CEDARBURG, Wisc. — Local school safety officer Jacob Miller quietly admitted he was jealous of a gunman that opened fire on a classroom killing eight students and a teacher, confirmed sources close to the law enforcement official.
“I have a lot of free time during that day and yeah, sometimes I fantasize about putting on my tactical belt, throwing on a slick looking cloak, and just lighting up these little assholes,” said Officer Miller while stringing police tape around the crime scene. “These kids are so mean, they’re sort of asking for it. They walk by me and snort like a pig, and a group of the popular girls call me ‘fatty boombalatty.’ The student that did the shooting was a kid I used to mentor; I thought he would have had a great career in law enforcement if he didn’t blow his own brains out after reading a few pages from his manifesto over the school intercom.”
Members of the community were outraged to learn the police officer assigned to protect the school did nothing to stop the shooting.
“There is video footage of that piece of shit cop seeing the gunman entering the school and turning and walking in the other direction,” said local parent Maria Schultz. “Security cameras show Officer Miller ducking into the teacher’s lounge, locking the door, then breaking the glass on the vending machine and eating three Snickers bars faster than a hungry dog with a bone. It makes me sick to think that this was the man that was supposed to keep our kids safe.”
Despite being subjected to several mass murders each month, lawmakers are not expected to make any substantial gun control laws.
“You would think that America would finally wise up and do something to limit who has access to guns, but what actually happens is the gun lobby spins the narrative to say ‘we need more guns, guns everywhere will keep people safe,’” said gun control activist Tara Moyd. “These people are truly deranged and have lost the ability to reason. If your house was on fire they wouldn’t suggest calling the fire department, they would say ‘go spray the rooms that aren’t on fire yet with gasoline, the fire will be distracted by the smell.’”
Following the latest shooting board members at the NRA celebrated another record-breaking month for donations.