Wow! You actually did it, you absolute queen. After so much deliberation and preparation, you managed to do the impossible — you made a deal with God and got him to swap our places, you crazy son of a bitch. But you may find yourself thinking: “what’s next?”
Fortunately, we’re here to help you out. Here’s everything you need to know about how to move forward!
Step 1: Celebrate!
Seriously, you deserve it. It’s no small feat to strike a deal with the Big Man himself. And getting him to swap our places, of all things. Take a minute to really pat yourself on the back.
Step 2: Assess your surroundings
I would say I’m having a little party as well, but considering my place in this trade, supermax prison isn’t exactly the best place to do that. I’m in solitary right now, dude, and I’m starting to feel a little paranoid that maybe I got the short end of the stick here.
Step 3: Realize the extent of your crimes
I honestly had no idea you had fucked up this bad! I kind of assumed that this would be an equal deal, you know? Like God would at least give me something cool in exchange for giving up my spot in life. Instead I’m literally on death row. That’s fucked up of you twice over. You know, once for killing that guy and once for pinning it on me like this.
Step 4: Beg (Please God Help Me)
Actually, you know what? It’s fucked up of God, too. Isn’t he supposed to be benevolent or some shit? What did I do to deserve this?
Please. No seriously, please help. I’m manacled to the floor and getting really tired of eating mysterious food passed through a one-inch slot in the door.
Step 5: Acceptance
Well, I guess this is it for me. I’m doomed to live out how ever many days the state decides I have left in this hellhole. But in the meantime…
Step 6: Consider asking God for revenge
I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, right? Right?