Opinion: Saturday Is for the Boys and Sunday Is for Solemnly Piecing Together Where Life Went Wrong

Posted on March 7, 2023 by Matt McInerney

Saturday is for the fucking boys, of course. It’s a day for drinking, hanging, partying, and all other things related to “bro-ing out.” It’s a day reserved for fun, friendship, and uplifting your boys to the fullest extent. Sunday, however, is for waking up alone and spending the rest of the day solemnly piecing together exactly where your life went so terribly wrong.

Some things are hard to piece together. Saturday was clear as a bell, though. The boys and I went wild. We got totally sloshed and sang karaoke, both at the bar and at the Uber driver on our way home. But when I abruptly woke up to vomit on Sunday, I was unable to pinpoint exactly which of my horrible life decisions started me down the path I now wander, totally alone.

Was it the time I turned down an invite for Saturday dinner at my boss’ house so I could turn up with my boys? Maybe then I could have turned this job into a fulfilling career with upward mobility. Or was it the many times I no-showed my kid’s little league games and, instead, spent the Saturday playing cornhole with the fellas. These are the questions Sunday was meant to ponder.

Unfortunately, as much as I try to think my way out of this mess, I doubt there is anything that can be done. I am filled with no answers. Only regret a puzzle to put back together. The broken puzzle pieces of my shattered life. Just waiting for next Saturday.

“We Like To Have Fun Around Here,” Says Older Cop While Showing Rookie Where Department Keeps Its Electric Chair

Posted on March 6, 2023 by James Knapp

GLADEWATER, Texas — Veteran law enforcement officer Denny Polumbock jocularly mentioned that the Gladewater PD “likes to have fun” just as they arrived at the capital punishment room while giving a tour of the station to a new hire, sources who were only forty percent kidding confirmed.

“I know these days a lot of those cancel culture fascists like to badmouth the boys in blue, but that’s just because they don’t see the lighter side of our jobs. That’s why we still keep this chair around – or as we call him, ‘Sparky Jim,’” explained Polumbock. “Sure, MSNBC will run iPhone footage of us beating up immigrants all day, but they never bother to show the looks of pure joy on everyone’s faces when we absolutely fry somebody. We even added stadium seating for our death spectators. It’s all about creating the perfect atmosphere for a good time.”

Rookie cop Mark Locke expressed a mixture of confusion and perverse interest following Polumbock’s remarks.

“You don’t expect to see a rig that advanced in a small town jail like this. Apparently they did a community fundraiser to buy the thing and everyone was so excited to finally turn it on. I mean, according to Denny, the station didn’t even have a radio until this year,” questioned Locke. “I must admit though, it is nice to see a department be so upfront about this sort of thing. I worked as a State Trooper for a couple years and those guys do all of their murdering real undercover. No show about it.”

Death-row convict Vance Coclear gave his perspective on his forthcoming execution.

“Someone call the ACLU! I was just arrested for loitering at Sbarro, I don’t deserve to die!” Coclear bellowed to an indifferent jailhouse. “This is barbaric! I can’t imagine what happens when someone commits an actual crime. Also, the cutesy name for the chair is just a slap in the face. If you’re going to 100% fully fucking kill me, could you at least take it seriously!”

At press time, Gladewater PD officers were preparing another prisoner to be executed by firing squad for the crime of humming a trademarked song without first acquiring the copyright.

So You Finally Have an Evening to Devote to Making Music: Here’s How to Spend It All Fixing Your Audio Interface and Installing Updates

Posted on March 6, 2023 by John Danek

The kids are sleeping at their friend’s house. Your spouse is visiting the in-laws. Tonight is the night! You finally have two or three uninterrupted hours to work on music. Finally, you can put together the bedroom EP that Rick Rubin will find on Bandcamp and offer to produce an album. Your musical dreams are about to come true. The only thing that can stop you is getting too tired and falling asleep on the couch. Here’s how to maximize those precious hours.

Connect your audio interface
Consider which amp plugin you want to use out of the twelve you bought on sale last Black Friday. Connect your guitar and start comparing Fender Twin simulations to Marshalls. Wait, shit, there’s no sound coming out. Plus, the light on the front of the audio interface is blinking. That can’t be good.

Scour the internet for troubleshooting advice
How has no other human being on the internet in 2023 had the issue where the Focusrite 2i2 light blinks three short times followed by three long blinks? There is one Reddit thread where someone appears to have a similar issue but moderators locked the discussion for being off-topic since it was on the Celine Dion subreddit. The search for help continues.

Reinstall your audio interface’s drivers
Let’s just start from scratch by reinstalling the drivers. The interface itself is pretty old, so are you supposed to install the x86 version or 64-bit? There aren’t any Windows 11 drivers listed but Windows 10 should probably work, right? We hope. Fuck.

Update Windows
Yeah, maybe that’s the problem. Even if it doesn’t fix the interface, at least that little notification in the corner will disappear. Hope that this isn’t one of those updates where your computer is stuck restarting for twenty-five minutes. Oh, it is? Well, time to pour a finger of whiskey since there’s nothing else to do.

Accept defeat
No sound is coming out after reinstalling everything, submitting a support ticket to Focusrite and Microsoft, and changing every conceivable setting for your audio interface. I guess it’s just not meant to be. You’re never going to open for Dokken. But that doesn’t mean you need to spend any less time or money on guitar fantasies! In fact, maybe it’s time to transition from guitar player to guitar collector. These are all things to think about as you drift to sleep, drunk on the couch. It is almost 9pm after all.

Satanic Panic? This Member of The Satanic Temple Has Anxiety

Posted on March 6, 2023 by Audrey Vieira

Satanic panics are all the rage right now. Thanks to the concerned Facebook posts of Christian mothers, devilish imagery receives frequent engagement online and at any event with red lighting or a Party City devil costume. But this resurgence doesn’t faze local woman Allison Crane, a card-carrying member of The Satanic Temple whose severe anxiety makes every day a Satanic panic.

Pop stars like Sam Smith, Kim Petras, and Lil Nas X get a lot of credit for starting new Satanic panics, but they wouldn’t hold a ritualistic candle to Allison if she wasn’t afraid to leave her apartment. She even experiences Satanic panic inside her overpriced living space. That flickering burnt-out light in the kitchen? It’s pretty spooky but not as nerve-wracking as filing a maintenance request for someone to come over and fix it.

Allison’s rare public appearances spawn some pretty impressive Satanic panic attacks. Sure, people online are more concerned with finding subliminal messages in reversed music videos, but Allison’s still haunted by her last Trader Joe’s run. How is she supposed to sleep at night knowing she saw two of her former classmates in the produce aisle without greeting them?

The worst part of the situation? She specifically drove to this Trader Joe’s on the other side of town because she can’t go back to the one in her own neighborhood. She’s not outright banned or anything, but she said “You’re welcome” to a cashier who told her to have a great day. No way in hell is she showing her face in there after that debacle.

She’d sooner attend church with her parents again than be perceived by her neighbors one more time. Hell, she probably will. They want her to join them for Easter vigil and she doesn’t have the heart to tell them that her book club meets that afternoon. If they find out she’s in one book club, they’ll try to get her to join their book club which meets in front of an incredibly creepy Jesus statue — the one that she joined The Satanic Temple to protest, no less.

At least she has time to think it over while she drives across town to a third grocery store. Her Friday night pizza ritual can continue as planned so long as she doesn’t hyperventilate in this place’s frozen food section.

Goth Does Semi-Truck Fist Pump Thing as Hearse Drives By

Posted on March 6, 2023 by Chris Bowen

TRENTON, N.J. — Local goth Alex Stemens enthusiastically fist pumped a nearby hearse in hopes they would blow their giant air horn, several chalky white-faced sources report.

“I always like to let hearse drivers know that I appreciate everything they do, and show my solidarity with them,” Stemens explained. “Oftentimes, whenever I clench my fist and pump it in the air for an oncoming hearse, I can see their faces glow before looking away. And I’m sure it’s a tough job for them, what with all the having to go around cemeteries so often and not being able to take pictures and all. I know that would be pretty damn stressful for me. I’m still hoping one of them blows their horn and it plays ‘The Munsters’ theme or something cool like that.”

Richard Kulis, a hearse driver for the Kulis & Bushnell Funeral Home for over 40 years, is more than just confused over instances like this.

“In all my years in the business, I still have no idea what to do whenever I see the vampire types make that horn-thing gesture,” Kulis explained. “I mean, do they want me to lay on my horn during the funeral procession? Flash the lights? Do it back? Normally I just look at them then pretend to look at the road or my phone while driving. I guess it’s better than them asking me for autographs like they did in the ‘90s.”

Elder goth Tracy “Fangs” Romona used experiences from their decades-long presence in the scene to weigh in on the wholesome gesture.

“Goths as well as hearse operators know the universal game they play with each other,” Romona said while selling their prized two-headed fetus in a jar on eBay for money towards Sisters of Mercy tickets. “It’s also like when goths see any black cats in public. It’s ingrained in our psyche to immediately pet them on the head or do that ‘pspspsps’ noise to get them to come over. Or also like when goths see a picture of our lord and savior Robert Smith, you tap the tip of your nose for good luck. Goths love superstitions.”

At press time, Stemens was seen saluting a Home Depot employee for everything she does putting up the displays during Halloween season.

Gin Blossoms Finally Acknowledge White Privilege of Letting Cops Chase You Around and Facing Zero Repercussions

Posted on March 5, 2023 by Patrick Coyne

TEMPE, Ariz. — ‘90s alt rockers Gin Blossoms finally acknowledged their white privilege that enabled them to “drive around this town” being chased by the cops without any repercussions, confused and old listeners of Sirius XM’s “Lithium” confirmed.

“Anyone who’s heard our music is well aware of our extreme level of whiteness. Heck, we’re routinely ranked between Savage Garden and Toad the Wet Sprocket as the ‘most likely to sunburn indoors’ rock groups of the ‘90s. But we didn’t learn until recently about the privilege that comes along with being the alt rock equivalent of mayonnaise on Wonder Bread,” explained bassist Bill Leen. “It’s important now that we recognize that not every band could spend the day letting the cops chase them without facing arrest, or worse. Let’s just say if it was Living Colour in that situation, the song ‘Hey Jealousy’ would have ended very differently.”

Random Tempe woman commuting to work Shawna Howard described a related run-in with Leen.

“I saw this middle-aged white guy walking down the street and briefly stopping and speaking to every person of color. When he reached me, he said ‘I’m sorry.’ I asked for what and then he explained he’s in the Gin Blossoms. I got excited thinking they were the guys who wrote that song from ‘The Babysitters Club’ movie but apparently that was Better Than Ezra?” said Howard. “I suppose I appreciate what he’s trying to do, even if it may negatively affect his career. Because let’s face it, bands like his mostly play midwestern state fairs, and those places are teeming with corn dog-eating, anti-woke white people.”

Former MTV VJ and ‘90s rock scene staple Matt Pinfield elaborated on this emerging trend among aging rock bands.

“The one consistent throughline in the story of grunge and alternative rock is white privilege. I mean, how else could a band like Matchbox Twenty receive a record contract and radio play without it,” said Pinfield. “But Zoomers that are now discovering this music are viewing these lyrics through a different lens than their parents. First, consider the so-called ‘dark secret’ behind the boathouse in The Toadies’ ‘Possum Kingdom.’ And it’s probably best to just avoid the thorny issue that is King Missile’s ‘Detachable Penis.’”

In response to Gin Blossom’s newly found empathy and atonement, Stephan Jenkins of Third Eye Blind has vowed to continue being the biggest asshole of ‘90s rock.

Review: Radiohead “Kid A”

Posted on March 5, 2023 by Bobby Korec

Each week The Hard Times travels back to review an album that we probably should have when it came out. This week we’re looking at Radiohead’s iconic “Kid A.”

Ah, yes. Radiohead. The Reel Big Fish of electronica. The Limp Bizkit of experimental music. The Taylor Swift of art rock. A lot of things could be said about this band. Especially this critically acclaimed record.

I remember the first time I ever heard “Kid A” way back in the early 2000s. I had just downloaded a copy from the file-sharing behemoth known as LimeWire. If you don’t remember, LimeWire was like Spotify but totally illegal because artists didn’t get any money from it. Unlike Spotify where they at least get spare change here and there.

Anyway, this album was my very first introduction to the ‘Head, and boy was I floored. The first “Kid A” track I downloaded was an MP3 of their song “Creep.” Simply incredible vibes. Next, I got M4As of “Karma Police” and “High and Dry.” I’m telling you, it was such a mind-blowing start to a piece of work that it almost sounded like it could be a greatest hits album.

From there, “Kid A” kind of took a turn. The next songs that I downloaded were “MmmBop,” “Enter Sandman,” and “Mambo No. 5.” I had heard this band got pretty experimental but I was not expecting this kind of range.

At one point it sounded like I was listening to seven or eight different bands on one album. That being said, I think my favorite Radiohead song of all time is definitely “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing to F’ With.” That’s track 24 on the album. Not enough experimental art rock bands incorporate hip-hop into their sound.

This album is an absolute classic and quite possibly the most experimental record of all time. If you’re a Radiohead fan, you know exactly what I’m talking about already. It’s just too bad LimeWire had to shut down due to the rampant copyright infringement because I never would’ve found the classic song “Smells_Like_TeenSpirit” by Third Eye Blind without them.

Score: Kid A+

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White Jeans Attempted

Posted on March 5, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

BRUNSWICK, Maine — Determined punk Leroy Ainsley decided to throw caution to the wind recently when he attempted to pull off wearing white jeans, sources confirmed amid derisive snickering.

“I’ll be the first to admit I was nervous to take such a big swing. Every pair of jeans I’ve ever worn has been a dark blue or black, so it was going to be jarring no matter what. But I figured I’d be able to make them work,” said Ainsley while holding his head in his hands for several consecutive minutes. “Let’s just say, I was ripped to shreds the minute I stepped outside. I thought I lived in a warm, supportive community, but apparently I live on the dais of a Comedy Central Roast. Never again.”

Brunswick residents of all walks were reportedly ruthless in their impromptu mockery.

“I couldn’t stop laughing. I mean, you could tell the little weiner was on the fence in trying them out in the first place, you could practically smell it on him. The guy had no confidence whatsoever, so I had to let him have it,” said Ainsley’s postal worker Helena Radscombe. “Ugh, just picturing it turns my stomach…who does he think he is, fuckin’ Andrew W.K.? You know how people throw red paint on people in fur coats? We gotta start saving a few cans for timid bozos giving new pants a whirl. Yuck!”

Denim Depot salesperson Irv Gladstone revealed that white jeans are something of an inside joke in the apparel parlance.

“I’ll admit, I sold the young man the jeans in question, and I don’t regret it. The entire industry is corrupt when it comes to white dungarees, it’s an open secret,” said Gladstone, nervously puffing on a cigarette. “So when a rube comes in off the street wanting something fresh, we pounce. Let that be a lesson to your readers out there: never, ever try something new. Scientifically, no one can pull off white jeans unless they live in a tropical climate and are over the age of 55. But luckily for us denim salesmen, Florida exists.”

At press time, Ainsley lamented that he’ll never have to worry about wearing jeans of any variety ever again, as the local bullies won’t stop pantsing him as soon as he leaves his house.

How I Upgraded My Life by Committing a Crime in Sweden and Going to One of Their Nice Ass Prisons

Posted on March 5, 2023 by Zachary Wolf

Like many of you, I used to sit in my drab apartment and dream of moving to Europe, the land of affordable train travel, relaxed attitudes towards casual nudity, and rampant alcoholism. Well, friends, I’ve cracked the code.

Keep reading to learn how I moved to Sweden for at least the next 3-5 years. Maybe longer if I play my cards right.

It was a simple trick really. I just committed a string of felonies, or grov förbrytelses as they’re known in these parts. All I had to do was fall in with a gang of Swedish criminals and embark on a crime wave that landed me right here in Gothenburg’s own Härlanda Park prison!

My cell features 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, a bespoke dining room set, and modern light fixtures. It also contains artwork crafted by local artisans. Furthermore, I was welcomed to the block by my neighbor, a famous bank robber named Henrik “The Swedish Swindler” Berg, who made me a wonderful dinner with fresh fish, dill potatoes, and lingonberry-coated meatballs.

Needless to say, this is a serious upgrade over my old apartment.

For starters, I would pay at least $2,500 a month for something like this in any major American City, and that’s not counting HOA fees. And since Sweden offers free higher education to all incarcerated (and non-incarcerated) residents I figure I might as well complete that marketing degree I never finished. I considered taking some Swedish classes too, but they speak better English here than anywhere else in the world, so why bother?

Sure I miss my friends and family back home, but you have to leave the nest sometime don’t you? Besides, my mom always dreamed that I would one day live in a safe neighborhood with no guns, promising career prospects, and low crime rates.

She just never thought that place would be a Swedish prison.

The Weekly Scene Report: March 4

Posted on March 4, 2023 by The Hard Times Staff

You may have made it through another week, but have you made it through the most important news stories from the last seven days? If not, you’re in luck.