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Milwaukee Metal Fest Imposing Strict 12 Beer Minimum

MILWAUKEE, Wisc. — Organizers of the newly resurrected Milwaukee Metal Fest announced all attendees must adhere to a strict 12 beer minimum upon entering the venue, pregaming ticket holders reported.

“Being this is the grand return of a festival of this magnitude, we want to ensure that we’ve cultivated an environment to induce the ideal amount of headbanging and violence. In order to achieve this, we are requiring festival goers to buy a minimum of twelve beers in order to maintain a safe and fun experience for all,” said concession organizer Todd Lipton. “We think so long as thousands of metalheads are as loaded as possible in a confined space, we can make this the most memorable Metal Fest yet. However, we are willing to let attendees in with a seven beer minimum if they blow a BAC of .10 at the gate.”

Some festival pass holders nearly balked at the idea of imposing such a rule but understood its necessity.

“I dropped a cool $400 without question for the three-day pass, so I was kinda shocked I’d also have to spend at least another $100 on drink tickets when I get there. Though in all fairness I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed a single metal show or album without crushing a six-pack first, so this is a pretty fair deal,” said Chris Eyers. “Plus I’m from the Midwest so this is actually a steal considering my buddies and I would kill a bottle of Jack Daniels before high school football games, so hell yes I’ll blow out my liver to see Napalm Death.”

Milwaukee natives expressed concern over the festival’s return to the area but knew deep down it would be a boon for the economy.

“I never understood the metal scene, and frankly I find it terrifying. I find the indecipherable logos unnerving. But outside of the Brewers, most people don’t pay much attention to our city, so if it gets folks to spend money in our city then I’m all for it. And everyone knows that nearly everything we do here in Wisconsin is best enjoyed when three sheets to the wind,” said lifelong resident Arthur Hendricks. “I just hope there’s less public defecation than the last time the festival was in town. Hard to take the wife polka dancing when the whole town smells like beer shits.”

Additionally, Metal Fest organizers announced that any attendee there to see Crowbar may only enter with a minimum of three ounces of weed on their person.

Photo by Psunderground.