How to Park Your Car Directly on the White Lines to Establish You’re the Alpha at This Trader Joe’s

Posted on by Vince Ratti

Do you command total respect but also enjoy a playful shopping atmosphere while stocking up on quirky pantry items? Are you struggling to showcase your superiority clearly and succinctly to the lesser idiots shopping at the same store as you? Well, we’ve got your back; here’s how to park your car on the white lines to tell the world you OWN this Trader Joe’s.

Have the right accessories
It’s a safe bet that if you have rubber testicles or a vagina featured on the back of your electric/hybrid vehicle, you are already telegraphing your supremacy. But you can upgrade this. Maximize your influence by displaying a gender neutral anus on the rear of your Subaru. We recommend crafting it yourself from reclaimed materials.

Also, having a subwoofer installed will command everyone’s attention and force them to listen to your choice of either The Arcade Fire or The Lumineers.

Find your spot
Look for a space near the store entrance or cart return for prime visibility. Although handicapped spots would be ideal, never park there unless you are handicapped. We may be better than everyone else but we’re not monsters.

It’s time to park
Sure, parking directly on the white line will take up 2 spots and everyone will know you’re a fucking boss, but the most Alpha-est way to park is actually to take up 3 spaces by parking perpendicular to the lines. This move can backfire if you have to parallel park and you can’t do it smoothly, so make sure you practice beforehand. If you are unable to do this with ease, everyone is going to look at you like you’re some helpless Beta who cried to a Hawaiian-clad employee after finding out the agave-sweetened cactus tea we love is discontinued.

Repeat
It’s possible everyone didn’t see you mark your territory, so repeat as many times as needed. You know you’ve successfully dominated those other plebes when they begin to say things like “Do you need help?” and “Are you ok?”

Congratulations, Alpha! We already knew that everyone else can eat your shit but now they know too. You’re probably itching to have a loud conversation on your phone while stocking up on some “everything but the bagel” seasoning, so get inside and don’t forget to find that hidden stuffed animal!

Opinion: Worshiping Satan Used To Mean Something in This Country

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

America is going to hell in a hand-basket, and not in a good way. These kids today don’t care about anything except Tiktok, Fortnite, and how many social media likes they get. You know what they don’t have time for anymore?

Worshiping Satan.

I’m not saying rampant devil worship makes America magnificent, but the world feared us a lot more when we still locked up innocent goth kids in Arkansas for the hell of it. Just saying.

In this age of “inclusion,” and “respect of others,” Lucifer’s followers are welcomed into society with open arms, rather than being exiled on suspicion of sorcery and hexcraft. Remember when everyone thought KISS stood for ‘Knights in Satan’s Service’? Millions of their records were burnt on rumor alone, and KISS wasn’t even evil. Well, evil in a capitalist way, but not the cool kind of evil.

When I was a kid, you would get chained to a radiator for a week if anyone suspected you of occultism. Once I spent an entire summer in the trunk of my dad’s car because he found my copy of Venom’s ‘In League With Satan’ LP. You know what? I turned out just fine.

Sometimes I worry that the Church of Satan is directly to blame. They used to stand for pointy goatees, snappy red suits, and the bubbling sexual charisma of Anton LaVey, but those days are long gone, friends. Now the Church of Satan cares about nothing but pushing the woke liberal agenda, fighting for religious freedom, and roasting conservatives on Twitter.

The country is on the road to ruin, and can only be saved by fully committing to the Son of the Morning himself. No more false Devils, nor phony fallen angels. America needs his infernal majesty more than ever; if only to distract the religious right for a while.

This is what we’ll do. We’ll draw a chalk pentagram over the entire state of Kansas, line it with black candles, and pour salt around the perimeter. Then we’ll buy 50,000 ornate goth knives from the mall, slice our palms over clove cigarette tobacco, and await further instruction from below. Hail Satan!

Local Woman Doesn’t Like Friend Group Enough to Spend $80 at Brunch

Posted on by Rose Eden

LOS ANGELES — Echo Park resident Valerie Roosten reportedly doesn’t like her group of friends enough to justify spending $80 at brunch with them, sources confirmed.

“When I first moved here from Portland I was pretty enthusiastic about finding a new friend group to get wasted with on a Sunday morning,” lamented the 36-year-old software company project manager. “But at the end of the day, watching a bunch of women I don’t actually have that much in common with get hammered to the point of embarrassing themselves in public just doesn’t have the same allure as it used to. Plus, that 80 bucks a week I’ve been spending on brunch will come in handy on all the past due credit card payments I owe.”

Other members of the clique seemed disappointed in Roosten’s absence from brunch.

“Yeah well, nobody really likes Valerie but she’s like, really connected and dresses well so that makes all the group photos look better,” said Chandra Pele before asking the server how many mimosas she’s allowed to order for herself at once. “Everyone’s just trying to network their way to the next level and it’s kind of unrealistic to expect all your friends to actually like you, especially in this economy. Hell, I despise every single person that comes to our weekly brunches, but you don’t see me making a whole thing of it.”

Staff members of the half dozen or so restaurants the group frequents have also noticed the tabs that the self-identifying “girl bosses” have been racking up.

“Our menu prices and especially our drink prices are not the cheapest to begin with,” said Matt Garrison, a server at a popular brunch spot in West Hollywood. “So it’s no sweat off my back when they run up a bill that’s nearly four digits long even though at least one of them is either screaming or falling down drunk within 45 minutes of sitting down. I can’t lie though, I do feel bad for some of them. They always split the bill evenly regardless of who drank what or how much, which has got to get expensive after a while. If they didn’t tip so well, I wouldn’t put up with it but sure enough every three weeks or so I’ll see a party of seven or nine booked in my section and think: cha-ching.”

At press time, Roosten revealed that she also doesn’t like the group of people she does volunteer work with enough to spend a few hours every week helping others.

Matt Skiba Quickly Googles “How to Play Drums” After Travis Barker Surgery News

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Former Blink 182 member Matt Skiba frantically searched “how to play drums” upon news that Travis Barker’s hand surgery would postpone the band’s South American leg of their tour, confirmed sources wishing he would move on.

“I know what everyone is thinking and yeah, you would think after more than 20 years in two high-profile punk bands I’d learn a little bit about playing drums. But that doesn’t matter, because I have about two weeks to learn the difference between a 4/4 and 4/8 time signature or whatever Travis plays. Right now I just have to find the shortest tutorials with the least amount of ads,” said Skiba. “I’d hate for some Chilean Blink fan to be disappointed, plus I’m pretty sure a kick drum is like a guitar pedal, maybe. If I pick up a kit from Guitar Center now I can probably make it back in time for a Zoom practice with Mark and Tom.”

Travis Barker reassured fans and any potential replacements that the tour would proceed as soon as he recovered from surgery.

“No one was looking more forward to this tour than I was but it’s just a minor surgery, so whoever has been calling me from an anonymous number all morning about how realistic ‘Whiplash’ was and if drumming for the Aquabats was easy can knock it the fuck off,“ said Barker. “I’ll make a full recovery, and I’ll also be hiring a food taster to test all my meals for poison before I consume anything. Nobody will replace me, nobody can replace me, anyone who tries will be destroyed.”

Blink 182’s tour manager ultimately made the decision to postpone the dates in order to maintain the integrity of the core lineup, in spite of offers from multiple potential stand-ins.

“We’ve been building the hype for the return of the Tom, Mark, and Travis show, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to hire a temporary drummer when we’re charging $200 a ticket for nosebleed seats. I know Skiba has been trying to contact us, along with the guys from Angels and Airwaves. We’re not budging,” said band manager Chris Georggin. “Matt was a great addition to the band when Tom left to chase UFOs, but unless he can have Google implant drum signatures in his break and then marry a Kardashian in the next ten days, he can sit this one out.”

At press time, the band admitted that they did reach out to original drummer Scott Raynor about filling in for Barker, however Raynor declined as he was too busy beating up loitering teens as a member of the San Diego police department.

Nerd Bassist to Be Fired if He Refers to Band as “A Fellowship” One More Time

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

MERRILL, Ore. — Frustrated members of skatepunk band Hamstring are reportedly only giving their bassist one more chance to stop referring to the band as “a fellowship,” sources close to the group confirmed.

“It’s tough not letting it slip! There are too many similarities between the Hamstring dynamic and the one found in Tolkien’s writings! I’m honestly surprised that the rest of the fellowsh—I mean, uh, BAND doesn’t see it as well,” said bassist Vorton Mopes. “Reggie, the guitarist, gets the most mad at me, but I keep telling him he’s the Gandalf of the fellowship! Who wouldn’t want to be the Gandalf? I know I’m just a humble Samwise, but I feel he should be honored.”

Band members report wanting to distance themselves from the potentially reputation-damaging association with science fiction and fantasy.

“I’m sorry, but I just don’t go in for that geek shit. Vorton’s a great bass player, but he needs to keep all that Dungeons and Dragons stuff out of his mouth when he’s doing press. You’d think he’d listen to me since I’m the ‘Grandpalf’ or whoever he is,” said frontman Reggie Randazzi. “We’re a band, man. I’d even take ‘group’ or ‘outfit’…but ‘fellowship’ just kinda reminds me of my parents calling our gigs ‘recitals.’ I just can’t stomach it.”

Scene legend Shane “Buzzsaw” Frenette lamented that “band” is too narrow a definition for what the collective really is.

“I wouldn’t be too hasty in shrugging off the idea of calling your band a fellowship. I’m sure this Reggie kid will see the light when he’s on tour and everyone in the group has to unite their respective powers to defeat a dragon, or get to the end of a haunted labyrinth,” said Frenette. “Just like my band did back in the eighties. That was one hell of a Philly show. That’s what made the fellowship scene so great back then. Sleeping on floors, playing our tunes, and forging swords we’ll pass down to our worthy sons and daughters when the twilight of our elder years befalls us. I dunno, that’s just rock ‘n roll to me.”

At press time, Mopes specifically booked Hamstring an all ages show in Mordor, to hopefully prove his point.

Dominatrix Makes Sub Break In Her Doc Martens

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEW YORK — Local dominatrix Angela Jones is parading her sub around while he wears her Doc Martens in order to break in the notoriously difficult leather boots, stunned but impressed onlookers report.

“My sub Mark and I have been in a slump lately. I mean, you can only make someone clean your toilet with their head so many times before it gets old. The other day I took a walk to clear my head and I didn’t get more than half a block before my ankles started chafing, and that’s when I realized my new platform Docs would be better broken in by feet more deserving of punishment,” said Jones while threateningly caressing a riding crop. “I’ve been making him break in all my boots now. It’s really taken our relationship to the next level, but more importantly, I need those puppies comfortable enough in time for the Ultra Music Festival.”

Mark Larsson was more than willing to make life easier for his mistress at the expense of his own physical well being.

“I’d do anything for her, mostly because I get off on it. Granted, she has a pair to match each of her latex outfits, so I have a lot of work ahead of me. But I could not be happier to cram my feet into heeled boots that are three sizes too small. It builds character and strengthens our bond,” said Larsson as he changed his bandages. “People ask me why I do it, and I just smile and tell them it’s because I’m a little bitch boy who constantly disappoints his mistress. This still beats the time she made me be a human table for three days straight, though.”

Designers at Dr. Martens were surprised to hear that it took this long to discover the best method of wearing their boots.

“We’ve always felt those grueling first few weeks of wearing our products has been the price of admission for being in the alternative scene. But frankly, the concept of having someone break in a stiff pair of 1460’s for you is probably the most ideal way to do it,” said Creative Director Cynthia Perkins. “In fact, there’s a whole gig economy on Craigslist full of people who’ll wear our shoes for a few bucks a week to get them nice and soft. If they also get some kind of sexual gratification out of it, then why not smack two asses with one paddle?”

As of press time, Jones was seen making Larsson wear a second pair on his hands and walking him by a leash on all fours in order to speed up productivity.

We Sat Down with a Rockabilly Band and Now We’re in the Middle of a High-Stakes Drag Race With Nothing to Lose Daddio

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Rockabilly is the true sound of real American rebellion, the greasy-haired, reverb-heavy music that makes you want to ignore all the bad things about the 1950s like segregation and constant fear of nuclear annihilation and just have a good time.

We sat down with Deuce and the Bad Time Boys, a rockabilly group who truly live the lifestyle of their rock n’ roll forefathers, and now we’re in the passenger seat of a badass 1957 T-Bird and, daddio, we’re in a high-stakes drag race with the devil-may-care swagger of a man with nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Before just this moment, we had never heard of Deuce and the Bad Time Boys’ biggest rival, a cheesed-up gang of greasers called the Royal Rock’Its from Nowheresville, USA, but now we hate them more than anyone we have ever hated in the history of the world.

When we faced off at the starting line of this drag race in a weird, featureless open-air concrete structure, we looked over at the Royal Rock’Its and, daddio, we were ready to cream that bunch of talentless kookies and their grody excuse for a screamer.

Wait, what’s a screamer? God, this is terrifying, we are going so fast, and we don’t know why we’re standing up in the back seat and throwing stuff at the other car.

This is so fucking dangerous, but baby, we got nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Holy shit, the Royal Rock’Its have huge metal spikes on the hubcaps of their wheels. Is that allowed? That seems like it should not be allowed, especially if they’re going to use them to deliberately swerve into us and like, car-stab us.

Okay, now we just turned 180 degrees in an electrifying move by Deuce, who’s the meanest cat who ever put a pick to a six-string, and it appears that we are heading back to where we started. Also, that hot lady who told us to start driving by waving her scarf seems to have disappeared. We’re probably going to die soon.

Put the pedal to the metal, Deuce! Rockabilly forever!

Review: The Callous Daoboys “Celebrity Therapist”

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Each week The Hard Times looks over the crop of current artists and decides whether to make or break their career with one of our reviews. This week we look at “Celebrity Therapist” the sophomore full-length from The Callous Daoboys.

As the Hard Times resident genre expert/gatekeeper, I eagerly volunteered my services to review the latest from The Callous Daoboys. After all, the Atlanta six-piece are known for their adventurous sound and I’m known for inventing the term “industrial pisscore.”

As the opening track (“Violent Astrology”) haphazardly lurched its way through various time changes and tonal shifts, I quickly realized this was no ordinary mathcore album. It was clear the band would be incorporating liberal doses of nu-metal, jazz, and even West Coast rap. Also, I was pretty sure I could make out some backmasked Hungarian chanting and the sound of someone signing into AOL 3.0.

Still, it’s been done before, hasn’t it? Many bands have made careers mashing up subgenres and experimenting with form. Look no further than Korn’s magnificent dubstep album, or that time Avenged Sevenfold released their own line of chardonnay. Did it decimate my sperm count? Sure, but I still admired the bold provocation of it.

But, moving on to songs like “Beautiful Dude Missile” and “Title Track,” I was relieved the Daoboys weren’t merely delivering another deconstructed metalcore album. No, you see, “Celebrity Therapist” is far more ambitious. In fact, it seemed to travel through time itself, moving from post-hardcore to hardcore to pre-hardcore. By the album’s conclusion, I didn’t even know what the fuck a guitar was anymore.

Refusing to be constrained by previously identified genres, the Daoboys appeared to shatter the very expectations of music as an auditory experience. Was I reviewing a metal album, or watching an 80s buddy cop action movie? Was this a transgressive masterpiece, or an established part of the Shondaland metaverse? Was I listening to music, or suffering some sort of stroke? Who’s to say?

Still, enough can be enough. By the time the album closer (“Star Baby“) came around, I was wondering just how many times the band could subject us to a pulverizing breakdown followed by the stirring harmonies of the Harlem Boys Choir. If you ask me, even once was pushing it. Yet, I had to appreciate the audacity of “Celebrity Therapist,” even if I hated listening to it. Sometimes that’s what being a music critic is all about.

Score: 512 out of 534 Mike Pattons

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Crowd Suspicious of Folk Punk Band With Perfect Teeth

Posted on by Zach Hudson

LINCOLN, Neb. — Showgoers watching supposed folk punk band One Eyed Paul & The Picket Line perform voiced their suspicions about the group’s credibility due to the fact that all eight members have picture perfect smiles and very good hygiene in general, confirmed suspicious sources.

“They sound good and everything, but the fact they all smell freshly showered makes me believe they are a bunch of posers,” said fan Shane “Scuz” Finnigan. “They all claim they used to be vagabonds and ride around on trains and stuff, but I’ve never met a single vagabond with all of their teeth, let alone eight of them who all have 32 shiny, perfect ones. None of them have even lit up on stage, and none of them have any stick and poke face tattoos. I love their music but this is bullshit.”

Members of the band were quick to shoot down any accusations against their legitimacy.

“Judging someone’s appearance isn’t very punk rock, but if we are judging based on appearances, every single person at our show looks questionable if you ask me,” said accordion, washboard, and trombone player Caitlin “Spoon” Wilks. “Just because we all chain-smoke, sleep on the ground, and drift from town to town doesn’t mean we can’t practice good oral hygiene and use Crest 3D White Strips. And the audience tonight could learn a thing or two about that. We love our fans but based on the looks of some of them we’re gonna start selling toothbrushes at the merch table.”

Local dentist and live music enthusiast Scott Sturgil, who was also in attendance, sided with other showgoers questioning the band’s legitimacy.

“They have all absolutely had work done, no doubt about it. You don’t get teeth that straight without years of braces or aligners,” said Sturgil. “I used to work at a free clinic, I’ve worked on plenty of former folk punk musicians and people who live a vagabond lifestyle, and their teeth are usually stinky little brown nubs. So between that and the fact that they all clearly know how to play their instruments well, yes, my official stance is that they are posers.”

Sources who attended the show reported that after their set, they saw the band sneaking back to a brand new Mercedes tour van that didn’t have a single sticker on it, further confirming their suspicions.

We Are the Granddaughters of the Witches You Couldn’t Burn and We’re Holding You Responsible for Our Therapy Bills

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

The patriarchy has always tried to destroy what it does not understand. For millennia, the ignorant in society have attempted to destroy those close to the rhythms of nature. Those who hold the knowledge that eludes science. The witchy women who know how to convene with the forces of nature and also how to craft the perfect passive-aggressive comment about your outfit that will hex you with anxiety for the rest of the afternoon.

We are the granddaughters of the witches you could not burn. We are the outspoken. We are the out-cast. Most importantly, we are the out-of-pocket payers for our mental health needs, for which we demand to be compensated.

You tried to scoff at ancient wisdom, the medicine of the Earth, and the voices of the winds themselves. In your arrogance, you chose heartless doctors over midwives of empathy. For centuries, you chose the words of misogynistic medicine men over the intuition of your mothers. Given all that, it seems like you could have been more comprehensive in recognizing the universal need for non-physical healthcare. We were correct in our beliefs about the health of the spirit and its need for care. So at the very least, let our sessions count towards our deductible.

Seriously, talk to Dr. Sheila, who we have seen twice a week for fifteen years. She can tell you how holistic medicine and ancestral wisdom are great, but that there is no replacement for seeing a mental health professional. By the way, here is Dr. Sheila’s payment portal information.

Alternatively, you could have just burned all the suspected witches when you had the chance. Then maybe our grandmothers wouldn’t have been alive to criticize us every chance they got. It would have saved us a Hell of a lot of co-pays.