RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Pathetic fucking nerd James Flick admitted that he knows the names of every band member in every single band he likes, confirmed sources who have no idea why he retains this information.
“Whenever I get into a new band, I just want to learn as much as I can about them,” said the absolute fucking loser dork Flick. “I usually start by checking out their Wikipedia page or Bandcamp and spend some time listening to their discography. Once I feel like I know the band pretty well, I make sure to learn the individual names, faces, and instruments of the band members. You never know when it’ll come in handy! It also doesn’t hurt to know a little bit about their families and where they work. I might bump into one of them while waiting in line at the supermarket and I’m sure it would be flattering to have a stranger know their name, their partner’s name, and a rough idea of where they live.”
Regina Carp, bass player for Los Angeles-based punk band Shitcan, had a discomforting interaction with the pitiful Flick at a recent house show.
“After we had finished playing, this guy came up to me and said, ‘Nice set Regina.’ I didn’t know him, and our band doesn’t really have much of an internet presence, so I was kinda caught off guard that he knew my name,” said Carp. “It was weird. I politely said thanks but he just kinda kept standing there. Then he said, ‘You had a birthday recently, right? Happy belated birthday!’ At this point, I was like ‘Who the fuck is this sorrowful non-entity and how does he know all this shit about me?’ I don’t even tell my friends about my birthday! It was like I was dealing with an even more menacing Nardwuar.”
Carmen Salazar, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, and an expert in the psyche of sad schmucks, says this sort of behavior is common among some music fans.
“A lot of fans connect to bands through their music. Pathetic fucking goobers, on the other hand, want to feel connected to the band itself. They want to force a familiarity and intimacy that is not there,” said Salazar. “This drive to connect can lead them on a relentless search for information about the bands they love. In its simplest form, this pathology leads to individuals knowing the names of every member of a given band. In its more serious configurations, the wretched dweeb learns more personal information, like Social Security numbers or Ancestry DNA results. The line between casual fan and stalker is slim.”
At press time, Flick was putting together flashcards in preparation to see his new favorite 25-piece ska/baroque pop band, Skarmoire.