40 Harry Potter Characters Ranked by How Likely They Formed a Black Metal Band and Burned Down a Church After Graduating From Hogwarts

Posted on by Trevor Graham

At first glance, the whimsical world of Harry Potter may not seem like a place that would produce fans of the early satanic Norwegian black metal scene bent on the destruction of Christianity. But there are some dark characters with disturbing worldviews in this cinematic universe – and we’re not just talking about J.K. Rowling. Here are the top 40 characters who would likely rather listen to Mayhem than that embarrassing Weird Sisters band that played the Yule Ball.

40. Cedric Diggory

Whatever the version of a right-leaning capitalist finance bro is in this world Cedric Diggory is certainly it. He’s also too dreamy and handsome to be into black metal. No way is he covering up that perfect bone structure in corpse paint and fake blood.

39. Ginny Weasley

Well, let’s see, did Harry Potter start a black metal band and burn down a church? No? Then this one-dimensional tagalong unflavored bowl of oatmeal of a character wouldn’t either.

38. Dolores Umbridge

I’m a little unclear what the magic world thinks of religion especially Christianity, but Umbridge is probably the closest thing to a self-righteous church lady. Everything about her oozes passive-aggressiveness and to be black metal you need to ooze aggressive-aggressiveness, and also jet black blood.

37. Fred and George Weasley

These two smarmy troublemakers don’t take anything seriously. They spend their time pulling pranks on school administrators and opened a store that’s basically a magical Spencer’s Gifts. If they started a band it would be a snotty pop-punk nightmare.

36. Fleur Delacour

A Frenchy French face whose name translates to “flower of the court.” I don’t really know what that means and I’m not saying she can’t be into black metal because she is French or named after a court flower but let’s be real here, the only thing she’s burning is the top of a Crème Brûlée.

35. Albus Dumbledore

He shuffles around in a bathrobe with his long beard and seems to be either unphased by anything or just totally out of it. This dude is into stoner metal, not black metal. Wouldn’t be surprised if he has a band in the multiverse with Gandolf, Merlin, and Orko from He-Man called Mountain Wizard or something.

34. Dudley Dursley

Chances seemed high for this muggle to turn into an agent for Beelzebub in his early years but then he showed up in the beginning of Order of the Phoenix wearing that shiny silver shirt like an extra from “Tokyo Drift” and it was obvious he had gotten into terrible hip hop and drops the word “bruv” in every sentence.

33. Barty Crouch Jr.

I mean he is definitely batshit enough to devote his life to Lucifer and he does that whole lizard tongue thing when he talks which would be a cool stage act thing but he spends most of his time pretending to be Mad Eye and it’s just too confusing to know who this guy actually is.

32. Susan Bones

Does anyone really remember her? She was either Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. How do I know that? Because all of the non-memorable characters came from either Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. Anyway, Susan Bones is a pretty dope name but really not black metal. Sounds more like she would be in a magic-themed Misfits cover band called The Wiz-Fits.

31. Quininus Quirrell

This guy is a weak-willed simp who does whatever the dark lord commands him to. He lets he-who-shall-not-be-named live on the back of his head and covers it up with an uncomfortable-looking turban and ends up a pile of ashes because Harry “I don’t understand anything about magic” Potter touched him. Something tells me if he were to burn down a church it would only be because some cool kids peer pressured him into it.

30. Cho Chang

Soft-spoken and a bit of an introvert with long black hair. Okay, good start. But she’s a bit of a lovelorn romantic who wears cardigan sweaters and probably Fluevogs. She is 100% shoegaze and with that Irish accent most likely a huge My Bloody Valentine fan.

29. Ron Weasley

After being the butt of the joke while living in the shadow of his popular friend Harry, Ron’s probably got a chip on his shoulder the size of a Norwegian Ridgeback. So it’s possible he could turn to the horrific soundtrack of black metal to escape his mediocre-dom. But as far as burning down a church goes, he’d probably try to use a spell and bungle it and instead conjure a bezoar or something.

28. Nymphadora Tonks

She has a takes-no-shit attitude and married a dude honestly way too old for her so I’m going to guess there are some unresolved issues with her father. She definitely has a Riot Grrl playlist but is decidedly not into black metal which, let’s be honest, can have some questionable misogynistic imagery.

27. Sybil Trelawney

What a surprise! Hippie-ass Dumbledore hires his hippie-ass friend to teach a divination class with dubious academic value. That said, when she had that premonition of Harry and Voldemort’s connection she did that cool thing with her voice which almost sounds like the guy from Cradle of Filth.

26. Newt Scamander

I’ll be honest, I don’t know who this is because I never saw any of those Fantastic Beasts movies. But just based on the way he’s dressed with his early century handsome Doctor Who vibes plus the fact his name is Newt I’m going with a hard no on this one.

25. Hermione Granger

The ultimate teacher’s pet who no doubt would remind them if they had forgotten to assign homework over the weekend. Although she may have a bit of a defiant streak in her and set fire to Snape’s robe she is too much of a rule follower to ever break the law by committing actual arson.

24. Gilderoy Lockhart

This bumbling tool with his perfect blonde hair is about as black metal as my aunt Connie. That said, after his memory charm backfires on him he’s basically a blank slate and could probably be convinced that burning down a church in Norway will help his book sales.

23. Remus Lupin

He might be a guy who would burn down a church but he also is a werewolf who forgets to take his wolfsbane potion on THE ONE NIGHT THERE IS A FULL MOON. So he’d probably miss the church burning because he forgot to put it in his iCal (or is it just called Calendar now?)

22. Hagrid

He’s a bulking bearded kind-hearted loner who loves dragons and lives alone. Even in a world filled with fantastical creatures and histrionic robe-wearing wizards, he seems like a bit of a dork. If he was into any kind of metal it would be something like Dream Theater or Blind Guardian.

21. Draco Malfoy

This spoiled little shit likes to cosplay as an evildoer but when it comes time to get his hands dirty and do the dark lord’s work he’s a sniveling coward. He seems more like a Nu-Metal aficionado anyway.

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MAGA Republican Wishes Green Day Would Keep Politics Out of “American Idiot”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

NEW YORK — Local Donald Trump supporter Joel Grainston wished Green Day would keep politics out of their song “American Idiot” after singer Billie Joe Armstrong unexpectedly changed the lyrics during a New Year’s Eve performance, confirmed sources who demanded they redo the show with the correct words.

“Unbelievable. Next you’re going to tell me NWA’s ‘Fuck tha Police’ is an anti-cop song that speaks out against police brutality,” said Grainston without breaking eye contact with Fox News on his television while fully reclined in his chair. “I just wish the band would stick to what they do best and keep ‘American Idiot’ to whatever it was supposed to be about in the first place. Something about masturbation, right? In a perfect world, they would be more like Rage Against the Machine and remain neutral in the political landscape. At least I think so. They’re not on Truth Social so I can’t really confirm what they’re about one way or another.”

Fans of Green Day seemed extremely supportive of the lyric change.

“I just can’t get enough of media, music, and anyone with an internet connection telling Trump supporters what catastrophic imbeciles they are,” said longtime fan Emily Stansfield. “It’s like MAGA people can’t take being called an idiot by millionaires who haven’t had to think about money in decades anymore. If we are going to bring this country together, it’ll be by shaming the side I am diametrically opposed to. I wholeheartedly support Billie Joe changing the lyrics to make ‘American Idiot’ more on the nose, but I don’t think it went far enough. We need an updated ‘Basketcase’ too. Mainly because I have no clue what that one is about.”

Music historian Deborah Shanlinger documented other times musicians made updates to match current events.

“Artists have been changing the words to their songs for as long as politically driven tracks have been around,” said Shanlinger. “In fact, Woody Guthrie famously had the sticker on his guitar that read ‘This machine kills fascists.’ However, that message was thought to get lost on fans as fascism still existed afterward, so Woody would update the sticker before each show to name fascists individually. For instance, for his last performance, the sticker read: ‘This machine kills fascists named Greg in Accounting who just got divorced.’ Unfortunately, it only seemed to drive whoever Greg was into extremism though. You win some, you lose some, I guess.”

At press time, Grainston vowed to never listen to another Green Day album that came out after 2000 again despite never really doing that anyway.

20 Sunny Day Real Estate Songs to Listen to After Learning Your Friends Are Hanging Out Without You

Posted on by Eric Degliomini

Uh oh! You just opened Instagram and noticed all your friends are all in the same place and having a blast without you. Were you accidentally excluded due to your wallflower-like social demeanor or have you been being a dick in ways you haven’t realized? Either way, you’re going to be up thinking about this tonight, so why not try to force an epiphany with the only Seattle ’90s band that successfully captured the feeling of being swallowed alive by solitude (Harvey Danger came close), Sunny Day Real Estate! (Go listen to the playlist)

20. In Circles

Let’s get it out of the way. Second Wave Emo’s anthem about repetitive behavior. Nobody ever actually felt like they were living the same day on repeat until this song came out, and this probably isn’t the first time your friends went out without you! Try making a video of a dog chasing its own tail set to this song and send it to your friends that are out now to test the waters and see if you can get an impromptu invite cause it’s only getting sadder from here.

19. The Shark’s Own Private Fuck

Allegedly, this song is about Nate Mendel dipping from the band to join the Foo Fighters and then having a platform to say that AIDS patients are faking. Weird that you don’t hear about AIDS denial much anymore, I wonder why. Just asking, but you haven’t been telling your friends that you think AIDS patients are faking it right?

18. Grendel

This song starts with a lot of echoey distorted mumbling. Are you mumbling like in this song? Speak up! Life’s not a mid-record deep-cut emo track named after a classic English literature character. Make sure your friends hear you say how much you’d like to go axe throwing when you see them again but try to not sound mad about it.

17. Killed By An Angel

How nice! The rest of the band let Jeremy have the first track to go crazy with all the bible stuff he’s into and the result isn’t bad! Maybe the melding of Arena Rock and Emo isn’t perfect, but try being a little supportive if a friend mentions a project they’re working on even if it sounds bad, maybe you’re being a little too critical and people are tired of it.

16. Pillars

This is a good one to think about if anyone’s been trying to reach out but you haven’t noticed. Maybe if you did you’d be playing Time Crisis at the barcade and not starting to listen to a 25-year-old record you blasted when you didn’t get invited to parties in high school.

15. Rodeo Jones

Just like how the band was pretty much already broken up when they recorded “LP2” and peppered in some “Diary” B-sides like this to fill out the tracklist, your friends could just be done with you! On the brighter side though William Goldsmith absolutely is going full throttle on here.

14. Friday

A really quick but gut-punching meditation on losing love and watching the one that left thrive. If you’ve been harping on a lost flame for a while, maybe it’s time to ease up when going out for drinks after work. Chances are your friends are sick about hearing you still harp on a relationship that ended during Obama’s first term.

13. Lipton Witch

The most recent song that SDRE put out on a Record Store split with Circa Survive in 2014. A song heavy on the riffs that’s about keeping violent secrets in the distance in order to maintain power. Is that what your so-called friends are doing now? Who’s to say they’re not the ones that suck?

12. The Rising Tide

Here is a song about the inefficiency of hiding pain without actually doing any self-improvement. It’s a pretty hopeful ditty that rings out for a good minute at the end of the band’s last album. Would be cool to see them put out another record, but also would be cool if you could pull your weight at trivia.

11. Song About An Angel

A top-shelf selection for feeling like you’ve died already but somehow still exist. “Sometimes you see right through me” has to be the last thing I’d want to hear while looking at my friends eating a really good looking Bavarian Pretzel at a gastropub, but you probably need to.

10. Faces In Disguise

It’s the SDRE song that Paramore covered back in 2007! While she’s likely dealt with some fake friends, Hayley Williams doesn’t seem like the type of person to not get an invite to a hang, so I’m not sure how honestly she can cover this. On the other hand you should be reflecting if embodying the themes of this song by masking your emotions in social situations and coming off as irritable.

9. One

Oh wow, it looks like it’s late enough that the function just moved to karaoke. Looks like your friends are making friends with the other people going up and singing normal people music like “Don’t Stop Believin”? Objectively a much worse song than this beautifully lush reminder of how easy it is to numbly allow time to pass.

8. 5/4

The closest “LP2” gets to the cold sinking sadness of the rest of SDRE’s discography. Everyone’s favorites are here, twinkly guitars, broken promises, being alone, climbing something. Sometimes the classics just work well. You know what else people like? Being bought a beer every now and then after everyone else has treated the group.

7. Tearing In My Heart

Nothing like an opening minute-long field recording of the sound of children to remind you about the people you thought you were close to and how they might not feel the same way! Do you even want to have kids or is that something you feel your friends are pressuring you to be?

6. Every Shining Time You Arrive

This song sounds like it plays before credits hit at the end of a ’90s Edward Norton film where reunites with a girl at a bar. If you’re at a bar and constantly putting on music as a bit from a movie, I’m sure no one likes the bit.

5. 48

Big melancholy sad guitar track that takes a sharp left into an aggressive chorus before ramping back down. Someone once started playing this at work and I actually asked them to turn it off after a few because it made 2 p.m. on a Wednesday in the office feel too much like Fridays alone at 9 p.m. in high school. Don’t put shit like this on the group driving playlist.

4. Days Were Golden

Are you so uncomfortable being alone that you can’t spend one night by yourself? Try doing some journaling, try a little bit of self-reflection, but definitely don’t text all your friends saying “Thanks for the invite dickhead.”

3. Shadows

Sorry bud, but from the moment the somber intro drops, dark hell of isolation is taking you. No minute-long intro to get you ready for this one. Your friends are having the time of their lives without you and you’re listening to and listening to enigmatic visual descriptions of abandonment. They don’t do this one live too much, probably because it hits too hard.

2. Guitar and Video Games

“How does it feel when you run?” yeah try exercising there a little bud. If not for your own good physical and mental health, at least to entertain the thought you’re having about becoming noticeably more fit that your friends will regret not inviting you out.

1. Seven

Look up a video of William Goldsmith doing this song recently and see how wild this classic sounds now. Tell me that he’s not the MVP of Sunny Day and he got kicked out of the Foo Fighters. You’re not the problem, and neither are your friends, the Foo Fighters are.

Go listen to the playlist while your friends have a great time without you:

Local Bartender Using Same Three Adjectives to Describe Seventeen Different Beers

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local bartender Zack Kenton, 28, reportedly used the same three adjectives to describe at least seventeen of the bar’s signature beers, leading to confusion and frustration among bar patrons, buzzed sources confirmed.

“He went down the list of about seventeen IPAs like a disinterested robot. I came here to forget my troubles and this guy seems to want to add to them,” said SloshRocket patron Stephanie Gianetti. “He kept saying everything was ‘fruity, hoppy and super hazy.’ It didn’t matter if it was the ‘Funky Bunch Berry IPA’, the ‘Kitty Kwister Hazy IPA,’ the ‘Atomic Snow Shovel Local IPA,’ even the ‘Thaddeus Cromsheller Esq. Spotlight Ale.’ Every single one of them was fruity, hoppy and, apparently, super hazy. I was looking to drink something malty, or even slightly baroque.”

Even fixtures of the bar, like weekly trivia-night host Grant Sanders were not spared Kenton’s beverage-based descriptions.

“I never host without a drink in my hand,” said Sanders. “Last night, Zack told me that I should get the ‘Duck Fountain Hazy IPA.’ He told me – screamed at me really – that it was super hazy, but also fruity and hoppy. Then, I told him the equipment wasn’t working and he told me to shut my fat loser mouth. Which made me realize he does know some other adjectives, I don’t know why he limits himself so much.”

When reached for comment, Kenton himself stated that he was actually quite surprised at the confusion.

“Consistency’s always been a good thing,” Kenton said with a blank expression while wiping the same spot on the bar for minutes at a time. “We like making good beers, chill vibes and tasty atmosphere. Everything we brew in house is made of the freshest hops, the ripest fruit and then we just go crazy and make it hazy. Even the stouts. Here, you guys should try this one. It’s a new recipe called ‘Grandfather’s Gooch.’ You can’t go wrong slappin’ down a tall glass of Grampy Gooch.”

At press time, Kenton was seen flirting with a bachelorette party seated at the bar and taking a drink of his own preferred brew – Black Cherry White Claw, stating: “Beer actually kinda hurts my tummy.”

How I Quit Smoking Unless It’s on Vacation, During a Party, or When I’m Feeling Stressed

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

It took me years to finally quit smoking. I’m really proud of myself. I’ve pretty much lost the desire to smoke altogether. Unless of course there’s a special circumstance—like maybe I’m on vacation, at a party, or I’m feeling really stressed. I might sneak one then. But other than that I don’t touch ‘em. I’ve made it my mission to help others do the same. So sit back, relax, and learn from a pro. Here’s how I quit smoking.

Start Small

Baby steps are key here. I started off designating certain days of the week as cig-free days. That is unless it was mojito Monday, Tequila Tuesday, wine Wednesday, thirsty Thursday, or Fernet Friday. Sometimes sake Saturday was hard to avoid, but Sunday was easy because it’s the lord’s day. The only reason I needed to smoke on Sunday is if I had work the next day.

Limit Time With Other Smokers

The best way to avoid a pesky craving? Just stop hanging out with other people that smoke. Kinda crazy that I hadn’t thought of it before. It was hard since my partner and all of my friends smoked, so I began a lone wolf lifestyle. Of course, I still let myself have a cheeky cig here and there, like after a meal or when I was feeling anxious. And I literally didn’t smoke other than that. Unless I saw a stranger smoking in public, or on the television.

Don’t Let Anyone Discourage You

When I told my friends I was trying to quit, they just laughed and said, “Okay, buddy.” Pretty discouraging. But not as discouraging as my doctor. She’d go on and on about “lung cancer, pulmonary embolism, bronchitis, hole in your throat, you’re going to need an oxygen tank to push air into the hole in your throat because you won’t be able to breathe normally,” blah blah blah. Always bringing the vibe down. Like damn, do you even want me to come back? That attitude was not what I needed when I was trying to quit smoking. Frankly, that made me nervous, so I smoked right after that.

Only Carry The Essentials

I used to buy a pack every couple of days. Then I decided to quit cold turkey. All I’d ever keep on me was an emergency pack for an unexpected moment of despair. You know, when I was struggling to meet a deadline at work, I needed some air, or I had a beer in my other hand. This technique works wonders when you’re sitting around after a meal or when you’re sipping on a hot coffee, which is still the best way to clear the pipes in the morning. A hot cup of coffee and a cigarette is truly the fastest way to get your guts gurgling, and should be considered a little freebie when you’re backed up.

Practice Saying “No”

The hardest part about quitting is being surrounded by other smokers. It almost feels as though they’re taunting you. It made me feel like my friends were waving their cigarettes in my face and blowing the smoke directly at me. It’s hard to resist. Especially when someone offers you a cig. This will be difficult, but you have to practice saying “no,” to those polite gestures. Walk on down to the nearest liquor store to buy a second emergency pack. After all, what the hell else are you supposed to do with your hands while you’re standing outside the bar anyway? You probably look like a sociopath just raw dogging the vibes like that. Don’t worry, it’s just a single cigarette, it’s not like you’re “smoking” again or anything.

By now, you’ve probably quit altogether. I’m so proud of you. I hope these tips have helped in some small way. Now let’s celebrate with a smoke break!

Midwest Emo Band Releases Special “Oops! All Intros” Version of New Album

Posted on by Peter Woods

AMES, Iowa — Local midwest emo band Local Tennis released a new album titled “Oops! All Intros” which features 36 introductions to songs that appear on their other releases, confused sources confirmed.

“We went into the studio fully intending to write a fully realized album about growing up, relationships, and heartache,” said guitarist Jackie Villa. “We also wanted to have a few solid intros, so we brought in a bunch of TV and podcast samples and just sort of improvised around them. About halfway through, we realized that this was better than the songs we had spent months writing, which is sort of sad but we rolled with it. On day three of recording I was texting a few of my ex-girlfriends just to bait them leaving angry voicemails.

However, die-hard fans of the band seem less enthused than the members.

“It’s pretty clear these assholes sold out,” said longtime supporter Ty Grant. “They used to be about the music, and now they seem to be more interested in writing ambient songs around old clips of Alan Watts. But I’m not surprised, they already started to go down this road on their last album. If you count how many notes the guitarists tapped on that album and the one before, which I did because I’m an actual fan, you’ll see that the total tapped notes decreased by 12. Pretty clear they’re trying to jump to a major label in the next year or two.”

Yet others outside of the band have shared in the excitement of the group’s new direction.

“This is going to bring a whole new level of exposure to some great musicians who deserve it,” said Blair Melton, the head of the band’s label Tallyhoe Records. “Almost anyone who listens to music nowadays does so through TikTok videos or Instagram reels. And you just can’t make a meme out of an 8-minute slow build emo track. A bunch of intros, though? That’s going to move units enough units to buy my mom a new condo.”

At press time, Local Tennis announced they will be releasing a special edition single-sided 7” on Record Store Day that includes all of the outros from the original album.

Pathetic Nerd Knows Names of Everyone in Band They Like

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Pathetic fucking nerd James Flick admitted that he knows the names of every band member in every single band he likes, confirmed sources who have no idea why he retains this information.

“Whenever I get into a new band, I just want to learn as much as I can about them,” said the absolute fucking loser dork Flick. “I usually start by checking out their Wikipedia page or Bandcamp and spend some time listening to their discography. Once I feel like I know the band pretty well, I make sure to learn the individual names, faces, and instruments of the band members. You never know when it’ll come in handy! It also doesn’t hurt to know a little bit about their families and where they work. I might bump into one of them while waiting in line at the supermarket and I’m sure it would be flattering to have a stranger know their name, their partner’s name, and a rough idea of where they live.”

Regina Carp, bass player for Los Angeles-based punk band Shitcan, had a discomforting interaction with the pitiful Flick at a recent house show.

“After we had finished playing, this guy came up to me and said, ‘Nice set Regina.’ I didn’t know him, and our band doesn’t really have much of an internet presence, so I was kinda caught off guard that he knew my name,” said Carp. “It was weird. I politely said thanks but he just kinda kept standing there. Then he said, ‘You had a birthday recently, right? Happy belated birthday!’ At this point, I was like ‘Who the fuck is this sorrowful non-entity and how does he know all this shit about me?’ I don’t even tell my friends about my birthday! It was like I was dealing with an even more menacing Nardwuar.”

Carmen Salazar, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, and an expert in the psyche of sad schmucks, says this sort of behavior is common among some music fans.

“A lot of fans connect to bands through their music. Pathetic fucking goobers, on the other hand, want to feel connected to the band itself. They want to force a familiarity and intimacy that is not there,” said Salazar. “This drive to connect can lead them on a relentless search for information about the bands they love. In its simplest form, this pathology leads to individuals knowing the names of every member of a given band. In its more serious configurations, the wretched dweeb learns more personal information, like Social Security numbers or Ancestry DNA results. The line between casual fan and stalker is slim.”

At press time, Flick was putting together flashcards in preparation to see his new favorite 25-piece ska/baroque pop band, Skarmoire.

Opinion: Look, I’m Sorry but the Best Time for Me to Unsubscribe From Emails Is When I’m Barreling Down I-95 in My Ford F-150, Okay?!

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

I’m a very, very, VERY busy man. It’s SO HARD running a successful small business out of the back of my gigantic 2015 Ford F-150 SuperCrew Cab XLT Pickup truck. When I first started, they said these Herbalife supplements would sell themselves. Turns out that’s not exactly true.

The demands placed on me as an entrepreneur are EXTREME, OK? I’m taking Zoom calls. I’m writing important things in my notebook. I’m practicing a growth mindset. There are just not enough hours in the day. When am I supposed to unsubscribe from all the email newsletters that I pathologically sign up for on a daily basis?

That’s why I’ve learned to multitask. Have you heard of it? It’s when you ENHANCE YOUR TIME by doing more than one thing at once. I heard an interview with Swedish time optimization expert Sven Berg on the Huberman Lab podcast and it has CHANGED MY LIFE, OKAY? I’m banging out bicep curls while meal-prepping. I’m doing yoga nidra while listening to the audiobook version of Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers. And yes, I’m unsubscribing from emails while barreling down the I-95 corridor in my HUGE pickup truck.

Look, I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying, “Clive, that’s pretty dangerous behavior. You should be keeping your eyes on the road and not using your phone while driving.” THAT’S WHAT MY WIFE REBECCA SAYS TOO.

But that is a SELF-LIMITING MINDSET, OK? How do you expect to MAXIMIZE YOUR LIFE if you’re giving all of your attention to only a single thing at a time? How do you expect to MEET THE GOALS you’ve set for yourself? How do you expect to unload the BOXES AND BOXES of Herbalife Formula 1 Healthy Meal Banana Caramel Nutritional Shake Mix taking up space in your Aberdeen, Maryland split level?

“OK Clive,” you say. “Why not just stop signing up for email newsletters then?” One, it’s NOT THAT EASY. And two, you MUST HAVE BEEN talking to my wife Rebecca. WHO GAVE YOU HER NUMBER?

I can’t, OK? There are just too many of them. Everyday I AM AT WAR with my inbox in an effort to combat my COMPULSIVE NEWSLETTER HABIT. I have LOST CONTROL and until I REGAIN CONTROL I will continue to unsubscribe from emails while driving. I’m sorry.

Study Finds Most Americans Using Vacation Time To Wait On Hold and Dispute Medical Bills

Posted on by Matt McInerney

PHILADELPHIA – Researchers at Temple University found that most Americans are using their precious few vacation days to sit on hold and argue with medical billing offices, according to a new study.

“I was actually conducting a different phone survey during my holiday break, but almost every time someone answered, they said they were on the other line with an insurance company,” said Davina Lindsey, a researcher at Temple. “It seemed like the only people who picked up were just relieved to talk to a real person after hours of soul-crushing hold music. And everyone had the same reason: this vacation was their only time to decipher the cryptic logic behind a denied claim. So, I shifted my focus here because that kind of nightmare means grant money, baby!”

Grady Lester, a local business owner enjoying his only real time off this year, experienced exactly this phenomenon.

“The Christmas-to-New Year’s window is the only peace I get. Finally, a time when no employees or clients are calling. So, of course, I’m spending it quarreling over my once-in-a-lifetime blood work being labeled ‘medically unnecessary,’” said Lester. “I only agreed to the doctor’s test because the urgent care nurse scared me with talk of imminent death. It turns out I’m not dying, just bleeding financially. I’ve learned my lesson, though. The next time I’m feeling gravely ill, I’ll do what my childhood dog did and sneak into the woods to die for free.”

Bria Rose, a representative for a health insurance company, expressed clarity about what is happening here.

“I just took this job to pay my own medical bills. I know my role–I’m a human roadblock designed to waste enough of your time that you’ll give up and pay. I can wait out anyone long enough that they’ll ask themselves, ‘why am I doing this?’ as they notice their child looking a little older than they remember,” said Rose as she felt another small piece of her soul escape her body. “I’m not sure I’d call it a healthcare ‘system’ exactly. As far as I can tell, claim denials are mostly decided at random. And they’re really just hoping that you don’t have enough PTO to afford the dispute before your deductible resets next year.”

At press time, an additional study revealed most remaining vacation time is used checking work emails to avoid being overwhelmed the moment you’re back in the office.

15 New Year’s Resolutions That Will Piss Off Your Dad

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

The new year is almost here and it’s time to pick a resolution that has value, which means you need a resolution that will piss off your dad. Yep, we’re talking about the kind of goals that will send him into a blind rage. They’re gonna make him question everything and lament the “good ol’ days,” when he could drive without a seatbelt or show up at any establishment and get a job the same day. These kids with their iPads and their dabbing make him sick. But it’s fun to see him get so mad, which is exactly why we made this list of resolutions that are guaranteed to tick him off.

Wear sunscreen

Actively avoiding skin cancer? Not very manly. This one annoys the hell out of men over 50. He’ll hate having to wait around for you to apply it before leaving the house. When he sees you reapplying at the pool, he’ll point and laugh. He will get sunburnt just to spite you. When you ask if he wants aloe vera he will tell you no way, he’s not a pussy.

Talk about your feelings

Telling your Dad about your depression is guaranteed to make him uncomfortable. What are you, sad or some shit? Quit bumming everyone out, because he will give you something to cry about. Just drink a beer and fix the fence or something. He’ll attempt to change the subject to that oil change you need and/or leave to get some more Coor’s Light.

Get a pedicure

Treating yourself to something nice and indulging in some self-care will definitely send any Dad into a spiral. He’ll definitely call you a virgin nerd before jumping on his lawnmower to calm himself down. He will question everything when he sees the little sunflower decal they put on your big toe.

Go vegan

Can’t have a burger and fries with your Dad at Applebee’s? Might as well have killed his dog with a hammer while talking about how much you hate the Cowboys. He will attribute this life change to all those video games you play and those nutjobs at NPR. You better start eating like a real man, otherwise you’ll never get that promotion, and you sure as hell won’t be strong enough to defend a lady.

Tell your Dad you love him

Nothing will catches a father off guard as much as telling him you love him. He might freeze up, he might walk away—either way he is going to short circuit. Where’s your mom anyway? She probably has something to show you…

Use pomade to style your hair

Your Dad will think this is so dumb. Looking presentable and clean is overrated for him. Only losers spend that much time getting ready. And anyway, why would you waste an opportunity to wear your Longhorns hat? You got someone to impress, Mr. Ding Dong?

Buy an electric car

Want to really miff him? Do something good for the environment and buy an electric car! Dad will say, oh, come on! These things are a total rip off! Get rid of that sissy hunk of political garbage. You need a Dodge Ram with those little balls hanging from the bottom and a sticker of Calvin pissing on the words “your mom.” Now that’s funny.

Ask for help at Home Depot

Your Dad will be beside himself when he learns you actually asked someone for help at Home Depot. He will be so embarrassed that you just gave up like that instead of fumbling around for several hours looking for toggle bolts. Way to give up without a fight, he will say.

Bedazzle your steering wheel

He taught you how to drive—now he can watch you drive in style. He will definitely try to jump out the passenger door when he clocks your rhinestone-encrusted steering wheel, so make sure you put the child lock on. He’ll keep his eyes closed and clench his fists the entire ride.

Learn a TikTok dance

This will be the only time you will see a grown man cry tears of red hot rage, other than when his favorite sports team loses the Superbowl or whatever. When there’s a national emergency, and you need to prepare for the worst, he asks, what the hell will a stupid internet jig do for you? He thinks you’re going to “floss” straight into a watery grave.

Bleach your butthole

Why the hell do I need to know what you do to your privates?! Dad will ask. Just keep it clean and wear a glove, he will mutter before walking back to the garage. Bring photos of the before and after so he can appreciate the transformation. Don’t forget to give him a referral code and tell him it’s for a rainy day.

Build a shed and put all of your vintage porcelain dolls inside

When you decide to build a shed, your Dad will be stoked. He finally taught his boy something worthwhile. But he will consider drinking bleach once he realizes you’re only building it to house all of your vintage porcelain dolls so they can have tea parties in peace. While you explain how each of them have their own, special personalities, Dad will punch the air and sob all over his cargo shorts.

Buy a mini horse

Dad will laugh at first, but then become very concerned about why you bought a mini horse and not a regular horse. Jeez, man. Why didn’t you get one that can actually do something? Where are you even gonna put him? He’s gonna shit all over the house! Dad will continue yelling into the night and during “Castaway,” the movie you put on for the mini horse.

Design a flower arrangement for Dad’s poker night

Dad’s buddies will rip him a new asshole for this one. They’ll ask why his son is making these obnoxiously large flower arrangements in the shape of famous historical figures for boys’ night. They’ll slowly stop coming over for poker night because they feel weird about it. What a shame that dad won’t have his three favorite baldies to talk to about traffic with.

Create a signature fragrance for men called, “Bussy”

The best part about this one is watching Dad’s face turn beet red when you explain what a bussy is. He’ll throw his hands up and yell, come on man! Get that shit outta here. He may throw a chair or smash a lamp. He’s such a silly guy. If only he knew how to accept that he likes men and admit that mom is his beard.