45 Minute Presentation About the Dangers of Wokeness to Open For Upcoming Disturbed Tour

Posted on March 18, 2023 by Zach Hudson

CHICAGO — Long-running nu-metal band Disturbed surprised fans by announcing that the opener for their upcoming North America tour will be a 45 minute presentation about the “dangers of wokeness,” disheartened but unsurprised sources report.

“Our agent really wanted us to have a band open, but this is way more important,” said frontman David Draiman. “A lot of people threw their name in the hat to be our speaker, but none of their beliefs align 100% with mine, so I’ll be giving the presentation myself every night. I’m a freethinker who isn’t influenced by talking heads on the right or left. That being said, while I think both sides are bad, the woke left is most critical of things that I like, and I cannot keep quiet about the imminent danger they pose. I think the fans will get a lot out of it.”

Disturbed’s fanbase expressed mixed feelings about the announcement, and some have pointed out that this isn’t the first time Draiman has attempted to launch a speaking career during a live performance.

“He did basically the same thing when I saw them in 2018,” said fan Mark Carver while scrolling through his camera roll for video evidence. “Diesel Shot was supposed to open, but they were sick or something, so when I saw David come out on stage I was hoping Disturbed was going to play an extra long set. Then he just started talking about how much he loves the free market and hates Roger Waters, but then at one point he also said that he’s more liberal than conservative? It really killed my buzz. I always try to come early and support the opener, but I’ll be rolling up to this tour late.”

Former Trapt frontman Chris Taylor Brown was disappointed in the lineup change for different reasons.

“I’ve known the Disturbed guys for years, so when I heard they were going on tour I asked them if there was anything I could do, ‘cuz I’ve been out of work for a long time,” said Brown. “They said no, which, ok, fine, but then I found out that David is giving this little speech every night and it’s like, come on, I would have been perfect for that. Music didn’t work out for me, and he knows that I’ve been trying to launch my speaking career since Cameo ran dry. You find out who your true friends are, I guess.”

At press time, Draiman was aggressively emailing all thirty-nine news outlets he spoke to an unwanted advance copy of the presentation.

Weird: Two Baconators and Seven Beers Not Sitting Right

Posted on March 18, 2023 by Patrick Coyne

RICHMOND, Va. — House party attendee Davey Singleton can’t quite put his finger on why the two Wendy’s Baconators and seven beers he consumed in under fifteen minutes weren’t sitting right, recently cropdusted sources confirmed.

“Ueeegggghh FUCCKKKKK. For some weird reason my stomach feels like it’s about to explode. Normally this much carbonated liquid and low-grade meat don’t fuck me up this bad,” said Singleton. “The sixth beer did taste a little skunked, and the seventh was a Bud Ice someone stashed in the back of the crisper drawer in the ‘90s. Also, the Wendy’s drive-thru might have screwed with my food because I paid in all pennies. Either way, I really hope no one’s in the bathroom right now because I’m about to fire a rocket from the crypt.”

Acquaintance Rebekah Pope shared additional details of Singleton’s gastric episode.

“There’s a full bath on the second floor and then a much less private Pittsburgh potty in the basement where the band was playing. Maybe Davey had an emergency, or was worried that bounding up the stairs would release the Kraken, because he decided to drop a nuclear deuce basically in the middle of the venue. Gotta be really disheartening for a band to hear a man fighting for his life between songs,” said Pope. “No surprise this happened though. The guy eats like shit. I don’t think he’s had a vegetable since the Obama administration. I tried sneaking some bok choy into his cheesy gordita once but he spit it out like a dog finding a pill in peanut butter.”

Unorthodox and unlicensed nutritionist Marina Pruitt claimed there may be some benefits to Singleton’s “diet.”

“Most so-called doctors will tell you to avoid booze and any sandwich with a suffix such as ‘ator,’ ‘mania,’ or ‘supreme.’ But believe it or not, you can get all the nutritional value you need from beer alone,” explained Pruitt. “Think about it, you’ve got grains for carbs, water to keep you hydrated, and yeast, which contains essential amino acids. Then if you switch up your High Lifes for a fruity beer like Blue Moon, you get all kinds of vitamin C and shit. Sure, those beers are a little more expensive, but remember, your body is a temple.”

At press time, Singleton is currently recuperating after suffering from severe dehydration and explosive diarrhea, which he believes was caused by “preservatives and chemtrails or whatever.”

How to Spot an Off-Duty Cop at a Metallica Concert by Closing Your Eyes and Just Randomly Pointing

Posted on March 18, 2023 by Chris Bowen

Metallica is one of those super heavy bands that just hits differently when you’re having a rough day and everything is just pissing you off, man. Maybe your court-appointed counselor or therapist isn’t around to help you with your pent-up rage and anger issues, so you feel like you just gotta get out and rage among some like-minded hotheads. And I say, what better way to blow off some steam among your red-faced, veiny-foreheaded brothers than catching Metallica live and in person? And who perfectly represents those fellow Ill-tempered Metallica fans I speak of? None other than the boys in blue.

More like “Metallicop,” am I right?

When it comes to rage-fueled cop types at concerts, I think we all know the deal. White Male, maybe has a buzz cut, usually stumbling around while triple-fisting draft beers. So basically, aside from a few nostalgic metalheads from the 1980s, that’s about 90% of the crowd at any Metallica concert or county fair beer tent.

Undoubtedly, you’ll hear them scream, “SAD BUT TRUUEE!” Or, “PLAY SANDMAN!” drunkenly into your ear. Sometimes when they’re feeling really jacked up, or maybe feeling particularly insecure, they demand something truly heavy. “GIVE ME FUEEEL,” they’ll scream, hoping James and the boys hear their cries for attention.

Sounds like hell on earth, doesn’t it? Maybe you want to get away from the insanity just to gather your thoughts. You’re just there trying to enjoy your favorite band from childhood after all.

But you quickly realize, there is no escape.

You try to make a run for the concession stand for a pop, only to find a gaggle of jar-headed white dudes wearing thin blue line shirts and flip-flops bickering about the Dallas Cowboys even though you’re in Vermont.

As the fear sets in, you begin to panic. You finally decide, “enough is enough.” Then, as you pack up and leave the hall, and head to the parking lot, you hear the sounds of “Master of Puppets” off in the distance as the blitzkrieg of Punisher stickers and diesel smoke envelops your entire being.

Your fandom of a once cutting-edge thrash metal has been overshadowed by the fact that any time you decide to see this band, you’ll become one with the off-duty police officer. Your inability to dive deeper into metal music beyond bands your grandmother is also familiar with will be ever-present. You’ll think, “If I just sign up, I’ll definitely be one of the good ones.” And I should know, this pro-cop “I got your six” tattoo wasn’t on my forearm before I saw Metallic for the first time. Good luck.

“This is Not My Beautiful House” and 6 Other Warning Signs of Early Onset Dementia

Posted on March 18, 2023 by Tim Graham

While occasional moments of confusion are common and could be totally innocuous, it is worth exploring whether they could be signs of the early stages of cognitive decline. If you relate to three or more of the following scenarios, it might be time to speak with a neurologist.

You may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful house.”

Does your house seem different, or is it the same as it ever was? Have a look around. Do you recognize the people in the photos? If the answer is “yes”, then it probably is your house. If not, it might be time to apologize to the family that does live there and make a hasty exit.

You may find yourself in another part of the world.

They say travel is good for the soul—however, it can be frightening if you have no idea where you are or how you got there. Being in such a predicament could be an early indicator of dementia. That being said, if your head hurts and your wallet is missing, you’ve probably just been bludgeoned and robbed.

You may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile.

If you suddenly realize you’re barreling down the highway in a car you don’t recognize, slowly pull off the road. Compare the name on the registration to your driver’s license. Are they the same? Good—though that means you may be experiencing dementia-related confusion. If not, it’s likely you stole the car while drunk and should probably ditch it and flee on foot.

You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack.

If you live in certain parts of the southern United States, living in the type of narrow, rectangular residence called a “shotgun house” would be no cause for alarm, as they are quite common. But if you’re unsure if you’ve ever lived in one before, perform a quick check: Do you have a Southern accent? Are you hungry for jambalaya? Do you know what chitlins are?

You may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful wife.”

Prosopagnosia, which is the inability to recognize the faces of familiar people, can be scary to experience. If you’re having trouble determining if the woman beside you is your wife or a total stranger, go ahead and ask her. If she screams that she’s never seen you before in her life, calmly climb out of bed and wait for the police to arrive.

You may ask yourself, “How do I work this?”

As we grow older, it’s perfectly normal to occasionally be confused by technology. It would be understandable to be asking yourself this question while trying to operate the newest iPhone. However, if you’ve been a pilot for years and are suddenly bewildered by the control panel, it may be a sign of a larger problem—not only for you, but for your passengers as well.

Additional warning signs of cognitive problems to be aware of include dressing in ill-fitting clothing, such as a comically oversized suit, or making sporadic, jerky movements that resemble some strange dance. Consider yourself fortunate if something like the above only happens to you once in a lifetime.

Every Devo Album Ranked

Posted on March 17, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

I genuinely don’t think I’m being hyperbolic when I say: if you disagree that Devo is one of the greatest rock bands ever to grace this planet then I hope you get run over by a cement mixer. Here’s a ranking of all their studio albums, but make sure to check out their live ones, early “Hardcore” demo releases, the self-parody EZ Listening Disc where they re-recorded their hits as Muzak…oh, and, what the hey, their cover of Witch Doctor in the Rugrats Movie. You’re due for a rewatch.

9: Total Devo (1988)

Devo’s 7th studio album was their first without drummer Alan “the human metronome” Myers, and folks, he dodged a bullet. The spud boys tried to get butts out to the dance floor with this bland techno-pop, but frankly I’d rather sign mine up to test rat traps on. Musically, this proves their de-evolution theory, though! Maybe that was the point?

Play it Again: “Plain Truth”
Skip it: (Hank Hill mortified voice) “Sexi Luv”

8: Smooth Noodle Maps (1990)

The last album they released before calling it quits for the majority of the 90s. And, it was a well-earned respite, because these guys sound tired. One big redeeming aspect of this one was the Devo “uniform” for this era was straight-up leisure suits, and c’mon, that’s pretty funny.

Play it Again: “Post Post-Modern Man” is darn catchy.
Skip it: “Devo Has Feelings Too”

7: Shout (1984)

Stuff you’ll find on “Shout”: the dinkiest synth trumpet sound you ever heard, Mark Mothersbaugh sounding like Sting sometimes for some reason, and a pretty solid Hendrix cover. Luckily, this sounds as though it’s likely what Paul Reubens heard and enjoyed enough to hire Mothersbaugh to score Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. Imagine if that position had gone to Hans Zimmer??!

Play it Again: “Here To Go”
Skip it: “Puppet Boy”, and this is coming from a dude who really, really likes puppets.

6: Something For Everybody (2010)

Devo’s big comeback record doesn’t disappoint. A solid record that sincerely doesn’t sound at all like music made by dudes approaching their 70s. Hell, for all we know they ARE robots!

Play it Again: “March On” sounds like deranged Disneyland parade music (this is a compliment)
Skip it: “No Place Like Home” is a ballad (this is derogatory)

5: New Traditionalists (1981)

Now we’re talkin’! The follow up to their most popular album found them actively seeking to reject their newfound post “Whip It” fame and firmly digging their heels back into being uncool and proud of it. Also, it’s the one with the plastic pompadours.

Play it Again: “Pity You” (extremely underrated track)
Skip it: “The Super Thing”

4: Duty Now For the Future (1979)

Hell yeah. In a sea of bangers, gotta give a special shout-out to “Smart Patrol/Mr. DNA” for containing one of Bob Mothersbaugh’s career-best guitar solos. Heck, the same song’s even one of Mark’s best synth solos. Dang, should this be ranked higher??

Play it again: “Wiggly World” (bet you thought I was going to say “Smart Patrol”, huh?)
Skip it: “Triumph of the Will”

3: Oh No! It’s Devo (1982)

A potentially controversial rank position, but I’m ready to defend myself. I’m talking physically, too. Even if it boiled down to fisticuffs, I think I’d be able to hold my own… we Devo freaks aren’t an especially buff bunch, but we do fight very dirty. Anyway, this album rules.

Play it Again: Tie between “Patterns” and “Big Mess”, but they’re one after another on the tracklist so, easy enough!
Skip it: “What I Must Do”

2: Freedom of Choice (1980)

Between Whip It, Girl U Want, and the introduction of the now-iconic Energy Dome look, this album may be the “obvious” one… but bread is an obvious food, and it’s still absolutely delicious.

Play it Again (and also at my funeral): “Gates of Steel”
Skip it: Well, “Whip It”, because you’ll hear it soon at some point one way or another. Probably a commercial or something.

1: Q. Are We Not Men? A. We are Devo! (1978)

Any one of these songs could, and should, replace the Star Spangled Banner as our National Anthem.

Play it Again: “Uncontrollable Urge” of course
Skip it: None, but let’s say “Mongoloid” just because it’ll get stuck in your head and you’ll go around singing that unsavory term.

Aging Millennial Just Going to Have Quiet St. Patrick’s Day Getting Shitfaced at Home

Posted on March 17, 2023 by Ben Friedman

NEWTON, Mass. — Local man Jim Conelly announced today that due to aging out of the St. Patrick’s Day bar scene, he would be spending a quiet evening getting utterly shitfaced in his home, confirmed multiple half-in-the-bag sources.

“I’m 38, I’m single, and I have a bad back so the last thing I want to do is stand shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of screaming 23-year-olds well past my bedtime. This year I figured it was time to accept the fact that I’m at a point in my life where there is a quiet dignity in facing an entire bottle of Jameson in the comfort of my apartment while I watch a Dropkick Murphys DVD at a reasonable volume, “said Conelly. “Not only am I saving money by dying beer green myself, but I can pass out face first in a toilet I’m familiar with and not pay for anything I break. I feel like I’ve turned a corner.”

Conelly’s roommate and longtime friend Declan Moore was uneasy about the decision to spend the holiday at home, as their relationship was already strained.

“His benders have been bad since the divorce, so I was relieved when Jim said he wasn’t going out tonight. I thought we’d have a nice corn beef and cabbage dinner, then knock back a Guinness or two while watching ‘Boondock Saints.’ But the second he burst out of his room in the ‘Fuck Me I’m Irish’ shirt I kissed our security deposit goodbye,“ said Moore. “He’s spent the last two hours ripping car bombs on the kitchen counter and screaming at Alexa to play bagpipe music. Twenty years ago this would be epic, but now I’m just hoping he crashes by 8 p.m. before he rips the pantry door off its hinges.”

Millennial engagement of St. Patrick’s Day festivities has declined rapidly, which bar owners say will have a significant impact on the industry.

“Gen Z doesn’t seem to have much of an interest in bar crawling, and millennials either have no tolerance left, are too tired, or haven’t budgeted for $3 rail whiskey shots. It used to be that the revenue we made from St. Patty’s would last us through the year, and now we’re lucky to make it to Cinco de Mayo,” said bar manager Syd Wallace. “The thirty-somethings that do come through only make it three beers in before they cash out and have to take their kids to karate in the morning. At this rate, it would be more viable to strap a keg to a bike and sell beer door to door if they won’t come to us.”

As of press time, neighbors witnessed Collins being thrown out of his apartment after instinctively trying to start a fight with his roommate over the validity of his 1/8th Irish heritage.

Irish Pub Doesn’t Have Dropkick Murphys, Wonders If Flogging Molly Is Okay

Posted on March 17, 2023 by Matt McInerney

BOSTON — Local pub O’Keeffe’s is reportedly asking patrons if they are ok with consuming Flogging Molly after they lost their ability to provide Dropkick Murphys, disappointed sources confirmed.

“We know everyone in this town has grown up on Dropkick Murphys. For years we were able to provide them to our customers along side our wide variety of beers and trademark corned beef and cabbage,” said Billy O’Keeffe, the pub’s longtime owner. “Unfortunately the Dropkicks distributor changed and we lost the rights. I tried to find a band I think our regulars might still like. It’s really almost the same, I promise. Most people can barely tell the difference. Flogging Molly even comes with a good variety of opening bands like The Real McKenzies and The Young Dubliners.”

O’Keeffe’s regular Justin Connelly admits he is a bit disappointed by the pub’s musical selection for the most important holiday on the calendar.

“I showed up on the big day and asked when Dropkick Murphys go on and Billy hit me with this big friggin’ sigh and pointed to some weird ass band setting up, and asked, ‘is Flogging Molly okay?’ He spent the next 25 minutes apologizing, I’m a Dropkick Murphys guy through and through, anything else hitting my ears just feels wrong” said Connelly, mimicking an Irish accent. “They aren’t the worst thing in the world, and I guess they got the job done. If I shut my eyes and just listened, it was kinda similar, but my music taste is pretty refined, so I can still tell the difference. But hey, I’m sure there are folks out there that might even like the Flailing Marys better.”

Dave King, a founding member and singer of Floggy Molly, says they always have this sort of trouble in Boston.

“I’m sick of it. I’m not some Departed character. I’m actually from Dublin, all the Dropkick Murphys guys are from fucking Quincy, which is a town you couldn’t pay me to visit. On top of that, I started the band before the Dropkick Murphys even existed! These drunk pricks have no idea how lucky they are to see us,” exclaimed King. “Is this how the Hydrox cookie feels? Not only does Oreo come to take your lunch money, they then manage to convince the world they came first. If we weren’t in Boston, I’d consider calling the police about identity theft!”

At press time, Connelly was seen at a nearby McDonalds placing an order for his favorite ‘authentic Irish staple’ the Shamrock Shake which will eventually be thrown up in the back of an Uber.

I Don’t Have a St. Patrick’s Day Problem, I Can Stop Celebrating Whenever I Want

Posted on March 17, 2023 by Bobby Korec

It seems my friends and family have gathered here to take part in some sort of intervention due to my so-called “clover-loving” behavior. But like I’ve been saying, I don’t have a St. Patrick’s Day problem. I can stop celebrating whenever I want. Or whenever I pass out from celebrating too hard. Whichever comes first.

I know it’s not a good look that I hide “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirts from my loved ones. I also wear them when I’m by myself. But that’s not a sign that I’m addicted to the stereotyping of Irish culture.

I’m more than willing to just be a social celebrator. But sometimes after a long day of work, you want to kick back and enjoy a “Leprechaun” movie marathon while eating Lucky Charms straight from the box with a keg’s worth of Guinness by your side. You know, something low key.

And just because I have decorative shamrock decals on my windows all year round doesn’t mean I have a problem. It’s just that they go nice with the 10-foot-tall pot of gold and accompanying rainbow I display in my front yard at all times. Blame Home Depot for that impulse buy.

Sure, it looks pretty bad that my wife left me and took the kids because, according to her, I’m a “celebraholic.” I assure you though that’s not me. I mean, I like Irish bars exclusively as much as the next guy, but I only go four to five times a week tops, and it’s only for the ambiance. You get it, right?

It’s not like I celebrate in the morning or anything. That would definitely be a red flag. I hear some people even need to drink beer containing green food coloring just to function. Not me though. But it would be nice if bars did that green ink booze thing during the summer months too, now that I think about it.

Long story short, I don’t need to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day to have a good time. It’s just a harmless vice.

Opinion: I Choose To Celebrate My Irish Heritage on St. Patrick’s Day by Being Incredibly Depressed

Posted on March 17, 2023 by Chris Bowen

St. Patrick’s day is the day “everyone is Irish,” and that means it’s just an excuse to get shit-house wasted or maybe see a Pogues cover band or something. But me being sober, and knowing those cover bands won’t play any Spider Stacy vocals-era Pogues songs, I choose to celebrate my ancestry by doing the second-best thing the Irish are good at: being deressed! And so can you!

You can sulk about how life has been so unfair since your cat died 8 years ago while everyone’s out doing car bombs. Or you could sit and think about how much of a disappointment to yourself you’ve become while watching Father Ted reruns. The choices are endless!

Maybe St. Paddy’s day is a family affair for you? Maybe you enjoy gathering at the table with your loved ones to eat the most visually depressing meal ever, corn beef and cabbage? Perfect! That just gives you and your Irish family the opportunity to out-depress one another! It can be a fun family bonding experience, and you get to learn a bit about each other.

Careful though, don’t open up too much or mom might start to worry.

And much like boozing it up, celebrating holidays by being depressed doesn’t have to end on St. Patrick’s day! Invited to a big Halloween shindig? Stay at home and watch a Vincent Price marathon while devouring candy in complete solitude, ignoring all attempts to get ahold of you!
Fourth of July too “fun” for your Irish tastes? Sign up for overtime and work that day! Holiday pay at your soul-crushing cesspool of anguish and depression day job instead of partying and “enjoying” things? Sign me up!

If you think about it, embracing the melancholic nature of my Irish DNA without the pain-numbing effects of alcohol might be more Irish than all the green beer on the planet! I believe that without alcohol, the stereotypical jolly ol’ leprechaun wouldn’t be singing and dancing around foolishly. He’d be laying in his little bed until 2 PM, too sad and hurt inside to give a shit about gold or much of anything at all. The true “luck of the Irish” is actually perpetual crippling bleakness!

Out of Shape Punk Switches to Weighted Cigarettes

Posted on March 16, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

PROVIDENCE— 38-year-old punk Richard Locke is trying to improve his physical fitness by switching to a brand of cigarettes heavy enough to double as a form of resistance training, skeptical sources report.

“I just feel like garbage, man,” said Locke, standing outside a bar while demonstrating his new workout routine. “I know I’m getting older, but I’m really falling apart. My skin looks terrible; my teeth and gums are going to shit. I can’t walk up a flight of stairs without hacking up a lung. I figured the only free time I have is my smoke breaks, so I’ve decided to make a change and use that time to get healthier. I’ve definitely added a little muscle, but my cardio still sucks for some reason.”

Certified personal trainer Al Joseph says that he has worked with dozens of punks, including Locke, to design fitness routines that fit their lifestyles.

“People in this scene, they don’t always thrive in a typical gym environment,” said Joseph, who says he bases his methods on evolutionary psychology. “But once you get to know them, it’s just a matter of having a conversation and figuring out what’ll work. The trickiest part is the details. For Rich, the cigs were an obvious choice for building upper body strength, but we had to get creative for leg day. Eventually, we realized that he could put the pack in his cargoes instead of his jacket pocket to make sure he was targeting all muscle groups evenly.”

Tobacco industry representatives reported that business has increased substantially thanks to poster boys like Michaels.

“The new branding has been very successful for us,” said Guy Meldrum, CEO of Reynolds American, Inc., who launched their Natural American Spi-Ripped weighted line last spring. “The ‘active lifestyle’ trend has traditionally hurt us, so it’s a relief to see that people are finally following the science and turning to cigarettes to improve their health. Plus, I don’t mind targeting anti-corporate punks as a broad demographic. By a complete coincidence, their mortality rates have skyrocketed since we introduced this product. I’m not saying that I want them dead, but, well–let’s just say our political and economic interests do not align.”

At press time, Locke confirmed that he had expanded his training regimen by switching from tallboys to full forties.