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Just Because I’m a Miserable Control Freak Doesn’t Mean I Head up the HOA, but Yeah Your Mailbox Is in Violation of Rule #46

Hey neighbor! Hope you don’t mind me popping by so late. Yes I’m aware it is two in the morning, but something has been bugging me since you moved here a few days ago. Umm, excuse me?! Look, just because I’m a “miserable control freak” as you say doesn’t mean I have any position of authority in the HOA or something. Incidentally though, you are in violation of Community Rule 46: “No mailbox shall be more than 3 feet and two inches off the ground.”

See, your mailbox is just slightly higher than the others on the cul-de-sac and it’s really throwing off the aesthetic we’re going for here. And before you shoot the messenger, I did not write this rule. I merely suggested it at the last community meeting. Think of the poor mail carrier who has to place your mail slightly higher than the rest of the mail boxes. If they tear their rotator cuff, that opens all of us up for a lawsuit.

I can tell by your cavalier attitude towards lawn care around your mail receptacle that you seem hellbent on bringing down the values of our homes. If you even bothered to read the HOA handbook when you moved in, you’d know that the third Tuesday is the day we mow our lawns in unison and that includes weed whacking.

I can overlook the fact that none of your flags include Old Glory and that you don’t have a cover for your trampoline, but with God as my witness, I will be out here every morning taping citations to your door until you fix this eyesore.

Listen, there’s no need to call the cops because I’ve already called them. You can kiss your community pool privileges goodbye because I’m the judge, jury, and executioner in this development. Why do you think the last guy who lived here moved out? No, it’s not because I’m a tyrannical busybody. It’s because I care.