The 1990s were a golden age for television. Sitcoms drew massive ratings, networks were programming shows for viewers of all ages, and a good theme song could really set you apart. But what makes for a good theme song? Is it the melody, a catchy hook maybe? The only thing we care about is how hard we can mosh to it. We pulled our vintage Bane hoodie out of storage, put on our favorite camo shorts, and cleared our space in our bedroom because it is time to put these theme songs to the test and see which one reigns supreme when it comes to moshing.
100. The Sopranos
“The Sopranos” is more of an early 2000s show, but it premiered in 1999 so it makes the list. The show has a theme song so un-moshable that it makes me physically ill. You might expect a show about hard dudes to have a hard theme song, but this lacks in every dimension. Not a single spin kick was thrown while listening. Listen here
99. Frasier
This is absolute fucking horseshit from start to finish. What is this guy singing about? Where are the lyrics about brotherhood, unity, respect? The fact this show takes place in Seattle and this is the theme song is a crime against humanity. Listen here
98. ER
Just because something is synth-heavy doesn’t mean you can’t mosh to it, unless it’s this trash bag song. My feet never moved while listening to this boring piece of dog crap, no windmills, nothing. Listen here
97. The X-Files
The X-Files should have had a ’90s straight edge band create their theme song, it’s just too easy. But they didn’t they have a semi-spooky ambient theme that has never inspired anyone to stage dive. Listen to XFilesX instead. Listen here
96. Are You Afraid of the Dark?
This theme song would be perfect to play as an intro to a heavier song, right as the theme finishes the drummer should hit their China cymbal to start off a brutal breakdown, but as it stands right now there is nothing here worth moshing to. Listen here
95. Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper
If you can mosh to this song then you are a better person than me. I tried everything I could, but I got nowhere. This song is on my sex playlist though, because nostalgia gets me in the mood. Listen here
94. Blossom
Despite the fact the titular character of Blossom is doing mosh-adjacent moves in her bedroom during this theme the fact remains this song absolutely blows. It’s like ’90s shows didn’t want me to crowdkill my entire family while we all gathered around the television for light-hearted laughs. Listen here
93. Northern Exposure
No surprise here. A show about Alaska doesn’t have a moshable theme. Name one hardcore band from Alaska, I’ll wait. Listen here
92. Twin Peaks
I’m starting to get tired standing around so much. If a doctor checked my pulse they would say “Hey, you are so bored by this song you are legally dead, let me prescribe you some Shattered Realm.” Thanks “Twin Peaks” theme song, you killed me. Listen here
91. Everybody Loves Raymond
More fucking jazz. “Everybody Loves Raymond” is another show that falls victim to the scourge of piano intros. The only reason this isn’t dead last is because it sort of reminds me of a Vulgar Pigeons song. Listen here
90. The West Wing
Alright a show about Washington D.C. Surely they will use a D.C. hardcore band for their theme right? Not even close. They decided to go with a song that sounds like it should play over an In Memoriam segment at an award show. Listen here
89. J.A.G.
This song starts off promising with some drums, then the horns kick in and all of a sudden you are left standing around looking like a complete prick. You just want one fast riff for a circle pit, but it won’t happen here. Listen here
88. Mad About You
The “Mad About You” theme song is one of the worst examples of white guy jazz there is. And nobody has ever moshed to white guy jazz. Listen here
87. Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman
All horns and strings in this theme song. But somehow it’s even worse than ska, at least you can skank to ska. There is no skanking to this theme, not even close. Listen here
86. Hercules: The Legendary Journeys
If you expected a show about a legendary fighter to have a great theme song that primes you for merciless beatings you would be sorely mistaken. Another “fantastic score” by some band geeks. Listen here
85. Ally McBeal
The year is 1997 and this theme song sounds like something your mother would listen to on cassette when she’s driving alone and thinking about how much better her life would be without kids. Mom music is not mosh music. Listen here
84. The Nanny
I had high hopes for this one, because I’m ready to mosh. Believe me, I want to mosh fucking hard. But the best this theme song can do is get a toe tap, which I guess is better than nothing at this point. Listen here
83. Sex and the City
More jazz. It’s like people running Hollywood completely ignored the great hardcore bands of the ’90s on purpose. How hard would it have been to get Madball to do the theme? Listen here
82. Rugrats
Another theme song that starts off promising with a drum roll and then devolves into chaos, but not in a good way that makes me want to cartwheel into people standing around by the merch table. Listen here
81. Seinfeld
This is some solid slap bass, and hell if this devolved into a nu-metal song I wouldn’t even be that mad. Unfortunately it doesn’t and we are left with nothing to swing our fists to. Listen here
80. King of Queens
A portly guy with a blue-collar job in New York? Ok, here we go. This theme is probably going to be performed by Sworn Enemy or something right? Wrong again. It’s just a guy fucking whining about his bad back, I guess I can relate. Listen here
79. The Tick
More jazz, this time with some vocal scatting. It’s the heaviest jazz song so far, but still jazz. If there is one thing we know for sure it’s that nobody can mosh to jazz. Listen here
78. The Critic
God fucking damn it, if I could go back in time I’d join a jazz ensemble that specializes in tv show theme songs. But as it stands now I spent most of my time in the ’90s Xing up my hands and making sure I had a canned good to bring to shows. Listen here
77. Sister Sister
If a hardcore band wanted to cover the “Sister Sister” theme they could slow it down, throw some Misfits ‘woahs” in there, and have a decent track, but in its original form it’s a lost cause. Listen here
76. Law and Order
The “Law and Order” theme kind of goes hard, but it never gets you over the hump. Ideally, you are compelled to mosh by sheer force of will, not because you’ve been standing around for an hour and your knees hurt. Listen here