Punk Celebrates 20 Years of Complaining About AFI Selling Out

Posted on March 13, 2023 by Zach Hudson

MILWAUKEE — Local punk Max Prime is celebrating his 20th year of incessant complaining about his former favorite band AFI signing to a major label and becoming “unforgivable sellouts,” sources who cannot believe he’s still doing this shit confirm.

“Man, it’s hard to believe ‘Sing The Sorrow’ is already 20 years old. I still remember hearing it for the first time and immediately knowing AFI was finished,” said Prime, shaking his head grimly. “I knew I had to make it my mission to tell everyone how I knew about them before they were huge, and how I’ll never listen to any of their new stuff. Normally I can only find things to complain about regarding an artist for like five, maybe ten years, so this is a really big deal for me. My buddies have mostly stopped bringing up AFI around me, but I’m sure they have something planned for this milestone.”

Prime’s housemate Brad White does not have any plans to help him celebrate and wish he’d shut the fuck up about it already.

“No, we definitely don’t have anything planned. In fact I booked an AirBnB just so I could get away for a few days while Max rants to no one,” said White. “I like ‘Sing the Sorrow,’ and I like everything AFI has put out since. Well, except for ‘Crash Love.’ I don’t really care for ‘Bodies’ either actually, but that’s not the point. Bands evolve, it’s normal, and they still make an effort to play some deep cuts at every gig. If Max wants to just mope around listening to ‘Very Proud Of Ya’ for the rest of his life, that’s his problem.”

Members of AFI report a deep desire for fans to move on.

“Yeah, I know who Max is. He DMs me all the time complaining about our sound and how I used to be his idol and I betrayed him,” said frontman Davey Havock while braiding his mullet. “I’ve had him muted for years, but every now and then I check in and see if he’s moved on, and no, he has not. We’re all used to this now though. Just once I want to play a show without some crusty punk yelling at us to play some old stuff. And then when we do play the old stuff, they still just stand there with their arms crossed. Fucking annoying.”

At press time, Prime offered unprompted to give an extended interview breaking down every reason why “Sing The Sorrow” “sucks.”

I Gave John Lennon the Finger Guns the Day He Died and I’ve Felt Guilty Ever Since

Posted on March 13, 2023 by Doug Kolic

I have a confession. It’s been eating away at me for decades. On December 8th, 1980 when I waited outside of the Dakota Apartments hoping for a glimpse of my idol. Though I wasn’t able to meet him, I was able to briefly make eye contact and fire off a couple of cool finger guns at him. Later that night, I’d learn that my idol, John Lennon, had died of gunshot wounds.

They say to never meet your heroes. I never knew this is what they were warning me about.

I’ve thought about that day often. The day my harmless gesture ended in tragedy. I keep thinking of what I could have done differently. Maybe I should have tipped an imaginary hat. No! Regret fixes nothing. I must simply confess to what I’ve done and move on one day at a time.

I never told anyone about that day until now. One minute I was having a personal interaction with Mr. Ono himself, and the next I was watching football and having to learn about his demise. For a split second I thought I had magical finger-bullet-shooting powers and that was bittersweet, but when I realized it was a coincidence, I only felt bitter.

It feels so good to finally get all of this out. Obviously, I didn’t cause the death of my hero. But confessing to my symbolic part in his murder is cathartic nonetheless. Someday I’ll work up the courage to talk about the time I gave the throat-cutting gesture to a waiter on June 12th, 1994 at the Mezzaluna restaurant in Brentwood, California after he refused to give me a free refill.

Record Collector Fooled by Big Crate of Laserdiscs Again

Posted on March 13, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

VALPARAISO, Ind. — Voracious record collector Anson Tugliss once again mistook a large box of Laserdiscs at an outdoor market for LPs before it was too late, sources at the flea market confirmed.

“Damn it to hell, this always happens. I get too excited about seeing soundtracks for movies I never knew had vinyl releases. I was flipping through, all pumped and stuff…’Cabin Boy,’ ‘Mars Attacks!’ ‘George of the Jungle,’ stuff like that, y’know?” said Tugliss, while angrily cracking a rare disc of “Spice World” over his knee. “And then I pay the guy a huge wad of cash right before I realize, yet again, they’re of course Laserdiscs. Then all the guy can do is tap the ‘All Sales Final’ sign, before he taps the ‘We Don’t Sell Laserdisc Players’ sign. That guy’s got a sign for everything…”

Vendors at the Valparaiso Flea report initial confusion over the enthusiasm shown for the clearly worthless form of media.

“He’s got no case, he shouldn’t have been so inattentive. I wasn’t about to correct him, though. It’s tough to get rid of those things, especially these days. Everything he bought’s streaming free on Tubi as we speak,” said flea market vendor Harv Laemmle. “Next time I’ll try to trick him into taking some Betamax tapes too, and say that they’re regular cassettes and he’s just standing really close and his perspective’s off. I guarantee ya I could make that sale, the boy’s just that dim.”

Laserdisc CEO Ralph Rowlhutt stated he’s just glad to have the short-lived video format back in the public eye.

“Honestly, god bless that vendor for single-handedly keeping the Laserdisc economy flowing. Any day that Anson kid mistakenly buys a milk crate of my unwanted stock is another day that stock doesn’t end up in a secret landfill like all those ‘E.T.’ Atari games,” said Rowlhutt, from his tiny office. “I thank my lucky stars every day I decided to make Laserdiscs circular, and easily mistaken for records. I shudder at the thought of that coin landing the other way, and we had made them square. Scary to think about, sometimes that thought invades my nightmares and I don’t sleep for days.”

When contacted for a final statement, Tugliss stated he’s been playing the Laserdiscs on his turntable anyway, and even started to enjoy the resulting horrible screeching noises.

5 Times Taking Life Advice From a Beach Boys Song Led to Me Waking up in a Drained Swimming Pool

Posted on March 13, 2023 by Nathan Kamal

Fun, fun, fun, ‘til daddy takes the T-Bird away! Also, Beach Boys songs are fun until you stop listening to them as background music at Johnny Rockets and view them as a viable source of life guidance.

While it is often said that the music of the 1960s is the poetry of a generation, it turns out that listening to the Beach Boys just leads to waking up fully clothed at the bottom of a drained swimming pool more often than you’d care to remember.

“You know she digs you and thinks you’re a real groovy guy/ But yet I’m not sure that I feel the same” – Don’t Hurt My Little Sister: Word to the wise, walking up to a guy who went out with your sister a couple of times in high school and drunkenly ordering him to prove he’s a real groovy guy has consequences, the biggest of which is he and his friends chasing you out of the bar, across a highway, and into the abandoned Wet City Water Park, where you trip into the dried out wave pool and wake up hours later.

“If you brought a big brown bag of them home/ I’d jump up and down and hope you’d toss me a carrot” – Vegetables: If you get excited when your community-supported agriculture box arrives and demand the farmer throws you a carrot but he actually has a hell of an arm and you have to go long and end up back at Wet City and then wake up with a seagull poking you, it’s time to stop taking Brian Wilson at face value.

“Gotta keep those lovin’ good vibrations a-happenin’ with her” – Good Vibrations: Good vibes at a party are all well and good, but deciding to maintain them by spontaneously jumping into a pool at a backyard party only works if you’ve checked if it has currently been emptied for retiling.

“Never had a lesson I ever learned” – Never Learn Not To Love: Technically, this is a Dennis Wilson solo track, but turns out that doing anything like the hardest-partying member of the Beach Boys is a lesson that ends up with you fucking trashed at the bottom of a kiddie pool and 911 being called.

“The Southern girls with the way they talk/ They knock me out when I’m down there” – California Girls: I don’t really want to get into this too much, but this girl from Alabama takes some things as a personal challenge and then you wake up missing teeth, somehow at Wet City once again.

Despite leaving me near dead at the bottom of a pool, ussually for hours at a time, at least none of these songs are “Kokomo.” Fuck “Kokomo.”

Mia Goth Placed Slightly Offstage at Oscars to Scream at Award Winners Who Go Over Time

Posted on March 12, 2023 by Dustin Newman

LOS ANGELES — The 95th Academy Awards is expected to feature intimidating English actress Mia Goth slightly offstage and ready to scream at any winners that go over their time, petrified sources confirmed.

“Long-winded or preachy acceptance speeches have always been a problem for the Oscars. Slowly turning up the music on the winners wasn’t cutting the mustard. But after seeing ‘Pearl’ a few months back, I got the brilliant idea of letting Mia Goth linger menacingly out of frame to enforce our strict speech policy,” explained award show producer Zoe Carillo. “It’s a win-win for us because it’ll keep the show under time, and also I’m terrified of Mia. So I’m hoping this gig will ease the pain of us not nominating her. I mean, she’s married to Shia Lebouf, so she’s gotta be at least partially insane, right?”

Goth elaborated on her “creative journey” while preparing for the upcoming show.

“Just like with acting, there’s a process to terrifying celebrities into peeing their tuxes and fleeing the Dolby Theatre in terror. You can’t go right to screaming ‘what are you doing you little baby?’ at Ke Huy Quan,” said Goth. “You’ve got to first give him a couple of eyebrow-less glares, followed by a few whispered threats, and then some distracting scarecrow humping in front of the podium. I’ve also been granted carte blanche to stick Judd Hirsch in the chest with a pitchfork if he goes off about Tibet or the rainforest or anything like that.”

While unusual, Hollywood insider Wyatt Robinson claimed similar tactics are being considered for other major award shows.

“After last year’s brouhaha at the Oscars, everyone is exploring new and exciting ways to keep celebrities in line like the trained circus animals they are,” said Robinson. “Word has it that the Emmys are considering fitting every nominee with a shock collar and then giving the remote to Brian Cox so he can shock anyone at his discretion. And the Grammys has arranged a deal with the California Penal System to let Suge Knight out of prison for the evening.”

In a related story, The Academy announced that James Cameron will be waiting in the lobby to beat the shit out of anyone that gets up to use the bathroom during the event.

Precocious 11-Year-Old Taylor Swift Fan Already Doxxing Critics at High School Level

Posted on March 12, 2023 by Nathan Kamal

EVANSTON, Ill. – Local eleven-year-old and fanatical Taylor Swift fan Sophia Ellis is wowing the Swiftie community with her advanced online harassing, particularly in her ruthless doxxing of music reviewers who dare to state even the mildest of criticism toward Ms. Swift.

“Tay Tay means everything to me,” said Ellis during her free period between Biology and Home Room. “Some people call me a prodigy, but all I know is that when I get online and start SWAT-ing anyone who says the spoken-word bridge of ‘Me!’ was anything less than genius, it just feels natural. It’s not that I don’t put in the hard work to drive anti-Taylor critics to suicide, because I do. But I know that this is what I was meant to do and I want to do it the best.”

Freelance music critic Tory Gill can attest to Ellis’ skill as a ruthless defender of Taylor Swift’s music output, personal life, and sense of style.

“My life is pure hell,” said Gill, glumly reading his 17th email accusing him of being a pedophile. “All I did was write a review of ‘Reputation’ in which I commented that the track title ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ uncomfortably echoes the language of domestic abusers. Ever since then, this sixth-grader has been torturing me in ways Abu Ghraib interrogators would never dream of. Have you seen your name written on a Trapper Keeper and marked for death, just under Jake Gyllenhaal? I have. She’s like the Mozart of destroying people’s lives. Releasing their Social Security Number to Russian identity thieves, calling their mother to say they’re dead in a car accident, the works. Sophia, if you’re reading this, please, no more.”

Global pop star Taylor Swift has words of caution for her young, vengeful fans.

“I would never support online harassment and cyberbullying,” Swift said from her private jet. “But Sophia, I know that you are one of my true fans, and all should fear you. Mark my words, critics, I have millions of tiny, intensely focused followers like Sophia out there, and at my command, I will unleash torments that will make you wish that all existence would end. Only then will your suffering be over. ‘Midnights’ is currently on sale at all retailers and available on all major streaming services!”

As of press time, Sophia’s eyes had turned complete, unblinking black upon finding a Reddit comment that implied Swift’s guitar work was rudimentary at best.

Anti-Government Conservative Adds 75th Thin Blue Line Sticker to Truck

Posted on March 12, 2023 by The Hard Times Staff

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Self-proclaimed freethinker Terry Schuse added a 75th thin blue line sticker to his prized truck despite constantly ranting about government tyranny, confirmed multiple sources who learned just to ignore him.

“Fact of the matter is the boys in blue are the only thing keeping this country from going to complete shit. The police would operate so much better without politicians writing all these bullshit laws and regulations,” said Schuse. “Cops should be able to work off of their gut instinct. If they don’t like how a fella looks at them then I think they should be able to put the boots to the guy. Show them who is boss around here. I make sure I salute every police officer I see, and I spit at all the jack-booted thugs in the government who keep trying to limit my god-given rights as an American citizen.”

Local police officer Sandra Gomez says she sees a lot of support from people who drive tricked-out pickup trucks.

“I got into law enforcement to be a positive change, but everything is so political now. When I see these guys wearing Punisher tank tops and modified American flags I sort of cringe,” said Officer Gomez. “They have all these plans to tear down the government and start over, but I don’t have the heart to tell them I’m actually a government employee. It would blow their minds if they found that out. They all think government is some abstract idea specifically designed to make their lives miserable. But it is nice when they buy me a coffee in the morning.”

Distributors of pro-police merchandise say business has never been better.

“I always vote Democrat because whenever there is some ‘radical leftist’ in the White House my business booms,” said Darrin Landers, owner and operator of Patriot USA Merch. “Whenever I need a little bump in business I’ll go on Facebook and share an article from 2021 about defunding the police and I watch the orders come rolling in. The weird thing is those same people will buy the ‘Kill Your Local Politician’ and ‘Trump for Dictator’ shirts I made on a dare. I don’t know if any of these people have the ability to connect the two ideologies.”

At press time, Schuse was in a catatonic state of ecstasy after stumbling across a giant thin blue line version of the Confederate flag.

Oscars Attempt to Engage Younger Audience by Giving Lifetime Achievement Award to Timothée Chalamet

Posted on March 12, 2023 by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced that 27-year-old Timothée Chalamet will be honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award at this year’s Oscars ceremony in an effort to engage the Gen Z audience, confirmed sources who thought it was about time that happened.

“It was an extremely close call between Timothée, Zendaya, and 20-year-old Jenna Ortega,” said Bill Kramer, CEO of the Academy. “We did a recent tally of the last few dozen winners of this award, and we were absolutely shocked to find out that none of them were under the age of 65. Seems unfair to exclude eligibility based on age. If anything, we need to give Pete Davidson this award for a few consecutive years to balance things out. Plus, we’re hoping we can finally nab that precious early 20s target demographic that we’ve been hearing so much about. One could say the ceremony really did a ‘glow up’ this year and we’re ‘simping’ for Cham Cham. I think I said that right.”

Local Gen Zer Madison Weinberg couldn’t be more excited about the announcement.

“As someone who’s seen almost all of Timothée’s appearances on websites that talk about his dating history, I’m very proud of him,” said Weinberg without so much as breaking eye contact with TikTok. “After all, it’s a ‘lifetime’ achievement award. Why give it to someone who’s over the age of 30? That’s when life literally ends. Either way, I’m still not going to be watching the Oscars. Mostly because I haven’t even heard of a large percentage of these people that were nominated. Like, who the hell is Steven Spielberg?”

Chalamet appeared somewhat surprised by the decision.

“Seems like only a few years ago I did my first movie in 2014,” said the “Dune” actor who’s coincidentally also been nominated for “most pinchable cheeks” by grandmothers around the country. “You know, when I was young, everyone around me said I had a certain ‘it’ factor. Only they called it a ‘nepo’ factor. I don’t know what that means, but I guess I can chalk up this entire achievement to whatever that is. Thanks, nepo!”

At press time, the Academy further turned heads after announcing that 24-year-old YouTube star MrBeast will be nominated for several awards, including Best Documentary (Short Subject) and a new category called Best Vibes.

Death Put On Administrative Leave After Failing to Kill Mitch McConnell

Posted on March 11, 2023 by Ben Friedman

PURGATORY — The afterlife faced a major shake-up after the Angel of Death was placed on administrative leave for his failure to kill GOP Senator Mitch McConnell, sources confirm.

“We’d been building a case against McConnell for decades, and this was my one opportunity to put him away for good. I mean, he’s 81 years old and already sort of looks like he’s decomposing. I thought a fall from any height would kill him. This is what I get for not going by the book and just indiscriminately reaping his soul right there on the spot,” said Death. “Now I have God and Satan on my ass for not bringing him in, and as bosses go they’re pretty vindictive. I’ve had a good track record, so I’m hoping to go back to work soon and they don’t reassign me to the Pets Department. It’s morbidly soul crushing, even for me.”

Senate Minority Leader McConnel, still recovering from his fall, reminisced on the numerous instances he nearly escaped Death and its brethren.

“The boys in black have been trying to pinch me for years now, but one thing they forget is that us Kentucky boys are slippery. The one thing Santa Muerte, Yama, multiple Scottish Banshees all have in common is that they all came at the king and missed. When you are surviving on pure spite and hatred, you’re practically untouchable,” said McConnell while grinning maniacally. “Still, I can’t blame Death for trying to do his job. Maybe he should spend his time off thinking about how letting me repeal Obamacare will make his job a lot easier, and he won’t bite the hand that fucking feeds him.”

The afterlife’s top brass are still fuming after Death’s public blunder and scrambling to save face.

“We spent countless hours on this operation and Grim pissed it all away in two seconds. All he needed to do was push Mitch down the hotel stairs, crack his head open, and he’s off to eternal torment. But no, he just trips and falls with a goddam concussion. What’s the point of issuing him a scythe if he’s not going to use it?” said Archangel Ananiel. “We had to bench Death for optics, even after his amazing work these last three years with the pandemic. But we can’t have civilization out here thinking we’re a bunch of limp-wristed psychopomps here to gently ferry souls to the afterworld. This is the big leagues, where we rend souls swiftly and severely.”

As of press time, Death was informed he would be let back on the force on the condition that he could finally bring in Henry Kissinger.

The Weekly Scene Report: March 11

Posted on March 11, 2023 by The Hard Times Staff

So you made it through another week, but have you made it through the most important news stories from the last seven days? If not, now’s your one and only chance.