Neoliberal Punks Suggest Meeting Nazi Punks Half Way

Posted on by Ben Friedman

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — The music scene was left reeling yesterday after a contingency of neoliberal punks suggested meeting Nazi punks halfway on a multitude of issues, reported concerned locals.

“With partisanship at an all-time high in this country, we believe that the only way this scene can be unified is by reaching out across the pit and allowing everyone to speak their mind, even if some people believe in the eradication of minorities and Jews through violence,” said scene leader Vince McCarthy. “We’ve always by default assumed Nazi punks should fuck off, but I say why not keep a few Skewdriver songs in our town’s jukeboxes and let the people decide if they should be played?”

Venue owners were unsure if appeasing what many believe are borderline terrorists would benefit the city.

“I’m not going to pretend we have a burgeoning scene here, but watching punks in Green Day shifts and skinheads at each other’s throats has been entertaining. Though more and more I’ve seen the former kowtowing to actual fucking fascists in the name of ‘openness of ideas,’” said club owner Julie Brader. “I used to think there was a huge difference between the two, but apparently neolibs are fine with swastikas being painted in the bathrooms so long as it’s gender neutral.”

The Southern Poverty Law Center, who has been monitoring the situation, noted situations like this are usually an endgame scenario.

“It’s almost laughable how many times reaching across the aisle morphs into giving oppressors exactly what they want. It starts out as something innocuous like a bake sale for the police or becoming a Twitch streamer. Next thing you know, you’re selling cookies for body armor and calling women gamers whores,” said SPLC rep Shelby Morganfeld. “In the case of what’s happening in Bakersfield these left-center punks, an oxymoron if there ever was one, compromised with the wrong hardcore bands and are now seeing a concerning rise of punks in green jackets doing the wall of death.”

As of press time, the town’s neoliberal punks were in full damage control after Nazi punks have not only dominated the scene, but were attempting to ban any queercore bands from playing in town.

How I Ditched Everyone I’ve Ever Known and Loved To Make Over 9K in My Band Last Year!

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

I finally did it! I am now in the top one percent of financially successful musicians! So now I get to do what everyone does the instant they find success and prove my expertise with a “How To” blog! So if you too wish to earn at least nine thousand dollars in a single year as a musician, just follow my keys to success. I’ll give you step one for free: Ditch everyone you’ve ever known and loved!

It’s easy! Every time they invite you to some dinner or nephew’s baptism, you say, “Aw, I wish I could but I’m working on my music.” This not only allows you the time to work on your music but it subtly reminds them that your musical endeavors are the most important thing on planet Earth. And don’t worry. Over time, they’ll get the hint and stop calling.

They’re all just in your way! To make it in this industry you’ll have to give every waking moment to writing, rehearsing, playing a ton of shows, and documenting every second of it. I could understand them being mad at me for being completely consumed by some bullshit “civilian” job, but this is music! It’s not workaholism if it’s creative. On that note, it’s also not alcoholism if most of your yearly income comes in the form of drink tickets.

If they really want me in their lives, they can just follow me on Tik Tok like every other fan.

The only relationships I need are women who are willing to listen to me talk about my creative process and other musicians who I’ve never met in real life but we comment a string of fire emojis on each other’s posts. That’s real friendship.

If I would’ve known that cutting out every friend and family member was the key to success, I would’ve done it years ago! Nine thousand dollars a year! That’s almost five digits! Sure that salary broken down into an hourly wage is about $1.25 an hour, but it’s rounded out nicely with the spiritual fulfillment that comes from making dope tunes with my band. Well, until I ditch them to go solo.

Wellness Influencer Responds to Tragedy with “Thoughts and Manifestations”

Posted on by Lauren Sewell

LOS ANGELES – Local wellness influence Juniper “Uni” Ferdinand offered her sincerest thoughts and manifestations to the victims of another senseless mass shooting, her followers confirmed.

“The people of this miraculous world are hurting, bleeding, begging for help. It is precisely times like these when we need to look into ourselves, feel the grass blades between our toes, listen to our own chi and be grateful for life,” said Ferdinand. “And as we offer gratitudes for our own precious breath, we send thoughts and manifestations for the spiritual healing—and to a lesser extent, the physical healing—of the nineteen victims. If we want to defeat this evil plaguing the nation, we all must join together to manifest a world with fewer guns, fewer bullets, more bulletproof vests and more bulletproof glass.”

Ferdinand’s message resonated with her 1.2 millions followers, including amateur mud therapist Barrett French.

“I was taking a sound bath when my roommate knocked on the door and asked me if I had heard the news. I’ll admit, I thought it was pretty fucking rude for that inconsiderate asshole to interrupt my ritual,” French said. “I was ready to light up the sage again for a cleansing. But once I checked my phone and read Uni’s poetic words, my crystals started vibrating with love. I knew what I had to do: I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and visualized thousands of people relinquishing their guns into the sea; it was remarkable.”

Gun violence activist and University of California Berkeley professor Martina Collins harshly disagrees with this new age response to tragedies.

“Not only is the ‘thoughts and manifestations’ message thoroughly empty and meaningless, but it is actively harmful. Violence isn’t happening because Mercury is in retrograde, and hoping and wishing for a better society while you get blessed by your green juice and kneel before your tarot deck isn’t going to bring these victims back,” Collins said while digitally signing a change.org petition. “People need to take direct action that is proven to work, like instantly sending a $8 donation to your state representative.”

Ferdinand continued to help heal society by aligning her crystals in a way to bring down inflation.

Review: Counterparts “A Eulogy for Those Still Here”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Canadian hardcore band Counterparts are back with a new studio album titled “A Eulogy for Those Still Here” which will be released through Pure Noise Records.

Counterparts absolutely rips, so by osmosis, this new album rips too. This record also covers every genre you could possibly want, including melodic hardcore, metalcore, and punkcore. Literally, you name it and this album has it. But does it sync up perfectly with an iconic film from the past? Let’s find out.

As you may have heard, there’s a certain Pink Floyd album that supposedly synchronizes flawlessly with “The Wizard of Oz.” Classic, right? Now, I’ve never tried this out myself to confirm because I’m not a loser.

However, I thought it’d be a good use of my time to see if this Counterparts album syncs up with anything cinematically. You never know until you try.

For my first attempt, I went with, you guessed it, “The Wizard of Oz.” After all, there are no rules against more than one album aligning with the same film. But I don’t think it worked because the classic “If I Only Had Brain” tune clearly clashed with Counterparts’ more modern “Skin Beneath a Scar” song.

Next, I tried something more recent and a little more well-known, so I gave “Transporter 2” a shot. Nothing says hardcore more than Jason Statham’s physique and highly accomplished five o’clock shadow. But I’ll be damned if this album didn’t sync up exactly with the 2005 film that The New York Times called “purely shallow but never dull.” I was really rooting for it though.

Since that didn’t work, I figured I’d give a comedy a go. Naturally, my first choice was “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” because I just happened to have the DVD. Surprisingly, if you start the album the moment you first see Kevin James riding a segway, you’ll notice that the album kind of syncs up perfectly until you get to the first song’s second chorus when it all falls apart. Bummer. Almost had it.

Long story short, I’m about 78 test movies into my experiment and still haven’t found a match for this Counterparts record. Good thing this album rips or else this research would be painful.

SCORE: 5 out of 5 copies of “The Dark Side of the Moon.”

/**/

Band’s Walkout Music Better Than Anything on Setlist

Posted on by John Danek

MESA, Ariz. — Local punk band Forkscrew set expectations high and did not meet them when they walked out to Saves the Day’s classic thrasher “You Vandal” then entered their own forgettable catalog of uninspired mid-tempo tunes, bored fans reported.

“I got so hyped when I heard those first power chord chugs of ‘You Vandal’ that I actually loudly cheered for Forkscrew. I want my cheer back,” stated local showgoer Hannah Keane, who has reevaluated her willingness to see bands she doesn’t know. “Once they turned off Saves the Day, there was 45 seconds of awkward silence until they went into their first song which sounded more like midtempo buttrock than the ‘punk’ they bill themselves as. It somehow got worse deeper into the setlist. Truly a false flag operation.”

The members of Forkscrew are aware of their inability to sustain crowd enthusiasm throughout a full set but are oblivious as to its cause.

“I don’t understand! We get the loudest, most excited response when we walk out at the beginning of our set, but by the end you can hear crickets,” admitted singer Josh Reince, who had to convince his bandmates to walk out to Saves the Day instead of Seether. “Maybe the crowd is so into our songs that they keep ordering beer after beer, and they’re shithoused by the end of our set. Or they’re getting older and are very sleepy by 10 p.m.? We should try playing louder.”

Seasoned veterans of the live music scene caution bands on choosing walk-out music that they can’t live up to.

“Playing a live show isn’t like wrestling, you don’t walk out with the most hype music you can possibly find. Simply put; your band can’t match that promise,” observed Tabitha Potts, former manager of Jimmy Eat World. “The best bet is to walk out with music very different from your band’s style. If you have a sense of humor, walk out to something funny like the ‘Full House’ theme. If not, maybe try rap or classical just to throw people off. Don’t walk out to a beloved Saves the Day song. They fucking ripped on ‘Through Being Cool’ you didn’t.”

In a twist of irony, Saves the Day recently played one of the best shows of their career after walking out to Forkscrew’s sloppy, repetitive song “A Spam Call to Arms” which generated a fair bit of audience laughter.

Woman With Passion for Letting Things Rot Inside of Fridge Purchases Artichoke

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

BANGOR, Maine. – Local woman, and proponent of turning fresh produce into reservoirs for mold due to apathy, Danielle Wilder recently bought an artichoke which will sit untouched in her vegetable crisper for weeks, reported sources not coming over for dinner anytime soon.

“I resolved to start cooking at home more, which meant buying more fresh ingredients,” said Wilder while she chose the perfect artichoke to let decay in her home. “It was going okay at first, but I got bored of potatoes and broccoli after a while. That’s when I decided to shake things up with some new veggies. There’s so much I could do with this artichoke. Tonight, I could roast it and make soup. Or even better, I could put it in the fridge and ignore it until I have no choice but to dispose of it after the leaves have browned and it sort of melts into goo and I’m forced to order UberEats for the third time this week.”

Wilder’s loved ones have voiced concern over her tendency to let her culinary ambitions outpace her discipline levels.

“Danielle is constantly posting pictures of butternut squash or whatever captioned ‘Got big plans for this!’ to her Instagram story,” said friend Alex Sandison. “But I’ve never seen any plans, big or otherwise, come to fruition. Most of the produce she buys usually just becomes a nesting ground for flies. It’s like how she’ll post about a potted plant she just bought and by the time I come over, it’s pretty much completely wilted. Is ‘agricultural sadist’ a thing? If so, I think Danielle might be one.”

Dr. Moriah Rose, Professor of Sociology at Wright State University, says that Wilder’s experiences echo that of many home cooks seeking novelty only to be thwarted by lack of motivation.

“Just about all of these ingredients can be prepared as easily as any of the more common vegetables,” said Rose. “But who wants to go to the trouble of learning how to slice jicama when you could just make a box of penne and toss one of those jarred Prego sauces on it? And while there are things you can do to prolong freshness, like Tupperware and plastic wrap, you’re just going to end up with the same shriveled mush in your trash no matter what.”

At press time, Wilder was also on the verge of reigniting her passion for purchasing $100 worth of art supplies before giving up after two failed sketch attempts.

If This Applebee’s Staff Sings Me “Happy Birthday,” None of Us Are Walking Out of Here Alive

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

You guys are my best friends. We’ve been through a lot together, and nothing is ever going to change that. But if you told the Applebee’s staff that it’s my birthday I’ll lose it on everyone here, including myself and each and every one of you. I’ve done it before, and you know I’ll do it again.

I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but have you ever been sung to when it’s just you and them? What are you supposed to do? Watch them? Don’t watch them? Make eye contact? It’s stressful and it’s embarrassing, and if you put me through that on my special day I swear to god you’ll be wearing that Bahama Mama all over your dumb face. Capiche?

Don’t try to reason with me either, because it’s not happening. Remember when I accidentally tipped that Cold Stone employee and then he sang to me? And remember how I took my tip back and gave that pipsqueak an uppercut to the windpipe before smashing his head into every freezer door in the place? You’re damn right you do.

I’d rather give a naked speech in front of my parents than have some servers sing me “Happy Birthday.” I don’t care how much triple chocolate meltdown cake you offer me, I’m not budging. I’ll triple chocolate meltdown my ass all over this Applebee’s.

Hey, what’s that sound? Is that clapping? And that melody, it’s…no. It can’t be. It’s “happy birthday.” And those servers are making their way towards us.

All of you listen and listen well. I’ll fuck each and every one of you up. I swear to God. I’ve taken on a whole buffet by myself and won. You were there.

I’m ready to go apeshit right here, right now. Don’t think I’m serious? I’m gripping the edge of the table and I just ripped the bolts out from the floor so I can fling it across the room in about thirty seconds.

The servers are coming closer and looking this way. Do you think this is funny? Do you like it when I lose my shit? Well, you’re gonna love it when I carve out your eye with this dull butter knife and dip my mozzarella sticks in the cavity.

Oh, you want some too, guy at the next table? What are you looking at? Ever gone through a plate glass window? Wanna find out? Hopefully, it breaks when you go through it because it really hurts if it doesn’t.

Do not underestimate me. None of you know this, but I used to have a group of friends who took me to Bennigan’s on my birthday. Used to.

Cooking for a Vegan Friend? Here’s 5 Insultingly Easy Recipes That Say “I Did the Bare Minimum”

Posted on by Sam Eardley

As plant-based diets become more and more mainstream, it’s never been easier for carnivores to cater to the vegans in their life. But what if you’re a bad friend and a worse cook? Here’s our guide to really half-assing it.

1. A Pale, Wet Mushroom in a Bun
A timeless classic. Don’t be tempted to slice it up and fry some color and flavor into your mushroom. No – cook it whole, but keep it real pale and damp. Fried onions and grain mustard could go some way to salvaging it, but unfortunately, you won’t think of those until afterward.

2. A Big Meaty, Cheesy Lasagna, But Keep a Corner of it Vegan
Like a landlocked nation being starved of resources, the vegan corner of your otherwise animal-rich lasagna should be oddly raw despite spending the same amount of time in the oven. Containing only canned tomatoes and pasta, it will be a little light on protein, but don’t worry – you’ll cut it so carelessly that bits of meat and cheese will cling to the edge, making it extra-hearty!

3. A Weird Recipe From That Completely Batshit 1970’s Cookbook You Have For Some Reason
In 2022 there are a million exciting vegan recipes just a click away, using fresh, vibrant ingredients available in your local store. But instead, why not crack open that 70’s cookbook you acquired somehow, and pick something weird and beige? Who could say no to a quivering slice of banana and onion terrine drizzled with a buckwheat sauce? Or a bunch of vegetables suspended in jello for some reason? Not your friend, unless they want to go hungry!

4. The Worst Cheeseburger of All Time
Vegan meat and dairy substitutes have improved greatly in recent years, but you’ll be damned if you’re going to pay for the good ones. Buy the cheapest, most highly processed faux-cheese slices and the densest, unholiest proxy meat and really play with the boundaries of what is and isn’t food. Needlessly substitute the bun with something utterly baffling, and there you have it — a heinous, foul-tasting affront to God.

5. A Pile of Fish
You’re pretty sure you read a scientific journal that said it’s okay to eat fish because they don’t have any feelings. Or was it a Nirvana song? Anyway, if challenged double down and passive-aggressively insinuate that your guest’s moral stance has been a real imposition for you.

Voilà! Any of these recipes will pair nicely with warm tap water and some uncomfortably probing questions about whether your guest would eat venison if it was roadkill and kind of a dick. Bon appétit!

Primus Fan Has More Pictures of Basses in Wallet Than of Own Children

Posted on by Bobby Korec

WOONSOCKET, R.I. — Local dad and moderator of the “Rhode Island Primus Alliance” Facebook group Chester Bakersfield admitted to keeping more photos of basses in his wallet than of his own children, confirmed sources who weren’t surprised after remembering the number of times he’s brought up Les Claypool in unrelated conversations.

“Your wallet is like a pocket photo album for what’s most important in life,” said Bakersfield while adding a printed-out screenshot of the standup bass used in the ‘Mr. Krinkle’ music video to one of the credit card slots. “That’s why my wallet contains laminated photographs of each of my basses, a couple pics of basses that are on my wishlist in case anyone asks, and exactly one school photo of my first of four born children because there’s simply not enough room for all of them.”

“Sure, there’s hardly any space for cash either, so it’s a good thing I never have any money or else I’d have to shift some things around. But if push came to shove I could probably remove that photo of Chester Junior. I know what he looks like,” he added.

Those close to Bakersfield wished he would cool it with the bass fanboyism.

“I once overheard him refer to his recently purchased Fender Precision Bass as ‘the new Harrison’ which is the name of our second born,” said his wife Amanda Bakersfield. “It’s bad enough he dipped into their college savings to buy a $5,000 rare copy of ‘Sailing The Seas Of Cheese’ on vinyl. And I’m still mad at myself for letting him convince me to name our youngest daughter Mud. Really should’ve gone with Wynona after that beaver song now that I think about it.”

Experts were well-aware of this sort of parenting behavior amongst die-hard fans.

“Being a dad is hard, but being a dad who loves music is even harder,” said family counselor Gabriella Vianca. “Think about it. You have to balance something you love more than anything in the entire world versus your children. It’s like when that die-hard Rush fan famously skipped his daughter’s recital to wait in line for an autographed copy of ‘Geddy Lee’s Big Beautiful Book of Bass.’ Priorities, man.”

At press time, Bakersfield had no choice but to delete several photos from his iPhone of his son’s tee ball game where he hit three home runs in order to make room for a handful of videos of Victor Wooten live performances.

Conservative Boycotting Disney Now Will Only Visit Park 14 Times a Year

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

BEATRICE, Neb. — Staunch conservative Todd Anderson vowed to limit his annual Disney World trips to slightly more than a baker’s dozen because he is tired of supporting the major corporations’ “woke politics,” confirmed disappointed sources.

“Now that Disney has gone woke, me and my family will personally see to it that they go broke. That’s why we will now only visit Disney World once a month and just twice a month in December. And we’ve set a strict merchandise budget of just $1,200 a trip. We’re gonna send that gay lovin’ mouse to the poor house,” said Anderson. “And we’re not stopping there. I also canceled Disney+, at least until ‘The Mandalorian’ comes back. And we’re only getting the regular Blu-Rays of Marvel movies, not even the collector’s edition. It’s a huge sacrifice, but it’ll be worth it to ensure my kids aren’t indoctrinated.”

Disney World funployee Emre Cantrell noticed an “odd” change in behavior among certain park guests as a result of the spreading boycott.

“I’ve heard a lot of talk about conservatives claiming they will never come back, but this place is packed with people wearing InfoWars merchandise. Not sure why. Maybe it’s the nostalgia, or Disney’s idealized version of the past, or Walt’s racism. Who are we kidding, it’s definitely that last one,” said Cantrell. “They still visit the park, but now they try to act like they’re completely miserable. It’s so bizarre seeing a sunburned guy in a MAGA hat angrily chomping on a $22 churro, or screaming ‘let’s go, Brandon’ while spending their children’s college fund on diamond encrusted light sabers.”

Florida Governor Ron Desantis is leading the fight against Disney after the company spoke out against his office’s highly controversial “Don’t Say Gay” bill.

“As a Republican governor, my mission is not to serve the people of Florida, but to stick it to the libs. See, I love freedom and capitalism so much that I’m willing to screw over any corporation that dares express an opinion that differs from mine,” said Desantis. “Sure, by stripping Disney of certain legal protections I am completely screwing over everyday Floridians who will need to contend with a billion dollar tax bill. But I bet Disney will think twice now next time they consider showing sympathy and human decency to a marginalized group of people.”

At press time, ongoing conservative boycotts have resulted in Disney’s projected quarterly profits to plummet from $22,000,000,000 to a measly $21,999,958,000.