Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

We Sat Down With the Wrong Father John Misty and Now We Have to Say 10 Hail Marys

Posted on July 8, 2022 by Zach Hudson

When our publisher told us that he got us an interview with Josh Tilman, also known as “Father John Misty,” our first reaction was “what did we do to deserve such punishment?” We’ve interviewed a lot of conceited, self-righteous artists throughout our career, but really, this guy?

After complaining about the assignment with a friend over drinks, she told us that she knew Father John Misty, and would be happy to go with us. Hoping that she could kind of carry the interview and that we could just zone out the entire time, we gladly obliged.

On the day of the interview, we pulled up to a church, which we thought was weird, but figured it was just one of his bizarre, insufferable acts. Our friend walked us in but then told us that, much to our dismay, we had to go into the room alone.

There was a single chair, and Tilman was nowhere in sight. Then a voice came from this box-type thing and said “have a seat, my son.” Again, weird, but when dealing with this guy you’ve just gotta roll your eyes and go with the flow, right?

We figured we’d ask about his time in Fleet Foxes because that sounded way more interesting than hearing him drone on about the inspiration behind his latest release “Chloe and the 20th Century.” But he completely dodged the question and asked us what’s been troubling us.

We had been feeling pretty guilty about the other day when we spilled beer all over our roommate’s record collection and just hoped he wouldn’t notice, so we told him about that. He told us that we should come clean about what we did and that our roommate, like God, would forgive. Honestly, we felt a lot better. He then told us to say 10 Hail Marys and sent us on our way.

All in all, it was a positive experience. We left the church feeling like a massive weight had been lifted off our shoulders and relieved that he cut the interview so short.

It was only when our publisher called us to say that the actual Mr. Tilman was on the other line, and was furious that we’d kept him waiting for two hours, that we realized we had interviewed the wrong Father John Misty. Thankfully, he made it very clear he didn’t want to reschedule. Maybe God is real.

10-Second Movie Quote in Song Doing 90 Percent of the Work

Posted on July 8, 2022 by Matt McInerney

WILLIMANTIC, Conn. — Local emo band Fastpitch Baseball has reportedly gotten lazy during the recording of their new album and started using movie clips in place of good song-writing or intelligible lyrics, agitated fans confirm.

“When we wrapped the recording of ‘Dead Williams,’ we were happy with most of it, but we felt the last track just needed something. We really wanted a way to hammer home the album’s message,” said founding guitarist Tommy Benson. “That’s when we had this idea… Well, our singer did. God forbid you to tell this story without mentioning that. Instead of doing a lot of work like re-writing or re-recording the lyrics, what if we just drop in a movie quote that sort of sums up the theme of the entire record? We knew it needed to be perfect so we all went home and watched rom-coms from the ‘90s until we found the right clip.”

Mylo Blankenship, a long-time fan of the band, was having a hard time figuring out what the album was about until he got to that quote.

“I loved their last album, ‘Nolan Dyin.’ They pretty much used a movie quote at the beginning of each song to let me know if it would be sad, or funny, or a mix of both. This album was different though, much fewer quotes and the whole thing was pretty inane. It felt like the same song over and over, and the lyrics were nonsense,” said Blankenship. “But that ‘You’ve Got Mail’ sample… Nice! As soon as Meg Ryan says, ‘I wanted it to be you so badly!’ I was like, oh, it’s kind of an If-You-Like-Piña-Coladas thing. I get it! I think.”

Music historian Audrey Hansen has seen this trend come and go over the years.

“I worry it’s starting to come back. You see this clip trick often from bands who can’t quite finish a song. They’ll find someone else’s work that is much more polished or able to deliver a clear message and basically just steal it. And no one seems to care,” said Hansen. “I guess they figure: why do the work yourself when Nora Ephron has been honing her craft for years? But, I mean, hey, it does work. Fans sometimes remember the quote more than the song, but the band gets all the credit.”

At press time, Benson was spotted trying to mimic his girlfriend’s voice as he left a message on his own voicemail.

UK Street Punk Band Suddenly Has to Scrap Half Their Set List

Posted on July 7, 2022 by James Knapp

LONDON — Notorious London street punk band The Ruckus Mutts were forced to abandon over fifty percent of their setlist following the announcement of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s resignation earlier today, sources who never thought this day would come confirmed.

“What’s this already?! We’ve been waiting to play our new songs about how he’s a fucking twat for years — and now that the wanker just up and quits before we could book a show and it’s all for shite,” explained vocalist Billy ‘Dogboy’ Longstreet while drinking his fourth pint of the afternoon. “Yeah, I hate that Johnson fucker as much as any member of the working class can hate an elitist stuffed suit, but c’mon, he was most of our material. Our songs about Theresa May were ignored, and our Tony Blair songs just don’t have the same wallop as they used to and until they elect a new exploiter of the people we’re kinda screwed for content.”

An anonymous source close to the band expressed concern over the group’s future and creative direction following Johnson’s resignation.

“The Ruckus Mutts are great at what they do. Songs like ‘Suck Yours, Johnson’ and ‘Kill Your Mum Ya PM Bum’ are easily some of the best political punk songs to come out of the UK in the past few years. But outside of beleaguering Boris Johnson they don’t have a ton of other sources of inspiration,” explained the band’s former amphetamine dealer, who requested not to be named. “I remember I showed up to their practice with a ‘delivery’ once and they tried to show me this new song they were working on about unilateral probation reform. Still not sure how they managed to work the word ‘bollocks’ into the judicial code so many times, but needless to say, it was not exactly their best work. Not by a long shot”

Now-former Prime Minister Boris Johnson gave his thoughts on the new difficulties faced by his musical detractors.

“Welly welly welly welly well — look who’s not bothering to be quite such a load of raucous cads and sods all the sudden, are ya?” quipped a smug Johnson, whose tenure as Prime Minister recently ended after a thoroughly unsurprising sexual abuse scandal. “Sure, ya loike to mock me teef and me hair and how I don’t do none to good a jobby wobby and all. But what’cha cheeky pricks gonna do without ol’ Boris no more? Blimey! You pukes.”

At press time, The Ruckus Mutts were looking to explore new material, asking who Conservative Party Chair Ben Elliot is.

Meticulously Planned Acid Trip Foiled By Extra Long Opening Set

Posted on July 7, 2022 by Zach Hudson

AUSTIN, Texas — Local man Evan Stark’s highly anticipated acid trip at progressive rock band Organic Matter’s outdoor concert was foiled by the opening band playing well past when their set was supposed to end, confirmed multiple sources who believe the smoke machine might be a living dragon.

“I had this all planned out perfectly, checked the set times, looked at the past setlists, I even called the venue to confirm when curfew is,” said Stark. “This is bullshit. It’s 9:20 and this band is still fucking playing. I didn’t know opening bands were allowed to do encores. I should be peaking during ‘Spacetime Continuum,’ my favorite song, but no, now I’m going to peak when a bunch of roadies are breaking down equipment. Didn’t they think about how this would affect their fans’ experience? I can’t be the only person this is happening to.”

Organic Matter drummer Sheldon Scott was far from empathetic that the band’s set time being pushed back had “ruined” Stark’s evening.

“Look, we love our fans, but I really, really don’t care that we’re messing up this guy’s acid trip by letting River Ritual play an extra long set tonight,” said Scott. “We’re trying to distance ourselves from the image of being a band you go to see on drugs anyway. Hell, all of us have been sober since 2008. Maybe he should just try and actually enjoy River Ritual. Their new stuff is great, and probably really great on acid if I had to guess.”

Promoter Haley North, who has been booking shows for over twenty years, described Stark’s planning as “amateur,” and offered her advice on how Stark and other showgoers could get the most out of their psychedelic experience in the future.

“First of all, we posted the new set times on Instagram this morning, so clearly this guy isn’t the master planner that he thinks he is,” said North. “You can try and control your trip as much as you want, but it’s never going to go entirely as planned, so just go with the flow. I bet he didn’t even test this stuff beforehand. It could be bunk for all he knows. Regardless, better luck next time, and no, we will not be offering him a refund.”

At press time, sources report that Stark’s pupils grew to the size of dinner plates, and the fact that “Come on Eileen” was part of the set break playlist gave him “some seriously weird vibes.”

I Don’t Care That We “Both Kind of Liked” Breakfast at Tiffany’s, if You Show Up at My Work Again I’ll Call the Cops

Posted on July 7, 2022 by Sam LiButti

There is no way in hell that both of us “kind of” liking Breakfast at Tiffany’s is enough of a reason for you to keep showing up at my work and my apartment begging for another chance. You need to honor the restraining order and leave me alone. We went on ONE date dude, chill. It’s been like three years! You have to give it up!

Stop showing up at my home and work, stop “running into me” at my favorite coffee shop, stop telling me when and where your band Deep Blue whateverthefuck is playing, I am not interested.

Let me break down exactly what you are obsessing over. You asked me “What about ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s?’” I responded “I think I remember the film” because like, what a weird question. You seemed crestfallen by this, so in politeness, I offered “If I recall I THINK we both KIND OF liked it.” I would not call that “the one thing we’ve got.” I wouldn’t call that anything.

If I am being completely honest about that movie, I thought it “kind of” blew ass. The whole time you kept saying “wait for it, this is the best part” and then it would always just wind up being Mickey Rooney playing a terribly racist Asian character. When I tried to bring it up you just shushed me and said “don’t speak, just watch the master at work.” I kept waiting for them to have breakfast thinking maybe that would save it but I don’t think they ever did…what gives?

Even if I did like that movie, what kind of psycho thinks that’s enough to base a relationship on? You don’t think maybe you should find someone who has a few more shared interests? Why not find someone who totally likes Breakfast at Tiffany’s?

It just doesn’t make any sense, dude. It’s bad enough I keep having to shoo away those creepy-looking Scottish twins who are always falling down at my door proclaiming their love for me looking like they have walked at least 499 miles, if not more. I’m a busy woman, I can’t keep nursing all of these men’s egos.

What I’m saying is, we have nothing in common, no common ground to start from, and you need to fuck off.

35-Year-old Not Expected To Live After Skipping Caffeine for One Day

Posted on July 7, 2022 by Allegra Ringo

PHOENIX — 35-year-old Cassie Lozano is in critical condition after she foolishly came to the conclusion she needed to limit her caffeine intake and decided to skip coffee for one day, confirmed sources close to the situation.

“I had talked to her before I went on my morning jog and when I came back she was passed out on the floor. She went from irritable to exhausted to comatose in the span of about an hour,” said Lozano’s roommate Edith Mitchell. “I knew I should have run to Starbucks and grabbed her something as soon as she mentioned she had a little headache. I skipped caffeine for a day once too, so I recognized all the warning signs but I was too caught up in my own routine. I tried making her a cup of tea, but by then it was too late. I wish I had called 911 when she said ‘I’m just so fucking over everything today,’ if she doesn’t pull through then I’ll never live this down.”

Mandy Garcia, one of Lozano’s coworkers, blames herself for the incident.

“When I heard Cassie was in the ICU my heart sank,” said Garcia. “I don’t drink any caffeine, and Cassie had been asking me about it lately because she’s been wanting to make some lifestyle changes. But the huge difference is I’m only 26. Cassie is much older than me, nearly 35. She can’t just quit cold turkey, she needs to ween herself off slowly. Completely quitting coffee would be like suggesting that my grandma become an ultramarathoner. It’s a death sentence.”

Dr. Lorena Reese says it is not uncommon for someone in their mid-30s to have their body simply give out after being deprived of caffeine, even for just a few hours.

“I’m saddened, but not surprised, a sudden lack of caffeine could permanently damage the old, old brain of someone born in the late ‘80s,” said Dr. Reese. “People in their mid-thirties often believe their bodies are capable of withstanding much more than they actually are. If you’re 35 or older, I beg you, err on the side of believing that your body and brain will not survive the smallest change. If you’re lucky enough that your body is even a little bit functional at that age, just keep doing what you’re doing and don’t push your luck.”

At press time, Lozano was being moved to a different hospital bed to make room for a 37-year-old who had eaten dairy without taking a Lactaid pill first.

Oh Fuck: That’s What Podcast Host Looks Like?

Posted on July 7, 2022 by Mimi Kenny

I’ve been listening to this podcast for a while now, and I could probably recognize the hosts’ voices from a mile away. Yet, I have no idea what one of them actually looks like. Probably just looks like a dude with a podcast, right? I saw the other guy do stand-up in San Diego last year and he pretty much looked how I expected. Well, time to find out for sure!

Well, I’ll be damned. That’s what he looks like?

It’s definitely him. It’s his verified Twitter and everything. But I still can’t make the connection between the guy who I’ve devoted hundreds of hours listening to talk about the social implications of Gossip Girl and the images looking back at me.

He’s pretty good-looking. I mean, I didn’t think he’d be unattractive. I just thought he’d look like the other guy, just kind of normal. But no, he’s pretty hot. I figured he’d have a beard or something, but he’s completely clean-shaven. And his hair is dirty blond? I thought it’d be brown and that he’d be balding.

I’m not saying podcast hosts all look the same. But if you ask me to describe what your typical pop culture podcast host looks like, he would not fit my description. But from now on, every time I hear him talk about Chace Crawford’s eyebrows or how Blake Lively pronounces certain words, I’m going to be imagining how he looks like he runs a mineral water-based startup.

Why does his voice sound like that? He has a pretty nasally Midwestern accent. Which, again, is no big deal. But it just doesn’t match this image at all. He has to know, right? Like, it has to have visibly shaken people when he’s spoken in public.

His name is “Alan.” People named Alan don’t look like this, right?

Maybe it just feels weird because I’m looking at pictures. Let me click one of these vlogs he does. That’ll probably make a big difference.

Shit, it just feels weirder now. Like it’s his voice but he’s dubbing over a guy who could get a speaking role on Succession if he knew the right people.

Whatever, though. It’s not like I’m gonna stop listening. Especially not when they’re about to talk about the Armie Hammer arc.

Oh fuck, that’s what his wife looks like?

Setlist Hoping It Goes Home with Someone Hot

Posted on July 6, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — The setlist for headlining band Numb Numbers is hoping that it goes home with some super-hot member of the audience, preferably that blonde who clapped a few times, reports indicate.

“Look, this was a pretty killer performance,” said the damp setlist, which was wedged under a stage monitor at local venue The Jackawolf. “I don’t like to boast, but I’m a pretty key element of this band’s show, reminding them that they’re playing “Alone Forever (For Now)” for the encore if they’re allowed to do an encore, keeping everybody on the same page when they get too drunk to know what they are doing. I’m basically indispensable and as such, think I deserve to have a hottie take me home tonight. I don’t care if it’s a dude or a chick, they just better look like they’ve seen the inside of a gym.”

“I will not go home with anyone less than a 7.5,” added the setlist. “Definitely not, unless the crowd really thins out.”

Jackawolf bartender/venue owner Walter Corrigan was dismissive of the setlist’s aspirations.

“Every setlist thinks they’re king fuck of shit mountain. It should be thankful we even allowed it to be partially taped to the stage,” said Corrigan. “At the end of the night, they’re going to go home with whoever picks them up. What’s this piece of scrap paper have going for it? Sure, it lets everyone know the band covers ‘Mr. Brightside, but it’s not like it’s the same set list the band used when they opened for Carlos D’s solo project eight years ago.”

The setlist from Fresh Eggz, the previous night’s band, was not optimistic about its successor’s chances.

“When you’re up there in the spotlight, the applause is like a drug,” said Fresh Eggz’s discarded setlist. “I really expected I was going to get taken home by some sexy young thing or even a sensual mature thing or eventually some borderline acceptable, indeterminately aged thing, but it just never happened for me. Then I just got swept up with all the cigarette butts and dumped in the trash with the other garbage nobody wanted. But you have to hope. You always have to hope.”

As of press time, the Numb Numbers set list was getting concerned after it spotted the guitarist’s discarded pick being taken home by a straight-up 10.

Photo by Jana Miller.

How to Save $300 a Month by Making Coffee at Home and Stealing From the Self-Checkout

Posted on July 6, 2022 by Zach Hudson

Money management has been a hot topic lately, and with there being no signs of the cost of living going down anytime soon, even the most frivolous spenders are trying to practice frugality. If you’re finding yourself needing to slash your monthly budget, saving hundreds is as easy as making coffee at home, and casually stealing items at the self-checkout of your favorite mega-corporations.

You’re likely used to hearing condescending financial advice from people with multiple vacation homes; cut out the fancy lattes, ditch the avocado toast, skip out on the little treat to help you cope with the hell world we are living in because it isn’t on sale. You could do that, and slowly rob yourself of all things that bring you joy because you don’t “need it.” Or you could just steal them.

Take coffee for instance. For the person who visits Starbucks every morning and spends five dollars on their drink, they’re looking at $150 a month, and that’s assuming they’re only drinking a cup a day. That person could instead buy a large bag of coffee beans or grounds, and a box of filters for about $15. Better yet, they could turn down the volume on the self-checkout, put their hand over the item’s code, and time their “scan” with that of the customer standing next to them, leading to a savings of $150 a month!

But why stop with coffee? In addition to saving hundreds, stealing from the self-checkouts of mega-corporations that don’t pay a living wage while the executives ride on private jets can be quite thrilling. That Whole Foods brand hummus is going to taste even sweeter knowing your hard-earned money isn’t lining Jeff Bezo’s pockets. Experience the rush of feeling like you’re sticking it to the Walton’s by lifting a loaf of bread. After all, they’ve done their part in creating the economic conditions that lead people to steal in the first place.

An extra $300 a month goes a long way! You might get to pay off your credit card or even take a vacation before ultimately giving that money to your landlord when they raise the rent. If that time comes, and you find yourself needing to score additional five-finger discounts, just remember to never lift everything from one store, and be mindful about the weight of an item before placing it in your bag.

CVS Worker Receives Blank Stare After Asking Woman How She Is Doing in Semi-Permanent Hair Dye Aisle

Posted on July 6, 2022 by Josephine Ramos

GREEN BROOK, N.J. — CVS employee Martin Jackson received a harrowingly blank stare from a customer after naively asking how she was doing while she browsed options in the hair dye aisle, confirmed management.

“It was just a normal day greeting customers when I found a young woman crouched next to the hair dye. I realized she hadn’t moved an inch in over five minutes so I finally asked if I could help her with anything,” said Jackson while splashing cold water onto his face in the store’s break room. “I get it. Not many customers like making small talk, so I wasn’t expecting much from our interaction. But when we locked eyes, I could tell she was going through something. She looked like she hadn’t slept in days and her tired eyes didn’t look at me, they looked through me. It was as if she just witnessed a thousand deaths and their souls ripped from their bodies, but I was just trying to be helpful.”

An onlooking customer recounts her experience witnessing the interaction.

“I overheard an employee making small talk with another customer and the whole exchange was unsettling,” said CVS ExtraCare Rewards member Sharon Lewis. “I peered over the shelf to see a young woman doing a weird crab walk while holding two boxes of green hair dye. She was dead silent other than a few grunts and maybe a low hiss, and she had the most gut-wrenching look of emptiness in her eyes. The employee tried to engage, but the woman seemed to be in her own world, just lost. I was so thankful that the entire interaction was over, but as soon as he left, I looked over the shelf again to see the woman balled up on the ground quietly sobbing, surrounded by boxes of Arctic Fox hair dye.”

Board-certified psychologist Dr. Maxine Franklin is one of the most well-regarded voices in the field of stress management.

“It’s very common for someone going through intense mental distress to induce drastic cosmetic changes,” said Dr. Franklin. “I have seen many patients choose to shave their head, dye their hair, pierce their eyebrow, get a throat tattoo, and the list goes on, all to cope with the unbearable amount of stress. Then again, you don’t really need a degree in psychology to know that a box of twelve-dollar drug store hair dye is usually not the purchase of a fiscally or mentally stable person.”

At press time, witnesses reported seeing the woman at the nearby QuickMart entering her eighth hour of staring at frozen dinners.

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