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Thrash Metal Band Holds Intervention For Bassist Whose Sobriety Has Gotten Out of Control

PITTSBURGH — Local thrash metal band Toxic Warning held an emergency intervention for bassist Nick Rodriguez whose sober lifestyle has reached its breaking point with his other band members, sources confirm.

“I love Nick like a brother, but the fact he’s always completely aware of his faculties is becoming detrimental to our band,” said frontman Ryan Youngs while cracking another PBR for his beer bong. “As a fun-loving, hard-partying thrash metal band, we have a reputation to uphold. We can’t have a bassist who’d rather drink a Shirley Temple and catch a movie on a Friday night than drink 25 beers and down $50 dollars worth of gas station food like the rest of us! I mean, I don’t even think I’ve seen him barf into a garbage can or anything like that, and that’s just unacceptable.”

Nick Rodriguez believes his bandmate’s concern with his sober lifestyle is overblown.

“I’m not exactly sure why all of a sudden it’s such a big deal that I’m sober to these guys. I mean, I was sober two years before I even joined the band,” said Rodriguez while consuming a room-temperature glass of water. “It’s really becoming annoying as hell to be honest. I’m sick of them trying to hide my root beer from me backstage or the seltzer I like to drink when I’m playing. They say it’s too embarrassing and they’ve actually told me it’s just plain sad and that I need to overcome my demons. I’m starting to fear they might do something drastic, like replace the powdered sugar I put on my french toast with cocaine.”

Dr. Ian Yueng used his 25 years of experience as a professional mediator to explain where the rest of Toxic Warning’s concerns may be coming from.

“Normally I would cheer on and advocate for someone who wants to get sober, but this time is an exception,” Dr. Yueng said as he took his lab coat off revealing a tattered Atrophy t-shirt. “I believe sobriety has zero place in thrash metal. In fact, most thrash bands completely tank when members stop getting tanked. This kick-ass local thrash band called Puke Sermon totally got lame as shit and started playing metalcore when they got sober. It was tragic to witness.”

At press time, members of local doom metal band Higher Than God were seeking counseling after their drummer casually mentioned he might want to cut back on smoking weed.