NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Christian rock band The Exalted reunited just three days after shocking their local scene with a breakup announcement, churchgoing sources confirmed.
“It broke my heart when critics utterly crucified our latest album, on New Music Friday of all days. We simply could not deal with the criticism and called it quits right then and there. But my bandmates and I prayed about it over the weekend and decided to forgive the haters for their sins,” frontman Josh Carpenter testified at Sunday worship. “I’m so thrilled to confirm that The Exalted is back together and ready to perform miracles for thousands of our adoring followers at megachurches across the nation. Without revealing too much information, it’s going to be an exciting 40 days and 40 nights of shows.”
Youth pastor and The Exalted superfan Paul Miller is already planning travel arrangements for the reunion tour.
“I’m so glad to see The Exalted rise once again so that true believers like me can receive life through their shows,” Miller said after reciting a prayer over his phone’s Ticketmaster app. “I’ve already set aside 10% of my income to cover the ticket prices. Heck, I might even camp out for barricade if I don’t have to lead youth group that day. I’m hoping to get a good spot up front in case Josh washes fans’ feet onstage again, or baptizes the crowd with his water bottle.”
While most fans are excited about The Exalted’s grand return, music critic Thomas Dunn doubts the band’s motivations, due to contractual obligations and the timing of the initial disbandment.
“I know a publicity stunt when I see one,” Dunn said while defending his two-star review of the band’s latest album on Twitter. “The guys signed a strict six-album deal with Josh’s dad’s record label. That garbage album they dropped on Friday was only their third release, so they were bound to reunite sooner or later. Josh is a privileged kid — worshiped by his fans, always getting venues to turn the water on his rider into wine — but even he would never see the gates of Heaven if he went back on his word.”
When pressed for further comment, members of The Exalted simply gestured to their mysteriously empty practice space inside a local cave.