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Report: Increasing Number of Math Rock Bands Not Meeting State’s Minimum Requirements

WASHINGTON — A recent study conducted by Georgetown University showed that at least 90 percent of active math rock bands fail to meet their state’s minimum proficiency standards.

“This study shows that we’re failing the latest crop of math rock bands by allowing them to release music with standard time signatures and basic chords,” stated Christina Martin, the study’s lead researcher. “When we began our research, we knew that diminished output from existing bands and low turnout at shows was a problem, but it goes much deeper. On average, your modern-day math rock band is scoring maybe 5.5 or 6 on Pitchfork and that’s if they can even manage to get the reviewer to listen to the album at all. It’s appalling and there needs to be educational reform in the scene or else American math rock will be completely overshadowed by Japanese math rock in less than a decade.”

Math rock musicians shared their thoughts on the recent news and defended their genre and scene against the criticism.

“I didn’t even know that there was such a thing as proficiency standards for a music community. My dad taught me how to play guitar at home and I know just as much as fancy college kids at Berklee,” said Tommy Olsen, guitarist of Mississippi-based math rock band The Helix Theory. “Sorry, we can’t all be Slint, but we’re not trying to be. Not all math rock needs to be overly complicated. Basic addition and subtraction are considered math, right? So the fact The Helix Theory only plays in 4/4 should still classify us as math rock. ”

Government regulators were concerned by the study’s findings and are considering taking action.

“If local scenes can’t show marked musical improvements, then we have a responsibility to step in and enact a federal standard,” said Department of Education spokesperson Amy Leverbraun. “The minimum should be American Football and these bands are barely cracking the Travistan level. We’re currently working with South Korea to start a math rock exchange program and are also in talks with Steve Albini to lead a task force to come up with common standards for all math rock bands to meet, but those have stalled because he keeps telling us to ‘go fuck ourselves with a lead pipe.’”

At press time, officials announced a bipartisan agreement to finally classify geographical boundaries that would allow a band to call themselves “Midwest Emo.”