Fender Recalls New Guitar That Moans While Being Tuned

Posted on by Jonah Nink

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Fender recalled a new line of guitars and basses that moan, grunt and scream while being tuned after weeks of constant complaints from customers, according to company officials.

“After careful analysis of recent feedback, we have gathered that customers don’t want to play a guitar that makes realistic moaning sounds,” said Fender spokesperson Eve Bax. “We wanted to add more positive feedback to the tuning process, but may have gone too far. Since the moment the guitars were launched customers have complained about the hauntingly realistic gasps of pain and pleasure they make have upset and disturbed guitarists of all experience levels. We’re also in the process of taking back all of the new guitars we donated to school programs.”

Along with a wave of complaints, Fender’s moaning guitars saw record-low sales numbers through Guitar Center and other music retailers.

“I walked into the music store and saw this brand new cherry red strat sitting right at the front. It had a great tone and played like a dream,” said guitarist Mandy Simpkins. “Then I try to tune the fucker, and it immediately let out this guttural, almost animalistic moaning. Like, the sound a fully-grown Moose would make while it was both dying of stomach cancer and getting spectacular head at the same time. The store went dead silent and everyone turned to look at me. I ran out crying. I’ve had constant nightmares about the sound for a week now. Thanks, Fender.”

Fender has also received complaints from a number of high-profile musicians, including Wilco’s Jeff Tweedy.

“Normally I love weird instrument shit like this. I already own one of the infamous Nord ‘Slap Me, Daddy’ Keyboards and three pairs of Tama Drum Dicks,” said Tweedy. “But the monstrosity the Fender put out was too much. It only took a few seconds of tuning for my ears to start bleeding from the moans, which are so loud that neighbors on all sides of me called the cops. I think at one point the guitar even yelled the date I’m going to die, down to the exact second. I lent it to Nels Cline and after only a few days it made him completely sterile.”

At press time, Yamaha released a statement saying that its line of snare drums tuned to slurs will be released as planned.

Photo by James Knapp.

Beer Never Broke My Heart, but It Has Ruined All of My Relationships

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Like my idol and personal hero once said, a “long-neck ice-cold beer never broke my heart.” And it’s true. Nothing has ever been there for me more than a nice cold beer. It has been there for me through everything. Especially every breakup.

Remember Becky? She was a firecracker. She’d get mad at me for the smallest stuff. Like that time when I parked my car upside-down in the front yard, then crawled through the window because she changed the locks. Boy was she mad that night. Thank god I had my bedstand beer by my side to comfort me through all the yelling.

Then there was Sally. It was our first anniversary and I was pre-gaming a bit before we went out. The plan was that I’d meet her at the restaurant. Once I got there, apparently, she’d been waiting for an hour or so. I don’t know why she was so bent out of shape. If that were me, I would have just hung out at the bar and maybe ordered a beer. She broke up with me on the spot. Thank God I had some extra beers in the fridge to numb the pain of a broken heart.

And then there was the love of my life, Becky Jane, aka “New Becky.” It was our wedding day. Once I got to the altar (on time!) I started feeling a little sleepy. It’s just that her vows were so long, and I was nodding off a little. I woke up to her crying under her veil, saying something about how I don’t care or whatever. I know she was upset but I thought her knocking the beer out of my hand was a bit much. Anyway, she ran screaming down the aisle and I never saw her again.

Now that I think about it- actually, it’s probably best not to think about it too much or we might start to get sad. Instead, let’s think of something fun to do. What’s that, beer in my hand? Crack you open, you say? That’s not a bad idea, beer. Not a bad idea at all!

Man Hangs on to Social Media Just a Little Longer to See How Departure Announcement Does

Posted on by Matt McInerney

PORTLAND, Ore. – Local man Gerald Stephenson delayed his highly publicized departure from social media an extra few minutes to respond to a couple more comments and DMs, unsurprised sources confirmed.

“This is all about mental health and how social media has become a toxic force in my life, which it has. I need a break to get back to nature. Maybe I’ll even do some woodworking,” said Stephenson as he looked down at his phone. “But first, I think it’s important that I reply to some of these comments. I know most of my followers will be pretty upset to learn that they’ll be losing my daily musings, and I need to respect that and provide some comforting words. I swear I’ll be done with this by tomorrow at the latest.”

Stephenson’s long-time friend Maya Bogart was quick to recognize this sort of behavior.

“I know, I know. He’s doing it again. Gerald announced his grand departure at a dinner party this weekend. And yes, he announced that he was planning to post an announcement,” said Bogart while suppressing an eye roll. “Last time he made a proclamation like this, it was just that he was deleting the Twitter app from his phone. Not deleting his account, just the app. And he couldn’t even stick to it through the entire length of the party. Before the end of the night, I saw him hiding in a corner scrolling.”

Leona Ponce, a social media manager for Chipotle, sees this type of empty gesture on a daily basis.

“An unfortunate side effect of this job is that I encounter ‘the departure post’ a lot. I’d call it a classic at this point. And they’re always the same: a wall of text basically scolding the rest of us for not going on more hikes while explaining how awful social media is,” said Ponce. “They are definitely right that social media is terrible for humanity as a whole, but they all seem to think that buying a pair of L.L. Bean boots will solve all of their problems. But sadly, that’s not actually a cure for narcissistic personality disorder. I can guarantee you none of these people last more than 48 hours offline before crawling back to see how many of their friends hollowly congratulated them.”

At press time, Stephenson was working on an op-ed piece about his experience leaving social media and posing for a picture in his new Carhartt jacket for the header image.

12 Kinds Of Girl Scout Cookies My Dealer’s Kid Keeps Pushing On Me, Ranked

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

Girl Scout cookies have come a long way since my sister’s Brownie Troop used to set up a table outside the Pathmark. For several years, I didn’t encounter any Girl Scouts until my pot dealer’s daughter joined and got me hooked.

Here’s my guide to Girl Scout Cookies from Worst to Best, based on my dealer’s daughter’s sales tactics:

Lemon-Ups

These are pretty new. Maybe it’s just me, when I try a cookie, I want it crunchy and sweet with a nice interesting taste. The lemon flavor in these just hits the wrong notes. I have certain expectations based on my previous experiences buying and eating cookies, surprises can be fun, but I just want more of what I enjoy. That’s probably why I found it a little off-putting that Stony, the guy who I’d been buying my weed from since college, would still be dealing out of his living room carrying his daughter Marley in a Baby Bjorn.

Lemonades

Two strikes against you Lemonades – bland shortbread and lemon flavoring. It just strikes me as out of place. Fruit flavors are great and have their place in certain cases, but getting a sour zest when you’re not expecting it takes some getting used to. I have to say, it was a little weird to go from hitting the skull bong on the couch and watching “Blue’s Clues” to having to go out to the deck to smoke out of a Minion bong, then back to the couch to watch “Blue’s Clues” with a toddler staring at you.

Do-si-dos

These are the sad little sisters of a sandwich cookie. Plain peanut butter on Ritz Crackers are better than these. I love peanut butter, but oatmeal cookies are such a bummer. Right place, right time these hit the spot, they’re just not something I seek out. As she graduated from Brownie to full Girl Scout, I guess Marley learned about the “munchies” from “Friends” and appears at just the right time with samples and order forms. And the orders always seem to be delivered right around when I need to pick up another ounce. Smart kid. She’s lucky we live in a backwards-ass state where we can’t even get medical cards.

Toffee-tastic

This was a pilot for this year and it’s unremarkable. I love toffee, but there’s not enough to make this cookie join the regular rotation. I don’t know if Marley’s troop is a test market, but I appear to be her unofficial focus group with her taking notes on my reactions and writing down everything I said. I don’t want to comment on other’s parenting styles, but she gets a lot of screen time when her dad passes out, and it’s always Shark Tank or CNBC finance shows.

Thin Mints

Lots of people say these are the OG, but chocolate and mint as a combination never appealed to my palate. However, in Marley’s sales deck, she noted that they make 25% of all Girl Scout Cookie sales. I think she might have been trying to shame me with her professionally printed lookbook, and various other “leave behinds.” In her pitch, she notes that they’re Kosher, Halal, and vegan, so she focuses on selling these to Stony’s fellow hippies.

Samoas

These are less than the sum of their parts, the coconut is the odd man out. I feel like if they just did cookie crust, caramel, and chocolate, they’d have a hit. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with the marketing of these cookies. I don’t have the funds to spend $75 on weed and $100 on cookies I’m lukewarm about every two weeks. I wonder how hard it would be to grow my own, or what those Delta-9 gummies from podcast ads are like. My cousin lives in Colorado, she could probably just send a couple ounces in a coffee can. Is it fear of getting caught by the cops or being called out by a tiny but scary Girl Scout?

Toast-Yay

These are new, and I swear they know the stoner’s mindset so well. I tried to find out what goes on at those Jamborees but Marley was pretty cagey about it. I know she’s pretty high up now, she got a trip to New York and rang the opening bell at the Stock Exchange.

Caramel Chocolate Chip

I swear she’s recording me. Years ago I said aloud, “Why not just do chocolate chip?” And here they are. I didn’t think anyone was listening to me, since Marley’s always watching Grindset Tiktokers, and Stony’s playing Tom Petty songs on the Fender acoustic that she won as sales leader for the region.

Girl Scout S’mores

Jesus, Girl Scouts of America, what took you so long? A camping based organization took more than a century to make a cookie based on this campfire treat? These would be top of the list, if they were around a little longer and the recipe had time to be perfected. I actually came across these outside of the Winn-Dixie, a Girl Scout troop had a table set up, I politely declined, until I saw Marley pop up. I swear she was ready to narc on me and her dad if I walked by. She did the throat-cut motion and everything!

Adventurefuls

These are fantastic and a great addition to the Girl Scout Cookie stable. But I noticed that she’s been adding service and convenience fees to the boxes she sells me. They’re supposed to be $6 max, and I’ve been paying $10 for years! I tried to subtly ask about this, but she just smiled with dead eyes and said, “I need my cookie dough.” Stony just laughed for 25 minutes.

In a few years, she’s either going to be a CEO or run a cartel.

Raspberry Rally

Last time I went over, I noticed these on the order form, but saw that they were only available online. She cut me off and glaring into my face said she “knows how to get them” and that I’m only allowed to order them from her and her only. Luckily, these are fantastic, they’re like a British tea biscuit.

She’s completely taken over Stony’s operation, honestly, she’s whipped him into shape. He used to just have a trunk filled with Altoid boxes and old plastic film canisters, now there’s labels, branding, and packaging.

Tagalongs

These are the all-time great. As good as (but cheaper than) an artisan bakery, and I’ve resigned myself to knowing that at least this supports a good cause. Unlike those Hitler Youth Boy Scouts and the popcorn that my coke guy’s kid sells.

Every The Mars Volta Album Ranked

Posted on by John Danek

The Hard Times has made more than a few jokes about The Mars Volta over the years. But you only roast the ones you love (and also Pantera). So let us be clear- The Mars Volta at their worst are better than your favorite band at their best. So join us as we open our viscera eyes and tie our noctourniquets to rank The Mars Volta’s discography.

7. The Bedlam in Goliath (2008)

Do you like drums? You better fucking like drums, because this album is 96% drums. It’s basically an hour-and-fifteen-minute drum solo. Some of my friends like this album the most; I need new friends.

Play It Again: “Goliath”
Skip It: “Metatron”

 

 

 

6. Octahedron (2009)

Octahedron is The Mars Volta’s self-proclaimed “pop” album which is further evidence that bands are terrible at defining their own genres. The artwork always makes me crave Red Lobster which unfortunately requires me to deduct points.

Play It Again: “Since We’ve Been Wrong”
Skip It: “Copernicus”

 

 

5. Amputechture (2006)

The band’s 2006 album is where things really start to go off the rails musically, which is the way some fans prefer it. “Amputechture” alternates between sounding like King Crimson with a crippling Monster Energy addiction, and King Crimson at nap time. And I mean that as a compliment.

Play It Again: “Viscera Eyes”
Skip It: “El Ciervo Vulnerado”

 

 

 

4. The Mars Volta (2022)

I’m getting older and thus I appreciate them turning down the volume a bit for their long-awaited comeback album. 20-year-old me hates that I’m about to compliment an acoustic song, but “Tourmaline” rules. That reminds me, I need to schedule a colonoscopy.

Play It Again: “Equus 3”
Skip It: “Blank Condolences”

 

 

3. Noctourniquet (2012)

Look up any other list ranking The Mars Volta’s albums, and you’ll find this in last place. Why? Because every other person doing rankings sucks other than me. A lot of these songs rip and wouldn’t feel out of place on De-loused.

Play It Again: “In Absentia”
Skip It: “Aegis”

 

2. Frances the Mute (2005)

Famed guitarist Yngwie Malmsteen once said “How can less be more? More is more!” That quote sums up Frances the Mute pretty nicely. The band took everything from De-loused and cranked it up to 11. How many more boomer references can I fit into this blurb? Uhhhh, Caddyshack. Three.

Play It Again: “L’Via L’Viaquez”
Skip It: “Miranda That Ghost Just Isn’t Holy Anymore”

 

1. De-Loused in the Comatorium (2003)

De-loused in the Comatorium is not only number 1 on this list, but number 1 on any list. Best Fleetwood Mac album? The Mars Volta’s De-loused in the Comatorium. Best Belgian silent film? The Mars Volta’s De-loused in the Comatorium. Best soufflé recipe for an Easter Sunday dessert? DE. LOUSED.

Play It Again: “Eriatarka”
Skip It: slandering this album by suggesting any song is skippable

Millennial Rewatches “MTV Cribs” to Live Vicariously Through Someone Who Owns a Home

Posted on by Bobby Korec

REHOBOTH BEACH, Del. — Local 34-year-old Amy Mangold recently binge-watched several old episodes of “MTV Cribs” as a way to live vicariously through someone who actually owns their home, sources who preferred to do that with “House Hunters” confirmed.

“I’m even getting emotional every time one of these celebrities gestures towards their bedroom and says ‘this is where the magic happens,’” said Mangold before receiving a Zillow notification about an available 540 square foot “fixer upper” in her area for $750,000. “You know, I could really picture myself in 50 Cent’s 35-bathroom mansion or Richard Brandon’s 74-acre private island home. Hell, I’d even take an afternoon in Tony Hawk’s hammock in his outdoor oasis at this point. Anything to get me out of this apartment I rent with seven other people. Feels like I’ll never be able to own property, let alone one with a jacuzzi right in the middle of the living room like Lil Wayne’s.”

MTV executive Ronald Livingstone didn’t realize the impact the show had on millennials in particular.

“We receive an enormous amount of criticism for promoting unattainable housing standards,” said Livingstone. “But let’s be honest, just because we showcased dozens of successful musicians flaunting their riches with zero humility doesn’t mean we don’t care about the housing market. If anything, it sounds like it’s the Millennials’ fault for not buying property when they were dirt cheap in the ‘80s and ‘90s, like the rest of us did. You snooze, you lose.”

Housing expert Lily Beachsty painted a bleak picture of the current hyper-luxury real estate market.

“It’s getting harder and harder for first-time homebuyers to afford houses, especially ones that have showers that can hold two-dozen people or come with a built-in high-end sneaker collection,” said Beachsty. “Back in the early 2000s, you only needed one smash hit in order to afford the mansion of your dreams. Today, that number is around seven or eight, just to afford a basic roof over your head. Millennial and Gen Z musicians most certainly have it harder than ever. Worse yet, Boomers didn’t even need any hit singles whatsoever to afford housing, as they were basically giving away homes, buildings, and various types of structures back then. Times have certainly changed.”

At press time, Mangold caught herself watching episodes of “Pimp My Ride” as she rode the bus to work in an effort to live vicariously through someone who owned a vehicle.

5 Worst Places To Remember You Ate an Edible an Hour Ago

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Under the right circumstances, eating edibles can be an awesome time. They’re convenient, potent, and discreet. They’re also legal (assuming you live somewhere worth living)! The real issue comes with the delay of effects. It’s dangerously easy to pop a gummy or take a few bites from a chocolate bar and then forget about it until much later.

When you finally get hit by that truck of THC, it may be too late to buckle up. Here is a list of the worst places to suddenly start feeling that edible you totally forgot about taking an hour ago.

At a job interview
You’re ready for this! You’ve got your resume memorized, your best business attire on, and you even have some astute questions prepared. But all of a sudden, BAM! That 20mg cookie you ate while interview prepping to “calm your nerves” smacks you across the face. It starts with a smirk, then an uncontrollable giggle, then you’re laughing maniacally on mute while your interviewer stares blankly over Zoom. Looks like you’re not getting an offer.

At a funeral
During tough times, some people cope using therapy. Others cope with copious amounts of weed laced candy. You did the latter and then forgot about it. At least, until you saw inside the open casket. Now you’re letting out an uncontrollable Wilhelm scream and everyone is watching you freak out over a dead body. You could have maybe convinced them later that you were just overcome with grief, except for the fact that you tried to shake Gram Gram awake.

During mile 2 of a marathon
You just hit the second mile marker and you’re cruising along at a nice pace. Nothing is gonna break your stride! You take a swig of water because your mouth is super dry all of a sudden. You look down at your feet — why do they feel like cinder blocks? What the hell was in that pre-race energy bar you ate? Now that you think about it, it did taste a little funny…and it was called CannaBar Xtreme. Here we go again! Let’s just say you’re not going to PR today.

At the DMV during your driver’s license test
So that other job interview didn’t work out. You decide it’s time to finally get licensed and drive for Uber Eats. You’ve studied the manual, you’ve practiced in parking lots with your friends. You’re ready to ace this driving test and get your life together! But wait, you ate a few gummies earlier while stressing, didn’t you? It’s starting to seem like a pattern, buddy. You should pull over before the DMV instructor grabs the wheel–your eyes have been closed for 10 seconds straight.

At an intervention for your marijuana use
This one is pretty self explanatory, but at least it’s not on you since an intervention is by its own nature a surprise. As far as you knew, you were just going over to babysit your nephew.

First Rule of Being a Fan of Fight Club Is You Do Not Talk About Being a Fan of Fight Club

Posted on by Dan Rice

Welcome to Fight Club fan club. I see a lot of new faces. Shut up. That means a lot of you have been breaking the first two rules of Fight Club fan club. The First rule of Fight Club fan club is… you do not talk about being a fan of Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club fan club is… you do NOT talk about being a fan of Fight Club.

Seriously, it’s just not a good look.

I know it’s a hard pill to swallow, but Fight Club has not aged all that well. I look around this room and I see a bunch of people who appreciate Fight Club’s anti-capitalism sentiment delivered in the form of an entertaining, mildly cerebral action movie. Then, I look at the internet, and it’s a whole other story.

Do you know who else is a fan of this thing? Libertarians. Men’s rights activists. White guys who say they’re “too smart for therapy.” Let’s just keep this little fandom of ours low key okay? It’s very easy to attract the wrong element here.

Third rule of Fight Club fan club: Do not over-quote Fight Club. If someone ironically calls you “Sir,” references Bob’s bitch tits, or calls themselves Jack’s such and such, the conversation is over.

The fourth rule of Fight Club fan club: One conversation about Fight Club at a time people.

Fifth rule: No shirts… that has Fight Club stuff on them. You might as well be wearing a swastika for all the negative assumptions the average person will make about you wearing a Fight Club t-shirt. Look I’m not happy about it either, okay? It’s just how it is.

The sixth rule of Fight Club fan club: Don’t tell people you read the book. It will not make you seem smarter, because it is not well written. I think we can all agree that Fincher did a lot of the heavy lifting when it came to making that thing entertaining.

And the seventh and final rule of Fight Club fan club: If this is your first time at Fight Club fan club, you have to tell us who you voted for.

Roadie Clearly Only Got Job Because His Father is Roadie Sr.

Posted on by Sara Mellas

VENTURA, Calif. – Inexperienced roadie Rodger Siminek Jr. is fighting accusations that he only got his job as the guitar tech for California surf-grass trio Newt Fire because of his well-connected father, crew members who are sick of listening to him bitch report.

“I grew up on tours, tagging along with my dad who worked as a guitar tech my whole childhood. I always thought he had the coolest job in the world,” the younger Siminek said. “My dad actually urged me to reconsider a life on the road when I first told him it was what I wanted to do. I’ve worked ostensibly hard for everything I’ve gotten, so it’s super annoying when people assume bands only hire me because they know who my father is. Even though he was helpful with the whole ‘it’s not what you know, it’s who you know’ thing.”

Rodger Siminek Sr. is full of pride that his son has chosen to follow in his footsteps.

“Roadie Jr. has wanted to work on tour crews since he was a little kid. He knew how to string a guitar before he knew how to hold a pencil, and over the years has become one of the best in the business. He’s making his old man real proud” said the elder Siminek, wiping a tear from his eye. “And he did it all on his own. The fact that I happen to be extremely influential, respected, and financially stable, has nothing to do with it.”

Adjunct professor Steven Schwarton, who teaches courses in entertainment business practices at Half Sail University (Online), asserts that the media’s recent coverage of nepotism in the entertainment industry is not unfounded.

“It’d be crazy to think having parents who are well-known and well-connected isn’t a significant advantage. Just look at that new merch kid Tommy Shurtz! First gig of his life was heading the merch booth for the Foo Fighters and he’s lined up to tour with Blink-182 next year. Tell me that has nothing to do with being the son of merch legend Big Thomas Shurtz.”

At press time, Roadie was overheard telling a group of doting fans that ‘Mr. Roadie’ is his father, and to please just call him ‘Roadie.’

Punk Builds Time Machine To See Turnstile Before They Were Big

Posted on by Ryan Danley

DENVER — Local punk Cody Dawkins attempted to defy the limits of what humanity knows as a fundamental truth and travel backward through time in order to see hardcore pop sensation Turnstile back when they still played small venues, reported amazed onlookers.

“I’ve loved Turnstile from the start, but I always missed them when they came to town. Next thing I know they’re on a major label and playing Jimmy Fallon. Now, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Go to Coachella or watch them open for Blink-182? I’d rather stick my foot in a garbage disposal. So I did what anyone would do and created a way to travel through time and space,” said Dawkins. “It wasn’t as hard as you might think. I just read a lot about black holes and then was able to hijack a Particle Accelerator from an Eastern European terrorist operation. I attached the whole thing to my buddy’s old tour van. The next thing I knew, I was watching Turnstile at the Charm City Art Space in 2012.”

While Dawkins’s behavior may seem extreme to most, friends aren’t surprised at all.

“Shit, Cody once drove 30 straight hours to catch a Comeback Kid show when the original singer rejoined the group for a tour. The dude is determined,” said lifelong friend and former bandmate Wyatt Bowers. “But I’m beginning to worry. I get messages from him saying he’s been stuck in the past and that he’s seen Turnstile so many times they might get a restraining order against him. He’s even going to shows that he’s already been at. Dude, I hate being ‘that guy’, maybe he could stop his Mom from dying in that car wreck, as opposed to seeing another hardcore band. Just saying.”

Dr. Eric Finney, Professor of Astrophysics at Berkley, is concerned with the long-term effects of intergalactic manipulation for scene cred.

“We have seen a real uprise in the misuse of a temporal anomaly for basically what amounts to punk points. Not only do we have dudes time traveling, but we also have guys cruising the multiverse beating the shit out of the pop-punk and ska versions of themselves from middle school,” said Dr. Finney. “We’re going to have to put a stop to this. We are already seeing fractures in the space-time continuum. And not a single one of these assholes has even killed a young Kid Rock. Fucking posers.”

At press time, Dawkins was busy making sure the younger version of himself didn’t buy that Casualties shirt.

Photo by Matt Gill.