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I Am the Eggman and I’m Tired of Easter Appropriating My Culture

Imagine watching the rich history of your people bastardized by a clueless and indifferent public and then being expected to go along with it because it’s been labeled as harmless fun. I am of course talking about the “tradition” of hunting for eggs on the same day Jesus allegedly rose from his grave. Well sorry to burst your bubble assholes, because I am the Eggman and I’m sick and tired of Easter appropriating my culture.

I’ve bitten my tongue for as long as I could, but I can no longer stand idly by while year after year these colonizers make a mockery of my culture. I’d like to see them run like pigs from a gun while trying to get their grubby hands on fun sized Snickers. Yeah, where I’m from we’re the eggs being hunted. They didn’t teach you that in Sunday school, did they?

Well if you weren’t busy being spoon-fed lies by big chocolate’s pastel-washing bullshit, you’d know that egg hunts were to commemorate the pornographic priestess and the crabalocker fishwife getting caught with their knickers down. If you even have to ask what that means, you don’t deserve to dive into the bushes, desperately grasping for Skittles receptacles that’ll end up in a landfill.

It doesn’t surprise me with so many people casually adopting eggman culture that this would eventually happen. I mean just the other day I overheard someone say “goo goo g’joob” in casual conversation with ZERO irony. What gives them the fucking right? Only I can say that.

Most holidays and histories have pretty grim origins that need to be watered down for the masses. But I think everyone deserves to learn the original commemoration of the hunts involved filling the eggs with yellow matter custard dripping from a dead dog’s eye. Plus how did we go from the eggs being left by the walrus to a goddam bunny? Not cute enough for you, Hershey?

I lamentably understand that we live in a society that feels the need to monetize everything, but my story shouldn’t be reduced to some trite afternoon distraction. Though to be fair, to understand that story would require a lot of drugs to truly appreciate.