NAMPA, Idaho — Conservative dad David Olmstead vowed to protect his children from drag shows as well as apparently play dates, dentist appointments, school events, and Disneyland, according to sources close to the family.
“It has no artistic value and results in long-term cognitive damage,” said Olmstead, handing his youngest a PS5 controller. “If my kids want to watch an adult-oriented show, they can watch me crush this case of Miller High Life, and get the high score on skeeball downtown at the bar-cade. They’re too young to know what they want, whether that be drag queen story hour or me showing up to their birthday. Whenever that is.”
Drag became a hot-button issue this year when Tennessee became the first state to ban performances on public property, prompting activists on both sides to speak out.
“I thought this town would be flattered to have a drag scene,” said drag queen Sack Rilegious. “This shithole just got an Urban Outfitters two years ago. It reminds me of when Del Taco opened in this area and people protested because they were afraid of the type of customer ‘ethnic food’ would attract. If you don’t like drag shows, don’t go. You don’t see me spending my time protesting intramural frisbee clubs and SantaCon pub crawls.”
While many consider drag to be an artistic expression of love, queerness, and music that ought to be protected under the first amendment, conservative lawmakers remain indignant that passing a ban on drag is a crucial step toward regaining America’s white picket fence days.
“I don’t hate drag, I just dispassionately dislike it and it makes me want to throw up,” said GOP legislator Jeff Hogan. “Why would I waste my children’s time taking them to a drag show when they could be home playing Candy Crush, reading the second amendment, or watching me and my wife throw plates at each other after dinner? The only thing worse than drag is books, and they’ve somehow managed to combine the two. Well not on my watch.”
At press time, Olmstead was seen not taking his kids out for ice cream followed by not reading them a bedtime story.