REXBURG, Idaho – Touring hardcore band Wishcast recently announced they’re changing their entire tour schedule because a single Idahoan was upset the band wasn’t coming to their state, astonished sources reported.
“When we saw that passive aggressive message on our Instagram post questioning our plans to skip over Idaho on our exclusively East Coast tour, we realized we fucked up. We would like to formally apologize to all of our three fans in Idaho, and presumably the hundreds of other local Idahoans for not recognizing that people actually live there,” said lead vocalist Anh Giang. “Another way to look at it, we finally have someone who loves our music enough to publicly bitch and moan when we make the responsible financial decision to skip over a few cities. Wait, does Idaho even have cities? Or do they only have unincorporated communities?”
The fan who started this fiasco, Gregg Sweetley, was excited to see the band change their mind.
“This is the coolest shit to happen in Rexburg since that time a Metallica cover band got lost and had to spend the night here. I’m just glad there’s finally another band coming here, the entire scene is stoked,” said Sweetly. “Sadly, I won’t be able to make it to the show that night. Yeah, I’m gonna be really busy that day, I’ve got to uhh, yeah I gotta go to the next town over so I can buy one of those fancy automatic can openers. But, I’m sure the band will have fun here!”
Others, like the band’s tour manager, are not as excited for the band’s visit to Rexburg.
“What the fuck is happening anymore? That day is my 32nd birthday and I’ll be in fucking Idaho. This shit has me wondering where I went wrong in my life to be here. I’m pretty sure it was when I got a job at Hot Topic. It really was all downhill from there,” said a despondent Sarah Amato. “Putting aside my current existential life crisis, we’re losing so much money coming here. We’re going from Chicago to Idaho and back to D.C. in the span of five days. Also, we haven’t sold a single ticket yet, even when they’re $1.00 a piece. Even Ticketmaster is on our ass now because they only get $0.20 if any tickets sell.”
At press time, Amato was found using a burner account to comment “Come to the Maldives” on the band’s Instagram post.