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Voices in Brian Wilson’s Head Celebrate 60th Year of Telling Him His Car Sucks and He Can’t Surf

LOS ANGELES — The cacophony of voices only audible to Beach Boys legend Brian Wilson today celebrated their 60th year of constantly insulting his car, surfing abilities, and loyalty to his high school, confirmed psychiatric professionals blatantly disregarding patient confidentiality laws.

“It’s an honor to live inside the mind of a true genius,” said one voice, who declined to be identified but sounded suspiciously like Brian Wilson’s authoritarian father Murry. “It’s a further honor that we got to drive some of his best songwriting through our unrelenting psychic torment. Frankly, we should have been inducted into The Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame along with the band. Still, after six decades, we’re just happy to still be touring with the guy and making him feel like a piece of garbage. He’s actually a pretty nice guy when you get to know him, but we can’t let him know that.”

Beach Boy Al Jardine, who has toured with Brian in recent years, noted that the voices, while hurtful, have grown less vicious over the years.

“I’ve personally never heard [the voices], of course,” said Jardine. “Though I think parts of ‘Smile’ sort of captured them. Apparently nowadays some of them just remind Brian to take his blood pressure medication, which is nice, considering the hell they put him through for so long. His cars were never that bad back in the day, but I’m glad he at least got some songs out of trying to prove they were. Definitely a shitty surfer, though. Dude sucked, honestly we all did other than Dennis Wilson. But I guess you can’t have it all.”

Wilson, now 80, reflected on the love-hate relationship he has had with his multiple inner monologues.

“I’m just happy to still be singing these songs and meeting the folks who come to hear them. Sometimes the voices actually help with some of the live shows. They’ll say, you know, ‘hey asshole do the middle part about the girl now’ and that kind of helps me remember where I’m at in the song,” said Wilson. “They also came up with a few t-shirt designs that people seem to like. I have a really nice car now, by the way. It’s the best in school. By far. By far. It’s never been beat.”

As of press time, the voices were taking a ten-minute break before berating Wilson for skipping breakfast again.