Too poor to go to the bar but still want to damage your insides slowly with distilled poison? Good News! The liquor store is great for such a situation. And you can now make it even better with these secret menu items we painstakingly researched by frequently getting drunk at work. Suck it, our boss!
Ready-made Daiquiris
We hear tell they keep a few under the counter for whenever a hot, recently-divorced aunt comes into the store looking to blow her first alimony check. Just start talking to the cashier about “Downton Abbey” and you’ll be sucking on that sweet banana ice paste in no time.
Whiskey, But Good-Tasting
When most people want whiskey that doesn’t taste like angry ass, they usually look to the top shelf (or in some cases it has, like, its own weird little table). But the best whiskey is actually hidden under the shelving units. That’s right, just start digging and you’ll find that brown gold eventually.
FREE BEER!
You’ll have to run really fast, but if the clerk doesn’t catch you on your sprint past the counter then you’re in the clear. They don’t get paid enough to chase you.
Drugs
Talk to Benny out by the dumpster. He knows a guy.
The Owner’s Cat
The owner doesn’t want the thing and judging from the feline’s feral thousand-yard stare, you can see why. Plus, the adoption center is all the way across town and you still haven’t gotten your mom a birthday present yet – so just offer the owner ten bucks for the cat and try to focus on how the hell you’re gonna drive with this thing zooming around in your car the whole time.
Real Absinthe
If you can’t get the drugs from Benny, supposedly this stuff can get you to trip pretty good. Only problem is you’ll have to talk to Randolph, the snooty assistant manager who only read Kafka and thinks he’s better than you.
MORE FREE BEER!
Okay, you’re gonna need a gun this time.
Soft Seltzers
Did you know they make NON-ALCOHOLIC seltzers now too! Wild, right? They’re in the mixers aisle next to the orange soda and all that healthy shit.
Gin, Served To You by a British Butler
His name is Chives, and he will only serve you if you refuse to make eye contact with him.
A Liver Transplant
The holy grail of the secret menu. To pull this one off you will literally need to have a complete organ shutdown right in the store. After that, you’re just an ambulance ride away from freedom of any responsibility whatsoever. Hooray for profit-focused healthcare!