Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Top 10 Excuses to Cancel Band Practice

Posted on August 27, 2022 by Harley Murgatroyd

So you’ve joined a band. With every new band comes the inevitable responsibilities, obligations, and time spent practicing. Regardless of the frequency of your meeting, there will always be days when you wanna bail out. Here are the top 10 excuses to cancel band practice.

Honestly We’re Pretty Solid and Don’t Need To.

Hey, you guys know the songs, right? Practice is for people who don’t know the songs so it wouldn’t make sense to waste anyone’s time getting together more frequently than needed. This band practice cancellation technique has been used for generations.

Bass Player Got Too High

We all know most bass players have to get super high to practice for whatever reason. They walk a gentle threshold between self-medicating and falling into a couch-locked coma. Best to call it before he snaps back to it and eats an entire box of expired little Debbie cakes in the band room.

I Don’t Feel Like It

Trust us, no one else does either. This is a highly accessible way to cancel band practice at any given time, but especially last minute. Go ahead, text the band. The group chat is probably playing chicken on who calls it first.

Meeting at Texas Roadhouse with Financial Advisement Team aka Mom and Dad

The longevity of the band relies heavily on angel investors, aka whoever has parents with fat pockets. Believe me, Tom DeLonge and Mark Hoppus put in plenty of hours in meetings at the Longhorn and Chili’s before Blink 182 found their success. Time to knock back a few appetizer sampler platters for the good of the band.

I Have Band Practice with My Other Band

Works every time. No one wants to be the weenie that suggests putting together a band calendar or something reasonable like setting aside a dedicated day each week to practice. This is rock n roll, baby. It’s especially effective if you’re the only drummer in your local scene.

Baby Ducks were Blocking the Road

Dang, not again! Unless you’re Tony Soprano, what do they expect you to do? It’s best you let nature take its course. Depending on the time of year, this could be a persistent band practice roadblock for months!

I Forgot it Was My Grandma’s Birthday

We’ve all been there. It’s time to hop on down to the Piccadilly’s cafeteria for your yearly Salisbury steak and onions with nan. She’ll be so excited to see you and hear all about your little band that you will hardly even mind the crippling abdominal cramps that come along with upscale cafeteria-style dining.

Guitarist Has Been Temporarily Blinded by a Broken High E String

This will happen to every string musician a minimum of six times in their life. It’s why most guitarists wear eye patches by the age of 50. Don’t believe us? What about the late Ray Sawyer of Dr. Hook & The Medicine Show? That eyeball was taken out by a low E.

Too Sober

Are you saying a bunch of grown people are going to share their vulnerabilities through artistic performance without knocking back a few brewsks? Yikes. Seems like it would be awkward and boring and definitely worth canceling. It’s not in your head, those leads absolutely rip when you’re a little buzzed.

TOO DRUNK

Like a too-high bass player, you gotta play these cards right or Joe’s spilling a beer on the half stack again and Amber is barfing in the kick drum. Get it together guys!

Thrash Metal Band Holds Intervention For Bassist Whose Sobriety Has Gotten Out of Control

Posted on August 26, 2022 by Chris Bowen

PITTSBURGH — Local thrash metal band Toxic Warning held an emergency intervention for bassist Nick Rodriguez whose sober lifestyle has reached its breaking point with his other band members, sources confirm.

“I love Nick like a brother, but the fact he’s always completely aware of his faculties is becoming detrimental to our band,” said frontman Ryan Youngs while cracking another PBR for his beer bong. “As a fun-loving, hard-partying thrash metal band, we have a reputation to uphold. We can’t have a bassist who’d rather drink a Shirley Temple and catch a movie on a Friday night than drink 25 beers and down $50 dollars worth of gas station food like the rest of us! I mean, I don’t even think I’ve seen him barf into a garbage can or anything like that, and that’s just unacceptable.”

Nick Rodriguez believes his bandmate’s concern with his sober lifestyle is overblown.

“I’m not exactly sure why all of a sudden it’s such a big deal that I’m sober to these guys. I mean, I was sober two years before I even joined the band,” said Rodriguez while consuming a room-temperature glass of water. “It’s really becoming annoying as hell to be honest. I’m sick of them trying to hide my root beer from me backstage or the seltzer I like to drink when I’m playing. They say it’s too embarrassing and they’ve actually told me it’s just plain sad and that I need to overcome my demons. I’m starting to fear they might do something drastic, like replace the powdered sugar I put on my french toast with cocaine.”

Dr. Ian Yueng used his 25 years of experience as a professional mediator to explain where the rest of Toxic Warning’s concerns may be coming from.

“Normally I would cheer on and advocate for someone who wants to get sober, but this time is an exception,” Dr. Yueng said as he took his lab coat off revealing a tattered Atrophy t-shirt. “I believe sobriety has zero place in thrash metal. In fact, most thrash bands completely tank when members stop getting tanked. This kick-ass local thrash band called Puke Sermon totally got lame as shit and started playing metalcore when they got sober. It was tragic to witness.”

At press time, members of local doom metal band Higher Than God were seeking counseling after their drummer casually mentioned he might want to cut back on smoking weed.

Just Because I’m a Miserable Control Freak Doesn’t Mean I Head up the HOA, but Yeah Your Mailbox Is in Violation of Rule #46

Posted on August 26, 2022 by Ben Friedman

Hey neighbor! Hope you don’t mind me popping by so late. Yes I’m aware it is two in the morning, but something has been bugging me since you moved here a few days ago. Umm, excuse me?! Look, just because I’m a “miserable control freak” as you say doesn’t mean I have any position of authority in the HOA or something. Incidentally though, you are in violation of Community Rule 46: “No mailbox shall be more than 3 feet and two inches off the ground.”

See, your mailbox is just slightly higher than the others on the cul-de-sac and it’s really throwing off the aesthetic we’re going for here. And before you shoot the messenger, I did not write this rule. I merely suggested it at the last community meeting. Think of the poor mail carrier who has to place your mail slightly higher than the rest of the mail boxes. If they tear their rotator cuff, that opens all of us up for a lawsuit.

I can tell by your cavalier attitude towards lawn care around your mail receptacle that you seem hellbent on bringing down the values of our homes. If you even bothered to read the HOA handbook when you moved in, you’d know that the third Tuesday is the day we mow our lawns in unison and that includes weed whacking.

I can overlook the fact that none of your flags include Old Glory and that you don’t have a cover for your trampoline, but with God as my witness, I will be out here every morning taping citations to your door until you fix this eyesore.

Listen, there’s no need to call the cops because I’ve already called them. You can kiss your community pool privileges goodbye because I’m the judge, jury, and executioner in this development. Why do you think the last guy who lived here moved out? No, it’s not because I’m a tyrannical busybody. It’s because I care.

“A Band Is Like a Marriage,” Says Recently Kicked Out Bassist Who Is Also Divorced

Posted on August 26, 2022 by Scott Murray

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local bassist Randy Jacobs is reportedly doling out expert advice on maintaining relationships despite being currently band-less and having just finished going through an acrimonious divorce, confirmed disinterested sources.

“I could write a book on all the ways being in a band is nearly identical to being married. It’s a sacred partnership with a single goal—which is usually being impeded by the other person’s lame ideas for album or child names,” said Jacobs, 36, who most recently lost his job playing bass with the band Pipefitter. “Division of labor is also important. Johnny, my old guitar player, always made sure we got paid before leaving the venue, and I always made sure we’d used all our drink tickets. You need that sort of balance.”

Those familiar with Jacobs’ wisdom report that he has long since been a walking encyclopedia of unwarranted advice and misery, quick to share it with any bright-eyed newby, or patient bartender.

“When I met Randy things really clicked. As soon as we got together we dropped all our side projects to focus exclusively on our indie-rock duo, The Vows,” said local drummer and vocalist Jenny Hammond. “It was great for a few years, but we went our separate ways eventually. I kept telling him you can’t string a girl along forever, eventually, she’s going to want to make an album! But it all came crashing down when he broke things off to write songs with a talentless waitress at the restaurant where he washed dishes.”

Local Ph.D. student Pierce Mathis believes there is a science to relationship building.

“I’ve read a lot of advice out there about how to build and maintain lasting bonds, but you have to be careful where you look,” said Mathis. “In my research, I discovered this Dunning-Kruger-like phenomenon where people who have the most to say are typically emotional children who really shouldn’t refer to themselves as ‘experts.’ Money is often the biggest problem in relationships, I’m currently not in a band because I’m broke as hell. I knew a Ph.D. would put me in the poorhouse, but I definitely didn’t account for my former vocalist ordering 300 misprinted t-shirts with my credit card.”

At press time, Jacobs was seen repeatedly touting his ability to buy beer to a group of teenage musicians without a bass player.

Every Oasis Album Ranked by How Many Fistfights the Gallagher Brothers Had While Recording Them

Posted on August 26, 2022 by Doug Kolic

No discussion of Britpop is complete without mentioning the brash Mancunian brothers of Oasis and the two things they were best known for: pop-rock anthems and kicking the shit out of each other. Here’s our ranking of every Oasis studio album by how many fistfights Noel and Liam Gallagher had while recording them, ya daft wankers!

7. Definitely Maybe (1994) – 5 Fights
Since this album was their debut, the Gallagher brothers were much more focused on honing their craft than fighting. Other than the crystal meth-fuelled incident at Whisky-A-Go-Go when Liam threw a tambourine at Noel’s head, their relationship was mostly amicable.

6. (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? (1995) – 9 Fights
This is the album that cemented Oasis as legends but, like their debut, they were still intent on recording songs rather than letting fights get in the way. The most brutal row occurred when Noel smashed Liam over the head with a cricket bat for claiming “Mad About You” was funnier than “Seinfeld.”

5. Be Here Now (1997) – 14 Fights
It’s common knowledge that Noel once ripped the unibrow off Liam’s face while in session, something which was covered in the 1998 MTV documentary “Celebrity Deathmatch.”

4. Standing on the Shoulder of Giants (2000) – 22 Fights
The biggest fight oc curred while recording “Little James,” a song Liam wrote for his pet turtle, Jameson. Noel didn’t think a song about a turtle would fly with their fans so after a weekend of punches, kicks, and elbows, they agreed to lie and say the song was actually about Liam’s son who was coincidentally also named James and was also little.

3. Heathen Chemistry (2002) – 36 Fights
Sources tell us Liam’s arrest in Germany for fighting the police was nothing compared to the brotherly smackdown that occurred in the studio after Liam urinated in Noel’s Corn Flakes, which was the inspiration for “Stop Crying Your Heart Out.”

2. Don’t Believe the Truth (2005) – 58 Fights
The band’s second to last album was so volatile that Noel and Liam were each fitted with shock collars. Their mutual hatred peaked in October of that year after they tore apart the studio while arguing over who got to be John Lennon for Halloween.

1. Dig Out Your Soul (2008) – 125 Fights
Noel quit the band in 2009 after Liam wielded his guitar like an axe at his head. But sources tell us the worst bloodbath occurred during recording when Liam thought they should cover Hanson’s “MMMBop” while Noel insisted he’d leave the “the biggest fucking band in the world” if it wasn’t Avril Lavigne’s “Sk8er Boi.”

The Mountain Goats Release Concept Album About Ken Burns Documentaries

Posted on August 25, 2022 by James Knapp

CLAREMONT, Calif. — Indie-folk mainstays The Mountain Goats recently released a daring new concept album that explores the dark and introspective complexity Ken Burns’ films, sources who commit a lot of time and energy to really weird, niche shit confirmed.

“Ken Burns is just one of those guys that you look at his work and think to yourself ‘that is exactly what I wanna be doing.’ I mean, thirteen hours about the National Park Service — that’s insane and I just love it,” said songwriter John Darnielle. “We’ve explored concepts from everything from wrestling to goth culture to… whatever ‘Heretic Pride’ was about. But this one is just another level. I’m not even sure what we’re gonna follow this record up with–although I did just learn that Ken has a brother who also makes documentaries, so maybe that’s something.”

Despite Darnielle’s enthusiasm, fans’ reactions were mixed about the new album.

“It was kinda cool, at times, I think. Though I couldn’t figure out what was up with that weird Civil War narration that was playing overtop of everything,” said longtime fan Patrick Jeffers. “I really wanted to like this one, but it was just too meta sometimes. I realize that all those guys are really smart dudes but holy shit, I did not ever need to know that much about Mark Twain’s sex life, let alone have it set to a reggae beat. That was just plain upsetting.”

Documentarian and Supercuts shareholder Ken Burns explained how his approach to filmmaking likely influenced the new album.

“When I get behind the camera, I’m not thinking about the audience’s preconceptions about the topic, because frankly, I don’t give a fuck about those dumb donkeys,” explained a surprisingly aggressive Ken Burns. “What? You thought ol’ Burnsy is some mellow jazz nerd, didn’t you? Well I’ll tell you what, I make documentaries that kick people in the teeth with knowledge. And if one ounce of that bled through into the Goats or whoever’s album, then you’re about to get your whole face rocked right the fuck off!”

At press time, Darnielle was seen feverishly researching Indiana tax code for inspiration.

Rad Man: This Guy Wore His Actual Domino’s Uniform to the Ska Show

Posted on August 25, 2022 by Johnny Sparkles

I’ve been to hundreds of ska shows in my life but what I just saw is probably the most epic thing I’ve ever witnessed. I watched this band called “The Skallywags” have one of the best sets I’ve seen in a while. But it wasn’t the band that I couldn’t take my eyes off. It was the dude who showed up wearing his Domino’s uniform!

I’ve seen The Aquabats at least 37 times. I’ve seen Skankin’ Pickle perform the song “Hulk Hogan” while dressed as Hulk Hogan. I saw a dude dressed up as a giant fish at a Reel Big Fish show. But this is next level.

Look, I’ve been in this ska game a long time. I’ve been spit on by Eddie of Voodoo Glow Skulls. One time Mike Park of Skankin’ Pickle almost broke my neck stage diving on me. One of the dudes from Less Than Jake gave me the “live long and prosper” sign, but again, none of these things compared to the dude wearing his actual uniform from Domino’s.

I was transfixed from the moment he skanked past me wearing that shirt. This wasn’t some knockoff or even a promotional item. It was the real deal. This guy fuckin’ worked there, man! That’s so sick. Even if he was The Noid I couldn’t avoid loving him.

No matter what happens, I’ll never forget that dude in that Domino’s uniform and the way they both skanked into my heart without warning. You could call him a trendsetter but I hope I never see another Domino’s uniform in the pit again. Some things should only be seen once.

So You Made a Deal with God and Got Him to Swap Our Places: Now What?

Posted on August 25, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

Wow! You actually did it, you absolute queen. After so much deliberation and preparation, you managed to do the impossible — you made a deal with God and got him to swap our places, you crazy son of a bitch. But you may find yourself thinking: “what’s next?”

Fortunately, we’re here to help you out. Here’s everything you need to know about how to move forward!

Step 1: Celebrate!

Seriously, you deserve it. It’s no small feat to strike a deal with the Big Man himself. And getting him to swap our places, of all things. Take a minute to really pat yourself on the back.

Step 2: Assess your surroundings

I would say I’m having a little party as well, but considering my place in this trade, supermax prison isn’t exactly the best place to do that. I’m in solitary right now, dude, and I’m starting to feel a little paranoid that maybe I got the short end of the stick here.

Step 3: Realize the extent of your crimes

I honestly had no idea you had fucked up this bad! I kind of assumed that this would be an equal deal, you know? Like God would at least give me something cool in exchange for giving up my spot in life. Instead I’m literally on death row. That’s fucked up of you twice over. You know, once for killing that guy and once for pinning it on me like this.

Step 4: Beg (Please God Help Me)

Actually, you know what? It’s fucked up of God, too. Isn’t he supposed to be benevolent or some shit? What did I do to deserve this?

Please. No seriously, please help. I’m manacled to the floor and getting really tired of eating mysterious food passed through a one-inch slot in the door.

Step 5: Acceptance

Well, I guess this is it for me. I’m doomed to live out how ever many days the state decides I have left in this hellhole. But in the meantime…

Step 6: Consider asking God for revenge

I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, right? Right?

Cop Jealous of How Many Teenagers School Shooter was Able to Take Down in Single Day

Posted on August 25, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

CEDARBURG, Wisc. — Local school safety officer Jacob Miller quietly admitted he was jealous of a gunman that opened fire on a classroom killing eight students and a teacher, confirmed sources close to the law enforcement official.

“I have a lot of free time during that day and yeah, sometimes I fantasize about putting on my tactical belt, throwing on a slick looking cloak, and just lighting up these little assholes,” said Officer Miller while stringing police tape around the crime scene. “These kids are so mean, they’re sort of asking for it. They walk by me and snort like a pig, and a group of the popular girls call me ‘fatty boombalatty.’ The student that did the shooting was a kid I used to mentor; I thought he would have had a great career in law enforcement if he didn’t blow his own brains out after reading a few pages from his manifesto over the school intercom.”

Members of the community were outraged to learn the police officer assigned to protect the school did nothing to stop the shooting.

“There is video footage of that piece of shit cop seeing the gunman entering the school and turning and walking in the other direction,” said local parent Maria Schultz. “Security cameras show Officer Miller ducking into the teacher’s lounge, locking the door, then breaking the glass on the vending machine and eating three Snickers bars faster than a hungry dog with a bone. It makes me sick to think that this was the man that was supposed to keep our kids safe.”

Despite being subjected to several mass murders each month, lawmakers are not expected to make any substantial gun control laws.

“You would think that America would finally wise up and do something to limit who has access to guns, but what actually happens is the gun lobby spins the narrative to say ‘we need more guns, guns everywhere will keep people safe,’” said gun control activist Tara Moyd. “These people are truly deranged and have lost the ability to reason. If your house was on fire they wouldn’t suggest calling the fire department, they would say ‘go spray the rooms that aren’t on fire yet with gasoline, the fire will be distracted by the smell.’”

Following the latest shooting board members at the NRA celebrated another record-breaking month for donations.

Hospitals Overloaded With Injured 40-Year-Old Men Following Release of New Botch Song

Posted on August 24, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

TACOMA, Wash. — Doctors and nurses across the country were forced to set up triage stations to help treat middle-aged men with soft tissue injuries thanks to the new Botch single “One Twenty Two,” multiple sources needing ice packs confirmed.

“We haven’t seen anything like this since Cave In started playing their old songs live again,” said Dr. Alice Winston. “Within an hour of the song’s release, I treated over a dozen men for strained hamstrings, rolled ankles, and what many described as ‘some sort of pinched nerve’ in their neck. It’s just been ramping up all day long as more and more old dudes hear the single. Eventually our waiting room was full with these guys listening to the song together, talking about how many times they saw Botch live, and eventually making their injuries worse when they tried to show off some mosh moves.”

Daryl Tucker, one of the many men seeking treatment, believes the band is to blame.

“Botch should know better than to surprise their fans like this. If I had known a new song was dropping I would have visited my chiropractor, seen a massage specialist, and done some light stretching,” said Tucker while lying on the floor trying not to move. “This wouldn’t have been as much of an issue if the song sucked, but unfortunately, it rips, and we are all paying the price. My only saving grace is that I work at a motorcycle repair shop and all my coworkers including my boss also love Botch and ended up hurting themselves too. So we are closed until Monday at least.”

Physical therapist Anya Selle says this should serve as a warning for all hardcore kids approaching middle age.

“When Have Heart played those reunion shows a few years back, my website crashed from the amount of people needing help,” said Selle. “People have to understand that as we age our bones become more brittle, muscles are not as elastic, and fatigue sets in almost immediately. If you haven’t listened to the new Botch song yet, I recommend you do at least two weeks of cardio and some yoga, then maybe you will remain healthy. But take it slow.”

At press time, aging fans reported being mysteriously kicked off their health care plans as rumors of a full Botch reunion began to swirl.