Press "Enter" to skip to content

Punk Savant Can Tell If You Have an Extra Cigarette From Two Hundred Yards Away

NEW YORK — Punk savant Jacob Alvarez was reportedly born with an uncanny ability to spot a person with an extra cigarette from over two hundred yards away, confirmed sources who considered quitting smoking entirely to avoid him.

“The science nerds are really going to want to know about this natural talent, and Marvel might even want to create a new superhero based on my superpower,” said Alvarez before experiencing a tingly sensation that notified him of an extra American Spirit a mere four blocks away. “I think having a certificate or something that says my gift is real will go a long way towards getting me to a point where I could theoretically afford to buy a few of my own cigarettes. I mean, I still intend to bum them, mostly. Gotta keep the muscle sharp. There’s no way Superman buys his own cigarettes.”

Alvarez’s acquaintance Anne Towers confirmed that he had bummed cigarettes from her no less than three hundred times in the last eight years.

“It’s ridiculous,” said Towers. “He’ll come out of nowhere, like, all the time. One time I was hiking in the Adirondacks with my dog, miles away from any other people, and this fucking guy comes running through the trees, insisting that I have an extra Marlboro he could bum. I thought I had him, finally, because I was absolutely certain I didn’t have any left. He was right though. I had two buried in my pack. Bastard.”

Dr. Steven Green of New York University’s Cognitive Imaging Group will conduct a five-week study into Alvarez’s alleged psychic powers.

“This young man could very well be the eighth wonder of the world,” said Dr. Green. “Mr. Alvaarez’s natural talent for spotting a ‘bummable’ item from a stranger nearly two football fields away makes him a fascinating subject unique to the animal kingdom. While some birds and primates can be trained to spot and obtain small objects for their handlers, Jacob’s preternatural mooching-at-distance is both notably selfish and scientifically unexplainable. Not to mention a real burden for smokers in his vicinity.”

As of press time, Alvarez discovered that he could also spot an open bar event from nearly three hundred feet away.