Son, It’s Time We Talk About the Birds and the Bees but Not Too Loudly Because They’re Government Surveillance Drones

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Hey bud. Can we talk a minute? I think you’re old enough where we can talk man to man about something everyone at your age should know about. Let’s keep our voices down though because I need to talk to you about the birds and the bees. Particularly about how they’re actually government surveillance drones. Also, close those shades.

Now I’m sure they’ve already told you about this in school, but it’s important you hear this from your father. They haven’t?! Looks like just another case of tax dollars not going to education, but instead to the shadow government that controls this country. This is exactly why I’ve been telling your mother you should’ve been home-schooled. Oh, and keep your voice down so she doesn’t hear this either. She’s been in a real “mood” lately.

I’ll break it down for you as simply as I can: when a man and woman love each other very much, the man removes all pollinating plants and trees from his property to prevent government spy drones disguised as insects and migratory birds from monitoring his personal political views. I don’t think that’s too difficult to wrap your mind around. By your age, you should be mature enough to handle learning how the world works.

I do realize this is a lot to take in. I too once thought the world’s flora and fauna were that of the natural world. But the truth is all of America’s birds were slowly swapped out with robot lookalikes who surveil our every move, while the bees plant tracking devices in our yard. I know it sounds like a stretch but it’s laid out clearly in that pamphlet that was left on our car at Kroger.

Listen, do you hear that? It’s chirping! They’re right outside pinging our location. That golden finch came straight out of an NSA black site. And to think your mother was complaining when I spent all that money on pigeon spikes for the house instead of fixing the plumbing.

Alright, new plan kiddo. From here on out we communicate with hand signals. I don’t think they’ve mastered ASL yet. Let’s head down to the basement and after we kill all the Obama-controlled ants down there, we can continue this discussion. I love you, son.

Dietary Restrictions Explained to Parents for 15th Time Today

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

PLATTSBURGH, N.Y. – Local graduate student Andi Engler recently explained her dietary restrictions to her parents for a record-breaking 15 times in a single visit, sources who don’t know how to make this any more clear report.

“I swear to God dude, every time we see each other, they ask about what I eat like I haven’t said it a thousand times. It’s no meat, no dairy. I’m not even a real vegan,” said an exasperated Engler. “Within literally the same day my mom will ask if I’m ‘gluten-free now’ and then offer a hamburger with cheese for dinner. The answer is no to both of these. It’s not hard to remember. This has been my diet for eight years at this point, but honestly, I’m tempted to just throw that all away and eat the frozen IKEA meatballs my dad just got me as ‘a gift’ to make things easier.”

Engler’s mother Joanne offered her side of the story.

“Now, before you judge me for being old-school or something like that, you have to realize that Andi has always been a bit wishy-washy,” said Mrs. Engler while Googling keto-friendly recipes for some reason. “I just can’t keep up with all her changes. Every time we speak she’s doing something new with her dietary restrictions. I’m trying to be supportive and make accommodations, I really am, but at some point, she’s got to realize that her father and I are going to need a written notice of exactly what she can and can’t eat before she comes over for dinner.”

Alan Flemming, a nutritionist, weighed in with his expertise regarding this parent-child relationship.

“Ah, yes, this is certainly a known syndrome,” Flemming said while subtly tapping the cover of his own book. “Even if the child’s diet in question is very simple, and in fact is simpler than one of the parents who refuses to eat vegetables and anything ‘processed,’ the parent will without fail be completely incapable of remembering said diet. The child could literally tattoo LACTOSE INTOLERANT onto their forehead and they still wouldn’t get it. But I’m not hopeless about the future. More and more young people are becoming vegan, and as millennials themselves become parents, we may see a shift. I just pray that the young adults of tomorrow stop doing the meat-only thing and that Jordan Peterson’s cursed influence is truly a thing of the past.”

At press time, Engler was seen writing the very notice that her mother requested in triplicate.

Woman Awakens From Coma With Ability to Understand Converge Vocals

Posted on by Tim Graham

STILLWATER, Okla. — Local woman Jenny Cassavetes was suddenly able to understand words sung by Converge vocalist Jacob Bannon after regaining consciousness from a two-week coma, according to stunned sources among the hospital staff.

“My boyfriend brought a Bluetooth speaker to the rehab so we could listen to music while I was recuperating,” said the convalescing Cassavetes. “He put on Converge and I was like, ‘Wow, I can actually understand what he’s saying.’ I love Converge, but usually the vocals just sound like a dyspeptic sea lion barking into a 55 gallon drum. It’s pretty cool to actually hear the words and know what Bannon is singing about. It’s not just Converge, either. I’m now able to understand garbled lyrics from all kinds of heavy bands. You’d be surprised at how poetic Lightning Bolt’s lyrics actually are.”

Gordon Stuckman, owner of extreme music label Rat Dick Records, reached out to Cassavetes to offer her a job transcribing lyrics from obscure metal and hardcore releases that the label plans to reissue.

“A big problem with reissuing old, out of print albums is that sometimes the lyrics are unintelligible, so there’s no way to include a lyrics sheet,” said Stuckman from somewhere behind a desk piled high with records. “Cassavetes has demonstrated an uncanny talent to decipher the most guttural of utterances. We have a huge backlog of old black metal, grind, and power violence recordings that we need help with.”

Neurologist Dr. Kip Berger explained that while rare, what happened to Cassavetes is not without precedent.

“We’ve all heard stories about someone waking up from a coma and being able to spontaneously speak German, for example,” said Dr. Berger. “But sometimes we encounter music-related cases like Ms. Cassavetes’. I once had a patient come to me with the remarkable ability to understand what The Fall’s Mark E. Smith was prattling on about. Recently, I read about a case where an Indonesian man could name every Guided By Voices release—including Robert Pollard solo projects—after being struck on the head with a coconut.”

At press time, Cassavetes was spotted having a nice conversation with Shane MacGowan, seemingly being able to understand every word The Pogues’ frontman was slurring.

We Sat Down With an Electric Skateboarder to Ask Why He Doesn’t Like Having Sex

Posted on by Dom Turek

Have you ever been pushing around on a regular skateboard and thought, “I wish I could eliminate all sex appeal from skating while maintaining the risk of grave physical injury?” Well, you might want to read on because we risked being seen with electric skateboarder, James Baumber, to find out why he chose this lifestyle over sex.

The Hard Times: Thanks for sitting down with us. Did someone give you the wrong time? You’re two hours early.

James Baumer: No, the Evolve V3 all-terrain e-board gets me from point A to point B pretty quickly. Sometimes too quickly.

How fast were you going? There are a bunch of bugs splattered on your wrap-around sunglasses.

She goes about 40 mph, but if I add a second motor I can probably get her up to 42.

Cool. Some people feel skating is as much an art form as it is a sport. Do you feel electric skateboards cheapen skate culture?

If skating on wheels that look like they belong on a Hasbro Tonka truck cheapens the scene, then yeah, lock me up. If getting to CVS in two minutes flat with the wind in my hair and not a single solitary woman glancing in my direction cheapens the “culture,” I’m guilty as charged. Just because it has the maneuverability of a kayak doesn’t mean it lacks the capabilities of a classic board.

If you possess the qualities that allow a person to skate, like balance and fearlessness, why don’t you just ride a regular skateboard and get laid?

What do you mean? I literally do IT all the time.

What do you mean by “it?”

You know, S-E-X. Honk her boobs, kiss the top of her head where her hair parts. Blow on the clitoris. All the normal stuff sex-having guys like me do.

When was the last time you had sex?

This morning.

What’s her name?

George Glass.

We ended the interview there as it was getting too sad. Not only was Mr. Baumber the least sexually appealing person on Earth at this point, but his fictional partner was a gender-swapped 50-year-old reference, making it likely that he doesn’t interact with anyone at all.

Schrödinger’s Uncle Both World War II Buff and Holocaust Denier

Posted on by Tom K

BOSTON — Local uncle Harvey Sumwade amassed national attention after gaining prominence for his encyclopedic knowledge of World War II while also being a staunch Holocaust denier, embarrassed relatives confirmed.

“I’ve never been the type of person to just believe whatever I read. And all these books, documentaries, and first-hand accounts of the Holocaust seem suspect. Any amount of agreement between that many people is a conspiracy,” said Sumwade while putting the finishing touches on a North American B-25B Mitchell model airplane. “But I know a lot of people who agree with me because I stick to the facts. Hitler was an idiot and dangerously unfit for office. Among his greatest blunders was falling for Operation Bodyguard. Allies were never going to invade Pas-de-Calais and everyone knew it. The blood of millions of Germans are on his hands…soldiers, that is.”

Sumwade’s nephew, who prefers to remain anonymous, commented on the complicated relationship with his soon-to-be-estranged uncle.

“It’s objectively incredible how much he can recall about global conflict in the 20th century,” said the young man. “It’s even more incredible how all that knowledge can be expertly coerced around such trash takes. My uncle will tell you any little thing that happened in that time period except the one big thing that everybody knows happened, and changed the world’s demographics for generations to come. It’s scientifically fascinating; his existence is conceptually impossible, yet surprisingly common in his age range.”

Recent research from The Institute for Insufferable Geriatrics has noted an alarming epidemic of “Early-Onset Holocaust Denial” in otherwise healthy and insightful World War II buffs.

“The IIG advises all tertiary relatives of susceptible individuals to be on the lookout for warning signs. What may start as simple attention-seeking behavior like saying ‘I’m sure some people died, but the numbers don’t add up’ may progress into a full-on contrarian assholery driven by appropriated culture war rhetoric,” said Community Outreach Coordinator Blake Wilson. “When most people stopped giving a shit about World War II history disenfranchised aficionados were forced to come to terms with their reduced role in society. Subsequently, their brains deal with the rejection by subconsciously planting the seeds for history to repeat itself, thereby granting themselves a renewed purpose. The fastest way to do that? Holocaust denial.”

Critics of Sumwade’s message have labeled it “wildly miscalculated,” “dangerous,” and “borderline senile,” to which he responds “the more I repeat it, the more I believe it—Winston Churchill.”

“The Last of Us” VFX Artist Cites Uncle’s Fucked Up Toe as Inspiration

Posted on by Tim Graham

LOS ANGELES — Lance Martinez, VFX artist for “The Last of Us” cited his uncle’s notoriously disgusting toe as inspiration for the hit show’s fungal-infected zombies, according to nauseated sources.

“I was too chicken to ask my Uncle Glenn if I could study his fungus-riddled toe for the show, so I offered to come by under the pretense of chatting about the 2020 election,” said Martinez. “I brought over a case of Keystone and some really salty pretzels. He leaned back in his La-Z-Boy, and my quarry was in sight—all I had to do was wait. After a couple hours of him draining beers and rambling about the Deep State, he finally passed out. I managed to get some great macro shots of his hideous digit. My art director nearly vomited when I showed him.”

Martinez’s uncle eventually found out about the scheme when HBO asked him to sign a release form before the show aired.

“I don’t know why Lance didn’t ask me up front,” said Glenn Martinez while soaking his feet in a vinegar solution. “I’m actually proud that my toe inspired all that cool zombie apocalypse shit. It’s a great show, too. I really identified with that Bill character. At least until… well, you know. Anyhow, I told Lance I’ve got a ton of other unexplained infections happening on or inside my body that he might be interested in using. I sent him a picture of my pilonidal cyst but he hasn’t gotten back to me yet.”

UC Berkeley mycologist Susan Ward said that she and her colleagues are excited about the interest their field is receiving as a result of the show’s success.

“We mycologists don’t often get a lot of attention. When we do, it’s usually just Vice asking about psilocybin again ” said Ward as she studied something revolting under her microscope. “I’m always trying to raise awareness of the danger of fungal foot infections as a vector for more serious disease. I’d argue that the premise of ‘The Last of Us’ would work just as well—if not better—if the fungal plague originated with mutated toe fungus rather than tainted flour. They could show, like, a scene of some guy’s toenail clipping flying into someone’s salad, and that starts it all.”

At press time, Martinez was collecting photos of Shane McGowan’s mouth to reference for the creature in the upcoming “Malignant” sequel.

BREAKING: Your Back After That Failed Kickflip

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

LOS ANGELES — After an ambitious attempt at a simple flatground kickflip, it appears that you have absolutely broken your back, sources wincing sympathetically confirm.

“Oh, Jesus Christ, oh my god, I think I broke or sprained something,” you moaned in pain while rolling around on the unforgiving asphalt covered in tree sap and bird shit. “Fuck me, okay, no I’m totally fine, I just—I just gotta shake it off. It’s uh, been a minute since I went out to skate and I’m a little bit rusty. I’m not 23 anymore, apparently. I figured I’d at least have some muscle memory and not completely fucking eat shit on my first attempt, but I guess I was wrong. And worst of all, an unbelievably gorgeous woman totally saw me beef it. God dammit, I’m going to be on the couch for a week after this.”

The ethereally beautiful bystander gave her record of events.

“I was walking by, the wind blowing through my luscious black hair, looking utterly otherworldly and deeply pretty as always, when I heard this horrible crash and a grunt of pain,” Elena Marquez said, looking genuinely concerned. “I looked over and saw the wreckage, this fully-grown adult in beat-up sneakers, writhing on the ground while their skateboard rolled away. At first, I thought they had been mugged by skateboarding teens, but then I realized they were actually attempting to skateboard at such an advanced age. I felt really bad, so I went over to check on them, and was waved off with a gruff ‘I’m good, I’m totally fine,’ even though I’m almost certain they were quietly dialing for an ambulance.  I was already running late for my first modeling photo shoot of the day, so I needed to get going.”

Dr. Alan Wakefield, an ER doctor, provided his expert insight into recent accidents like yours.

“These aging punks really think they’re invincible,” Wakefield said while reviewing his back-to-back stack of patient charts for the afternoon. “You wouldn’t believe how many folks in their late 30s I get in here with sprained ankles, slipped discs, dislocated shoulders, you name it. I actually am considering getting a distributor deal for the hospital for knee braces with Toy Machine stickers already on them for the older skateboard crowd. I give out like, 15 of those a week.”

At press time, you were realizing you don’t have health insurance and decided to treat your back injury with a bag of frozen peas instead.

What the Fuck: This Guy Is Listening to the Mountain Goats While Lifting

Posted on by Charles Bill

Normally the gym is a place for quiet contemplation and self-improvement, but this time I left utterly confused. This enormous lunk across from me is clearly listening to the Mountain Goats while power-lifting and I’m befuddled.

He first caught my attention by aggressively grunting “I’m gonna make it through this deadlift if it kills me,” and then lifted 400 pounds like it was nothing. The weird thing is he was definitely listening to ‘Arguing With the Ghost of Peter Laughner About His Coney Island Baby Review’ while doing that lift.

This man mountain then walked over to the squat rack and asked the lady using it if she had ever heard of Chavo Guerrero and then started doing burpees before she even had the chance to respond.

This man is a true wild card. Is he cool? Is he insane? Is he dangerous? I honestly don’t know how to exist around this person right now.

I swear to God I saw this guy was benching three plates and screaming about his step-father on each press up. Must be listening to The Sunset Tree. I could understand blasting your biceps to The Decemberists, at least they have a consistent rhythm sometimes, but this motherfucker is lifting to some whiny off-tempo acoustic bullshit.

He’s talking to the gym staff now about how John Darnielle cut a lyric from ‘No Children’ about hoping he takes too much creatine and gets diarrhea. How would he have gotten that inside scoop? Is this guy John Darnielle? I’ll Google Photos it. Ok he’s not.

He’s fully pounding his protein shake and getting it all over his Goths t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. I’m honestly scared of this mound of muscle, if his shuffle hits on something hype like ‘The Best Ever Death Metal Band Out Of Denton’ he might kill everyone in this Planet Fitness.

He left for a while and everyone in the gym relaxed a bit, but I knew we were in for trouble when he came back wearing a wrestling leotard. I walked out of the gym right as he started declaring himself the ‘middle-weight champ of all Mexico’ and demanding people try to pin him.

Review: The Locust “New Erections”

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

Each week the Hard Times tries to take a look back at a classic album. We really, really try. This week we attempted to review The Locust’s “New Erections,” but unfortunately my parents got a look at the album title before I could throw it on to listen.

Despite my protests, and my repeated reminders that I’ve been getting pretty good marks in all my classes this semester, and I called Grandma the other day WITHOUT being asked, they confiscated my copy of “New Erections” before I even got to listen to it, this isn’t fair.

Not only that but get this: later on I heard them cranking the album in their room behind closed doors. They liked it so much that they started a Locust tribute act called Cicada Swarm that has a gig this Friday. But, the downside is I can’t get in to see it because the bar freakin’ cards. I figured, ah well, at least I can hear them rehearse so I can absorb some of the music and crank out a review, but get this…they decided the Locust was too mainstream a choice of cover act, so they went deeper and only do Holy Molar songs now. They only released one album! And, on top of everything else they ask to borrow MY synthesizer I bought with MY birthday money for the gig. The gall. The absolute unmitigated gall.

I swear, I’m out of here the minute I get my license. Then I can listen to whatever I want on the car radio. I’ll call up my local classic rock station and request “Book of Bot” or “We Have Reached An Official Verdict: Nobody Gives A Shit” and ‘Rockin’ Ron Delasquez say “Oh yeah, off 2007’s New Erections? The ANTI records classic? You got it, little buddy! I’ll slap that on after Come Sail Away finishes! Rock on!” And he’ll pump it onto the airwaves free of charge. I’ll be living the good life, I will.

But until then, it’s just your classic, evergreen “my parents play in an obscure Justin Pearson side project cover band, that’s still confusingly named after his main band, and are borrowing my synthesizer for it but won’t let me hear anything because the name of the album they caught me with by them was a little dirty” situation. When you list it all out like that, I guess it’s just normal teenager problems.

Parents! Can’t live with ‘em, can’t introduce them to late aughts noise rock!

Score: 13/13 possible Holy Molar tracks to learn, they’re gonna have to banter between songs so much!

/**/

Worker Who Dropped Lunch at Pressing Plant Inadvertently Creates Limited Edition Egg Salad-Swirl Vinyl Variant

Posted on by Chris Bowen

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Local vinyl pressing plant employee John Rolland pressed a limited-edition “egg salad vinyl” version of Last Ritual’s debut LP after dropping his lunch into the machinery, several hungry sources report.

“Once chow time hit, I decided to go above and beyond and run the press while I huffed down my lunch to make up for lost time after being on the can for 25 minutes,” vinyl press operator John Rolland said. “When I went to take the first bite of my delicious egg salad sandwich, I looked down and realized I was holding two pieces of rye bread while the rest of my lunch splattered all over the wax. Times are tough, so I decided not to throw out the material, and if you ask me, I think it looks pretty badass. I’m super hungry now, though, and hoping my boss doesn’t ride my ass about sound quality.”

Jess Streiner, singer of Last Ritual, was pleasantly surprised, but still confused by the accident.

“When we got the LPs from the pressing plant, the first thing we noticed was the foul stench and abundance of flies around the box,” Streiner explained. “When we opened it, we realized we were missing 10 limited white with blue marble swirl records. Instead there were 10 black and putrid green ones. Sure, they aren’t what we ordered, but we think the idea of a limited ‘smells-like-rotting-ass’ color choice adds character to our record. But I’ll be honest, I have no idea how these are gonna sell.”

Audiophile and avid record collector George Eastman says there is a rich history of food-related LP variations.

“If there’s two things record collectors love, it’s records and food,” Eastman explained as he opened up a fresh pizza box. “So naturally, the food-infused vinyl record is the pinnacle of art and culture. A lot of greats have had special variants–for example, Roy Orbison’s 1989 classic ‘Mystery Girl’ was just reissued in ‘BBQ baked bean’ splatter because apparently the Big O lived on that stuff. A loving tribute, really.”

At press time, Last Ritual was seen holding their noses and giving away their new LPs to a local dumpster.