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How to Save Money on Therapy by Trauma Dumping on Your Friends at Every Conceivable Opportunity

Talk therapy is a service that almost all people could benefit from. Unfortunately, it costs about $700 per minute and most therapists kinda suck at their jobs anyhow. So instead, consider an alternative: trauma dumping to your friends every single time you interact with them. Never mind the fact that they aren’t “technically therapists” and could theoretically “have their own problems.” Let the Hard Times be your guide.

Save time by skipping saying “Hello” and diving right into the pain
Casual greetings like “Hi,” “Hello,” or “How’s it going?” subtract from the time you could be talking about your rough experiences, negative thoughts, and perceived slights onto your friends. Interrupt their meaningless greetings and get right to the heart of the matter.

Only talk about yourself
Asking questions invites the chance for someone other than you to talk about themselves. Since you will only ever experience life from your own perspective, why waste time with irrelevant narratives? Only your truth matters even if you need to embellish it for dramatic effect.

Twist the Knife
Avoid undercutting the severity of your problems by following up with a joke or any sense of levity. Everything is deathly serious. Respond to their attempts at humor with a scowl. This is therapy, not stand-up comedy.

Get defensive if they claim they “aren’t a therapist”
Sure, your friends may not be licensed, qualified, or willing to be your therapist. But they signed up to be your friend and that is legally binding enough. Attack them if they don’t want to listen to you, then call up a different friend and dump this new meta-trauma on them.

Don’t say “Goodbye” after a massive trauma dump
Similar to Step 1, don’t give your friends any sense of finality or closure that this conversation or chapter of hurt is over. Leave them with a lingering sense of worry so they feel guilty not following up in a timely fashion.