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Man Appreciates A24 Horror Films for Including Long Pauses Where He Can Explain Plot to His Date

LOS ANGELES — Local cinephile Lucas Glazier praised the slow pacing of A24 horror films for giving him the opportunity to explain important plot details, homages, and easter eggs his date “likely” missed, sources terrified for all the wrong reasons confirmed.

“Long pauses are actually a brilliant way for filmmakers to build tension throughout their films while giving true horror fans space to point out details to casual, plebeian viewers,” Glazier explained while hogging a popcorn bowl. “In an age where fast-paced films squeeze in two kills before I finish my spiel about the opening scene was actually a subtle nod to Hammer horror, it’s refreshing how A24’s films take their sweet time getting to the action. Thank god Ari Aster sticks so many lingering shots of naked old men in his films, forcing my dates to look away from the screen and into my eyes while I wax poetic about his directing.”

Hailey Welch, who met Glazier on Letterboxd, described her date with him as “elevated.”

“Turns out ‘Hereditary’ is an absolutely harrowing date movie,” Welch said while giving the film a four-star review. “Every time the pace slowed down, I wasn’t sure whether to cover my eyes because of the nude cultists or cover my ears before Lucas pointed out all the nude dick and balls represented Toni Colette’s grief. But I have to admit that his commentary was pretty insightful at some points. Hearing him explain how the makeup designer used prosthetics and a fake head for the telephone pole decapitation scene made me less grossed out by all the close-up gore. Unfortunately, I still felt kind of queasy because he was leaning in really close and clearly hadn’t thought to take a mint before the movie.”

Director Ari Aster admitted the long pauses in his films were intentional.

“Cinema is meant to start conversations and inspire viewers to ask questions, usually questions of how many people get decapitated in my films or whether I have a good therapist,” Aster said after a long silence. “Also, the higher-ups at A24 are always asking me to make scenes as slow as possible so there’s more room for commentary on the DVD bonus features. How else am I supposed to get through all the Paimon lore without alienating my audience?”

At press time, Glazier was seen frantically putting a “Hereditary ending explained” article through a thesaurus in order to sound smarter while explaining it to his next hookup.