DURHAM, N.C. — Local stoner metal aficionado Ennis Woltham is reportedly perplexing those around him by constantly using “Dopesmoker Listens” as a new time measurement standard, sources confirmed while rolling their eyes.
“Dude, it’s a perfectly acceptable unit of time. If you’re running late, you just let the person know ‘I’ll be there in three listens of Dopsmoker.’ Or, say you’re a cinephile, well then you can complain that ‘back in my day, a movie got its point across in a Dopesmoker listen and a half.’ See what I mean?” said Woltham, without a trace of irony. “People act like I’m out of my mind, but I can see it catching on within the week…336 Dopesmoker listens, tops, even.”
Acquaintances of Woltham were reportedly puzzled across the board, citing the lack of specificity and context.
“The problem with it, besides the utter uselessness of the whole thing, is that he doesn’t specify whether he means just the span of the Sleep song or the entire album…and if it’s the album, what pressing?” said Woltham’s coworker Warren Zarves. “It might not seem like much of a difference, but those 10 or so extra minutes can, and do, make a difference. Especially in Ennis’ and my jobs as EMT ambulance drivers. Between you and me, he’s caused a lot of extra bleeding across town.”
Sleep bassist and singer Al Cisneros is reportedly wholeheartedly in favor of his fan’s quest.
“Confusing or not, it’s a great branding opportunity for us. Glad to know an album we put out 20 years—I’m sorry let me do the math, here…175,200 Dopesmoker listens ago can still be in the public eye,” said Cisneros. “I fully endorse what this guy’s trying to do. Although, I do hope he knows we have other albums, too. Why stop at time? Let’s figure out how many Dopesmoker listens are in an ounce, or a mile…how many Dopesmoker listens of flour do you put in a batch of cookies? Alright, I’m pretty zooted.”
It was revealed shortly after press time that Woltham’s turntable has been stuck on 78 RPM for years, and he has been listening to a chipmunk-like 12-minute version of the album the whole time.
As the foremost source of punk rock journalism, rules are almost sacred to The Hard Times. Which is why we are unable to include posthumous compilation “Etc.” and live recording “Live 4/30/96” in our definitive ranking. Look, we know it blows. I mean, you’re telling us that “Kiss the Bottle” never made it onto an album? And are these really the best recordings we have of “Gemini” and “For Esme” – they sound like the band was playing a set in an abandoned tractor factory. Well, whatever, they’re both good albums. But since they aren’t studio releases we guess they can both fuck off. Sorry, Jawbreaker. Maybe this will finally get you off your fat asses and back into the studio again.
One of them had to be at the bottom of the list so it might as well be “Unfun.” Most fairweather Jawbreaker fans will probably just listen to album lead-off track “Want” and be done with it. Admittedly, there is a sameness to a lot of the songs and the band hadn’t really developed completely into the dark, melodic intricacies that Jawbreaker would eventually become known for. I dunno, maybe Schwarzenbach just hadn’t started mainlining Kerouac by this point. But still, “Unfun” remains the cornerstone of what 90’s pop-punk would become.
True story: “Chesterfield King” was the first Jawbreaker song I ever heard. I thought it was so darkly romantic. I remember being drunk at a party when I was eighteen and singing it to this girl that I had a huge crush on and then later that night I lost my virginity to her. Unfortunately though I was a shithead and a relationship never progressed and I fucked things up and now I’m left with a bittersweet memory of what could have been.
I strongly considered placing this album at number one, and not just because I thought it would give me a lot of hate comments on Twitter to have to deal with. But because this is one of the most complete works of art to encase heartbreak and depression that has ever existed. Doesn’t matter how much psilocybin and cocaine I’ve been on while I was listening to it, “Dear You” is a total effort to reach the core of human sorrow. And it does. REBECCA!!!
If this isn’t your perfect record then congratulations, you have done everything right in your life. You have no health problems, your partner loves you, you don’t question your friendships – you’re killing it. For the rest of us this is Jawbreaker apex. “Boxcar” is the immediate classic, even if it does sound like it was written by an anemic eighth grader, but this whole album basically punches you in the face and kind of just leaves its fist there – and lets you feel like you kind of deserve it. It’s fair to say that if you don’t love this record then you are an actual sociopath and should probably seek therapy.
