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Clarence Thomas Recommends Students Just Get Wealthy GOP Donors to Pay Off Their Debt

WASHINGTON — Following the Supreme Court’s 6-3 decision to strike down President Biden’s debt relief program, Justice Clarence Thomas released a statement saying students should find wealthy GOP mega-donors to pay for college.

“I am just a humble public servant, and I’m able to travel the world, lounge on luxury yachts, and eat endangered animals whenever I want. I didn’t get these things by complaining, I got them by befriending billionaires who ask for absolutely nothing in return,” said Justice Thomas in his majority opinion. “Eliminating student debt would wipe out interest payments that hard-working money lending corporations depend on. That is not fair to the people who took a risk when they decided to exploit your poverty. The best way forward for everyone is to find a titan of industry and have them pay off your debt in full. It’s not hard, I’ve been doing it for over 30 years.”

Retired Justice Stephen Bryer expressed his displeasure with the court’s ruling.

“Well shoot, I was really hoping to apply for some of that cash, because I still owe about $8,000 to Stanford. This is really going to set me back. The other guys on the court always said I should hang out with their oil buddies, and now I’m wishing I had,” said Justice Bryer before turning off his air conditioner to lower his electric bill. “I’m probably going to have to sell my car and start taking the bus to the grocery store to save money. I sent Justice Alito a message on Facebook to tell him how mad I am, but he never responded. I can see that he read it though, which really ticks me off.”

Economists across the country believe Justice Thomas is misguided in his assessment that billionaires are willing to pay off debt.

“The mega-wealthy love to pretend they are altruistic with their money and might talk publicly about canceling the debts of certain students, but they will most likely just buy a Renaissance painting and use that to dodge more taxes instead,” said Janet Lewis, the lead economist at left-leaning think tank The 1789 Project. “We encourage anyone affected by this recent decision to be smart with their money. We know your loans are expensive right now, but the good news is that guillotine construction is rather cheap and they are still very effective.”

At press time, the six conservative Supreme Court Justices claimed the dump truck full of money parked at the loading dock was money they won playing Keno the night before.

Photo by Earl McDonald.