PROVIDENCE— 38-year-old punk Richard Locke is trying to improve his physical fitness by switching to a brand of cigarettes heavy enough to double as a form of resistance training, skeptical sources report.
“I just feel like garbage, man,” said Locke, standing outside a bar while demonstrating his new workout routine. “I know I’m getting older, but I’m really falling apart. My skin looks terrible; my teeth and gums are going to shit. I can’t walk up a flight of stairs without hacking up a lung. I figured the only free time I have is my smoke breaks, so I’ve decided to make a change and use that time to get healthier. I’ve definitely added a little muscle, but my cardio still sucks for some reason.”
Certified personal trainer Al Joseph says that he has worked with dozens of punks, including Locke, to design fitness routines that fit their lifestyles.
“People in this scene, they don’t always thrive in a typical gym environment,” said Joseph, who says he bases his methods on evolutionary psychology. “But once you get to know them, it’s just a matter of having a conversation and figuring out what’ll work. The trickiest part is the details. For Rich, the cigs were an obvious choice for building upper body strength, but we had to get creative for leg day. Eventually, we realized that he could put the pack in his cargoes instead of his jacket pocket to make sure he was targeting all muscle groups evenly.”
Tobacco industry representatives reported that business has increased substantially thanks to poster boys like Michaels.
“The new branding has been very successful for us,” said Guy Meldrum, CEO of Reynolds American, Inc., who launched their Natural American Spi-Ripped weighted line last spring. “The ‘active lifestyle’ trend has traditionally hurt us, so it’s a relief to see that people are finally following the science and turning to cigarettes to improve their health. Plus, I don’t mind targeting anti-corporate punks as a broad demographic. By a complete coincidence, their mortality rates have skyrocketed since we introduced this product. I’m not saying that I want them dead, but, well–let’s just say our political and economic interests do not align.”
At press time, Locke confirmed that he had expanded his training regimen by switching from tallboys to full forties.