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I Don’t Have a St. Patrick’s Day Problem, I Can Stop Celebrating Whenever I Want

It seems my friends and family have gathered here to take part in some sort of intervention due to my so-called “clover-loving” behavior. But like I’ve been saying, I don’t have a St. Patrick’s Day problem. I can stop celebrating whenever I want. Or whenever I pass out from celebrating too hard. Whichever comes first.

I know it’s not a good look that I hide “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirts from my loved ones. I also wear them when I’m by myself. But that’s not a sign that I’m addicted to the stereotyping of Irish culture.

I’m more than willing to just be a social celebrator. But sometimes after a long day of work, you want to kick back and enjoy a “Leprechaun” movie marathon while eating Lucky Charms straight from the box with a keg’s worth of Guinness by your side. You know, something low key.

And just because I have decorative shamrock decals on my windows all year round doesn’t mean I have a problem. It’s just that they go nice with the 10-foot-tall pot of gold and accompanying rainbow I display in my front yard at all times. Blame Home Depot for that impulse buy.

Sure, it looks pretty bad that my wife left me and took the kids because, according to her, I’m a “celebraholic.” I assure you though that’s not me. I mean, I like Irish bars exclusively as much as the next guy, but I only go four to five times a week tops, and it’s only for the ambiance. You get it, right?

It’s not like I celebrate in the morning or anything. That would definitely be a red flag. I hear some people even need to drink beer containing green food coloring just to function. Not me though. But it would be nice if bars did that green ink booze thing during the summer months too, now that I think about it.

Long story short, I don’t need to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day to have a good time. It’s just a harmless vice.