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Metal Guitarist Warned He Will Go Blind Playing So Many Solos

SHREVEPORT, La. — Local metal band Sinister Dissonance warned their guitarist Henry Derrickson that he’ll go blind if he doesn’t stop playing so many solos, uncomfortable sources reported.

“That’s an old wives’ tale, like swimming after you eat or the KISS disco record,” said Derrickson. “It’s meant to scare you. I can solo as much as I want, it really isn’t a big deal. I spent the entire pandemic by myself watching YouTube videos and really getting to know myself, guitar-wise, and I’m just fine. Sure it takes me a little longer to get in the mindset than it did before, but I always get there in the end. I just have to squeeze the neck and concentrate as hard as I can to hit all my notes.”

The rest of the band was quick to point out that their warnings have fallen on deaf ears, as Derrickson continued to take his guitar into the bathroom during practice.

“It’s not that he’s shitting between songs, it’s that we can hear him noodling and finger tapping in there,” said the band’s drummer Sherry Beauregard. “This isn’t the first time it’s happened either. Our last guitar player played so many solos he went blind and lost his license. The woman before him was fired because her hairy palms kept getting caught in the strings. And our original lead guitarist was so into soloing that his wife left him, and honestly, I don’t blame her. Hopefully, it isn’t too late for Henry, but he’s already having a hard time connecting with us when we play. Sometimes he gets so into himself that it’s like we’re not even there.”

Experts say that over-soloing remains a hidden endemic.

“Transgressive attitudes towards playing solos run deep in this country,” said rock historian Ron LaFayette as he idly plucked a few strings. “Solo shaming is a very real problem, unfortunately. Guitarists are afraid to talk about soloing, and it’s hurting them. Just because a guitar player wants to play alone on occasion doesn’t mean that something is wrong. It’s perfectly natural, and some people even say that soloing from time to time makes it that much better when you finally play with the rest of the band.”

At press time Derrickson was seen entering his bedroom with a jar of Vaseline and this month’s Guitar World centerfold.