RICHMOND, Va. — Thrash metal band GWAR was forced to build an immense costume and elaborate backstory for a tambourine player that was featured in just one song on a recent release, sources confirmed.
“I got hired to play on a track, and next thing I know they’re handing me a 200-page character bible,” said session tambourinist Thomas Paige, now known in the band as Adolfus Cumlizard. “They insisted I memorize the whole thing before I go on tour with them. I just play on the bridge, and suddenly I have to pretend to be, what they called, a ‘multiversal fuckbeast.’ They gave me a costume and I nearly put my eye out when I tried to put it on. Can’t believe I went to Juilliard for this. But they’re tripling my daily rate so I guess I’ll roll with it.”
The primary members of the band seemed excited about adding the tambourine player to their ranks.
“Adolfus Cumlizard will tear your fucking face off and then piss on your skull,” said lead guitarist Pustulus Maximus. “This crazy mamma jamma comes from a planet where they fuck volcanos to reproduce. He knows the caldera g-spot and he’ll hit it and cause Mt. Vesuvius to bust all over Rome. He splooges on the audience in shows and they love it. His tambourine creates a sonic boom that compels all puny humans to fuck until they die from dehydration. No gatorade on his planet.”
Music expert Janet Oakes explained that this is not the first occasion of a temporary band member being absorbed into a band’s lore.
“This happens all the time,” Oakes explained. “I remember in 2007, Slipknot contracted 200 members of the Boston Gay Men’s Chorus to provide backing vocals in a concert and had to spend thousands of hours coming up with unique masks for each of them. A few were clearly Halloween masks from Party City, but most were of very high quality. Also Okilly Dokilly would routinely make their backing musicians get major cosmetic surgery to look exactly like Ned Flanders. It’s an industry standard.”
At press time, Paige was admitted to the hospital after scalding their hands while mixing a vat of corn syrup and red food coloring to simulate volcanic semen for the upcoming tour.