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Nu Metal Dad Has the “A.D.I.D.A.S.” Talk with His Kids

INDIANAPOLIS — Nu metal enthusiast and father of two Brian Michaels finally sat down to have the “A.D.I.D.A.S.” talk with his kids, JNCO-clad sources confirmed.

“There comes a time in every child’s life when their desire to learn and play is overtaken by the urge to fuck hordes of nameless strangers in rapid succession,” Michaels acknowledged while showing off his “Life is Peachy” thigh tattoo and flicking his tongue like a snake. “I want my children’s attitudes about human sexuality shaped by someone as open and sex-positive as Jonathan Davis. Hopefully, the ‘A.D.I.D.A.S.’ talk helps my children feel comfortable with sex and their natural urges because all day I dream about supporting my kids’ emotional development.”

When questioned about her father’s Bakersfield strategy, Jessica Michaels was skeptical the song provided any information she hadn’t already learned from other bands.

“Mom has been playing Deftones for us in the car on the way to school and practice since sixth grade,” the teen daughter admitted while practicing for an upcoming seven-string guitar recital. “Basically, ‘Around the Fur’ and ‘White Pony’ covered all the bases—including drugs and murder—but it was sweet of my dad to read the unedited ‘A.D.I.D.A.S.’ lyrics. You love knowing your parents are willing to have difficult conversations with you even if it requires them to wear a kilt and play slap bass. My parents are always giving wholesome vibes.”

Edgewood Middle School health teacher Dawn Jones confirms that Gen Z students come to her class so prepared that the “A.D.I.D.A.S.” talk is often unnecessary.

“Gone are the days when you could throw on a late ‘90s, early aughts hard rock album and have a healthy conversation about the complex spectrum of human sexuality. I haven’t used my Puddle of Mudd or Buckcherry albums in years,” Jones admitted. “TikTok and Pornhub have given my current students more background knowledge about sex than previous years. There aren’t really any of those funny, awkward question-and-answer sessions after the lesson anymore. The few questions I do get I wouldn’t even repeat in a shop class.”

At press time, Michaels was seen teaching his kids to drive a stick shift with the help of Coal Chamber’s “Big Truck.”