica of the braveheart sword. But even with all of this, no girl wants me to take care of them, to protect them,” said Gorman while admiring his collection of elongated blades. “Whenever I match with someone I ask if they want to meet up at a park and they seem enthusiastic, then when I offer to reenact scenes from my favorite Samurai movies they stop responding. I’ve sent multiple messages to customer support because I think there must be a glitch in my app.”

Angela Harvey who proclaims she loves nerds had this feedback on the heavily armed man’s profile.

“These were some of the most alarming profile photos I’ve ever seen. The swords are front and center and they are always much cleaner than his shirts. The blades look dangerously sharp but he looks like he hasn’t shaved in weeks but somehow also isn’t growing a beard,” said Harvey. “Guys that love anime, play quidditch, and collect train memorabilia; I welcome it all. But something about a guy not smiling in front of shiny weaponry is unsettling on so many different levels.”

Online dating Madi Loewen offered more insights into the mistakes she saw in Gorman’s profile.

“He had so many common tropes in his photos, but they all seemed a bit more threatening because of the swords. We’ve all seen the ‘holding a fish guy,’ well Dan took that to the next level by posting a still shot of him slicing a fish in half with a sword,” said Loewen. “ Usually a picture with a niece or nephew says you want people to think you are a family person. But Dan once again messed that up by having the sword next to the children’s necks almost like he was holding them hostage. Don’t expect to attract a lot of dates when every photo looks like a direct threat.”

Gorman admitted he will be taking a brief break from the dating game while he moves apartments and remains hopelessly optimistic that he will get his security deposit back after spackling all the holes created by mounting 15 swords in his living room.

We Tried Vegan Footwear and It Tastes a Little Like Grass

Posted on July 2, 2022 by Rachel Steele

We’re willing to try anything once. Granted, no one really asked but we tried a new, healthy snack called “vegan footwear.” Here’s our unsolicited review.

The vegan lifestyle certainly isn’t for everyone and after trying this snack, we’re still on the fence. The first brand we tried was from Adidas and, admittedly, it took a while for us to figure out how to cook it. Most vegan experts recommend trying new foods alongside something familiar, so we poured a tallboy PBR over it and dove right in. Sadly, much like many vegan foods, it tasted like faux fur and a fistful of grass.

Next, we had the idea to mix a different brand into a smoothie. We mixed a cup of frozen berries, kale, Guinness, a KSO Evo (size 7), and about half a bag of sugar. Don’t worry, even though the blender caught fire and the whole building had to evacuate, we still enjoyed a melted KSO dip with some tortilla chips. This might be the best way to eat vegan footwear. And don’t forget the cigarettes! They really made the meal complete.

We know what you’re thinking. “They probably think they’re better than everyone just because they tried a vegan snack.” Well, we can assure you this couldn’t be further from the truth. None of us felt any undeserved sense of superiority after trying vegan footwear. We only felt a stabbing pain in our stomach that was likely unrelated. It’s unclear why anyone would willingly eat a gross snack like this but maybe there is something to this whole veganism thing we just can’t see.

10 Terrible Unreleased Songs by Kurt Cobain

Posted on July 2, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

Kurt Cobain’s life came to a tragic end in April of 1994, leaving behind a catalog of despair, hopelessness, and hidden Jack Handey references. But despite penning many classics, the legendary grunge artists also recorded a buttload of subpar songs that were best suited for the cutting room floor.

Here are 10 Kurt Cobain songs we’re glad never saw the light of day.

Unplugged Reading of Mee-Maw Cobain’s Prize-Winning Apple Crisp Recipe

An ardent lover of familial treats and dainties, Kurt never left for tour without a few Tupperware containers full of his Mee-Maw’s prize-winning apple crisps; they were particularly good with a nice cup of Starbucks coffee and just a dollop of uncut scag. Cobain recorded the recipe with an acoustic guitar and a clean vocal track in tribute to Mee-Maw. However, Nirvana was issued a cease-and-desist order from Betty Crocker and the song’s master tapes were thoroughly destroyed.

‘I’d Like To Solve the Puzzle but I Don’t Know How’

Kurt Cobain was often known for his cheeky and macabre sense of humor. He called this cutting room floor track “I’d Like To Solve the Puzzle but I Don’t Know How,” written about his love of the widely-syndicated TV game show “Wheel of Fortune.” Cobain even had RSTLNE tattooed across his lower back.

Orchestral Re-Release of ‘Nevermind’

Not unlike The Ramones before them, Nirvana boiled rock down to its very shitty essence. But the acclaim would eventually go to their heads, as Cobain decided to re-record “Nevermind” with a full orchestra. He recruited a Seattle middle school orchestra, dosed them all with military-grade LSD, and forced them to play the band’s breakthrough album.

‘Shiver Your Timbers’

The Pacific Northwest is known for just two things – Frasier Crane and the robust logging industry. And you may be surprised to learn that Kurt Cobain was a stalwart supporter of both. His pro-logging anthem “Shiver Your Timbers” extolled the joys of quality wooden furniture, militant deforestation, and a general love of cutting wood into tiny pieces and lighting them on fire.

Jingle for the 1994 Lillehammer Olympics

Not even Kurt Cobain was rich enough to turn down winter Olympics money. Plus he was into curling.

Just Mumbling Names From the Phone Book

Exactly what it sounds like, but set to a pre-recorded samba loop from Kurt’s trusty Casio. By this point Mr. Courtney Love was bored and didn’t care what anyone thought, so he recorded a 4 hour long song in which he read every name in the 1993 Seattle yellowpages.

‘Cherry Pie’ Cover

Hair metal dominated the charts in the 1980s, but by the 1990s the genre was reduced to mainly pandering to townie dropouts that peaked in high school. Which is exactly why Cobain, a well-documented hair metal fanatic, insisted that Nirvana cover the Warrant juggernaut “Cherry Pie.” We got to listen to this one. It was pretty badass, but we pretended to hate it.

‘HrrrMnrrrRmmnrrMrrRrr’

Cobain put more and more pressure on himself to grow and evolve as a songwriter. One day in the studio Kurt was on his bullshit and forced himself to sing an entire song without opening his teeth. It wasn’t much different than other Nirvana songs, but this one sucked.

Kris Novoselic Diss Track

Kurt Cobain and Tupac Shakur’s mutual respect for one another was well known, and Cobain was particularly inspired by the Shakur diss track “Hit ‘Em Up”. He penned “I Wish That Bass Had Fucking Killed You,” referencing when Nirvana bassist Kris Novoselic threw his bass in the air and it came crashing down on his head.

‘Skcub Rats’

As a huge fan of both corporate coffee chains and globalization, Kurt wrote “Skcub Rats” to promote Starbucks. Cobain had recently invested in the company with his newfound wealth, as he was known to constantly complain about how much the coffee sucked while touring “podunk” towns throughout the country. Finally, an exhausted Cobain declared “Why don’t we just buy some soulless coffee store and put dozens of them in every town? Then we’ll always be able to get a decent cup.”

Son Caught with Punk-O-Rama CD Forced to Listen to Entire Compilation

Posted on July 1, 2022 by Tim Nash

SACRAMENTO — Young Joey Hopkins was forced to listen to volumes five, seven, and eight of his father’s Epitaph Punk-O-Rama compilation collection in their entirety after stealing them from the basement to impress his teen friends.

“Joey and his friends have been all hopped up on that new Machine Gun Kelly record, and he thought they might be ready to get into some real punk from my youth,” explained an irate Danny “Stick” Hopkins, father of Joey and former punk. “They by-passed Green Day altogether and went straight for the Guy Smiley deep cuts. I’ve warned him so many times about going through my stuff, hopefully this puts a stop to it. This hurts me more than it hurts him, but he has to learn somehow that he can’t just dabble in the non-embarrassing stuff.”

While Joey and his friends enjoyed the pop punk tracks by the likes of Pulley, and The Bouncing Souls, they were a bit taken aback by the compilations’ more hardcore offerings from Refused, Madball, and Death by Stereo.

“There’s no question about it, we just weren’t ready,” admitted Joey’s friend Shaky Darryl. “I mean, those Rancid guys might look scary, but their music was so fun it didn’t matter. But for the life of me I can’t figure out why those Swedish dudes in Refused are so flipping angry. Don’t they have universal health care?”

Epitaph Records founder and Bad Religion guitarist Brett Gurewitz commented on the rising issue of teens discovering their parents’ punk roots.

“It’s true, [they] should be a bit more responsible with their punk paraphernalia, although I think Punk-O-Rama is as good an entry point as any if you are looking for a safe, yet intriguing, introduction into the world. The biting social commentary of early 2000s Bad Religion especially offers an exceedingly prescient view into our current geo-political situation, illuminating the threat of international U.S. imperialism all the while ignoring domestic turmoil at an alarming rate…,” said Gurewitz, trailing off and looking up from a thesaurus. “Did I use enough big words? Greg will get mad at me if I sound dumb.”

Despite the embarrassment of his punk phase resurfacing, Hopkins eventually decided he is actually looking forward to connecting with his son through their newly found shared interests, stating that he might “break out the old Rock Against Bush comps and we can really have some fun.”

Realistic Sex Doll Way Out of Man’s League

Posted on July 1, 2022 by Bobby Korec

MODESTO, Calif. — Local bachelor Lou Charksville admitted that he can’t be himself around his new exceptionally lifelike sex doll which is far too out of his league, sources who hadn’t seen anyone so nervous around an inanimate object in their lives confirmed.

“Usually only rich guys can get with sex dolls this hot, but I just saved up $1,500 so I can finally afford to take one out from behind the register,” said Charksville before timidly facing the doll away from him while changing his clothes. “Before her, I could never muster up the courage to approach an attractive sex doll display at the shop. But there was just something about the Turbo Ashley 5000 where I knew immediately that she was the one for me. Unfortunately, she’s a 10 and I’m objectively a three at best. Good thing it’s what’s on the inside of a sex doll that counts.”

Mario Trublatt, owner and operator of the adult shop Sex Toys “R” Us, revealed that this particular sex doll was one of their bestsellers.

“It’s almost as popular as our signature dildo that bears a striking resemblance to Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson,” said Trublatt while directing a patron looking for the unconventional fetishes section to aisle six. “However, that specific sex doll also happens to be one of our most returned items too. Turns out, it’s so beautiful by human standards that less attractive customers end up feeling self-conscious while plowing it, so they’re forced to exchange it for something more in their league, like a faceless and body-less fleshlight. If only the resell market on sex dolls wasn’t so abysmal.”

Experts seemed almost fearful about the future of sex doll technology.

“These fuckable mannequins are beginning to look more and more realistic by the day,” said sex counselor Aidy Greer. “In fact, we should be worrying less about artificial intelligence becoming sentient and destroying the human race as we know it and more about sex dolls looking so realistically hot that they replace humans for all of our natural intercourse needs. Smart and self-aware AI? Meh. Extremely hot sex dolls though? That’s the dystopia I fear.”

At press time, Charksville started dating a real person from his bowling league and gave his sex doll the old “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse before storing it in the back of his closet.

Red Flag? My Defense Attorney Rollerblades to Court

Posted on July 1, 2022 by Doug Kolic

They say you get what you pay for. That’s why I was expecting a top-notch legal defense after hiring my lawyer who came highly recommended via numerous bus stop flyers. But then I saw him rollerblade into the courtroom. That’s when I started to think I may have made a mistake.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe physical fitness is important. I’m just not sure I like the optics of my legal defender zipping up to the courthouse in bulky hard-shelled ’90s skates while sweating profusely through his New York Jets jersey. Oh yeah, he also doesn’t wear a suit to court and he supports the Jets. Two more red flags right there.

When I first met Larry “The Tomahawk” Jablonski in his office, he wasn’t wearing the Native American headdress or wielding a weapon of war like he did in his ads. Red Flag? Probably. Appropriation? You betcha.

Am I overreacting? After all, the big city is full of colorful characters. As long as he’s a competent lawyer who’s doing everything he can to get me off, maybe I should overlook how he dresses or how he gets around. For instance, whenever we met he was always busy prepping for my case by watching Law & Order episodes on an iPod Classic. He doesn’t have a smartphone because “the government is always watching.”

In retrospect, maybe the rollerblading-to-court thing was the least problematic thing about Larry. Next time I’ll break the bank and hire a lawyer whose flyers are in a coffee shop.

If I’m Not a Creative Genius, Then Why Am I So Abusive to the People Around Me?

Posted on July 1, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

Art is the most important part of my life and, dare I say, the entire existence of the world and everyone in it. There is nothing more important than the freedom of an artist to create under all circumstances, no matter what the cost. So let me ask: how can you say I’m not a creative genius when I am absurdly abusive to all the people around me?

The math is pretty simple. The more I feel entitled to be a piece of shit to literally everyone, the better my art must be.

If there is one thing I know about myself, it’s that I have a voice in me that must speak out in poetic words or daring new forms of painting or whatever seems fun and cool at that moment. For that voice to find its fullest form, I must be allowed allow to exhibit toxic behavior and to act on any impulse at any time, regardless of how damaging it may be to anyone unfortunate enough to get close to me.

Creators like myself must have unlimited freedom to manifest art. Specifically, the unlimited freedom to be a complete dumpster fire of a human who takes it out on whoever is closest, most emotionally vulnerable, or does not have the legal resources of my dad’s law firm to successfully battle me in court when I allegedly steal their car. Fucking philistines.

You know who was also abusive to the people around them? Picasso. Salvador Dali. My dad. Most of those people were awe-inspiring artists and it is solely due to the fuckery they committed. If anyone had told them “stop” or “please God, go to therapy,” we wouldn’t have Cubism or whatever.