You may have made it through another week, but have you made it through the most important news stories from the last seven days? If not, you’re in luck.
Punk Running Out of Social Distortion Records to Play While Hanging Out With Mechanic Neighbor
PALM BEACH, Fla. — The Chair of the Sunbeam Ridge Homeowners’ Association Committee On Livability and Neighborhood Aesthetics once again ordered Glenn Danzig to remove his unseasonal Halloween decorations, persnickety sources confirmed.
“October is over, and Mr. Danzig’s spooky little ghouls and skeletons clearly violate HOA Bylaws section 3, subsection H, paragraph 4, line 6, clause 2,” complained Chair Beverly Anderson. “Normally, I can enforce the rules by giving people dirty looks or calling them ugly and poor on Nextdoor, but this guy doesn’t seem to give a shit what anyone says about him. Instead, I’m forced to write this fastidious 17-page letter threatening financially devastating lawsuits, and his response was simply ‘my lawyers will beat the shit out of your lawyers.’ We politely asked him to install more seasonal decorations like something for St. Patrick’s Day and he added a decapitated leprechaun to his lawn, this is getting out of hand.”
And while the punk and metal legend reluctantly agreed he might be in technical violation of HOA rules, he displayed limited regard for the feelings of his neighbors.
“This used to be a nice place to live. I could bitch about how kids today are dumb and weak, and everyone would invite me to dinner and want to be my friend,” said Danzig in between writing cat litter reviews on Amazon. “I thought I finally found a place where I fit in, but apparently my Halloween stuff being up five seconds after some arbitrary deadline is too much for these crybabies to handle. At least once a week, Meg lets her little Shih Tzu do a GG Allin impersonation on my front lawn, but you don’t see me whining to the HOA Committee about dog shit. And it’s almost time to put up Halloween decorations again anyway, so get over it already.”
Real estate professionals were unsurprised to learn of the dispute between Danzig and Sunbeam Ridge.
“This kind of disagreement happens all the time,” warned veteran Realtor Sandra Buckingham. “An HOA is like an HR department, only way more trivial and annoying. They have more power than Ticketmaster and as much impunity as the cops. There was an incident in Paso Robles last year where members of an HOA beat a resident half to death because they painted their mailbox a different shade of green. Be careful where you buy your forever home.”
At press time, The HOA Committee On Noise Pollution was in court seeking an injunction to prevent Danzig from covering songs recorded by Elvis.
Let’s face it, everyone has a friend who plays in a horrible band. We want to be supportive of their musical dreams but we also don’t want to be burdened by having to go see them perform because they’re absolute horseshit. If you still want to back your pals but don’t want to spend another Friday night assaulting your eardrums, here are a few helpful tips instead:
1. Give your ticket to a coworker – Tell your friend that you’re really stoked to see them play but you’d rather help them build a fanbase which is why you gave your ticket to Gary from work. Your friend will appreciate this thoughtful gesture and will be clueless as to its true motivation.
2. Convince them to go on tour – Blow smoke up their ass by telling them that they’re so good that they definitely need to tour out of state for exposure. You’d love to travel and see them play if it wasn’t for your job/depression/all those pesky outstanding warrants you have waiting for you as soon as you cross state lines, whatever. Oh well.
3. Buy all their merch – Pretend you’re their biggest fan by buying all of their merch and flood social media with pics of you wearing it, to distract from the fact you’ll be in a nearby bar watching a band that doesn’t suck out loud play.
4. Offer to help set up equipment while faking an illness – Lie and say you’d love to check out their gig but you’ve been puking all day. You’re not sure if it’s Covid or another venereal disease, you just know it feels like you’re dying. Offer to help them set up their equipment at the venue for as long as it takes, but your concerned friend will insist you stay home and recover instead. Fuck yeah.
5. Wish them success while faking your death – After your illness runs its natural, fabricated course, sit them down and break the bad news that you’re going to die. Apologize that you won’t be able to see them perform anymore, but that your last wish on earth is that they finally make it big. Ask for privacy and keep a low profile until the band breaks up in a couple months and your friend becomes a realtor like all your other ex-musician friends.
WASHINGTON — President Biden released a series of FDR-inspired fireside mukbangs on TikTok in his latest attempt to win over Gen Z voters, the White House’s official channel confirmed.
“Folks, watch me eat all this squiggly spaghetti. This is going to be a slop fest like you have never seen, Jack,” said Biden, proceeding to loudly slurp udon noodles into his mouth, chew, and swallow without breaking eye contact with the camera. “My team tells me this is called ‘Mack-Bonging’ and that it’s a great way to reach you, fam. So let’s talk about my bold economic plan while I eat some Takis. Boy howdy, these suckers are spicy! Reminds me of a date I went on with a Vietnamese woman back in the ‘60s, she was a real firecracker.”
Harper Layne, the 23-year-old communications strategist who pitched the concept for fireside mukbangs, says the campaign was based on years of extensive personal research.
“I’ve been watching mukbang for like, forever. It’s super calming and for some reason, I just trust people more when they tell stories while eating,” said Layne, who added she first came up with the idea while studying for a 20th-century American history midterm during her senior year of college. “I needed a break after reading about President Roosevelt, so I went on YouTube and watched a video of Nikocado Avocado talking about his sex life while eating a dozen chicken wings covered in Flamin’ Hot Cheetos dust. Then something just clicked! I realized mukbangs could literally be the only way for an out-of-touch octogenarian to reach my generation.”
While each video in the series has garnered millions of views within hours of release, a Gen Z focus group convened by the Brookings Institution suggests they may be doing more harm than good.
“Um, these are honestly cringe as fuck,” said one 18-year-old participant, quickly flicking from video to video after only watching a few seconds of each. “This dude is like a million years old right? I don’t care if he’s the president of the United States, I’m not messing up my algorithm by watching some Boomer with dentures mansplain stuff while eating mochi. If you keep making me watch these I’m gonna write in Harambe on my 2024 election ballot—I’m deadass serious no cap.”
At press time, Vice President Kamala Harris was overheard discussing plans to launch a jewelry shop on Etsy that sells crystals charged with Democratic energy.
You’ve heard the excuses, and you know the promoter has the money because he took a merch cut. Don’t worry though, he’s not going to let you walk out of here empty-handed. Here are 10 things the promoter can pay you in that isn’t cash.
Your Stolen Bike
Make no mistake, this is absolutely your bike that was stolen two weeks ago. The Promoter insists that he’s had this bike for years though, and that you must have good taste. It might not be a bad idea to run outside real quick and make sure your gear trailer is still attached to the van.
Bootleg Clerks 2 VHS
This might have been worth something in 2006, but the movie’s been out for years now, and you or someone you know probably owns an actual copy of the DVD. He doesn’t understand why that matters though. This one is “special” (he recorded it himself), and insists that it’s “probably worth a lot.”
Mystery Meat
He thinks it’s pork, but it might be horse. Or something else. Whatever it is, he claims it tastes great, and there’s a lot of it. It’s in the basement deep freeze if you want to go take a look at it.
Seeds
You’ve probably been offered drugs by promoters before, but like, actual drugs, not seeds to grow them yourself. He swears it’s “good shit.” In fact, you should be so honored to be offered the seeds from his signature strain. Looking closely at the bag there are some sesame and poppy seeds in there. There’s a chance this is just everything bagel seasoning.
The Nuclear Codes
Supposedly a “friend of a friend of a friend” went to Mar-A-Lago, came back with these, and gave them to him. They’re written on a napkin, but it’s a McDonald’s napkin, so who knows, they could be real. While they probably aren’t, it might not hurt to tell somebody about this, just in case.
Kohl’s Cash
He doesn’t know exactly how much he has because it’s actually his wife’s, but he’s pretty sure it’d get you at least one new outfit. You’ll have to wait though, because he and his wife are fighting right now and so it isn’t a good time for him to ask her for it. You could use a new sweater, after all.
Whatever Is In His Pocket
He’s not going to outright give it to you, but if you can guess correctly it’s yours. You only get one guess though, not three. We’re not sure what kind of Bilbo Baggins bullshit he’s trying to pull, but whatever it is probably isn’t worth it anyway.
Live Snake
This breed of snake “isn’t exactly street legal” in the United States, but he insists it’s been doing a great job with the venue’s rat problem. The green room would say otherwise. He doesn’t keep the snake at the venue though, it’s at his friend Mike’s house, so you’d have to drive across town with him to check it out.
Porno Mag With Some Of The Pages Stuck Together
Look, it’s not cum, ok? Let’s just put it this way, this thing is, uh, well loved. It’s all wrinkled up, and the pages make a horrible crinkling sound when he turns them to show you the women featured in it. He makes it a point to claim that the women he’s slept with are actually way hotter.
The Gift Of Friendship
It’s pretty clear that you aren’t getting any money, and he’s run out of items to offer you. But he’s free this Saturday if you want to hang out. You have to drive though, because his license is suspended. As enticing as this offer is, maybe it’s best to just cut your losses and go home.
Metallica have cemented themselves as one of the greatest heavy metal bands of all time, despite their best efforts to undermine that standing with some questionable mid-career releases. The fact that a handful of lousy albums wasn’t enough to destroy their legacy speaks to the indelibility of their best work. Here is the Hard Times’ definitive ranking of all of Metallica’s studio albums.
10) St. Anger (2003)
Much of St. Anger was recorded on a Tiger Electronics Talkboy due to producer Bob Rock selling his recording gear to pay off his staggering gambling debt. The resulting cut-and-paste ProTools riff salad has rightfully been the subject of much derision. The star of the show is Lars Ulrich’s snare drum sound, which works best as a conceptual art piece that interrogates the idea of “What even is music, anyhow?”
Play It Again: “Frantic” I guess.
Skip It: “All Within My Hands”. They stuck this nearly nine minute stinker at the end for a reason.
9) Reload (1997)
You know your neighbor with the truck nuts and Punisher skull tat? This is his favorite Metallica album. Fans hoping for a return to Metallica’s classic thrash roots were turned off by the continued Godsmack-ification of the band. However, people who had waited six long years to hear the next chapter of the “Unforgiven” song cycle rejoiced.
Play It Again: The opening minute of “Devil’s Dance” might make you think you’re listening to 70s Judas Priest.
Skip It: The languid dirge “Carpe Diem Baby”—unless your Ambien prescription has run out.
8) Load (1996)
This is absolutely the best Metallica record to feature blood and cum on its cover. Load instigated a long-running debate among fans: Did the band start sucking because they cut their hair, or did they cut their hair because they started sucking? Compare this album’s average BPM of 118 to Ride the Lightning’s 166 to get a feel for the slog you’re in for.
Play It Again: “2 X 4” is a pretty enjoyable pass at Kyuss-style desert rock.
Skip It: “Mama Said”, unless you’re a sadist who just has to know what countrified butt-rock sounds like.
7) Death Magnetic (2008)
This course-correcting album was a refreshing return to real production quality after St. Anger’s dismal democore digression. It is, however, so over-compressed that its waveform looks like a stick of butter. Having shed the Wormtongue-like influence of producer Bob Rock, the band seems revitalized—they even let Kirk Hammett play solos again. Plus, Hetfield always sounds best when he’s properly pissed off.
Play It Again: “All Nightmare Long” features some of their best chugging in ages.
Skip It: “The End of the Line” for cribbing a riff from Pearl Jam’s “Animal”.
6) Metallica (1991)
The so-called Black Album is fucking sick when you’re 14, sneaking butts behind the Mobil station and have never heard any of Metallica’s earlier albums. The tepid hard rock sound that would characterize the next decade of their career shows up for the first time here, but there’s still just enough metal bleeding through to make it matter. The balls on these guys to release a black album cover just seven years after “This is Spinal Tap” is pretty impressive.
Play It Again: “Holier Than Thou”
Skip It: “Don’t Tread on Me” because now it just makes me think of those snake flags that have been appropriated by MAGA fascists.
5) Hardwired… to Self-Destruct (2016)
The band hasn’t sounded this vital and urgent in years, hearkening back to their early work, yet injecting enough innovative ideas to sound fresh. In order to channel the anger of their earlier work, producer Greg Fidelman told the band to think about how much they’d owe in capital gains taxes that year. Unfortunately, Kirk Hammett lost his phone containing hundreds of song ideas before the band convened to write the album, so who knows what riffs we missed out on. Maybe that dope should’ve shelled out a few bucks a month for iCloud.
Play It Again: “Atlas, Rise!” is a proper old-school thrash epic.
Skip It: “Am I Savage?” just makes me want to listen to the superior “Am I Evil?” instead.
4) Kill ‘Em All (1983)
With their debut album, Metallica managed to perfectly blend the evil riffs of NWOBHM with punk’s frenetic energy. If you’ve spent any time around a bassist, chances are you’ve suffered through them showing you they can play “(Anesthesia) – Pulling Teeth” when clearly they can’t. In the pursuit of authenticity, photographer Gary Heard allegedly had to bludgeon several unfortunate drifters to death with a mallet before getting that perfect cover shot.
Play It Again: “Jump in the Fire”
Skip It: “Hit the Lights”. The music rules, but songs about how much you rock don’t belong on debut albums.
The last truly great Metallica album is also the last to feature contributions from late bassist Cliff Burton, but that’s probably just a coincidence, right? The band did new bassist Jason Newsted dirty not only by burying his musical contribution in the mix, but also by drawing dicks on his face when he’d fall asleep on the tour bus.
Play It Again: “Blackened”
Skip It: “To Live is to Die” is a nice tribute to Burton, but acts as a speed bump in the albums’ sequencing.
Check out all the Metallica gear we have in our store, buy a shirt for your dad.
2) Master of Puppets (1986)
Your zoomer niece loves the titular song due to Stranger Things, but couldn’t be bothered to listen to the rest of this masterpiece of an album. Come to think of it, why did Eddie Munson have to play guitar standing on the roof of the trailer, when he and Dustin could’ve just run cables up to the speakers and stayed safely inside? This amazing collection of metal bangers also features the band’s dopest instrumental, “Orion”.
Play It Again: “Welcome Home (Sanitarium)”
Skip It: “The Thing That Should Not Be.” The band is more effective when dealing with themes of mental torment rather than cosmic horror.
1) Ride the Lightning (1984)
Coming in at number one is Metallica’s triumphant sophomore album, showcasing the band at their technical and creative peak. I’d hate to be accused of gatekeeping, but if you’ve never sped down a desolate highway in the middle of the night after “borrowing” your grandmother’s ‘87 Pontiac Grand Am, blasting “Trapped Under Ice” and burning your arm with a cigarette to stay awake, I’m not sure you can call yourself a Metallica fan.
BINGHAMTON, N.Y. — Local punk Chaz Long used very creative accounting techniques when he wrote off his support for his scene as a charitable donation on his tax forms this year, several sources report.
“I think if anyone gets a tax break for supporting this city’s scene, it should be me,” Long explained before Googling worst case scenarios in the event you get audited. “Sure, I make little to no money, so it’s hard to support the scene monetarily, but I do sneak into shows whenever I’m lucky enough to bum a ride. And let’s not forget about all the charitable cigarettes I’ve donated to people in need in this scene. That’s got to be equivalent to giving to UNICEF. Either way, the IRS better not garnish my returns again this year.”
Longtime friend Rachel Evos was called upon by Long once again to help with his taxes this year.
“Chaz is so full of shit,” Evos explained while crunching some numbers. “Every time I hear him talk about anything remotely related to the punk scene, it’s usually about how good it used to be back in the day or about how some venue that no longer exists had an awesome Taco Bell next to it. As a matter of fact, he should be audited for lying about scene support. He would probably owe years worth of back taxes on drink tickets alone.”
IRS agent Richard Doyle weighed in on the subject of phony scene tax write-off cred.
“You would think punks would brush up on their local tax codes from time to time,” Doyle explained. “In fact, the whole tax write-off thing for charity is all bullshit in general. Cancer research, St. Judes, GoFundMes, etc. I think people just try to get brownie points with the government for adding all that nonsense on their tax forms. Little do they know that giving to charity isn’t going to make us want your money any less. If anything, it means we know you have more to give to us.”
At press time, Long decided to also write off a recent tattoo he got as a work expense citing his job as a member of a D-Beat band.
Think A.I. can’t write like a human? Think again. Not only can it write like a human, but it can also write like me. In fact, the app Inspira is using artificial intelligence right now to write this article in my exact style, just like it did when it wrote and sent that weird text to my coworker last night. Here’s how it works!
First, Inspira analyzes previous samples of your work, gathering a sense of your unique vocabulary, phrasing, and voice. Then you enter a subject and other parameters to help it form a structure. Or…in the case of last night, the A.I. simply takes over your phone and, without any input, launches an unhinged correspondence at 2:43 a.m. that in no way relates to you, the three Ambien you took, or really misreading an invite to trivia night that was apparently sent to the whole department.
You don’t have to be a techy (or even a writer) to use this tool. In minutes, you can send off polished copy that looks professionally written. Of course, all technology has its glitches, which must be what happened when it texted Greg in accounting that I’ve got a trivia night at my place, before asking which lady has two thumbs and a multi-jet tub with his name on it.
Artificial intelligence works by pulling from a vast network of sources, allowing it to learn human-like composition. We may never know what deranged reference material it pulled from to craft that text, but what’s important is that we all know it was not me. That’s just a thing A.I. is capable of, and did, last night specifically.
The potential applications for this technology are endless. It can draft apology letters, write emails to H.R., or even update your resume. Will A.I. ever replace the need for human proofreading? Clearly not, or it would have deleted those messages after reviewing them with fresh, horrified eyes.
OKLAHOMA CITY – Local punk band Extreme Rash’s recent basement show abruptly went dark after the singer’s grandmother absentmindedly turned on her tea kettle during their set and overloaded the electrical panel, according to angry musicians squatting at her home.
“I’ve told her a million times, don’t turn the kettle on if we’re performing downstairs. I know she’s basically deaf, but she should know that when random people are getting drunk in the kitchen it probably means we have a show going on,” stated 37-year-old frontman Jerry Spikes as he devoured another meal that his grandma had prepared. “When I agreed to be her roommate I made it clear that she wasn’t supposed to turn on the kettle, open the fridge, or turn on any lights while we played because the circuit breakers couldn’t handle it. I was so embarrassed to tell everyone that we couldn’t continue because someone can’t follow simple instructions. And she didn’t even make a pie for this show, which is bullshit.”
Showgoer Kristine Skinner described what happened after the lights went out.
“At first we were pissed but whatever, shit happens,” replied Skinner. “We tried to be pretty chill about it, which is something I can’t say about the lead singer who threw a fit at this sweet old lady who came down to check to see if everyone was okay. She was in tears apologizing and said she wasn’t sure why the breakers blew, especially since she left money for her grandson to take care of the problem months ago. What a fucking dirtbag.”
Local electrician Brett Lucas stressed the importance of updating your wiring if using your basement as an illegal music venue.
“If you decide on having an unauthorized concert space, you’d better make damn sure your electrical box can handle the extra load,” described Lucas. “Most of these unlicensed shows are basically deathtraps when you realize it’s a bunch of dirty punks in charge of everyone’s safety who’d rather steal their grandparent’s social security checks than pay an electrician to get rid of all their knob and tube wiring. In addition to upgrading your panel, I also recommend finding an exterminator to get rid of any unwanted vermin that have infiltrated your house looking for food and shelter who can easily start eating the insulation on the copper wires, then stealing the copper. Don’t take this lightly, punk infestations are nasty.”
At press time, the band was setting up in the garage when the roof, which Spikes also promised to get fixed, caved in and buried the punks alive.
If you’re a fan of “American Horror Story,” ”Nip/Tuck,” or “Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story,” then keep reading!
Acclaimed writer, director, and producer Ryan Murphy sat down with us for an EXCLUSIVE interview about his highly anticipated upcoming HBO series, “Sexy Gay White Murder Orgy.” Check out the transcript below to hear what you can expect from this exciting new show, which Murphy says is a “totally different direction” than anything he’s ever done before!
Ryan Murphy: Thanks for having me.
The Hard Times: Of course, our pleasure. Let’s get right into it. What inspired your new show?
RM: Money, ha! Just kidding, my agent said I should stop saying that. But actually, if you know my work, you’ve seen how I push boundaries. Nothing is what it seems. Everyone has a secret or vice (or two or three). I aspire to tell stories that capture the real human experience, with all its gritty imperfections. People relate to that.
“Sexy Gay White Murder Orgy” follows a group of attractive gay twinks who all happen to be white as they systematically slaughter the local government of a fictional New York suburb because the mayor banned drag performances. Their bloodlust also turns into real lust: The twinks take lots of breaks from murdering to have giant sex bacchanalias every episode. It’s a poignant political satire if you really think about it, but don’t think about it too hard. Also the main character is played by Evan Peters.
THT: Sounds…interesting. What makes this different from your other recent work?
RM: Well for one, we’re showing way more dick this time. HBO gave us the green light to go full on “Game of Thrones” levels of naked and then some. This show is going to make “Euphoria” look like “Saved By The Bell” by comparison.
Also, with this show we got kind of…experimental. By that I mean Sarah Paulson is playing three different roles in one season. Isn’t that fun? She’s a journalist investigating the murders, a detective trying to solve the murders, and the town’s mayor! Just wait until you see the season finale. You’ll never guess what happens in a million years.
THT: Wouldn’t dream of it! Last question: Who do you think should win an Emmy for their performance in “Sexy Gay White Murder Orgy?”
RM: Well, like usual I cast tons of conventionally hot white guys in the main roles. So I’m going to say either Evan Peters, Jonathan Groff, Finn Wittrock, Matt Bomer, Zachary Quinto, Matthew Morrison, Billy Eichner (probably not though), Neil Patrick Harris, John Stamos, David Corenswet, Dylan McDermott, Max Greenfield, or Cheyenne Jackson.
Or one of the other cast members whose names escape me right now! They’re all great. I made “POSE” by the way, so I’m definitely not racist. Don’t put that last part in the interview.
