NEWTON, Mass. — Local man Jim Conelly announced today that due to aging out of the St. Patrick’s Day bar scene, he would be spending a quiet evening getting utterly shitfaced in his home, confirmed multiple half-in-the-bag sources.
“I’m 38, I’m single, and I have a bad back so the last thing I want to do is stand shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of screaming 23-year-olds well past my bedtime. This year I figured it was time to accept the fact that I’m at a point in my life where there is a quiet dignity in facing an entire bottle of Jameson in the comfort of my apartment while I watch a Dropkick Murphys DVD at a reasonable volume, “said Conelly. “Not only am I saving money by dying beer green myself, but I can pass out face first in a toilet I’m familiar with and not pay for anything I break. I feel like I’ve turned a corner.”
Conelly’s roommate and longtime friend Declan Moore was uneasy about the decision to spend the holiday at home, as their relationship was already strained.
“His benders have been bad since the divorce, so I was relieved when Jim said he wasn’t going out tonight. I thought we’d have a nice corn beef and cabbage dinner, then knock back a Guinness or two while watching ‘Boondock Saints.’ But the second he burst out of his room in the ‘Fuck Me I’m Irish’ shirt I kissed our security deposit goodbye,“ said Moore. “He’s spent the last two hours ripping car bombs on the kitchen counter and screaming at Alexa to play bagpipe music. Twenty years ago this would be epic, but now I’m just hoping he crashes by 8 p.m. before he rips the pantry door off its hinges.”
Millennial engagement of St. Patrick’s Day festivities has declined rapidly, which bar owners say will have a significant impact on the industry.
“Gen Z doesn’t seem to have much of an interest in bar crawling, and millennials either have no tolerance left, are too tired, or haven’t budgeted for $3 rail whiskey shots. It used to be that the revenue we made from St. Patty’s would last us through the year, and now we’re lucky to make it to Cinco de Mayo,” said bar manager Syd Wallace. “The thirty-somethings that do come through only make it three beers in before they cash out and have to take their kids to karate in the morning. At this rate, it would be more viable to strap a keg to a bike and sell beer door to door if they won’t come to us.”
As of press time, neighbors witnessed Collins being thrown out of his apartment after instinctively trying to start a fight with his roommate over the validity of his 1/8th Irish heritage.