Lovesick Goth Looks Longingly At Pair Of Crows Eating Spilled Funyuns

Posted on by Jonah Nink

MINNEAPOLIS — Local goth Matilda Flowers spent the afternoon wistfully staring at a pair of crows eating a pile of Funyuns next to a dumpster yesterday, concerned sources reported.

“Oh, to have what they have,” sighed Flowers, who had recently gone through a breakup. “All I want is to spend a hot summer afternoon pecking away at sewage-soaked Funyuns with my beloved. Crows mate for life, so those two will be eating garbage together for eternity. Meanwhile, I had to go on a tinder date with a guy named Tanner last week. My soul yearns for just a taste of what these two dead-eyed birds have with each other. I don’t care how many sun-baked sidewalk pizzas I have to eat.”

Flowers’ long-time friend and fellow goth Rachel “The Raven” Williamson explained that a pair of crows is the ideal goth relationship.

“Crows have everything that goths don’t,” said Williamson. “For example, screaming at passing children from a tree branch is frowned upon if you’re human. Crows on the other hand get a free pass. It’s borderline unfair that crows can play inside roadkill and hang out in cemeteries while goths have to pay taxes and follow laws. Hell, a group of crows is literally called a ‘murder.’ Ever wondered where the inspiration for our sorrowful poetry comes from? It’s all crow envy.”

Ornithologist Joe Baxter explained that crows might not be the best birds to envy.

“I love it when people take an interest in the animals I study, but this may be too far,” said Baxter. “For years crows have been painted as these mystical creatures, but you have to remember that they’re just a bird that won’t hesitate to eat your garbage. Foraging might look fun and all, but in the end all it gives them is indigestion and parasites. That’s not poetry-worthy and neither is a bad case of ringworm. The only thing I’ll give on is the mating for life point, which is one thing our species sucks at.”

Flowers was later seen trying to flirt with another crow perched on a mailbox it had just shit on.

Could Insects Be the Protein Source of the Future for People Not as Wealthy as Me?

Posted on by Dan Rice

By our current projections, there will be 9.8 billion people on the planet by 2050. With such exponential population growth and World War 3 just refusing to start for some reason, we face a crisis of dwindling resources. How do we feed a population that high in a sustainable way? The solution may be in the dirt beneath your feet — bugs.

Insects are the most abundant and renewable protein source on the earth. If people started consuming bug meal as their primary food source we can not only combat starvation but reduce the carbon footprint of our species. To be clear, I’m not saying I will be eating bugs, I went to Yale. I mean you.

As I watch my UberEats driver drop my Wagyu steak and steamed vegetables through the slit in my window blinds, I can’t help but ask myself “What is he going to be eating 20 years from now that will keep him alive enough to keep delivering my delicious food?” Then it dawns on me that he can just eat fucking bugs.

As my stomach fills with expertly seared top-tier beef, I find myself more and more content with the image of my courier feeding himself and his children with live cockroaches.

It goes without saying that most people in the western world have a stigma against eating insects, but this is a cultural norm we need to overcome if we are going to survive the decades to come. Again, by “we” I mean “you.” I clear 500k a year for moving your money around and will always be able to afford real food so I can keep on knowing bugs are gross, but you can’t!

Obviously, we can’t expect the poor to just start eating raw bugs right out of the ground, even though that’s a cool idea that makes my penis erect. I’m talking about farm-grown insects processed into a ground meal with awesome flavors! We’re talking Chipotle fly larvae. We’re talking cool ranch beetles. How about baja blast crickets? You poors like when stuff is baja blasted, right?

Fucking eat bugs. Eat bugs now. Do it. Do it right in front of me, go on. Do it.

New Food Sensitivity Test Promises to Confirm Whatever You Wanted to Be Sensitive To

Posted on by Matt McInerney

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local woman Hannah Bowell reportedly found an online food sensitivity test that confirmed all her self-diagnosed food allergies, exhausted sources confirmed.

“For years, I’ve been telling friends that I struggle with things like gluten, dairy, almonds, ginger, you name it. They would roll their eyes, not believing that I have an exceptionally fine-tuned relationship with my body,” said Bowell. “But ever since I found VeriWell, I can confidently say that I was right all along about my reactivity to kelp, cooked ham, raw cucumber, sea salt, and anything remotely fermented. Servers will finally have to show some respect when I dramatically modify my order.”

Ethan Starch, CEO of VeriWell, is thrilled that happy customers like Bowell are finding the validation they’re looking for.

“When I started this company, I wanted to give people the confidence to say, ‘I know my body.’ We were founded to confirm what you already know in your heart: that you have a .213 reactivity level to saffron,” said Starch as he dropped a fat stack into his bill counter. “That’s why for the low price of $279.99, we’ll send you our cutting-edge at-home testing kit. You just check off a list of what you know you’re sensitive to, bleed into our patented vial, and send it back to our state-of-the-art lab. In two weeks or less, you’ll get a letter in the mail confirming you were right. Oh, and we include a very nice certificate!”

Kaylie Hoffman, a local nutritionist, expressed her concern and skepticism regarding these products.

“I can’t deal with one more client showing me a website with a stock photo of a man in a lab coat and then rejecting the nutrition plan I’ve put together for them. It feels like they’re all trying to beat some restrictive diet high score at this point,” said Hoffman. “I looked this all up, and I’m pretty sure this is just Munchausen’s syndrome. But usually, people go for something more sympathetic like cancer. I have a slightly harder time finding compassion for someone who gets bloated after eating an entire container of Trader Joe’s sesame sticks. I doubt that’s an allergic response.”

At press time, Starch was busy mailing letters for his other company, a dog DNA service that charges $200 to ship you a poster revealing your dog is 75% American Staffordshire Terrier.

Top 10 Indie Musicians I Could Almost Certainly Over Power in Hand to Hand Combat

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

It’s been said frequently that when it comes to toughness, indie is easily one of the most candy-assed of all music genres, behind only Nintendocore and whatever the hell genre Ween is. And as a by-the-book, average sized woman, 50th percentile in height, weight, and tenacity, I am certain that I could easily neutralize and embarrass the following 15 indie musicians.

Beck

I bet as soon as you saw this list you thought “definitely Beck” and yeah, besides being the world’s foremost self-proclaimed loser, the guy’s 100 pounds soaking wet (maybe 115 if you include his big hats). This guy is going down with a simple atomic wedgie. Maybe a swirly.

Sufjan Stevens

Name the place Mr. “Bailed on my 50 states project 2 states in” and then start preparing your body for the Thunderdome. As long as Sufjan doesn’t start playing Casmir Pulinski Day, I feel pretty confident about this; square up. Otherwise you’ll find me huddled in a ball crying on the floor. It’s my one weakness, DON’T EXPLOIT IT, OK?

J Mascis

I’d almost feel bad for this beatdown as I’m not sure Lil’ Joey here would be aware enough to realize when I make him wear his ass like a trucker hat. Mr. Mascis looks like a dude who is always ready to take a nap. I think this sleepy little dinosaur could be overpowered with a basic fish hook maneuver to the ground where he could comfortably rest. Feel the pain indeed.

Stephen Malkmus

Pavement has been a regular appearance on my mix of the month for the better part of 20 years, but let’s not get sentimental here. The Malk better harness his hopes of ever defeating me. Sure, Stephen might try to hit me with a fruit-covered little filly, or zip-top soiled hand grenade, but I’d counter with a docent’s lisp candelabra to easily knock his geeky little crooked rain straight.

All of Arcade Fire

Wowie there are a lot of members of this band. But what? All from the Suburbs of some heartfelt indie movie town? In Canada, no less? Puh-lease. It’s appropriate these chumps love singing about funerals because I’d curb stomp these earnest Canucks like a game of Dynasty Warriors. Win Butler, the next cringy second-line you orchestrate will be your own.

Joanna Newsom

Listen, you seem like a nice lady, Joanna, but let’s face the facts. I’d easily pile drive you into dust. You AND your jabroni husband Andy, with or without what I assume is your attack parrot. Sure, you probably got some spells you would use like the little magic-type Pokemon you are, but purely throwing hands you don’t have a prayer.

Mac Demarco

Hey Mac, thanks for ruining the used Japanese guitar market for us average folks. For that I’m knocking that chip right off your shoulder and you’re getting a solid noogie until you say uncle. TWICE.

Conor Oberst

Oh Conor. We were just kids when I first listened to you in the attic of my parent’s house. You will? You will… be going down, ya Bright Eyed little bitch. Prepare for the first and last day of your life, bucko.

Tim Kasher

How could I mention Conor Oberst without mentioning his overshadowed brother in arms at Saddle Creek. Tim, you clearly need to work on your emotional regulation and insecure attachment issues. In the meanwhile, prepare for a knuckle sandwich. Your new ugly organ is gonna be your face.

Absolutely Not Mitski

Definitely the exception to the rule, because holy shit, this goddess would kick the shit out of me. Thank you for your service and the content you provide, please don’t hurt me like you already have with your words.

Hologram Jefferson Davis Announced as MC for Pantera Reunion Shows

Posted on by Chris Bowen

AUSTIN, Texas — Pantera announced their upcoming reunion tour will feature a hologram version of Confederate president Jefferson Davis emceeing every show, sources who couldn’t be more excited confirmed.

“Critics are having a field day over us reuniting with only two original members,” said Pantera frontman Phil Anselmo while ashing his cigarette out on the hotel room carpet. “They’re also mad that we’re using a hologram of Jefferson Davis instead of one of our late beloved guitarist Dimebag Darrell or drummer Vinnie Paul, which would make more sense now that I think about it. But I believe having the JD hologram hyping up our audiences will not only satisfy our fans but will also distract everyone from that time I yelled ‘white power’ and flashed a Nazi salute at an event. That was totally taken out of context, just like this Confederate imagery will surely be too.”

Massive Pantera fan and Civil War enthusiast Rick Newman was elated by the news.

“People who bitch and complain about this reunion being a cash grab are just ungrateful posers. This might be the last time I get to beat the shit out of someone to ‘Walk’ and not get charged with a felony,” said Newman. “I hope to see Phil and Rex up there alongside the Davis hologram trashing the surrender at Appomattox or maybe even riling the crowd up with some classic Confederate wartime slogans. That would be killer!”

Highly sought-after hologram programmer Harold Sperger explained the recent demand for replica historical Confederate figures.

“The current climate in the U.S. seems to be conducive to the holographic Confederate arts,” said Sperger. “After Republicans caught wind of the Jefferson Davis hologram being used for the Pantera reunion, my DMs and phone blew up. I’ve got him booked solid though 2024! Some conservative super PACs are actually using it as a selling point to get people to show up to their lame-ass rallies. Even Fox News has been hounding me non-stop to use this hologram for their corporate-sponsored events. And it’s somehow working like a charm.”

At press time, a hologram version of General Sherman used at a nearby Rage Against the Machine show was seen attempting to set fire to Pantera’s Jefferson Davis hologram.

Help! The Seemingly Normal Co-worker I Started Talking To Just Invited Me to Their Church

Posted on by Dustin Newman

I’m a few weeks into a new job, still in that awkward stage where I’m getting a feel for everyone before I reveal my actual personality, start showing up late, and stop following the dress code. I recently overheard my coworker Tim mention he was watching the new Obi-Wan TV show. I struck up a conversation and it turned out we have a lot of common interests. I was just starting to think I made a new adult friend when out of nowhere Tim says “You seem like a cool guy, you should come to my church this Sunday!”

At first, I thought “Cool, he’s funny!” and laughed in earnest. He just kept staring at me, awaiting my reply. I gave another small laugh, added a little finger that I hoped conveyed “I admire your commitment to the bit” and he kept staring. I told him I needed to run to the bathroom, and I’ve been trying to avoid him ever since. I think that crazy son of a bitch was serious!

How the fuck did this happen? I didn’t know there were still Christians who worked at places with people. He seemed like a totally normal dude! He had clothes and hair and he understood pop culture references.

I was holding out a sliver of hope that he meant like one of those cool ayahuasca churches or something, but no. I asked around about Tim and every reply I got was some version of “Oh, he’s a super nice guy, just don’t talk to him about like anything.”

I’ve dodged Tim to the best of my ability, but it’s a small office and our paths still cross throughout the day. Every time they do he says “Hey, still on for Sunday?” and I pretend to be urgently engrossed with whatever is in my hand, be it my phone, a cup of coffee, or just now a stapler. I never said yes in the first place and he’s asking me if we’re still on. This must be some gaslight recruitment technique.

UPDATE: I told Tim I was Jewish, and it backfired. Dude is doubling down. Fuck.

Creeping Mortality: 60 Minutes Is Now Catering To My Interests

Posted on by Jose Balderas

Remember when your parents would watch 60 Minutes? You knew it was the end of the weekend. It symbolized the death of your free time as a kid because school was only 12 hours away but your parents were riveted by the reporting and would laugh uproariously at Mickey Rooney’s old-man rants awe at the wise words of Mike Wallace. You would just concentrate on your SEGA Game Gear and wonder why old people sucked so much. Well, guess what? 60 Minutes fucking rocks now.

A report on the effects of ‘deep fakes’ in the future? I’m in. A retrospective on the legacy of Seinfeld? Hell yeah. Watching how people coexist with Grizzly bears in Montana? Hold the fucking phone because I’m not available for the next 12 minutes.

Now I understand why my parents ignored me as a kid during 60 Minutes. It helps you appreciate your life because it reminds you how fragile and fleeting it is by captivating things that you didn’t even know you wanted to hear about.

Yes, I want to watch this interview with Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett that touches on Alzheimer’s because I love their music and I can’t help but wonder about my own demise that might have already begun and I don’t even know it yet.

Now I understand why my folks loved it back when I was a dumb kid with a narrow worldview who lacked a diverse perspective. But it also made me realize we’re so close to death’s door. It helped them feel close to things they loved that are dying and discover topics they never knew they cared about.

When did they start saying cool shit on 60 Minutes? Did Mike Wallace ever utter the words “groovy” or has Lesley Stahl ever classified anything as “Based”? Hell no. We’re running out of time and we need to learn more about Putin’s Regime. I now understand the purpose of 60 Minutes, to remind us that this could be our last hour on earth, so we might as well learn something fucking cool.

New Study Finds 15% of US Economy Just Subscriptions You Forgot to Cancel

Posted on by Matt McInerney

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A new study from Brown University concluded that roughly 15% of the entire U.S. economy is based on subscriptions you either forgot to cancel or had no idea you were paying for in the first place.

“Our study found that the majority of people in America don’t bother looking at any expense under $20 on their credit card statement,” said Monica Daugherty, the economist who headed up the study. “We surveyed thousands of people and conducted behavioral experiments to see how the average American interacts with a subscription service. We even ran tests using the least desirable services we could find, but that didn’t stop anyone. Honestly, it was a little unsettling. Nevertheless, participants were willing to enter their credit card information for one free month of whatever iHeartRadio Unlimited is.”

Dennis Frost, a local teacher who read the study, confirmed it had happened to him.

“I checked my account after learning about this, and it’s true. I’d been paying for tons of services I had no idea about. For example, I’d been paying $14.95 per month for an address lookup service I’d used one time seven years ago to look up an ex, uh, friend,” said Frost nervously. “And evidently I was paying $19.99 monthly for what turned out to be a dog food delivery subscription. I don’t even have a dog. Oh, and Peacock. I was heartbroken when ‘The Office’ left Netflix, but I guess I’ve had Peacock this whole time. Who knew?”

Levi Wolf, the CEO of a subscription-based company that delivers one new stamp to your doorstep annually for a monthly fee, was terrified to learn of this study’s existence.

“Wait, you’re telling me that people are starting to check their credit card bills? We’re doomed, doomed, I tell ya!” said Wolf as he tugged on his collar. “Our entire business model hinges on people being unaware that we’re extracting 0.5% of their monthly income. This is bad, real bad. I need to call our CFO right now. It might be time to hide the ‘cancel subscription’ button on our website.”

In response, the U.S. government announced plans for a subscription bailout program that would give $9.26 billion in taxpayer dollars to companies suffering from cancellations due to increased consumer scrutiny.

David Byrne Has “Performing in Just Giant Underwear” Nightmare Again

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

NEW YORK — Legendary Talking Heads frontman David Byrne awoke full of terror last night when he once again dreamed he was performing in only his trademark giant suit’s giant underwear, confirmed sources who are tired of hearing about the recurring nightmare.

“I’ve had the nightmare about once a week since we filmed ‘Stop Making Sense;” said Byrne while wiping the sweat from his brow. “I’m up there, in front of all those people and cameras, about to launch into ‘Girlfriend is Better’ as I always would. But then, I look down, and I’m totally nude…save for a pair of briefs that would fit loose on a hippopotamus. I look out in the crowd and everyone is pointing and laughing because this underwear really makes me look goofy, and nobody likes a goofy rockstar.”

Byrne’s former spouse artist Adelle Lutz confirms that the dream is profoundly bothersome to his mental state.

“Oh yes, see, he’d wake up bug-eyed, twitchy, yelping and wiggling, spouting off cryptic zen koans, strange lyrics, and these, just, aggressively odd ideas about the world around him,” said Lutz. “But then, on the mornings after he had the nightmare, he’d be an absolute wreck and could only talk about the most boring subjects like tax preparation and joining a bowling league. The mind can often be a prison, and David’s subconscious thoughts are an unforgiving warden.”

Celebrity dream analyst Maya Winskoff professed that a recurring fashion-based nightmare is not uncommon for musicians of Byrne’s distinguished tenure.

“In my research, I’ve found many cases of acclaimed new wave artists having their various stresses manifesting in nightmares about their clothing,” said Winskoff. “In addition to David’s underwear dream, Devo’s Mark Mothersbaugh often avoids sleep altogether because of his ever-present night terrors where he and the other Devo members show up to a party wearing the exact different outfits.”

“Music is not just an aural medium, these artists care deeply about how they’re being represented visually,” Winskoff added. “I mean, can you picture David Byrne in Kohl’s khakis? Talk about a nightmare.”

When asked why such a well-respected and influential musician would be so rattled at the prospect of performing in a giant pair of briefs, Byrne stated simply “Oh, because I usually wear giant boxer shorts.”

/**/

Man Determined to Protest Roe Decision for as Long as It Takes Pretty Woman at Bar to Overhear Him

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. — Self-proclaimed feminist ally Kale Weston remains commited to fighting against the Supreme Court’s recent decision to overturn Roe v. Wade for as long as it takes the attractive woman at the bar to notice him, confirmed annoyed sources inside the drinking establishment.

“I’ve been saying this for years; women’s rights are human rights! And I’ll stand by that until my dying day,” yelled Weston as he wrenched his neck to see if the redhead standing ten feet away heard him. “I don’t care how long I have to be out here fighting for justice but I promise to protest for as long as it takes every goddamn politician in this fucked up country to recognize that it’s their body and their choice.”

“More men need to stand up and actually fucking do something!” he continued to shout as he inched his way closer to the bar in hopes of getting her number.

Long-time bartender Rudy Gilbert witnessed the shameful incident.

“I knew something was up with that guy when he walked in wearing a pink pussy hat and an ‘I’m with Her’ shirt,” stated Gilbert. “He came in alone and just posted up near a large group of people then started one-sided conversations about women’s rights with anyone who made eye contact. I’m pretty sure he’s the same guy who used to come in dressed head to toe in BLM gear trying to trick women into believing he stood with that cause. But I think the only cause he cares about is getting laid.”

Professor of Women’s Studies at Fraser University Claudette Benning, warns women to be wary of random men who seem a bit too vocal about their bodily autonomy.

“It’s a dangerous time to be a woman so we need all the support we can get, but it’s also important to be aware that there are tons of fuckboys out there who’ll say anything to get into our pants,” explained Benning. “For every good guy out there, there’s another one leering over at us in the coffee shop expecting we’ll sleep with them because they’re reading ‘The Handmaid’s Tale.’ Our bullshit detectors need to be working overtime for the foreseeable future, so it’s vital to be alert and vigilant. That and keep your shit-kickers on just in case.”

At press time, Weston was seen tossing his pink hat into the trash after noticing the woman’s pro-life button, and was last spotted only a few inches from her reciting Isaiah 49:15.