How To Get Rich By Working Hard, Saving Up, And Spending One Night In A Haunted Mansion As Per Your Great Uncle’s Will

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

The road to success is not traveled in the backseat, it’s traveled with you in the driver’s seat, or perhaps walked by foot, or maybe in a car where you use your feet like Fred Flintstone. Either way, it means that the one who is doing it has to be you.

Before my financial woes were behind me I spent years living rough. I was working various jobs that caused calluses on my hands, spending nights studying for college exams, and refusing to spend money on frivolous things like ordering out and seeing movies. My Great Uncle, the Zinc mogul whom I seldomly saw, took a shine to me, so when he died he left me with a huge responsibility: I will inherit his millions of dollars on account that I spent one night in a haunted mansion.

It’s not an easy task, but anyone can if you put in the work ethic. I had trouble spending that night, let me tell you. The walls would drip blood down them which is incredibly unsanitary. You would be afraid to touch any of the books on the shelf because they might reveal a revolving bookcase. The Knight’s armor in the hallways made loud clanging sounds when it chased you. At one point, the local bully snuck into the mansion and tried to scare me by wearing a giant sheet. That is of course, what I thought at first until I looked behind me and the bully was there wearing a similar ghost sheet. I then deduced that if “the ghost” was over there, and that the bully was right behind me, then… uh oh.

I felt rude ignoring the constant moaning for me to “get out,” but I knew that my Great Uncle, they called him the “Zinc Zenith,” was counting on me so I resisted any urge to run out the side of the building leaving a me-shaped hole behind. That is the key to success and you can learn all about how to do it yourself if you subscribe to my program. It is no easy follow, but for $59.99 a month, my seminars can teach you to be the man I am today.

Along with the millions of dollars I successfully inherited from my Great Uncle, whose zinc empire still spans half the world, I was also left with his wise-talking racehorse. That story of course is behind the paywall.

Aging Nu-Metal Fan Blasts “Click Click Boom” by Saliva to Get Pumped Up for Big Prostate Exam

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BIG FLATTS, N.Y. — 51-year-old nu-metal fan Ricky Clud recently expressed that Saliva’s early 2000s classic “Click Click Boom” was the secret to getting hyped up for his prostate exam, several crudely tattooed sources report.

“Before I hit the big 5-0, I was quite the badass. I’d always rock out to Saliva before getting drunk at the bowling alley picking fights, getting drunk at the county fair each year and picking fights, or even going to weddings then getting drunk and picking fights,” Clud explained, adding he’s settled down in his old age. “Now I use that ‘Click Click Boom’ energy to get me all jacked up before my doc sticks his finger up my butt. Shit’s wild, man. But it’s necessary, and it’s the health-conscious thing when you’re my age.”

Josey Scott, current singer of Saliva, talked about the surprising origins of the nu-metal anthem.

“I think most people give us and nu-metal in general a bad rap. It’s not all about manufactured angst and embarrassing fashion trends, it’s sometimes about overcoming adversity, like the adversity one feels before a routine prostate exam,” Scott explained. “That’s what ‘Click Click’ boom is really all about. So next time you hear it in a Fast and Furious movie or whatever, let it be a reminder that it’s a standard medical procedure, and your manhood isn’t being threatened, and you’re not gay or fuckin’ whatever the jabroni losers say.”

Leading urologist Dr. Cindy Zhao discussed past patients who use surface-level metal bands to prepare them for anything medical.

“Very few people understand how beneficial those tough guy bands have been for professionals such as myself,” Dr. Zhao explained. “It used to be that men were so self-conscious about their masculinity, they would rather die than get a routine test. Since ‘90s Pantera, and with the advent of nu-metal, men have been using aggressive music to get prepared for things like colonoscopies and such. As a matter of fact, we at the hospital sit each colonoscopy patient in a room with Pantera’s ‘Walk’ playing. You can almost see the nervousness disappear and the insane adrenaline take hold every time.”

At press time, Saliva issued a statement saying they’ve accepted the role as “the official nu-metal band of proctology” according to the American Medical Association.

Punk Pledges $20,000 per Month to The Hard Times Patreon After Randomly Guessing Valid Credit Card Number

Posted on by Courtney Hill

BOSTON — Local punk Patricia “Peg Leg” Sullivan made a massive pledge of $20,000 per month to the recently launched Hard Times Patreon after randomly guessing a valid credit card number, confirmed Hard Times administrators hoping fraud alerts aren’t triggered.

“I woke up pretty hungover and the first thing I saw on my phone was that The Hard Times was launching a Patreon and possibly going out of business if they didn’t get any help. I’m pretty broke because my parents cut me off, but I know that credit cards usually have the same first four digits for each card, so after that, it’s just a guessing game,” said Sullivan. “It only took me about 45 minutes to finally get a number combination that worked. I really wanted to support them in the biggest way possible so I pledged $20,000 recurring, and I hope that helps. The internet wouldn’t be as fun without them.”

Friends of Sullivan were moved by her support and quickly found ways to also help.

“I’m bad with numbers, so I pledged money the old-fashioned way and stole my Dad’s credit card and signed up for the $20 a month tier,” said Rory Gutman. “My roommate Luke immediately went down to Mass General to sell his plasma and he plans on giving that cash to The Hard Times as well. Not all the money though, he’s got to buy cigarettes and beer for the house first, then whatever money is left over The Hard Times can have.”

A representative for Mastercard hopes more people will pledge money to The Hard Times using traditional payment methods.

“It’s nice to see so many people support an independent comedy project in 2024, but please do it using money in your own bank account. I don’t want to have to sit on the phone with some Boomer explaining that they need to cancel their card,” said customer service rep Larry Anders. “It takes up my entire day, and without fail it turns into a rant about Biden’s immigration policy. So yes, support The Hard Times, but do it legally, that way they can actually rely on the money each month.”

R.I.P The Hard Times 2014-2024… Unless?

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Hello!

When we started Hard Times and Hard Drive almost 10 years ago things were a bit easier for us. Facebook and others allowed our comedy to spread organically. Now, whenever we mention a political name or term, we see the reach of that post plummet. If we reference s*x or anything risque, we sometimes see our reach punished for a month or more. When we use swear words in an article, advertisers put us on a blacklist. When we put a link on a merch post, algorithms decide it’s better readers don’t see that post and just stay on social media.

We don’t want to complain. We just want to keep making jokes. But it’s becoming harder and harder to keep the lights on in this new environment. Our sites can no longer survive without some help.

So we’re launching a Patreon. https://www.patreon.com/thehardtimes

We’re completely owned and operated by our original founding team, which started as a punk zine almost a decade ago before also expanding to video games and nerd culture. During the pandemic, we actually sold Hard Times (not Hard Drive) in a bid to safeguard editor salaries, but after some disagreements with management, we decided it was best for the site if we bought it back and went completely independent and DIY again, just like how we started. So that’s where we are now.

We love the sites too much to see them go the route of so many other publications. We know you’ve seen many publications die and fade away. You’ve seen social media algorithms restrict content and what you see. So you get it.

We don’t want to be dramatic, but your support via Patreon is the only way to keep Hard Times and Hard Drive alive. Behind the scenes we’ve tried every other option we could think of (you’ve probably seen some). We’ve always resisted asking our audience for financial support and used as much personal money as we could to keep things afloat, but transitioning into a partially community-funded thing is our last real option.

If you’d like to see The Hard Times and Hard Drive continue in 2024 and beyond, please consider becoming a patron (click here). We’re hopeful there are enough of you out there so we can keep the lights on, focus on creating content people enjoy, and spend more time creating exclusive NSFA (not safe for algorithms) content for patrons.

We’d like to have fun with this and consider it a new era of our comedy project. We’ll be doing things like creating exclusive articles every day for patrons, early access to ad-free versions of our articles, letting patrons vote on coverage/topics for future content, making playlists and articles about supporter’s bands or indie video games, giving merch discounts, and creating a Discord where readers can talk with our founders, writers, and editors. We want our community to be able to see behind the scenes, pitch ideas, pose for images that go with headlines, and a lot more.

We’re excited to experiment with some new community projects, like creating a Hard Times and Hard Drive dating service where our editors will help satirically exaggerate facts about patrons, hype you up, and post what looks like screencaps from this made-up satirical Hard Times/Hard Drive dating profile to our social media and tag you. We also want to create a “Scene Legends” version of this for people who don’t want the dating angle and just want to have us write jokes about them or their band/indie game/project.

We’d love it if The Hard Times and Hard Drive could become more of a community project instead of beholden to social media algorithms and advertisers. And we don’t want to see it owned by anyone who loves it less than us. But we can’t do it without you.

If you’re out there and enjoy our stuff, it’d mean the world to us to see your support via our Patreon. If you can’t support us financially, we understand. Reposting or telling a friend who enjoys our stuff would be terrific.

If we are unable to get enough patrons to keep the lights on, we’ll refund everyone who subscribed and shut the Patreon down.

Thanks for reading and the years of laughs, comments, and energy either way.

-The Hard Times and Hard Drive

P.S. We thought about making this funny but decided creating funny content online is what got us into this mess in the first place.

Couple Simultaneously Offended, Relieved They’re Not Invited to Wedding

Posted on by Tim Graham

CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Hannah and Jack Lungo experienced both anger and relief upon realizing they hadn’t been invited to their friends’ wedding, according to sources who were invited and had to hear all about it.

“When we saw all these people on social media talking about Lucy and Dan’s upcoming wedding, we were outraged,” said Hannah. “We practically introduced those two, and now they can’t even invite us? I can’t think of why they would leave us out, unless it’s to do with that time Jack got drunk at game night and threw up on their cat. In any case, we were pissed off—that is, until we saw that the wedding was in Colorado. We wound up being pretty relieved that we didn’t have to spend all that time and money on flights, a gift and a hotel. Fuck ‘em, they’re not worth all that. No one is.”

Conversely, mutual friend Constance Washington and her partner were initially excited to be invited to the wedding.

“We really like Lucy and Dan,” said Washington as she struggled to close an overstuffed suitcase. “So we were psyched that we made the cut. But then we found out it was a ski-themed destination wedding, and that kind of put a damper on things. That means taking time off of work, hiring a dog sitter and refilling my Xanax script so I can fly without having a panic attack. And Jesus, the packing! You ever try cramming a gown and snow pants into a carry-on? Besides, we don’t even ski!”

Psychologist Wendy Spangler advises people to take pleasure when plans are canceled or when they’re not invited to an event.

“I remind patients to relish in what the Germans call ‘Stornierungsfreude,’ or the joy of canceled plans,” said Spangler. “I would tell this couple not to be disappointed, and rather to enjoy their newfound free time. Instead of the headache of travel, they are free to rest comfortably in their own home. Instead of enduring arduous, banal small-talk at the table full of strangers they’d inevitably be placed at, the two of them can eat burritos and binge watch the new season of ‘Fargo.’ They are free to do anything they like now—or better yet, nothing at all!”

At press time, the Lungos were reportedly cozily nestled on their couch, giddily scrolling Instagram pictures of the wedding, which was ruined by heavy rain.

New Year, No Me: How I Plan To Commit Insurance Fraud and Completely Disappear in 2024

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

Another year, another plan to disappear completely and never be found. It’s not an instinct universally shared, but how else are you going to cash in that sweet life insurance bundle? Here is a beginner’s guide to removing yourself from society and living beyond your own staged death aka your “pseudocide.” That is until the federal government accesses your browsing history and finds this article. Let’s get started on your big mysterious goodbye!

Find a partner in crime
When I say “partner in crime,” I don’t mean a cute euphemism for a spouse in an anniversary photo. I mean that you’ll need to find someone that you trust as a life insurance beneficiary, but who also doesn’t have a single tie to anyone else in your social circle. Ideally, this is the sketchiest, least ethical person you know, without the barest thread of a tangential connection leading back to you. Maybe your old shady roommate knows a guy? Or, even better, make a friend at a bar and make them pinky-swear to the scheme. No crime has ever gone wrong between strangers, right?

Goodbye to everything, but goodbye to no one
Rid yourself of all worldly possessions without giving a single hint to anyone that you are planning your disappearance. Make plans for the future with friends while donating everything to thrift stores a few towns over. Change your appearance, slowly and subtly. Also, most importantly, go offline. Smash your SIM card and sink your burnt laptop to a lake floor. Try to avoid self-aggrandizing “goodbye social media” posts that let everyone know of your intentions for a “mental health break.” Most people who disappear have the most inconsequential, ugly selfie as their last post. The worse the aesthetic, the better.

Stage the scene
Aggressively pursue a new dangerous hobby with reckless abandon. Skydiving works but there are too many drones and cameras around these days. A botched mugging involves other people. Might I suggest whitewater canoeing? Your battered paddles found on a shoreline will communicate volumes. Easier to obscure a hidden cache of clothes, equipment, and money under a bridge, too. Trek through the wilderness to an agreed-upon Appalachian hideout. Avoid Googling yourself in case IP addresses are being traced through a staged search site. Let your hermit instincts guide you, despite only having half-read Walden.

Now you should be holed up in a ramshackle country cabin, awaiting your half of the life insurance from that seedy dockworker you met at a harbor dive bar. Any day now, your half of the loot is coming. Any… day now. Acclimate yourself to cold raw deer meat and celebrate living off the land in winter, while lacking antibiotics. No one knows you’re here. You’re basked in silence. Hear that? It’s the true sound of freedom. And tinnitus from a severe sinus infection.

Band On Verge of Breaking Up Hopes to Solve Issues by Buying a Synth

Posted on by Peter Woods

NORFOLK, Va. — Members of local power pop band The Voltage Enthusiasts reportedly purchased a synthesizer in what some are claiming is a “last ditch effort” to keep the band together, according to sources monitoring inter-band member disputes stretching back 16 months or more.

“I feel like we’ve tried everything at this point,” said drummer Denver Kennedy. “We’ve gone on tour, started talking more in between songs at gigs, even mixing up our song structures in the practice space. I mean, hell, we have even tried collaborating with other people and covering other people’s songs. We just don’t seem to have that spark anymore. But we want to stick it out for our fans. So I guess we’ll see if a synth can bring us closer together.”

For fans of The Voltage Enthusiasts, the news came as a shock.

“I had no idea they were having trouble in paradise, none of us did. I hope they can work it out because they are one of the only local bands worth leaving the house for,” said longtime supporter Ebony Pugh. “But I guess you never know what’s happening behind the scenes. They just all seem so perfect together. Whenever I’m at one of their gigs, they look so happy and even do stuff like sing into each other’s microphones in front of the audience. Guess it must have been pretty rocky backstage.”

However, some question whether the new purchase will keep the band together.

“As soon as you get to this point, you’re far beyond saving yourselves. I’ve seen bands at a synth, tambourine, even a second drummer, it’s just not going to work,” said local music critic Lillia Sullivan. “There’s just too much history to work through and this band has history. Like, as soon as I heard that their bassist had started playing wedding gigs on the side, I knew that the other members would eventually find out and they did. And I know they’ve been going to therapy, but I just don’t understand how a synth can get you past that sort of betrayal.”

According to reports from the group’s Instagram page, many have already seen improvements in the members’ demeanor that have greatly surpassed the results of their last attempt at saving the band which involved “just having lots of sex with each other.”

Distressed Canary Really Killing Vibe in Poorly Ventilated Basement Venue

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

CHARLESTON, W.Va. — An increasingly agitated yellow canary found inside a previously abandoned basement venue is really bumming out attendees at a recent crust punk show, sources drifting in and out of consciousness confirmed.

“Our band prides itself on playing anywhere and anytime. But this last venue was like Guantanamo shit. It was so dank and dark, aside from a few scattered whale oil lamps. The only way you even knew a crowd was there was the occasional sound of spasmodic coughing fits,” said lead singer of headlining band Bum Cuckets, Talia Flowers. “But what really fucked us up was the persistent sound of a chirping canary. We tried to incorporate it into the music, but sentinel birds can’t keep time for shit.”

Venue owner Oliver Cruz explained how he came upon his property’s unique “basement” venue.

“We didn’t even know the place had a basement until we found the old, underground rail tracks in the backyard. All we had to do was bust through a few skull and crossbones signs, then buy a keg, and boom, we’re the premiere punk venue in the county,” said Cruz. “As for the canary, that thing was just always here. I tried moving it once, but I received the memories of a 19th-century Welsh immigrant the moment I touched the wrought iron cage. But besides the occasional visions of 144 men and boys suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning, and the hardcore kid that severed his arm because he stuck it too far outside the cart, it’s been smooth sailing.”

Still, not all show attendees were happy with the performance, including slightly translucent apparition Enoch Baughan.

“The tunnel buttresses are prism-shaped, when they should be cylindrical. I pleaded with management, but they declared me a poser, whatever on earth that means. I wished to box his ears, but bit my tongue, as I need my wages if I wish to have my dear Agnes join me in the new country,” explained the incorporeal entity. “Still, the other miners here are most strange. Young moll buzzers in cow hide and covered in tattoos like common seafarers, despite their landlocked predicament. But, I mustn’t get too high for my nut. For I shall see you again, Agnes! Wait, what’s this? No, cave-in, ho!”

At press time, Cruz had responded to attendee complaints of poor ventilation and debilitating headaches by setting up a box fan behind the drum kit.

Real-Life Fonzie? This Guy Only Hangs Out With High School Kids

Posted on by Tim Graham

Meet Andy “The Ronz” Ronzoni: Cheboygan, Minnesota’s coolest resident. He’s got slicked-back hair, rides a killer motorcycle and has a devil-may-care attitude. Sounds a little like a certain beloved TV greaser, doesn’t it? Well, the similarities don’t stop there. See, The Ronz, much like his leather-clad Happy Days counterpart, chills exclusively with high school kids!

Some people might be suspicious of the motives of an emotionally-stunted, unemployed 32 year old social outcast whose only friends are teenagers, but Ronzoni insists there’s nothing to worry about. The neighborhood kids love him. They rely upon his wisdom, guidance, and the beer and smokes he buys for them. If cool-as-ice Ronzie contends that it’s safer for the youth to party with him than with some creep, who are we to argue?

“The Ronz doesn’t work, and no one really knows what he does all day while we’re at school,” said pal and high school junior Flip McNair. “One time I came home and he was on the couch, watching NCIS reruns with my mom—or ‘Mrs. M’ as he calls her. It was kind of weird, but then he and I snuck some cigs out behind the garage, so that was cool.”

And just how does The Ronz get by without a job? Ronzoni receives disability checks due to a head injury from when tried to jump the Cheboygan Dam on his motorcycle. The Ronz doesn’t squander all that free time of his, though—he’s constantly honing his ineffable coolness. From wrenching on his bike, to combing his lustrous hair, to going through the yearbook with his pals and rating the chicks, The Ronz is always up to something rad.

Though he comes off as confident and unflappable, The Ronz has feelings, too. “Every year around late summer, I start to get bummed out,” he confessed in a rare moment of vulnerability. “That’s when all my friends are getting ready to leave for college. It’s tough finding a whole new crew each year. Sometimes I’ll get lucky and a few of my current friends’ younger brothers will form the core of my next friend group.”

However, until the current squad departs, Ronzie and the gang will surely enjoy some more twilight games of stickball, gas-huffing under the bleachers and big spaghetti dinners around Mr. and Mrs. M’s table.

Aging Punk’s Doomsday Prep Mostly Involves Backing Up MP3s to External Hard Drive

Posted on by Matt McInerney

AUSTIN, Texas — Aging punk Bryce Horn is preparing for doomsday by backing up his collection of “rare” MP3s to an external hard drive amid fears of societal collapse, neighboring sources confirmed.

“This all started when I realized I couldn’t listen to Filmmaker or Tears of Avarel on Spotify. I had to figure out how to import local files. It wouldn’t work on my phone. It was a nightmare and a real wake-up call for me,” said Horn, as a progress bar reflected on his face. “It got me thinking: what if civilization crumbles and I can’t get to my Dropbox account? I started making backups right then and there. I know I can survive without food for a bit. I’ve skipped lunch at work a few times, but imagine going a whole day without listening to Wafflehouse*. I just don’t think I’d make it.”

Jayla Park, a longtime friend of Horn’s, is concerned about this behavior.

“We’re all a little worried about the world ending these days, but I’m more worried that Bryce’s response has been trying to find a Jazz drive on eBay. I’m not saying music isn’t important, but maybe he can add a few MREs to his cart too,” said Park. “I’m no prepper, but I believe in basic survival, like the generator I just bought. I thought it’d be for disasters, but living in Texas, I actually use it all the time. Honestly, Bryce does most of the file transferring here because his power goes out so much.”

Heath Farmer, who lives down the street from Horn, has been ready for the end for a long time.

“Sure, I’ve seen what he’s up to. I keep tabs on everyone around here. That’s actually my plan: I just keep a tally of my neighbors’ food supplies while I build my arsenal,” said Farmer, stroking a shotgun. “I kind of get it, wanting to save your favorite songs and stuff. I’ve got an old copy of ‘Twister’ on VHS in the bunker in case I ever get bored. I don’t think Bryce is going to make it long on just tunes, but I’ll give him this: he’s certainly the last neighbor I’ll be robbing blind.”

At press time, Horn was seen copying social media passwords from his iMac’s password manager into a notebook in case he lost power again.