75. Stargate SG-1
The “Stargate SG-1” theme is about as heavy as an orchestra pit is going to get, but it’s not the sort of pit I’m interested in. 0 out of 10 on the mosh scale. Listen here
74. The Simpsons
Although plenty of hardcore bands have named themselves after references from “The Simpsons” it still doesn’t make up for the fact the show’s theme song doesn’t have a single mosh part. Listen here
73. Eerie, Indiana
This show was meant to be kind of spooky and the theme song does have a “haunted carnival” vibe, but I’d much rather prefer a song that gives off a “run for cover, there is a 350-pound dude spin kicking his way across the venue” vibe. Listen here
72. Wings
Another snooze fest. At least it’s not jazz. I swear to god if I have to sit through more jazz I’m going to lose my fucking mind. This just sounds like a college kid who happens to be good at piano sat down to noodle on the keys for a minute. Listen here
71. Boy Meets World
“Boy Meets World” had a few different theme songs, and we wish we could focus on one of the later versions that sounds sort of like Blink-182, but instead we are forced to consider the original theme which sounds like it should play over the credits of “Ocarina of Time,” but as an insult. Listen here
70. Ellen
Who writes music this crappy? How can a song be so flute-forward? These are the question I ask myself as I stand perfectly still, not moshing at all, not even thinking about moshing. Thinking about death instead. Listen here
69. Family Matters
Unfortunately “Family Matters” premiered before some of the best Chicago ’90s hardcore hit the scene. That’s why we are stuck with this song, which is catchy, but doesn’t make me want to mule-kick a 15-year-old. Listen here
68. Bobby’s World
Was it wrong of me to expect heavy guitar riffs during the theme song of a children’s TV show? Apparently so. I don’t even know what instrument is being used in this song, either way I’m not moving. Listen here
67. Freakazoid!
The “Freakazoid!” theme could have been so much better if they hired Human Remains to do the song. This character deserves a weird grind band with breakdowns supplying the song that sets the tone, but instead it’s more bad jazz-adjacent boring crap. Listen here
66. Walker, Texas Ranger
Whenever the star of a show sings the theme song you know it’s going to be lackluster. More talk-singing, no mosh calls whatsoever. Would it kill Chuck to say something like “Fuck this place up!” a couple times during the song? Listen here
65. Nash Bridges
By now I would have hoped at least we got close to a show with a moshable theme, but here we are with more crap rock that I’m not even sure how to classify, all I know is that if I don’t start moshing soon I’m going to put my fist through a wall. Listen here
64. Step by Step
“Step by Step” sounds like it would be a band that released an EP on Revelation in 1989 and then broke up, but it’s actually a show with a theme song that has legit gang vocals in the back half. But they aren’t tough enough to get me to mosh. Listen here
63. Doug
This song is probably already stuck in your head without even hearing it, and that means you already know that nobody is moshing to this. Not a single person in the history of the world ever could or will. Listen here
62. TaleSpin
The “TaleSpin” theme has a lot going on, but what it doesn’t have is a part where all the music drops out and comes back 10 times harder after the drummer hits the crash cymbal. Listen here
61. All That
TLC did this theme song, and one time Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez burnt down a house, which is pretty metal. But TLC’s music doesn’t lean hardcore at all, and that’s on full display here. Listen here
60. Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
A Cappella theme songs basically guarantee you won’t be moshing in front of the television, and sure enough, Rockapella delivers a dud when it comes to wanting to go off. Wherever Carmen Sandiego is we know for a fact she isn’t moshing to this junk. Listen here
59. Recess
The “Recess” theme seems promising, then once again we get a flute-forward dud. The flute is the least tough instrument of all time. That’s a fact. Listen here
58. Futurama
Sometimes songs with bells can be sick, just look at Minor Threat’s “Salad Days.” But the “Futurama” theme doesn’t use the bell to signal a breakdown, or anything really. Very disappointing. Listen here
57. Kenan and Kel
If Coolio is doing your theme song there is a low percentage chance of mosh parts, but it’s not 0%. Unfortunately for me, Coolio (RIP) decided to play it safe with this song and not have any breakdowns that would make kids jump through their coffee tables. Listen here
56. Angry Beavers
If you got your hopes up thinking “Angry Beavers” might be angry enough about deforestation that they would have an Earth Crisis-type theme song then I have bad news. This is mainly trumpets, no riffs or divebombs. Listen here
55. The Wayans Bros.
I had pretty high hopes for this one. It starts off as a joke, so I thought maybe it would transition into a powerviolence song like something Spazz was putting out at the time, but it transitions into some pretty decent hip hop.
54. Salute Your Shorts
This is the biggest disappointment yet. Donkeylips is definitely a guy that would front a beatdown hardcore band. Sponge would be the primary songwriter, but Budnick would get all the credit. Either way, it’s just a weak camp song for the theme. They blew it. Listen here
53. Dinosaurs
Here we go, this theme starts off with a slow build up. Then Big Earl hits us with a “Honey, I’m home” and that’s when they should hit you with a breakdown so heavy it causes a mass extinction event, but instead they chose to go with the dorkiest musical arrangement I’ve ever heard. Listen here.
52. Pinky and the Brain
If you kept the same vocals, but sped them up a bit you could probably make the argument that it sounds a bit like Iron Chic. But, in its current form the best this song did was make me march in place, which definitely isn’t moshing. Listen here
51. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Hell yeah, one of the most legendary themes of the ’90s. But guess what? It’s Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff handling the music. They were never really known as musicians that favored mosh parts and that shows in this song. Listen here