50. Hey Arnold!
If you thought we were done with jazz themes you would be dead wrong. The reason this one isn’t lower is because it’s played at a slightly faster pace and Arnold sort of looks like he’s into punk. Listen here
49. Beakman’s World
The “Beakman’s World” theme song starts off strong with someone semi-screaming the title and then turns into a song that sounds like the score of a jungle level in the N64 edition of “Mario Kart.” Listen here
48. Gargoyles
Just look at these mutants, surely this is going to be some brutal black metal from the depths of Norway right? No, another orchestral arrangement, at least this one is sort of heavy and the voiceover is angry. Listen here
47. Wishbone
What’s the fucking story Wishbone? It turns out it’s a tale about a wimpy theme song. Kids don’t get motivated to read when they hear a song written by a wuss. They get motivated to read during circle pits, that’s a scientific fact. Listen here
46. Tiny Toon Adventures
Sometimes a no-name beatdown hardcore band will go viral for a music video where the band has like 15 vocalists. The “Tiny Toon Adventures” theme song is sort of like that, but for kids and without someone pointing a gun at the camera. Listen here
45. Roswell
There was a time in the mid-00s when metalcore bands would try to write the heaviest breakdowns but then in the same song have some soft part with a guest vocalist, this theme song is sort of like that soft part. It’s mosh adjacent at the very least. Listen here
44. Darkwing Duck
The only thing the “Darkwing Duck” has going for it is the fact the tempo is sort of fast and someone says “Let’s get dangerous” but there is really nothing dangerous about this song. Don’t expect to be spin kicked. Listen here
43. Goosebumps
If you swapped out the piano for a guitar in this theme song you might actually have a pretty heavy breakdown on your hands. But as it stands we have another song without a single mosh part. I haven’t moshed once. This sucks. Listen here
42. Dharma and Greg
You have guitar, you have some drums (probably a synth) and you think it might go somewhere. But it doesn’t it just loops over and over and the madness might drive you to moshing, but it probably won’t. Listen here
41. Eureka’s Castle
It turns out that the people creating theme music for children’s shows usually decided to use songs with soft melodies that kids could sing along to. But they are forgetting how important singalong parts are to so many hardcore songs. Listen here
40. Animaniacs
The Animaniacs could be the name of a joke hardcore band that writes entire songs as progressively heavier breakdowns, but as a cartoon television program, the theme song is in the tradition of orchestral arrangments. This one is fast, but not moshable. Listen here
39. 3rd Rock from the Sun
Holy crap, this could be considered rock and roll music. This is the building block of punk and hardcore. Are we getting close to actually being able to mosh? I’m so excited I’m starting to do a little pre-mosh shuffle. Listen here
38. Beavis and Butt-Head
The main reason this isn’t higher is because of expectations. Beavis and Butt-Head loved heavy music, they headbanged, they sort of moshed when they dance, but the show’s theme song is a blues riff with piano. No moshing yet, but the nervous anticipation is building. Listen here
37. In Living Color
Heavy D and the Boyz go pretty hard on this theme song. You know the Fly Girls are going nuts, but much like me they aren’t moshing. They are doing choreographed dance moves while I sort of sway around. Listen here
36. Ren and Stimpy
The “Ren and Stimpy” theme is pretty chaotic at first, and it almost makes you want to open things up a bit. If it stayed at that pace I’d be moshing, but it sort of backslides into a jazzy riff that doesn’t inspire random acts of violence. Listen here
35. Martin
There aren’t many lyrics in this theme song, but all of them are yelled. So it almost made me want to start pointing my finger and piling up. But I’m alone, always alone. Listen here
34. Johnny Bravo
Similar to the “Ren and Stimpy” theme this song is played fast, but there isn’t much there that would make you want to single someone out at a show and make their life miserable by constantly moshing directly in front of them. Listen here
33. Baywatch
Alright, here we go. A soft rock song that your dentist might consider “pretty punk rock.” You can’t mosh to this song, you simply can’t. But those drums will make you think moshing is on the horizon. Listen here
32. NYPD Blue
We have another theme song where the drums hit way harder than the rest of the instruments. But at the end of the day even if this song was written by All Out War we still wouldn’t include copaganda in our top 30. It’s lucky it’s this high up. Listen here
31. Bill Nye the Science Guy
Wailing guitar, repetitive chanting, and a fast pace? This theme song has all the elements of something you can mosh too. Unfortunately, it falls short because the songwriters didn’t take into account moshing requires structure and this song has nothing close to that. Listen here
30. Sabrina the Teenage Witch
We have some wailing guitar and a driving drum beat fueling this song, but it’s not mosh guitar and not once does the drummer hit a China cymbal. For a show about witches, they could have gone a bit more goth, but hey we don’t run Hollywood. Listen here
29. La Femme Nikita
This theme starts off with promise. We have dissonant noise that could be guitar feedback which makes you think we might have a Botch song on our hands, but then it goes industrial. Fret not, it’s kind of heavy. Then the vocals kick in and it’s like if Enya tried writing a Nine Inch Nails song. Listen here
28. Seventh Heaven
“Seventh Heaven” is a Christian show and this song is the exact right amount of hard rock most Christians can handle before they label something “Satanic.” The original Zao lineup would have been a better choice to do the song. It also sounds sort of like the song Jason Lee skates to in “Video Days.” (And yes, we know what the actor who played the dad on the show did. Make your own “Pop punk frontman” joke.) Listen here
27. Pokémon
Things are starting to get promising. The songs are getting faster, slightly heavier, but the “Pokémon” theme sounds like Journey entered the studio with a producer that worked exclusively with boy bands to produce this theme. Listen here
26. Dawson’s Creek
This is the definition of ’90s soft rock. It’s probably the default hold music you hear when you are on the phone with your health insurance provider, but it still ranks higher on the mosh scale than most theme songs because the chorus is a pile up part. Listen here