Real Life “Almost Famous?” This Music Journalist Got Paid

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Cameron Crowe’s coming-of-age classic “Almost Famous” is an entertaining, albeit slightly inaccurate portrayal of music journalism. Sure, we can suspend our belief about one particular teenage boy getting offered $1000 for a feature in 1973, but overall this movie sets unrealistic financial expectations for freelance music journalists. Trust us, we know.

Nevertheless, one ambitious freelancer is living out her “Almost Famous” fantasy by actually getting paid! That’s right, 23-year-old Tonya Comstock interviewed a band for her local newspaper and received legal American money for her work. Usually, music journalists are lucky to get a spot on the guest list, a free album from a record label’s PR team, or maybe even a cigarette if they’re interviewing a really cool band. But money? That’s a level of success only seen in the movies.

This is really exciting for Tonya’s career. She may not make enough to quit her day job as a barista, but she made $35. That’s the same amount of cash William Miller got to review a Black Sabbath show before landing a cover story for Rolling Stone. Granted, that kid made a lot more when you remember $35 in 1973 is over $200 adjusted for inflation today, but Tonya is still psyched to have beer money.

Getting paid isn’t the only way Tonya lives out her “Almost Famous” fantasy. She also gets constant phone calls from her overbearing mother who hates rock music and begs her not to do drugs. If scenes from “Almost Famous” keep happening in her personal life at this rate, she’ll be writing for Rolling Stone in no time!

Regardless of the implications for her budding journalism career, Tonya should be proud to earn actual cash. She has plenty of time to pitch even more paid gigs on the flight to her sister’s wedding. Hopefully, that plane ride goes more smoothly than the one in her favorite film about music journalism!

Charitable Punk Puts Half Smoked Cigarette in Donation Bin

Posted on by Zach Hudson

FARGO, N.D. — Local punk Calvin “Patch” McCambell is receiving less than stellar reviews from his community regarding his self-proclaimed act of altruism of putting a half-smoked cigarette in a clothing donation bin.

“Yeah, I’ve always been an empath,” said McCambell. “I could have really used that cigarette, but when I saw that donation bin I thought ‘you know, I bet there are people out there who could use this more than me.’ There should really be cigarette donation bins, but I’ve never seen one, so I figured the clothes bin was the best place to put it. It may not seem like much, but I’m pretty sure Jesus said that it’s better for a poor man to give his only shirt than a rich man to give half his cash or something like that. I’ve never actually been to church, but now I definitely don’t need to go.”

McCambell has been boastfully telling everyone who will listen about his questionable act of charity, including his housemate Stef Manner.

“Patch has been on his high horse for weeks about this and it’s pissing me off,” said Manner. “He won’t shut the fuck up about how he’s ‘really doing something for the community and making a difference’ and asking me and the other housemates what we’re doing to help. He’s never done anything for anybody unless he gets something out of it, and now all of a sudden he’s a self-proclaimed phelanthropist. Also, I bummed him that cigarette, for fucks sake.”

Lisa Punter, manager of the clothing charity Garments For Change, is furious about the situation.

“I don’t know who in their right mind would think putting a lit cigarette into a pile of clothing is a good idea,” said Punter. “Luckily, someone saw the smoke coming out and alerted the fire department. We weren’t able to salvage any of the donations from the bin, and multiple shelters were counting on a shipment from us this week. If this guy really wants to be charitable, he’ll donate his brain to science once he dies of lung cancer.”

At press time, McCambell is considering launching his own not-for-profit organization “Cigs For People Who Need Cigs,” and has been seen scouring ashtrays for salvageable smokes.

Remember New Jack Swing? No? Then You Probably Won’t Do Well on This New Jack Swing Quiz I Worked Hard On

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

Nowadays, Hip-hop and R&B are intrinsically connected, rap songs regularly feature soulful hooks over samples and nearly all pop songs have an MC do a verse, but in the late-1980s and early-1990s, the fusion of jazz, R&B, and rap over “swinging” drum machine samples was known as the phenomenon as New Jack Swing.

It was a sensation, I thought it had pervaded the culture enough that a quiz called “How Well Do You Know New Jack Swing?” But no one knows anything about it! So here’s my dumbed down, easy version of the quiz.

1. Which of the following was NOT a member of New Edition?

A. Michael Bivins
B. Bobby Brown
C. Johnny Gill
D. Montell Jordan

Still too hard? Come on!

2. The correct name of this seminal New Jack Swing group is _____.
A. Tony! Tony! Tony!
B. Tony! Tonee! Toe-knee!
C. Tony! Toni! Toné!
D. Tonee! Toneee! Toneeee!

None of this makes sense to you, does it? Look, there was once a group called Tony! Toni! Toné! That’s who I was referring to. Go ahead, circle B. This will be a free space.

3. Color Me Badd were featured on which 90s Fox show?

A. The Simpsons
B. The X-Files
C. Married… With Children
D. Beverly Hills 90210

I hope you guessed the teen drama since it was the perfect venue for a stylish boy band. Not the animated show or the Alien-hunting FBI agents.

4. The term “New Jack Swing” was coined in a profile of Teddy Riley in this now-defunct New York Alternative paper.

A. The New York Times
B. The New York Daily News
C. The New York Post
D. The Village Voice

Didn’t you look at context clues? Even if you’ve never heard of this fusion of hip-hop and R&B, didn’t “Defunct,” “Alternative paper” tell you anything? Alright, I’ll make it easier.

5. Bobbi Brown’s “On Our Own” was featured on the soundtrack to this 1989 spooky comedy sequel.

A. Batman
B. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
C. Ghostbusters II
D. Back to the Future II

6. New Jack Swing is a genre of music.

True or False.

Oh, now it’s too easy?

7. In a drastic career change, famed Singer/Producer Raphael Saadiq founded a video game studio, IllFonic. IllFonic is best known for developing this 2017 survival horror game, based on a long-running horror movie franchise.

A. M3GAN
B. Friday the 13th
C. Midsommar
D. Barbarian

Got that one, didn’t you? Nerd.

8. Kenneth Brian Edmunds got this stage name because of his youthful, babyish face.

A. Babyface
B. Al B. Sure
C. Heavy D
D. Keith Sweat

I’ll take this seriously when you take this seriously. You think writing quizzes is easy?

9. This King of Pop’s record, “Dangerous,” is the best selling New Jack Swing album of all time selling 30 million copies.
Hint: His sister, Janet Jackson’s album, Control was considered the first breakthrough New Jack Swing record.

A. Michael Jackson
B. Adele
C. Meatloaf
D. Santana

Interesting, huh? I was going to put in the stuff about the child molestation accusations, but you got it without that, right? Congrats.

10. Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis wrote songs for the following artists:

A. Morris Day and the Time (It’s going to be all of the above.)
B. Cherrelle
C. Ralph Tresvant
D.
E. All of the Above.

It was all of the above.

Score: Everyone gets an D+ for getting this far.

Enraged Ben Shapiro Challenges boygenius To Publicly Play In Battle of the Bands Against Him

Posted on by James Knapp

WESTCHASE, Fla. — Self-proclaimed smartypants Ben Shapiro reportedly “flew into a tizzy” and demanded indie folk supergroup boygenius publicly perform in a local Battle of the Bands against him to prove that the group was really deserving of its moniker, petulant sources confirmed.

“I’m the real smartest boy around and everybody knows it. If anyone should have the name ‘boygenius,’ as well as all associated copyrights and commercial opportunities, then it should be me!” said Shapiro, currently on his fifth attempt to punch his frail little baby fist through a sheet of brittle drywall. “So I am now formally calling out the band to compete against me in this musical Thunderdome, held in the Westchase First Baptist Church gymnasium this Sunday. That will be plenty of time for this wunderkind to brush up on his sick violin chops and blow all those mouthbreathers out of the fucking swamp water.”

boygenius, though not initially inclined to respond, eventually just kind of said “fuck it.”

“I don’t know, man. At first we were all like let’s just ignore this guy – who cares about the name? But then he just kept Tweeting at us pictures of himself standing in front of Guitar Center holding a single tuning peg with a receipt and we decided we cannot abide that dude calling himself any kind of a genius,” explained Julien Baker, who is currently hitchhiking on a lonesome, windswept highway somewhere. “I wish I could say we don’t have much stake in this battle, but if I’m being honest, that bozo is going down so fucking hard. This is gonna be even better than that time I cold-cocked that guy who had the nerve to call me ‘Jules.’”

Music community members remain divided on the relevance of what some lazier media outlets have dubbed “Geniusgate.”

“I’m still pretty confused as to what exactly is going on here. Why, of all places, would they choose to do this in Florida?” questioned Pitchfork news editor Gary Sanchez. “Of course [Shapiro] hasn’t got a shot in the world – ‘The Record’ isn’t even released yet and Pitchfork already gave it a 9.4 and said it was a ‘once in a generation masterpiece.’ Still, it should be pretty fun to watch. If Shapiro’s music is anywhere as stupid as his screenwriting then this is gonna be a bloodbath.”

At press time, conservative media outlets had preemptively begun hailing Shapiro as “the next Clint Cobain.”

Photo by Gage Skidmore, Rebecca Sowell and David Lee.

How I Landed My Dream Job by Showing Just a Little Bit of Nut in My LinkedIn Profile Pic

Posted on by Dave McNamara

If you want to compete in today’s job market, you need to create a personal brand. You need to show potential employers why you’re the right candidate for the position, and you don’t have a lot of time and space to do so. Research shows that recruiters will look at a candidate’s LinkedIn profile for ten seconds before moving on to the next. So how do you make your profile stand out to a job recruiter? You can start by letting a little nut or nip slip out in your profile pic.

You don’t want to overdo it. Make it something they could almost miss with a quick glance. This will humanize you to recruiters while also letting them know that you’re down to party if the job calls for it. You also need to make sure you choose a solid background for your profile photo – something that doesn’t distract front the main event too much. I used my display of empty Skol vodka bottles I have duck taped to the wall in my living room.

Too many candidates will post universities or colleges in the Education section. Recruiters get tired of reading Dartmouth and Stanford over and over again. Give yourself the edge by listing your top 3 Metallica albums instead. After all, Professor Het taught you way more than that geriatric Comp instructor at Johnson Community College ever did. And don’t just pick the first three albums – throw a curveball in there like Load, or even Re-Load if you think you can back it up during an interview.

If you find yourself getting an in-person interview, make sure your show up with the same nut or nip slipped out. Recruiters really frown on it when a person doesn’t look like their profile photo. Try to answer their questions with the confidence of a Tool fan explaining Lateralus to their nephew at the kid’s table during Thanksgiving. And when the interview concludes, shake hands with the recruiter, giving them that gross little finger scratch on their palm. This will make you more memorable when they start the review process.

Too many candidates rely only on boring stuff like having “relevant work experience” or passing a “Criminal Background Check.” So put your best nut forward and show them who’s the right choice.

Weird Twin Brothers Voted “Most Likely to Be Rhythm Section in Metal Band”

Posted on by Ted Pillow

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Twin brothers Earl and Wayne Dunlap were chosen “Most Likely to Be Rhythm Section in Metal Band” by their fellow seniors, according to unsurprised sources at West Glenville High School.

“We don’t even play instruments!” exclaimed Earl Dunlap while feeding the twins’ pet snakes. “Everybody at that damn school judges us. Just because we’re twins, have long hair, and set the school record for suspensions doesn’t mean we’re going to be in a rock band together. Whatever, I guess it’s better than sophomore year when we were voted ‘Most Likely to Form a Regional Pro Wrestling Tag Team Whose Biggest Brush with Fame is Losing an Untelevised Preliminary Match before an Episode of WWE Smackdown.’ Our school has really specific superlatives.”

Although the twins questioned the student body’s selection, school administration endorsed the possibility that the twins would soon join a touring band.

“Honestly, whatever it takes to get those shitheads out of here,” bemoaned West Glenville High School principal Larry McDufferson. “I’ll take them to Sam Goody and buy them the instruments myself if I have to. When they aren’t fighting each other, they’re destroying the damn school. It’s the reason we’ve gone through five assistant principals in three years. Hell, the state shut down our metal shop program because they somehow built a fully operational ‘Twisted Metal’ style vehicle and used it to storm the football field.”

Despite their lack of musical talent or interest, experts agree that the Dunlap boys have a clear path to rock stardom.

“From Pantera to the Stooges to Every Time I Die, rock bands are full of siblings and, especially, sibling rivalries,” noted rock journalist Alison Redding. “Twins are even better! It doesn’t matter that they don’t play music yet. What’s more essential is that they despise each other. The archetypal role of twins in a rock band is to fight constantly until the band breaks up and they each join competing Dave Grohl side projects.”

As of press time, the twins were last seen drinking beer on the roof of the school as Principal McDufferson shouted at them through a megaphone.

Review: Municipal Waste “Electrified Brain”

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

This week the Hard Times takes a look at “Electrified Brain,” the latest offering from legendary Richmond thrashers Municipal Waste.

At least, we thought we were going to…Turns out, between releasing a movie and touring relentlessly with his Ill-Advised Vanity tour, the clown prince of pop himself ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic somehow also found the time to write a full-length parody album of “Electrified Brain” entitled “Perfect Refried Bean”…I mean, you gotta hand it to the guy, he never stops working!

Anyway, long story short, we got our hands on the wrong album. But, if you’re not one to bristle at spoilers, we listened to “Perfect Refried Bean” to let you know what each “Electrified Brain” track got parodied as. It was honestly a blast. Check it out:

Electrified Brain: “Perfect Refried Bean” is about one foodie’s quest to find the ideal refried bean.

Demoralizer: “The Floral Miser” is the tale of an Ebenezer Scrooge-like character who hoards pretty flowers.

Last Crawl: “Vast Haul” is a song detailing all the neat stuff a hoarder got at the flea market which included a ton of accordions.

Grave Dive: “Shave Drive” is about what it’s like being late for work and shaving on your commute.

The Bite: “The Wrights” is of course an educational song about pioneers of aviation.

High-Speed Steel: “I Breed Seals” is the saga of a strange man who runs an exotic animal farm.

Thermonuclear Protection: This one’s just the obligatory “Thermonuclear Protection Polka”

Blood Vessel / Boat Jail: “Mud Wrestle Coat Fail” is about a mud wrestler who forgets to take off their extremely expensive Gucci jacket beforehand.

Crank the Heat: “Hank Retreat” tells the story of a fantasy camp where men can live like Hank Hill for a week.

Restless and Wicked: “Zest-Lessened Sick Kid” is a somber tune about a sad child in a plastic bubble.

Ten Cent Beer Night: “Trenchant Ear Mite” is about a person in a Cyrano-type situation who gets witty lines fed to him by a bug in his ear.

Barreled Rage: “Chair Fold Rage,” you know how frustrating it is to deal with lawn chairs at the beach? That’s what Weird Al sings about here.

Putting on Errors: “Footing Drawn Terrors” is the terrible tale of a horror illustrator who secretly can’t draw feet.

Paranormal Janitor: “Where’s the Formal Dance, Centaur?” a fanciful song about a limo full of teens asking a half man/ half horse how to get to prom.

And there you have it. Pretty impressive, right? I mean, the guy’s been in the music business for forty years and he’s still coming up with interesting ways to make songs about things you can eat for lunch. I can’t imagine how honored the Municipal Waste guys must feel.

Score: 8/10 bars (as in either a parody of “stars,” or a reference to how MW likes to drink. Take your pick.)

Hardware Store Annoyed With Noise Musicians Coming in and Soloing for Hours Without Buying Anything

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

BLOOMFIELD, Conn. — Employees of a local hardware store franchise are reportedly exasperated with the many noise musicians who repeatedly come in to solo without purchase, sources confirmed while pressing fingers in their ears.

“They always head for the loudest stuff and start going ham for hours on end. The leaf blowers, the chain saws, anything with a, whattaya call it there, an interesting sonic quality,” said True Value Home Hardware manager Chester Dillaway. “And then they don’t buy squat. It’s like they treat my store like their own little SUNY Purchase dorm show. Look, I’m all for ‘power electronics’ but not like that. They’re ruining some of my favorite sounds in the whole world.”

The noise musicians in question were quick to defend their frequent use of the hardware store’s facilities.

“I just want to make sure I’ll get a good sound out of my instruments before I make a big purchase like that. Would you criticize Mozart for testing out a piano? Well, consider me the Mozart of the hydraulic paint mixer,” said local noise artist Brian Symmonds, who performs under the moniker “Sheathed Regions.” “People assume being a harsh noise musician is all fast cars and bikini babes, but there’s actually very, very little money involved. I know, I was surprised too.”

Telly Diamonds, a representative of Black and Decker manufacturing, elaborated on the continuing threat noise musicians pose to the hardware store community.

“Oh, we receive thousands, no joke thousands, of complaints every year from hardware store employees complaining about noise musicians doing what they call ‘rip ‘n dips’ where they ‘rip’ a set and ‘dip’ out of there,” said Diamonds. “It’s gotten to the point where we’re nearing a deal with Guitar Center to have them sell our products. At least they’re used to masturbatory musicians sampling wares without purchase. These harsh noise areas will allow folks to come in and solo on a drill or a blender for as long as they want. Hopefully behind a pane or two of acoustically-impenetrable glass, for the sake of others.”

At press time, Dillaway decided to throw in the towel and has officially rebranded True Value Home Hardware as a thriving DIY venue.

Latest Episode of “Behind the Bastards” Tells Origin Story of Guy Who Invented Rushing to Front of Stage Right Before the Headliner Goes On

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

LOS ANGELES — Fans of the popular history podcast “Behind the Bastards” were surprised by the show’s latest episode, chronicling Vincent Whitman, whose claim to notoriety is being the first person in recorded history to push his way to the front right before a headlining performer’s set started.

“Numerous records and testimonies verify that, at a Bert Jansch concert in 1966, Whitman aggressively pushed his way to the front of the crowd for the headliner even though he arrived to the show very late,” said host Robert Evans while describing the two-part series on an otherwise unknown historical figure. “Others, upon realizing this unwritten social rule had been broken without consequence, followed his example. And soon, this insufferable practice became normalized at standing-room concerts everywhere. People eventually became innovative and used the ‘I’m carrying two beers’ method to get to the front, but Whitman was the first truly reprehensible soul to carry out this depraved act.”

Longtime “Behind the Bastards” listener Ruby Camp noticed a sudden increase of Whitman’s name being shared with intense vitriol on multiple platforms.

“On Twitter there was a hashtag #fuckvincentwhitman trending within minutes, and I saw multiple Tiktok creators posting videos tearing Whitman down,” said Camp. “But unsurprisingly a lot of people on Facebook were defending Whitman, saying it was ‘his right as an American citizen.’ There was an entire group dedicated to him claiming he would have been an anti-vax warrior if he were still around today. I just wish everyone could come together and agree that rushing to the stage for the headliner is a bullshit move.”

Delilah Blanchard, author of the concert history book “Maximum Capacity: The Dark Side of General Admission,” cited Whitman’s towering height as a key factor in their menace.

“Whitman was reportedly 6’5” and was known to where distracting hats. So, it’s not as though he was struggling to see or anything,” said Blanchard, who researched Whitman for years. “By all accounts, he had a great view of the stage even when he was standing towards the back of the room. But apparently, it was so important for him to see Bert up close that he had to make everyone else pay the price. When I think of the worst people in history I think Hitler, Vlad the Impaler, and Vincent fucking Whitman.”

This installment comes after another two-part episode, about Andrew Dent, known for being the first person to stand up immediately when the plane lands.

We Look Back on When Executions Went Electric

Posted on by Richard Circuit

It’s been decades since an acoustic execution has graced the stages of our town centers. The French guillotine was last used in 1977 and American hangings haven’t been in vogue since slightly before then. We took the time to reflect on that infamous mid-20th century moment when executions went electric.

Traditionalists preferred the clean sounds of wood and steel and spine and blood. They saw the electric chair as a cop-out that appealed to general audiences, while simultaneously taking less skill on the part of the executioner. Executions were just more intimate back in the day.

We spoke with some of those most impacted by the change.

“Executions are supposed to be between a criminal, an 80-pound blade, and a rowdy crowd watching it all, hoping to get spattered with blood,” said execution snob Marc Watters. “Now pop culture has taken over so everyone and their mom can enjoy the death of a probably-guilty convict.”

After the electric switch, crowds could be heard yelling “Judas!” in reference to the biblical character who hung himself the old-fashioned way.

“You shouldn’t need all those cables and wires to put on a good show,” said execution enthusiast Gertrude Cafferty. “If you’re really talented you can do it with your hands and still have everyone leave happy.”

Called a betrayal by many decapitation-heads, the switch over to electric executions was met with mass uproar. One angry executioner tried to take his axe to the electric cables connected to the prison and cut off the power.

“Me and my artisanal craftsmanship are going to be put out of work,” said Victor Deglano. “No more black masks and hand-chopped criminals. And don’t get me started on lethal injections. Now I need a medical degree to do my job.”