Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Joe Biden Is a Huge Loser, but I Can Fix Him

Posted on July 6, 2022 by Allegra Ringo

Look, I’m not a fool. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that Joe Biden is a catch in his current state. He hasn’t forgiven any student debt, he’s failed to stop a pandemic from tearing through the country’s population, and he just kind of stood there shrugging while Roe v. Wade was overturned. But to me? That’s nothing.

I’ve fixed bigger losers than him in my sleep. They said it couldn’t be done, and yet I did it anyway, over and over again with every man I’ve ever dated. That’s why I’m so good at it now, and why I should be entrusted with making Biden into a strapping, stately 79-year-old presidential stud.

Just look at my track record. Before I worked my magic, my ex-boyfriend Eric used to sit around eating Bugles and playing Nintendogs all day. Then I spent years pouring energy into asking him to improve himself in even one measurable way. And now? He owns an Amazon dropshipping business that hardly ever gets in legal trouble.

My previous ex, Justin, was on house arrest for most of our relationship due to his penchant for committing credit card fraud. And after I was done with him? Technically no one knows where he is now, so by definition, he’s no longer on house arrest. Clearly, I know what I’m doing.

Like all the men in my life, Biden is a mess of broken promises, bumbling excuses, and a total unwillingness to admit that he has the power to change anything. But I can tell that he’s a diamond in the rough, and that can honestly be kind of hot.

Remember when Biden gave all U.S households four free Covid tests? It was almost two years into the pandemic and made no exception for households with more than 4 people, but it showed how sensitive he is deep down. And then later he even gave us a few more, without really announcing it or making it clear how to get them! He’s too shy to take the credit, and that’s cute as hell.

Sure, Biden is still a little rough around the edges. He hasn’t ended for-profit detention centers, and his track record on fracking isn’t exactly making me slide off my seat. But give me some time with him. If I just spend years aggressively changing his policies and his wardrobe for him, he’ll be an eligible hunk by the time he’s 83.

At the very least, I know he won’t just sit around all day smoking weed, because he hasn’t decriminalized it.

Music Fan Cuts Down Size of Rare Vintage Poster to Fit $8 Walmart Frame

Posted on July 5, 2022 by Rob Ryder

BALTIMORE — Local music fan and memorabilia collector Eric Castro chopped several inches off an extremely rare Fugazi tour poster in order to place it in an $8 frame from Walmart, confirmed sources who can’t stop hyperventilating.

“At first I just taped it to the wall, and I thought it looked pretty good hanging in the kitchen, but then I splashed some milk on it when I threw a cereal bowl into the sink. That’s when I realized I should take better care of my investment and put it in a frame,” said Castro. “Naturally, framing comes with a price. I had to trim a few inches off each side of the poster to get it to fit, but it still looks fine, I barely even cut into the graphic. I saved the pieces I shaved off, so I could definitely tape the whole thing back together in a pinch, I guarantee no one would even notice the seams.”

Costa’s friend of over 20 years Ted Reiman witnessed the cropping of the poster.

“The second he got the frame home from Walmart, he was reaching for a pair of scissors. It’s just like the goddamn pokemon cards when we were ten,” said Reiman while trying to control his anger. “I told him several times he should measure the poster before buying a frame, but he just said he’s got an ‘eye’ for this kinda thing. And when he actually started cutting it made everything so much worse. It was like watching a kindergartner who desperately needs a nap handle scissors for the first time, but instead of cutting shapes out of craft paper he was mutilating a piece of history.”

Music memorabilia vendor Terry Connors weighed in on the shocking but all too familiar story.

“These posters in good shape can go for top dollar. That era of memorabilia is extremely popular right now,” said Connors. “The real rarity is how hard they are to find in mint condition. There are so many novice collectors who basically ruin everything they touch within minutes by gluing them to a guitar case, writing crappy song lyrics on the back, or just letting them sit under their mattress where it grows mold or gets eaten by silverfish. I’d be more upset if it wasn’t driving the prices in my gallery through the roof.”

At press time, unconfirmed reports have stated the removed sections of the poster are currently on the kitchen counter under several dirty dishes and a wet sponge.

Report: Friend’s Family Eats Dinner Weird

Posted on July 5, 2022 by Allegra Ringo

BELLEVUE, Neb. — Local 12-year-old Jason Mancuso discovered that his best friend Ethan Schumacher and his entire family eat food “totally weird,” confirmed uncomfortable sources close to the middle schooler.

“I was so psyched when Ethan’s mom said I could eat dinner there, but I got a little worried when they said ‘no phones at the table.’ These psychos all sit around the same table eating food and talking about their day instead of grabbing a plate and eating it in your bedroom like a normal person,” said a discombobulated Mancuso. “When I asked if someone could get me the ketchup from the fridge, and his mom said ‘it’s right there on the counter.’ I thought it was against the law if you didn’t refrigerate ketchup. But the weirdest part was how none of the food was served in a plastic tub, it made me uncomfortable and I barely ate anything.”

Ethan Schumacher’s father Dave admitted he was confused by the behavior of their dinner guest.

“At the dinner table, Jason looked completely dazed,” said the elder Schumacher. “He picked up the silverware, which we keep in a container in the center of the table, and examined it like an ape seeing a human tool for the first time. He asked if the food was going to be normal and then he asked what time we feed our dog. I told him we don’t have a dog and he looked like he was going to faint. I almost called his parents because I thought he was having a dissociative episode.”

According to cultural anthropologist Carmen Hall, eating weird and eating like a normal person have been at odds for most of human history.

“Since the beginning of time, some families have eaten weird, while others have eaten normal. For example, my family keeps peanut butter in the cabinet, which is normal, while some of my friends’ families keep it in the fridge, which is deranged. That doesn’t have to stop anyone from being friends — unless, of course, the weird family really crosses a line by eating their pizza crust-first or something,” said Hall. “If you’re invited to a friend’s house for dinner you should consider asking ahead of time if the family has any unhinged eating habits, like enthusiastically eating those weird ends of the bread loaf that should be thrown directly in the trash.”

At press time, the Schumacher family was setting up taco night with the beans in the middle instead of at the beginning at the line.

“A24 Does It Again, a Modern Classic,” Says Reviewer Who Hasn’t Seen Film Yet

Posted on July 5, 2022 by Matt McInerney

MINNEAPOLIS — Film critic Dane Anderson, recently wrote a glowing review of the new A24 film for the pop culture blog “Prong” that was pretty light on any actual details, almost as if he never saw the movie, skeptical readers confirmed.

“Oh, yeah, I remember what I said about it. I… loved it? I said it’s, uh, not a film. It’s… an experience. Maybe I’ll just read an excerpt from my review for, let’s see, ‘Tusk 2,’” said Anderson, seemingly shocked as he glanced down at his review. “As I said, ‘A24 does it again, a modern classic. Complex yet approachable. One thing that really stood out to me is the setting. You could almost say it’s a character. I think that this is the movie America needs right now.’ So yeah, I definitely watched this movie, alright.”

Cinefile and longtime Prong reader Hattie Giles wasn’t buying this review.

“Look, I love most of what A24 puts out too, but we are talking about Kevin Smith’s weird body horror sequel, right? The one where the ‘I’m a Mac’ guy spends most of the film in a super upsetting prosthetic walrus costume?” questioned Giles. “I just didn’t get it. It read like a book report by a kid who didn’t do his summer reading. What did he love so much? The part where the main character ripped his walrus body apart and yelled, ‘snoochie boochies?’ Or the Silent Bob cameo?”

Lawrence Pratt, Anderson’s managing editor at Prong, broke down when asked for comment.

“I just want people to like me. Is that so wrong? Sure, that movie sucked. But the last time I published a bad A24 review, I got a handwritten letter from a reader calling me a ‘dumb bag of hammers with dog shit taste.’ All I did was edit a review for someone who criticized one small element of ‘Everything Everywhere All at Once,’ okay?” pleaded Pratt. “Sure, maybe I should have raised a flag when I saw a five-star review for ‘Tusk 2’ cross my desk, but come on, A24. I thought this would get these weird internet nerds to leave me alone for one day. Also, Kevin Smith’s PR team said if I can pull one quotable line from the review, they’d put us on the poster.”

At press time, Anderson was sitting at home browsing Reddit while the next movie he was assigned to review played in the background at low volume.

Trigger Warning: You May Not Enjoy My Dune Fanfic if You’re Not Into “Worm Stuff”

Posted on July 5, 2022 by Dustin Newman

Frank Herbert was obviously a genius. He created such an original, expansive universe for us all to enjoy. Much has been written and said about the ecology of Dune and how brilliantly it was detailed. It so clearly paints the picture for us of Arrakis, a desert planet, the land of spice, home to the Fremen, and of course, sandworms.

If there’s one critique I have for Herbert, it’s that for all his grand expositions, he didn’t delve as far into the sandworms as I’d have liked. And that’s where my fanfiction comes in. I would love for you to read it, but I would be remiss if I did not offer a trigger warning: If you’re not into, you know, “worm stuff,” this may not be your cup of tea.

I’ll be honest, I’m no Frank Herbert, hell I’m no Brian Herbert. But storytelling 101 dictates that when you invent creatures as majestic and glorious as the sandworms, you need to answer some basic questions about if and how they fuck. Call it Chekhov’s fuck-worm.

Sandworms are up to 450 meters long, in comparison, blue whales back here on Earth are about 33 meters long. You’re telling me it’s not worth explaining how these massive, thick, scaled creatures have coitus? I cannot and will not abide.

My magnum opus is called “Wormriding,” and I get INTO it. Again, it’s not for the faint of heart. “Wormriding” fully and singularly explores how sandworms rhythmically vibrate with one another if you catch my drift. And in case you don’t, I’m referring to the fact that they vibrate on one another to stimulate their massive sexual organs.

That warning aside, I recommend it for all fans of the original Dune, anyone with an interest in non-arthropod invertebrate animals, but mostly for people like me who’ve spent countless nights with no light in their life except the comforting glow of a screen illuminating Wattpad.com.

The universe of Dune won’t be the only thing expanding when you read Wormriding, I guarantee it.

Rockabilly Singer in Vintage Chevelle Late for BBQ After Accidentally Driving in Five Small Town Parades

Posted on July 4, 2022 by Chris Bratton

WENONAH, N.J. — Local rockabilly legend Rex Thompkins of the band “Rex and the Groovebacks” is currently stuck behind a group of fez-adorned Shriners in a small town parade for the fifth time today, sources waving small American flags confirmed.

“There is no way the potato salad I made this morning is still good. This car doesn’t have AC and it’s just been sitting in the backseat roasting in the son,” said Thompkins as he slowly made his way through another quaint downtown area. “I was supposed to be at a party three hours ago, but it seems like every time I cross into a new town some old guy redirects straight into the middle of another goddamn parade. It’s not the worst thing in the world to have people admire my ride, but in the last town, a guy and his dog hopped in my backseat and started waiving. He said the dog was the town’s mayor or something, but I was just worried about my upholstery. I knew I should have taken the highway.”

Onlookers were first enthralled by the loud revving of the 1968 Chevelle but it quickly became clear that something was awry.

“It was thrilling to see that car, I told my grandson I used to have one when I was a teenager and I would drive all around town with my friends raising Cain. But then things turned sour he started honking his horn, calling everyone wet rags and saying how our town was bullshit,” local drugstore owner Chip Turner complained. “He was not being very patriotic for one. We assumed he was some sort of paid entertainer like how I paid someone to be a Spider-Man at my grandson’s birthday party.”

Veteran parade organizer Hope Brown says getting stuck in a parade is more common than people realize and offered these helpful tips to rockabilly fans.

“If it’s a parade-heavy holiday and you are cruising in your convertible hot rod you need to know the warning signs. If you see a marching band, crudely made floats advertising small businesses, or an entire town’s elderly population sitting in lawn chairs along the sidewalk then you have to turn around,” said Brown. “Also avoid people in crowns or wearing sashes. If you are going to comb back your slick black hair try to at least a mile away from a VFW or old fire station. And if you do get caught in a parade, be decent and unroll the cigarettes out of the sleeve of your white t-shirt.”

At press time, Thompkins was further delayed when his old lady was asked to pose for pin-up modeling shots for a local calendar.

Help! I Read Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” and I’m Still a Broke Coward!

Posted on July 4, 2022 by John Danek

The goal of a man is to identify his weaknesses, eliminate them, and then start crushing life right in the asshole. At least, that’s what my constant intake of wisdom from Tim Ferris, Tai Lopez, Jordan Belfort, and other cool white and white-ish guys has taught me.

No tome is more frequently recommended by my sociopathic idols than Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War.” Ostensibly a collection of tactics for obsolete military battles, this book actually contains secrets and strategies for manipulating everyone around you, bending opponents to your will, and making it rain like Jeff Bezos at a human trafficking auction.

But there’s just one problem. I’ve read this boring-ass book like 4 times now, and I’m still a broke coward!

First of all, nothing in this book translates to my life at all. The opening chapter is all about planning, but it doesn’t tell me what to plan. I have no skills or ideas for anything whatsoever, and I am extremely risk-averse. I once decided to play the lottery and was so distraught at the prospect of losing that I couldn’t even watch them read the numbers on TV. So what the fuck am I supposed to plan?

Chapter 5 is all about momentum and wielding your energy. Ok, well, I sleep about 15 hours per day and spend most of the other time streaming myself playing Conker’s Bad Fur Day on Twitch to an audience of up to 3 while my mom pays my rent. Again, not seeing how anything in this chapter can help me become the multi-millionaire felon I dream of being.

It ends with possibly the most bewildering chapter, which is about gaining intelligence via spies. Easy for you to say, Sun Tzu, who probably had like dozens of friends. But what if someone like me, a friendless dummy with a very wet cough, wants to wage war? Did you ever think of that? No, you fool.

So don’t believe the hype. Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” sucks absolute shit and won’t help you make any scratch. But maybe watching Glengarry Glen Ross for the 22nd time will?

Opinion: Life Was Simpler in the ’90s When I Had No Bills, Responsibilities, or Understanding of the World

Posted on July 4, 2022 by Dan Kozuh

The 1990s were such a simpler time in America where, truly, we as a country didn’t have any major troubles or conflicts. It is just a coincidence that it was during a time in my life when I was a child with zero burdens, complete indifference to politics, and my frontal lobe wasn’t fully formed. It was a peaceful period after the cold war where America had little to no problems, at least from what I remember.

We didn’t have cell phones, social media, or climate change and we also didn’t have jobs, children, or mortgages.

Racism was basically erased in the ’90s, movies like Friday allowed white kids like me to understand what life was like in the inner city and we were free to quote The Notorious B.I.G. The only pandemic I had to worry about was how the movie Titanic took over the world for most of 1997. Not to mention that our parents worked so hard for some reason that we were unsupervised and allowed to do basically anything we wanted.

And it wasn’t just because almost all pop culture was geared towards straight white male teens, like me. MTV played music, movies weren’t all CGI, and the only war we had to worry about was the Monday night wrestling war between WWE and WCW. I’ll admit that not having to grocery shop or cook a single meal for myself, let alone other people, might have taken some of the pressure but the 90s has three quality Star Trek shows; sometimes running concurrently!

Now music is just mumbling, all TV is politically correct mush, and they’re all like a hundred different kinds of sexuality. Nowadays, people are accountable for their actions and it is impossible to remain willfully ignorant of the plight of the world thanks to the 24-hour news cycle. Sure CNN existed in the ’90s but I didn’t watch it.

I couldn’t imagine being a kid growing up in the current decade. I feel sorry for them honestly.

“I’m a Loser, Baby, So Why Don’t You Kill Me?” Says Millennial Not Quoting Beck

Posted on July 4, 2022 by John Danek

JESSUP, Md. — Depressed, despondent millennial Harry Chalke confused those around him when he unwittingly quoted Beck’s “Loser” while summarizing his current state of mental health, worried friends reported.

“I started saying I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me?’ and everyone was like ‘I love Beck’ and I didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about, I was just making a statement, and asking to be put out of my misery,” said Chalke, who hates alternative radio rock and listens exclusively to SoundCloud rap. “I don’t even know why my girlfriend Debra stays with me. Her sister Jenny hates me. I basically have nothing to my own name except two turntables and a microphone, but my DJ career is in tatters. I can’t get booked anywhere. It’s like… wow. It’s like right, right now? My life just sucks shit.”

Beck, the creator of countless infectious songs which have seeped into the collective consciousness, was initially alarmed by Chalke’s usage of his lyrics.

“At first I thought this kid was attempting to steal my intellectual property which isn’t a very cool move,” said Beck, who was voted People Magazine’s #1 Person Who Kinda Looks Okay in a Fedora Sometimes. “But then I realized he likely isn’t super aware of me. His parents probably listened to ‘Mellow Gold’ while they were fighting their way through a divorce or something. So I just feel bad for him. I wish he could experience the complete lack of caring and consequence we Gen Xers enjoy. Wait, that last sentence could be a killer lyric.”

Researchers note an uptick in millennials and Gen Z unintentionally quoting some of the most melodramatic and self-loathing lyrics from the generations before them.

“It’s not uncommon for the lyrics of previous decades’ hits to embed themselves into the subconsciousness and come out during times of difficulty,” said Dr. Kathy Barnhorn, a research psychologist with a private practice in Baltimore. “Gen X especially touted a sense of nihilism and apathy, but it was largely a facade. They had good MTV, great metal bands on the radio, and porked so, so much more than millennials, who really got the short end of the historical stick.”

Chalke’s situation has reportedly taken a turn for the worse, as he has been frequently heard muttering “I hate myself and want to die” while never acknowledging he had been listening to Nirvana.

Crowd Surfer Incessantly Ridicules Crowd Boogie Boarder

Posted on July 3, 2022 by Michael Luis

HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — Veteran crowd surfer Eddie Wang openly mocked crowd boogie boarder Erik Denton after riding the audience at a Huntington Beach punk show last night, non-stoked onlookers confirmed.

“I don’t know who the fuck that guy thinks he is coming into my local venue and cruising on top of my friends with that stupid fucking pieces of styrofoam,” explained Wang. “These crowd boogie boarders are a bunch of posers that ruin the whole vibe. They always dive during the best parts, they have no pit etiquette, and I want them gone. See this scar? This is from landing on a guy with a spiky jacket at a Pennywise show in 1997. I used to crowd surf every year at the Warped Tour, even after they banned it. Talk to me when you’ve paid your dues!”

Despite receiving a string of insults that included “booger boarder,” “boogie woogie,” and “dickless fuckhead with no friends,” Denton is unfazed and intends to continue his passion.

“He poured a beer on my board, which just rolled right off because it’s waterproof, but it was still pretty mean,” said Denton. “But I love the feeling of crowd boogie boarding and am never going to stop. We spend just as much time on top of people as any surfer. One day we’ll get the respect we deserve! I mean, look at scooter kids. Skaters used to rip on them all the time, and now they just rip on them some of the time. That’s something for us to strive for.”

Marvin Alton, a crowd surfing historian from the University of Southern California, says this is an all too common interaction.

“Crowd surfing is something that takes years to master,” explains Alton. “You have to time the perfect jump, make sure to only crush the people you don’t like, and stick the landing when the crowd carries you down. Crowd boogie-boarding is comparatively easier to pick up, so crowd surfers view them as lesser. However, things get even more tumultuous when you bring in crowd wakeboarders. They ride a full motorboat on top of the crowd. I’ve heard of crowd members getting cut from the spinning rotor blades or who choked on the gas fumes. Suffice to say, everyone hates them.”

As of press time, Wang and Denton have now put aside their differences to mourn a recently deceased crowd-kayaker they both knew who crowd-drowned.

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