We Look Back at the Misfits/Eurythmics Split Album That Might Have Just Been Me Recording Over My Mom’s Tapes

Posted on by Carter Schenke

If Stranger Things has taught us anything, it’s that the market for 80s nostalgia is alive and well, particularly among people who were not alive in the 80s. And as a music journalist, it’s my duty to cash in on that nostalgia. I reviewed one of my favorite albums from that time period: the Misfits/Eurythmics split cassette.

Who could forget the way “We Are 138” ends followed by about a minute of “Here Comes the Rain Again,” only for it to be interrupted by the intro to “Hatebreeders?” Well, apparently everyone I’ve talked to about this, because no one I know seems to have any idea what I’m talking about. How is it that my friends and family have no recollection of this album? It was a game changer for the scene back in the day. Have I been friends with posers my whole life?

This has to be an example of the Mandela effect, right? All my friends look at me crazy when I talk about how I’m surprised that Danzig never did any guest appearances on a Eurythmics album. I can’t believe everyone I know could forget about this classic split album that truly helped bring together the pop and punk fanbases. I’m pretty sure that’s where pop-punk actually got started.

Okay, I’m just starting to realize something. I think it’s possible that this wasn’t an official album. After looking through my childhood tapes, I’ve discovered what appears to be a bootleg Eurythmics album my mom made, with a bootleg Misfits tracklist in my handwriting in the case. I suppose it makes more sense that I just stole one of my mom’s tapes and recorded some Misfits songs over it. I’m not sure any producer in the world would have thought an “Angelfuck”/”Sweet Dreams” mashup was a genuinely good idea.

I’d like to take a moment to apologize to any of my friends who I’ve verbally or physically attacked during arguments about this album’s existence. I thought this was all some big conspiracy to gaslight me, but I see now that I may have been in the wrong. My bad everyone.

Donnie Darko Still Ranked Number One Movie You Absolutely Have to See According to Your Dealer

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — A new meandering voicemail from your dealer indicated that “Donnie Darko is still the movie you absolutely must see in order to understand the human condition, confirmed multiple other “customers” who received a similar message.

“I can’t believe how many of these Gen Z kids haven’t seen ‘Donnie Darko.’ Its a trippy mind fuck of a movie that plays with the concept time but never takes itself too seriously,” said one drug dealer who wished to remain anonymous when reached for comment and for MDMA. “We’re talking Jake Gyllenhaal before he was famous playing Donnie, and he is this kid that is all sorts of messed up but you can totally relate to him. A modern day Holden Caulfield. Anyone can borrow my Blu-Ray edition as long as they have a Playstation that still plays DVDs. I’m free to watch it with anyone right now as a matter of fact.”

Regular customers of said dealers, however, are growing tired of hearing about the movie.

“It’s the same thing every fucking time I talk to the guy, it’s like he’s on the ‘Donnie Darko’ street team or something. I’d look for someone else to buy my ketamine from, but no matter who I find, they all want to talk about that fucking movie,’” casual drug user Dawn Price said just before the psilocybin hit. “I always tell them that I saw it and it was fine but that isn’t good enough. They go into how I must not have been in the right ‘headspace’ for viewing or it would be my favorite movie of all time. Yeah, I was high on GHB when I watched. I think that is just about the right headspace.”

Film Historian Lola Foster had a difficult time explaining the lasting impact of the film.

“You would think that stoner comedies like ‘Half Baked’ or ‘Pineapple Express’ would be at the top of the list, but no, it’s always ‘Donnie Darko,’ no matter where we canvas,” Foster said. “I mean, it’s a perfectly adequate weird little indie film, but there must be something about it that burnouts, particularly suburban male burnouts, really relate to. Which is kind of worrying, the more that I ponder it. I think it’s one of those things we will never really figure out.”

As of press time, researchers were unable to leave a specific dealer’s apartment until they heard his theory on ‘The Blair Witch Project.”

Rancid GPS Keeps Rerouting Users to Olympia, Washington

Posted on by Zac Lux

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Residents of Washington’s capitol city are reporting an influx of tourism due to Rancid’s recently launched GPS app which reroutes all users to the Pacific Northwest, frustrated users confirmed.

“I worked closely with the band to make sure their ‘Avenue and Alleyways’ GPS system found the best route to get to Olympia from anywhere in the country,” said the app’s developed Mark “Skwirm” Bartlett. “It’s like Waze or Google Maps for people who haven’t sold out. The app has user input about which rest stops are easiest to steal from and abandoned buildings you can squat in during your trip. Also, the app always plays Rancid songs on a loop and you cannot shut it off no matter how hard you try. The band insisted on that feature.”

Early users of the app admit they were frustrated by the fact they keep ending up in Washington.

“I was using the app to get to a wedding in Arizona where I’m the best man,” said Kenny Kirkley. “I zoned out a bit shortly after hitting I-90 and before I realized it I was crossing into Washington. The wedding is tomorrow and even if I drove through the night I wouldn’t make it in time, and if I use this fucking app it would just make me do a circle and drop me right back in front of the state house. I’m pretty pissed off, but the app does have a pretty extensive map of where to get the cheapest beer, so at least I can get hammered before I have to tell my brother I’m going to miss his big day.”

Benjamin Ward, the Director of Tourism for the city of Olympia says the city’s economy has seen a distinct upturn since the app launched.

“All of our thrift stores are reporting record sales thanks to all these new people,” said Ward. “I always had hopes of one day inspiring this many people to visit our fair city. I mean, sure, everyone is kind of pissed off when they arrive here instead of likely a much more fun and cool destination they were originally trying to get to. And the people who happen to be excited to be here are these lowlife punk types who have been vandalizing the state capitol. But it’s still tourism! Thinking of all those silly campaigns we poured taxpayer dollars into in an effort to drag people to our farmers market, who would have thought it would be some shoddy GPS that rerouted users back… To Olympia… Did I sound like that guy?”

At press time, a recent update to the apps walking directions feature keeps leading people to San Francisco’s Tenderloin district where they get their phones stolen immediately.

Every Alexisonfire Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by John Danek

Alexisonfire’s official website exists at the URL theonlybandever.com. Pretty bold claim, if you ask me. But then I started looking into it. Weirdly, I can’t find any evidence of any other band ever existing anywhere in the world. Seriously, not one. So this is officially the first and last discography ranking we will ever post on The Hard Times. Enjoy.

5. Old Crows/Young Cardinals (2009)

I can’t stand when bands churn out the same album repeatedly, but I also hate when bands change their sound in any way. I dislike Old Crows/Young Cardinals for both reasons. OC/YC finds Alexisonfire retreading similar ground explored on “Crisis” but with more of an alt-rock influence than ever before. It’s not a favorite of mine. I’m not a lyrics guy so maybe this album’s words are amazing and they mean a lot to you, but Zeus gave me a brain that doesn’t understand lyrics after even 200 listens so… sorry. This could be a concept album about comparing various Cheez-It flavors and it wouldn’t affect my enjoyment in the slightest. (White Cheddar is the best.)

Play It Again: “Burial”
Skip It: “Midnight Regulations”

Honorable Mention: Dog’s Blood EP (2010)

This EP finds Alexisonfire rediscovering some youthful recklessness after the relatively restrained and mature “Old Crows/Young Cardinals.” You’ll find 4 pretty solid songs here with a lot of long guitar solos and instrumental passages. Possibly too many. Also, this EP may have had a hand in popularizing that colorful, cartoon-y art style that dominated post-hardcore and metalcore for the next half-decade. Minus five points.

Play It Again: “Black as Jet”
Skip It: “Grey”

 

4. Otherness (2022)

My main gripe with “Otherness” is tempo. Most of the songs here are mid-tempo rockers. That’s fine sometimes, but I listen to Alexisonfire for energy and thrills. I understand that bands mature, get older, and chill out. But if anyone could buck the trend, I’d hope it would be AOF. We already have City and Colour for when we need to put on reasonable music in a carpool. If you’re going to listen to “Otherness,” pull it up on YouTube and listen at 1.25x speed. Bands love it when you do this to their music.

Play It Again: “Reverse the Curse”
Skip It: “Sans Soleil”

3. Watch Out! (2004)

Choosing the top 3 here is very difficult. When I first volunteered to rank Alexisonfire’s catalog, I planned on ranking “Watch Out!” at the top spot. And while it’s still my personal favorite on most days, I have to admit upon relisten that it isn’t the strongest album in their repertoire. It starts off magnificently with “Accidents” but the middle third lags behind the rest in the songwriting department. The stretch from “Hey It’s Your Funeral Mama” to “White Devil” just isn’t quite as memorable as the rest. I’m happy to report that the band sticks the landing with an amazing one-two punch to close out the whole shebang. The cymbal that starts off “Get Fighted” makes me want to walk down my street smashing side windows off parked cars. In a good way.

Play It Again: “Get Fighted”
Skip It: “That Girl Possessed”

2. Crisis (2006)

This album is great. Phenomenal, even. Almost… too perfect. Is that a valid criticism? That it’s too good? It’s almost so clinically exact in its execution of Alexisonfire’s sound that I don’t reach for it as much as their “amateurish” debut. Whatever, you should have known by this point in the article that I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about. Damnit, if I weren’t severely hungover and depressed that I finished my rewatch of “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place” last night, I’d change the ordering and bring “Watch Out!’ into second place. But nah. It stays here.

Play It Again: “Mailbox Arson”
Skip It: “You Burn First”

1. Self-Titled (2003)

This is one of those debut albums that seems to get mentioned by its creators with a sense of embarrassment. I couldn’t tell you why. It has everything I want in music: chunky rhythm guitars, memorable melodies, creative lead guitar parts, a great balance of screaming and singing, youthful abandon, and a production style that actually sounds like a bunch of people playing music together. It also came out in a time in my life when I still had hope, which is nice to remember. Anyways, this is a Canadian classic and a grand opening statement from the only band ever.

Play It Again: “.44 Caliber Love Letter”
Skip It: If you’re even half as cynical as me, you might want to skip the spoken word section of “A Dagger Through the Heart of St. Angeles.” Otherwise, it’s a good throwback when bands thought spoken word sections were a good idea.

“Go 100% On Hair, 0% On Makeup” Rules for Being in a Van Halen Photoshoot Circa 1974

Posted on by Jeff Bender

The year is 1974. Your band Van Halen is starting to get a little bit of buzz around Pasadena and the surrounding areas of Los Angeles (you will be huge in Glendale). Of course, you want to start looking more professional so it’s about time you go take some band photos. But how do you do it? Here is everything you need to do to be in a Van Halen photoshoot circa 1974.

1. Have at Least One Member of the Band Ready To Receive the Heimlich

Preferably the beautiful guy up front — he’s the one who’s been eating all the brown M&Ms, and you know he’s not taking the time to chew them properly.

 

 

 

2. Go 100% On Hair, 0% On Makeup

Let the acne fucking fly — who cares? It’s 1974. Skincare won’t be invented for another 20 years. Hell, sunscreen with an SPF higher than 2 wasn’t invented until 1986. Skin means nothing. HAIR, baby.

 

 

 

3. Never Let Anybody See the Tip of Michael Anthony’s Left Elbow

Keep that shit out of the frame. Worst elbow in rock. Rumor has it, his elbow was so reviled that the entire band was forbidden from entering Germany unless he removed his arm at the shoulder. Worst sneakers, too — but that’s a story for a different day. Don’t bring it up again.

 

 

4. Counteract Impending Baldness With an Abundance of Hair Elsewhere

And by elsewhere, sweetie, we mean anywhere: sideburns, armpits, chest, back, knuckles, a little tuft coming through the crotch. Play it off as a mistake, but let it be known: “Hair” is not a problem in this band.

 

 

5. Alex Stands In Back.

If you don’t have Alex stand in the back it messes everything up. Drummers are never meant to be up front. If you see any of Alex’s lower half it will be a disaster. Put him in the back where he can loom over the others. Loom!

 

 

 

 

Conclusion: Beautiful, guys. No psychos in this photo. Prepare yourselves for a long and fruitful career with absolutely no turmoil.

Opinion: I Was Definitely at Your Show, but I Was in the Back and Had To Leave Early

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Hey man, great set the other night! You really knocked ’em dead. I know you’re probably wondering why you didn’t see me out there and the answer is simple: I was standing in the back and had to leave early.

Yep, that’s right. I was there, but it was probably just hard to see me considering I was all the way at the very back of the bar and the stage lights are pretty bright up there. Also, you didn’t interact with me at the end of your set because I had to leave early on account of working the next morning. I just can’t keep up with that rock and roll lifestyle like you!

Oh your show was Friday night? That’s right! Well… I left early because I was so tired from working early the entire week before. They’re working me so hard I can’t even keep my days straight! But anyway, as I mentioned, I was totally there and I thought your guitar solo on the song I definitely know the name of was killer! I would have told you at the time, but I bolted pretty quickly because ya know… tired and all. Wait, shit.

You play synth in this band. Goddamn it. Well your tone was so wild that it sounded like a guitar and I couldn’t see you very well because, as I’ve said, I was in the back. Also, a really huge dude was standing in front of me the whole time.

Ya know, I’m starting to remember that you might have headlined this one. My bad, I was still there though, but I left early to let my dogs out. I came right back though! And while I intended to be front and center for the entire set, sadly there were just too many people and I had to return to the back, where I was directly behind the aforementioned large man who likely blocked your entire view of me as it did mine of you.

Okay, I’m sensing some friction here. Look, we’re friends, and it’s okay if we disagree. You think I’m full of shit and I wasn’t at your show. In my opinion, I was at the show. We are allowed to have different beliefs! Let’s just agree to disagree and move on.

“Mortal Kombat” Fan’s Quan Chi Cosplay Mistaken for Billy Corgan Cosplay

Posted on by Chris Bowen

CHICAGO — “Mortal Kombat” superfan and cosplayer Dennis Trimble became increasingly frustrated while attending a local video game expo after multiple people acknowledged his Billy Corgan cosplay which was actually a Quan Chi outfit he had spent many hours perfecting, sources report.

“I wanted to make this as realistic as possible so I shaved my head, spent hours getting the makeup just right, and now everyone keeps telling me I’m the best Billy Corgan they have ever seen,” Trimble explained. “After all the hard work, detail, and effort I put into creating this thing, I can’t help but want to bicycle kick the next person to ask me ‘Hey bro, nice Corgan outfit, but where’s the Zero shirt?’ I didn’t spend 14 hours at the dump looking for stuff to make this goddamn outfit just to be confused for some washed-up alt-rocker! Billy Corgan doesn’t even have a fatality for Christ’s sake!”

Corgan expresses his displeasure for being the victim of mistaken identity.

“I’m getting pretty damn fed up with people out here thinking I’m dressing up as some Demon character from the Mortal Kombat franchise,” Corgan said, adding that he’s in fact, the frontman to a very popular rock band. “I think people tend to forget that I basically reintroduced goth culture to the ‘90s audience, and I’m also bald. I can’t help it that some video game character who the developers probably based on me anyways looks like me, and I’m sure not changing the way I look because of it.”

Longtime fan of the cosplaying lifestyle Sandra Fuentes talks about other occasions of mistaken cosplay.

“Unfortunately, if you’re part of the cosplay world, eventually someone is probably going to mistake your initial costume for a musician of some sort,” Fuentes said. “A friend of mine who’s a huge Power Rangers fan made an incredibly clever Zordon costume, and everyone kept complimenting him on his ‘Moby’s Severed Head Floating in a Jar’ cosplay whenever he would wear it in public. The sad reality of die-hard fandom is the fact that this sort of thing just comes with the territory.”

At press time, Corgan was challenged to a fight to the death by a man dressed as Sub Zero to which he declined.

100 ’90s Television Theme Songs Ranked By How Hard We Can Mosh to Them

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

The 1990s were a golden age for television. Sitcoms drew massive ratings, networks were programming shows for viewers of all ages, and a good theme song could really set you apart. But what makes for a good theme song? Is it the melody, a catchy hook maybe? The only thing we care about is how hard we can mosh to it. We pulled our vintage Bane hoodie out of storage, put on our favorite camo shorts, and cleared our space in our bedroom because it is time to put these theme songs to the test and see which one reigns supreme when it comes to moshing.

100. The Sopranos

“The Sopranos” is more of an early 2000s show, but it premiered in 1999 so it makes the list. The show has a theme song so un-moshable that it makes me physically ill. You might expect a show about hard dudes to have a hard theme song, but this lacks in every dimension. Not a single spin kick was thrown while listening. Listen here

99. Frasier

This is absolute fucking horseshit from start to finish. What is this guy singing about? Where are the lyrics about brotherhood, unity, respect? The fact this show takes place in Seattle and this is the theme song is a crime against humanity. Listen here

98. ER

Just because something is synth-heavy doesn’t mean you can’t mosh to it, unless it’s this trash bag song. My feet never moved while listening to this boring piece of dog crap, no windmills, nothing. Listen here

97. The X-Files

The X-Files should have had a ’90s straight edge band create their theme song, it’s just too easy. But they didn’t they have a semi-spooky ambient theme that has never inspired anyone to stage dive. Listen to XFilesX instead. Listen here

96. Are You Afraid of the Dark?

This theme song would be perfect to play as an intro to a heavier song, right as the theme finishes the drummer should hit their China cymbal to start off a brutal breakdown, but as it stands right now there is nothing here worth moshing to. Listen here

95. Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper

If you can mosh to this song then you are a better person than me. I tried everything I could, but I got nowhere. This song is on my sex playlist though, because nostalgia gets me in the mood. Listen here

94. Blossom

Despite the fact the titular character of Blossom is doing mosh-adjacent moves in her bedroom during this theme the fact remains this song absolutely blows. It’s like ’90s shows didn’t want me to crowdkill my entire family while we all gathered around the television for light-hearted laughs. Listen here

93. Northern Exposure

No surprise here. A show about Alaska doesn’t have a moshable theme. Name one hardcore band from Alaska, I’ll wait. Listen here

92. Twin Peaks

I’m starting to get tired standing around so much. If a doctor checked my pulse they would say “Hey, you are so bored by this song you are legally dead, let me prescribe you some Shattered Realm.” Thanks “Twin Peaks” theme song, you killed me. Listen here

91. Everybody Loves Raymond

More fucking jazz. “Everybody Loves Raymond” is another show that falls victim to the scourge of piano intros. The only reason this isn’t dead last is because it sort of reminds me of a Vulgar Pigeons song. Listen here

90. The West Wing

Alright a show about Washington D.C. Surely they will use a D.C. hardcore band for their theme right? Not even close. They decided to go with a song that sounds like it should play over an In Memoriam segment at an award show. Listen here

89. J.A.G.

This song starts off promising with some drums, then the horns kick in and all of a sudden you are left standing around looking like a complete prick. You just want one fast riff for a circle pit, but it won’t happen here. Listen here

88. Mad About You

The “Mad About You” theme song is one of the worst examples of white guy jazz there is. And nobody has ever moshed to white guy jazz. Listen here

87. Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

All horns and strings in this theme song. But somehow it’s even worse than ska, at least you can skank to ska. There is no skanking to this theme, not even close. Listen here

86. Hercules: The Legendary Journeys

If you expected a show about a legendary fighter to have a great theme song that primes you for merciless beatings you would be sorely mistaken. Another “fantastic score” by some band geeks. Listen here

85. Ally McBeal

The year is 1997 and this theme song sounds like something your mother would listen to on cassette when she’s driving alone and thinking about how much better her life would be without kids. Mom music is not mosh music. Listen here

84. The Nanny

I had high hopes for this one, because I’m ready to mosh. Believe me, I want to mosh fucking hard. But the best this theme song can do is get a toe tap, which I guess is better than nothing at this point. Listen here

83. Sex and the City

More jazz. It’s like people running Hollywood completely ignored the great hardcore bands of the ’90s on purpose. How hard would it have been to get Madball to do the theme? Listen here

82. Rugrats

Another theme song that starts off promising with a drum roll and then devolves into chaos, but not in a good way that makes me want to cartwheel into people standing around by the merch table. Listen here

81. Seinfeld

This is some solid slap bass, and hell if this devolved into a nu-metal song I wouldn’t even be that mad. Unfortunately it doesn’t and we are left with nothing to swing our fists to. Listen here

80. King of Queens

A portly guy with a blue-collar job in New York? Ok, here we go. This theme is probably going to be performed by Sworn Enemy or something right? Wrong again. It’s just a guy fucking whining about his bad back, I guess I can relate. Listen here

79. The Tick

More jazz, this time with some vocal scatting. It’s the heaviest jazz song so far, but still jazz. If there is one thing we know for sure it’s that nobody can mosh to jazz. Listen here

78. The Critic

God fucking damn it, if I could go back in time I’d join a jazz ensemble that specializes in tv show theme songs. But as it stands now I spent most of my time in the ’90s Xing up my hands and making sure I had a canned good to bring to shows. Listen here

77. Sister Sister

If a hardcore band wanted to cover the “Sister Sister” theme they could slow it down, throw some Misfits ‘woahs” in there, and have a decent track, but in its original form it’s a lost cause. Listen here

76. Law and Order

The “Law and Order” theme kind of goes hard, but it never gets you over the hump. Ideally, you are compelled to mosh by sheer force of will, not because you’ve been standing around for an hour and your knees hurt. Listen here

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Clarence Thomas Recommends Students Just Get Wealthy GOP Donors to Pay Off Their Debt

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

WASHINGTON — Following the Supreme Court’s 6-3 decision to strike down President Biden’s debt relief program, Justice Clarence Thomas released a statement saying students should find wealthy GOP mega-donors to pay for college.

“I am just a humble public servant, and I’m able to travel the world, lounge on luxury yachts, and eat endangered animals whenever I want. I didn’t get these things by complaining, I got them by befriending billionaires who ask for absolutely nothing in return,” said Justice Thomas in his majority opinion. “Eliminating student debt would wipe out interest payments that hard-working money lending corporations depend on. That is not fair to the people who took a risk when they decided to exploit your poverty. The best way forward for everyone is to find a titan of industry and have them pay off your debt in full. It’s not hard, I’ve been doing it for over 30 years.”

Retired Justice Stephen Bryer expressed his displeasure with the court’s ruling.

“Well shoot, I was really hoping to apply for some of that cash, because I still owe about $8,000 to Stanford. This is really going to set me back. The other guys on the court always said I should hang out with their oil buddies, and now I’m wishing I had,” said Justice Bryer before turning off his air conditioner to lower his electric bill. “I’m probably going to have to sell my car and start taking the bus to the grocery store to save money. I sent Justice Alito a message on Facebook to tell him how mad I am, but he never responded. I can see that he read it though, which really ticks me off.”

Economists across the country believe Justice Thomas is misguided in his assessment that billionaires are willing to pay off debt.

“The mega-wealthy love to pretend they are altruistic with their money and might talk publicly about canceling the debts of certain students, but they will most likely just buy a Renaissance painting and use that to dodge more taxes instead,” said Janet Lewis, the lead economist at left-leaning think tank The 1789 Project. “We encourage anyone affected by this recent decision to be smart with their money. We know your loans are expensive right now, but the good news is that guillotine construction is rather cheap and they are still very effective.”

At press time, the six conservative Supreme Court Justices claimed the dump truck full of money parked at the loading dock was money they won playing Keno the night before.

Photo by Earl McDonald.

Band Rearranges Entire Schedule to Cater to Single Fan Who Commented “No Idaho?” on Tour Announcement Post

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

REXBURG, Idaho – Touring hardcore band Wishcast recently announced they’re changing their entire tour schedule because a single Idahoan was upset the band wasn’t coming to their state, astonished sources reported.

“When we saw that passive aggressive message on our Instagram post questioning our plans to skip over Idaho on our exclusively East Coast tour, we realized we fucked up. We would like to formally apologize to all of our three fans in Idaho, and presumably the hundreds of other local Idahoans for not recognizing that people actually live there,” said lead vocalist Anh Giang. “Another way to look at it, we finally have someone who loves our music enough to publicly bitch and moan when we make the responsible financial decision to skip over a few cities. Wait, does Idaho even have cities? Or do they only have unincorporated communities?”

The fan who started this fiasco, Gregg Sweetley, was excited to see the band change their mind.

“This is the coolest shit to happen in Rexburg since that time a Metallica cover band got lost and had to spend the night here. I’m just glad there’s finally another band coming here, the entire scene is stoked,” said Sweetly. “Sadly, I won’t be able to make it to the show that night. Yeah, I’m gonna be really busy that day, I’ve got to uhh, yeah I gotta go to the next town over so I can buy one of those fancy automatic can openers. But, I’m sure the band will have fun here!”

Others, like the band’s tour manager, are not as excited for the band’s visit to Rexburg.

“What the fuck is happening anymore? That day is my 32nd birthday and I’ll be in fucking Idaho. This shit has me wondering where I went wrong in my life to be here. I’m pretty sure it was when I got a job at Hot Topic. It really was all downhill from there,” said a despondent Sarah Amato. “Putting aside my current existential life crisis, we’re losing so much money coming here. We’re going from Chicago to Idaho and back to D.C. in the span of five days. Also, we haven’t sold a single ticket yet, even when they’re $1.00 a piece. Even Ticketmaster is on our ass now because they only get $0.20 if any tickets sell.”

At press time, Amato was found using a burner account to comment “Come to the Maldives” on the band’s Instagram post.