VIENNA, Austria – Self-proclaimed hardcore Mozart fan Ted Zarusky is facing criticism due to the fact he only started listening to the composer sometime within the last 20 years, according to Vienna Scene sources.
“I’ve been listening to Mozart’s entire catalog since I was in seventh grade,” said a very defensive Zarusky. “And I’m not talking about ‘Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, K525’ or ‘Piano Sonata in A, K331.’ No, I’m talking about shit you never hear the National Symphony Orchestra even touch like ‘Maurerische Trauermusic, K477’ and ‘Piano Duet Sonata in F, K497.’ Just because I wasn’t at some show doesn’t mean I’m not fully committed. I have all the recordings, even the early stuff he put out on tape through Gib ihnen den Stiefel Records. Plus, I’ve been to his birthplace twice.”
Local Austrian classical scene legend Brad Drestin is one of the many people skeptical of Zarusky’s fandom.
“We knew this guy’s story the second he walked into town,” said Drestin, who has been gatekeeping classical music for the last 28 years. “These assholes come in thinking they’re immediately one of us just because they read some shit article online and memorized the Köchel catalog. But this scene isn’t about having a Ph.D. in music, this is about being there and supporting the scene whether concerts are happening in a music hall, or a palace garden. This is about being a part of history. And was this Ted guy there? No, he wasn’t even there on that late summer night in 1791. Fucking poser all the way.”
Musicologist Analise Müller of the Mozarteum University Salzburg is baffled by the whole discussion.
“Mr. Zarusky is just listing compositions in Mozart’s career, but it’s so scattershot, it’s like listening to someone recite a Wikipedia page,” said Müller. “And Drestin, good god, has this guy ever read a music history book in his life? Why would anyone pick this moment as the moment in Mozart’s overall career? Within a few months of this show, Mozart would die, he barely did anything after The Theater auf der Wieden show. I mean, I could see maybe the early exhibitions of 1762 at the court of Prince-elector Maximillian III of Bavaria or I’ll even give you the premiere of Mitridate, re di Ponto at the Teatro Regio Ducale in 1770. But anything after he signed with Prince-Archbishop Hieronymus Colloredo in 1773 is just corporate bullshit, total fucking sellout.”
At press time, sources indicated Müller was out kicking in skulls at a Tchaikovsky show in Moscow while Zarusky and Drestin were consoling each other’s bruised pride.