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If You Didn’t Want Me to Open Bottles With My Wedding Ring, You Shouldn’t Have Married Me

Hey, babe. We need to clear the air. There’s been a lot of tension between us lately and I think I know why. I’ve noticed you bracing yourself every time I grab a fresh bottle of Miller Lite from the fridge. I see you cringing when I slide one of those bottles along my ring finger and crack it open with a flick of my wrist, looking as cool as my ice-cold beverage. Frankly, if you didn’t want me to use my wedding ring to open beer bottles, you shouldn’t have gotten married to me.

You knew what you were getting into when you agreed to marry me, babe. I’m a free spirit. But I’m also down to earth. I’m not gonna pay for some fancy magnet bottle opener or hang a heavy chunk of metal from my keys just so I can uncap a brewski. Not when I’ve got a multifunction tool wrapped around my finger that’s easily accessible at all times. A tool that you gave me, I might add.

It’s not like I was keeping this a secret. I talked about my intentions at the jewelry store when we picked out our rings. I said, “I want this one right here, with the pointy parts. It’ll be super easy to open bottles with this ring.” You and the salesman laughed and, in hindsight, I realize you weren’t appreciating my keen eye for practicality. In any case, I was never anything less than honest and forthcoming with you so you can’t be mad at me now.

Plus, I shelled out for the extended warranty. Even if this thing shatters while I’m popping open some suds, I can just get a new one. I know you say that it’s supposed to be an eternal symbol of our undying love but, babe, no matter what happens to this ring our love will always be there. Just like there’s always beer in the fridge.

That reminds me. Babe, make sure you get beer when you go to the store tomorrow. We’re running pretty low.