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We Look Back on the Music of the Transformers DVD Menu Because We’re Drunk at Our Friend’s House in 2008

I don’t know how I fell asleep using the lower level of a coffee table as a pillow, but here I am: trapped in the eternal hell of this Transformers DVD until someone turns it off or this apartment building explodes. Either one would be a miracle.

I’d do it, but If I move in any way, I’ll puke on everything within a ten-foot radius–including the clump of people having sex in the corner. Since I’m too fucked up to move and can’t fall back asleep, I might as well review the wide-ranging artists and genres of this Transformers DVD menu.

“Autobots” by Steve Jablonsky First impression: Don’t care for it. This song is the Dollarita of action movie music. I guess there are some decently triumphant horn swells, but it’s no John Williams.

“Autobots” by Steve Jablonsky
Second time around, I still don’t love it, but it kinda reminds me of Danny Elfman’s Spider-Man stuff. I like the added Transformer sounds. It’s a nice touch I missed the first time through.

“Autobots” by Steve Jablonsky Maybe this song isn’t so bad. You know, I might actually be able… to fall… asle…

“Autobots” by Steve Jablonsky FUCK! Why is this song so loud?! Why won’t somebody just turn it off?! I know everyone else that isn’t fucking is pretending to be asleep so they don’t have to do it, but I really can’t move. Please. Help.

“Autobots” by Steve Jablonsky
I’m too drunk to be awake. My neck is dislocated, and the world is spinning. I hope I get stung by a scorpion.

“Autobots” by Steve Jablonsky
Jesus, Allah, YHWH, Krishna, Hans Zimmer, anyone: please end my life. Preferably now. I can’t take the flashing lights, weird monk harmonies, or Transformer noises anymore. Make it fucking stop because I need to work in forty-five minutes.

“What I’ve Done” by Linkin Park
FINALLY! A new song!!! YES! I thought I was going to–OH. It’s just my RZR’s new ringtone. It’s probably that guy from the Obama campaign again. De–cline. Sick song, though.

Wait! Am I laying on the remote? Hell yeah! I’m gonna start this automotive manufacturing propaganda film all over again and chug every time I throw up a Papa John’s box!