FORT MYERS, Fla. — Members of the ska group Ship Shank Shunk came to the startling realization that they were under no obligation to dress in the typical fashion as they have for decades, relieved loved ones reported.
“Last weekend, I reached into my closet and accidentally grabbed a plain, black t-shirt in my proper size of medium,” recalled trombonist Clark Thanovitch, whose baggy bowling shirt collection is reviled by many in the Fort Myers community. “I put it on and it looked good–like, real good. Why have I been wearing XXL striped work shirts? They made me look like a substitute teacher with a drinking problem. Then I realized I could dress in normal clothes that fit. My bandmates were stunned too. We have donated over 20 goofy hats and unnecessary suit vests to Goodwill.”
Fans of Ship Shank Shunk reacted with confusion and denial at the band’s change in image.
“Ska already gets a bad rap by the rest of the world, but it feels like Ship Shank Shunk is shitting all over it from within by rejecting the sacred tenets of ska, like wearing ill-fitting fedoras and sunglasses indoors,” said a distraught Kira Langen, prominent member of the Fort Myers ska scene. “And they’re still playing the same major key, upstroke-filled happy music. I’m pretty sure it’s cultural appropriation to do that if you’re not going to dress like a pro bowler.”
Local thrift store proprietors expressed some degree of worry with this newfound cultural shift.
“Goddamnit, I’m never going to sell all these unflattering plaid pants,” exclaimed Betsy Rance, owner of Second Run Thrift Shoppe. “Those musicians were the only ones to come in and pay a pretty penny for otherwise unsellable, hideous items. Pointy black-and-white dress shoes, giant belt buckles, platform shoes with flames on the side, and the worst bowties you can possibly imagine are about to start collecting major dust around here. Fuck me.”
The future of Ship Shank Shunk is in jeopardy after the core members also started to realize that no laws require they include horn parts in their songs.