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Aging Aerosmith Looking for Young Groupies to Mainly Help with iPhone Updates

BOSTON – Members of the legendary rock band Aerosmith admitted that their desire for young groupies is less about sex and more to do about their need for tech-related help, according to sources waiting for Brad Whitford’s new iOS to install.

“We’re still all about that Rock ‘n’ Roll lifestyle,” stated a confused-looking Steven Tyler after opening his 208th Safari window. “But as we get older we need groupies who can show us how to download the newest software and help us reset our streaming passwords, greater than our need for yet another orgy. We’ve got twenty-five gold records but none of that means shit if we don’t know how to connect to the Hilton’s WiFi network. We love our older groupies but those chicks are generally just as clueless as we are so finding some younger babes is crucial. Sure, love in an elevator is cool but so is figuring out how to silence all those goddamn alarms we accidentally set.”

Young Press Agent Lindsay Dahlberg described an awkward encounter she had with the band.

“I was at a recent show when Joe Perry invited me backstage,” explained Dahlberg. “I went to their dressing room to clarify that I work for their record label and had no intention of hooking up, but was taken aback when they instead just begged me to update their iPads because they couldn’t play Candy Crush anymore. To be honest it would have been much quicker just to dole out a few handies instead of trying to explain to them the ins and outs of modern technology and why they need to quit apps when they aren’t in use. I did get a good laugh though that all of their passwords were ‘Aerosmith’.”

Music historian Gabriel McCurdy explained that the needs of musicians change as they get older.

“When bands like Aerosmith are young the only things that they’re thinking about are getting high and screwing until the break of dawn,” said McCurdy. “But as they age, they prefer to find groupies that can aid them in more practical ways like helping them in and out of their tight leather pants, and showing them how to unsubscribe from the Cialis newsletters that are cluttering up their inbox.”

At press time, the band was seen begging a bachelorette party to come back to their hotel room to help them solve a series of CAPTCHA puzzles so they could book their flights home.