LAKE PLACID, N.Y. — A local squirrel expressed concern over the fact their decaying body may eventually be featured on a black metal band’s social media, report sources who still are in shock over having talked to a squirrel.
“Yeah it sucks that death is imminent, but this is the circle of life,” said the squirrel, breathing heavily and staring wistfully at the sky. “I accept that I must return to the Earth and that my body will nourish the forest, but god dammit, I hope that none of these ghouls with axe-shaped guitars and painted faces post my corpse all over Instagram with some lame caption about brutality. They’re always coming back here looking for old bones to lay on top of some twigs and dead leaves for their 120 followers. I just don’t want to be reduced to eight or nine likes on their social media.”
Much to the woodland creature’s dismay, multiple bands in the region report that this is their exact plan, including atmospheric black metal band Lothlorien Autumn.
“We’ve been trying to get a good shot to use for a single we’re releasing next month, and a squirrel skeleton would be absolutely perfect,” said guitarist Steve Boch. “Hopefully we can find a couple of dead birds and some mushrooms to place around it. Last time we went into the woods our bass player got a bunch of ticks and now he doesn’t want to go back but I’m sure he’ll change his mind when I tell him about this.”
Local forest rangers report sharing the same distaste for the area’s metal musicians.
“I’m getting really sick of these guys,” said Park Ranger Tess Cameron. “They always go off trail which really disrupts these fragile ecosystems just so they can take pictures of themselves holding up rabbit skulls and cosplaying as pagans or whatever. The other day one of them dug up a bunch of moss and covered themselves in it to make it look like they were decaying. Clearly these dorks have no idea how long it takes for certain mosses to grow. I don’t really know myself, but I imagine it’s a long time.”
At press time, a local coyote reportedly consumed the squirrel immediately after its death, preventing any unwanted photo shoots of its corpse.